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Yuki couldn’t bring himself to apologize. Not when Shuichi was so ready to forgive him.
~
“Ow! Yuki, stopstopstopstopstop!”
Yuki swiftly backed away until he was seated at the foot of the bed. Shuichi, wincing, put a hand to his lower back and laid on his side.
“I think you broke my spine,” Shuichi whined. “Or maybe it’s just a pinched nerve, I don’t know, but ow!”
Eiri Yuki said nothing. His partner’s cry of genuine pain had been a cold shock to his senses. The heat of passion had been a brief escape, but reality had settled its way back in. He was reminded of who he was. Of what he was. And as always, he masked the twisting, clawing guilt within behind an icy, empty expression.
He picked up his robe, which had been draped along the edge of the bed, put it on and stood up to leave.
“Yuki!”
With no hesitation, Shuichi sat up and grabbed Yuki’s wrist with both of his hands. So fast and forceful, there was an audible slap. He looked up at his partner, tears welling in his eyes. Yuki turned towards him but didn’t make eye contact.
“I assumed we were done for the night,” Yuki said in an even tone.
“You hurt me!”
“Yes,” Yuki said. “So get some rest. It’s a pulled muscle or something, you’ll be fine tomorrow morning.”
“Yuki, ‘you hurt me’ doesn’t mean ‘leave me!’” Shuichi said, frustrated by his lover’s apparent absence of emotional intelligence. He tugged on Yuki’s wrist. “It means give me a hug!”
Yuki was much stronger than his partner. It would be easy for him to break free from Shuichi’s grasp, no matter how much he pulled or dug his nails in. But instead, Yuki stayed frozen in place, afraid to hurt Shuichi any more than he already had. An apology would smooth things over, but the words were caught in his throat. Yuki couldn’t bring himself to apologize. Not when Shuichi was so ready to forgive him.
“Are you… mad at me?” Shuichi said softly, his voice shaky. “Is it because I told you to stop? Do you hate me?”
“No, of course not!” Yuki snapped. He mentally kicked himself for raising his voice. He wanted to be better. But fuck, this was frustrating. He took a moment to breath.
“You don’t?”
“Obviously. That would be a ridiculous reason to hate you,” Yuki said sardonically.
“Then… will you hug me?” Shuichi said, his tone laced with renewed hope and optimism.
Yuki forced himself to meet his partner’s gaze. Seated on the bed, legs pulled to his chest, Shuichi seemed so small as he looked up at him with big, loving eyes. He was small. He was small and adorable and his bright pink hair, slightly tousled from their earlier fooling around, only emphasized his youthfulness. He was almost… child-like.
A darkness, a feeling he still didn’t have a name for, clutched Yuki’s heart and twisted his stomach. He loved Shuichi. But his love was tainted. And he was reminded of that at times like this, when Shuichi was so vulnerable and pure. And it made him feel like a monster. At times like this, he felt he needed to run away. That it was best for Shuichi to stay away from him. Of course, Yuki was too selfish to ever fully let go.
“It doesn’t matter what I want,” Yuki said sternly. He turned his head down in shame. “I hurt you. I don’t… deserve to touch you.”
“I don’t care!” Shuichi said incredulously. “I’m the one that got hurt, why isn’t this about what I want?”
Yuki bristled at his lover’s retort. He was trying to be vulnerable here. He glared at Shuichi, who glared right back. There was a ferocity in Shuichi’s eyes, he wasn’t going to back down. And for a moment, Yuki was disarmed. He didn’t deserve the happiness that Shuichi brought him. It would be better for everyone if he alone, so he couldn’t hurt people more than he already had. But the look in Shuichi’s shining eyes revealed exactly what he was thinking.
I want you anyway.
“Fine.” Yuki wasn’t quite sure how he felt in that moment, so he defaulted to sounding displeased. “I suppose it’s difficult to argue with that logic, simple as it is.”
“Yuki!” Shuichi cheered. He sounded so gleeful, as though he was saying his favorite word. Which he was.
“Yes, yes,” griped the famed Yuki. He sat down on the edge of the bed.
Shuichi wasted no time getting close, nestling into the crook of Yuki’s arm as his lover wrapped it around his thin frame. Yuki’s other arm was still held captive by Shuichi’s firm grip.
“I can’t very well hug you if you don’t give me my arm back,” Yuki said dryly.
In response, Shuichi hugged Yuki’s arm tightly to his chest. “This is good.”
“Alright,” Yuki said, somewhat puzzled.
He had to admit, this felt nice. Yuki pulled back his robe with his free hand and partially draped it over Shuichi, then pulled him closer to feel more of his soft skin against his. Shuichi smiled blissfully, and for a moment Yuki could’ve sworn he heard his partner purring. Fuck, he was cute. The sight of his partner so damn happy caused something to stir within Yuki. Pure adoration bubbled and boiled over in his chest, and all he could do was take in the sight. His smile, the small hand that pressed his against Shuichi’s bare chest, the way Yuki’s hand fit perfectly to hold his hip…
“Didn’t you say your lower back was what hurt?” Yuki said. “Should you be sitting up like this?”
“It’s fine,” Shuichi said.
“Well, are you hurt or not?” Yuki said. “Lay down.”
Shuichi clutched his lover’s arm even tighter and pushed into his chest, pouting.
“I won’t leave,” Yuki said, softer this time.
“… You promise?”
“Yes,” Yuki said.
“Okay,” Shuichi said, and shuffled out from under Yuki’s arm to lay down. He rested his head on the pillow and straightened his body, taking the pressure off his back. “You’re right, this is better.”
“Again, let go of my arm,” Yuki said, awkwardly hunched over to accommodate his partner’s new position.
“No,” Shuichi said, tucking Yuki’s hand under his chin defensively. “I don’t trust you.”
That stung. “Let go so I can lay next to you, brat.”
“You don’t need two arms to lay down,” Shuichi argued.
“Tch, fine,” Yuki retorted. “But it’s not my fault if you get hurt again,”
“Okay,” Shuichi said, happily clutching his prize.