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Basking in the moonlight alongside Rei as the two of them got into a supposedly lighthearted argument is not how he envisioned this night to go.
The pair stood on school grounds, tree branches swaying in the crisp breeze as Shu finds himself plucking out blades of grass that lay beneath his destructive wake. Rei had found him idly sitting, staring out towards the sky as if the remedies to the inner workings of his mind would fall into his lap.
It is apparent to anyone that passes by with any knowledge of the recent events that occurred in Valkyrie that Shu is only avoiding returning to a home that has grown bleak. So he stays rooted to the ground he sits atop of, alone with his beloved Mademoiselle and the ghost of Mika dithering around his being, whispering sweet nothings to encourage him to go home.
“And if he stays?”
“I know the risk I’m taking, Rei, I don’t need you to tell me!” Shu hisses, eyes narrowed as he bats a hand at the man trying to comfort him, trying to get his disgusting hands as far as possible, “I could care less about what that fool does, I could care less where he stays, if he’s so dimwitted to return to that deplorable town for good, then what use is he to me? He wouldn’t deserve to inherit Valkyrie,”
“...What good will running do, Shu?” Rei poses the question, ignoring his response entirely as his arms fold over one another.
“I am not running from anything. You and my fallen angel Nito, you think you know it all? Yet, the two of you hadn’t gone through half of what we have! Nito who abandoned us in our time of need, and you who ran from all your problems and became… this,”
Rei doesn’t respond this time and Shu curses his temper for flaring, taking in a deep breath before murmuring, “I’m sorry, my friend, you have faced the same hardships as I, and maybe even suffered even greater,”
Rei says something in return but the words fall on deaf ears.
His thoughts are only spiraling further into the dark void. His mind had not left that boy since he had exited his life. He had changed the course of his fate with the simplest gestures of affection. Cleaning the threads at his feet, making him tea, reheating his croissants to ensure he would at least eat something during the day, working all the cursed jobs while proudly proclaiming he would make the funds for Shu’s dream stage… Mika had stayed by his side, even when Shu couldn’t muster enough energy to speak a single word, fiercely loyal to Valkyrie… to Shu.
This revelation is nothing new to Shu, of course. He’s been cursed with awareness that Mika is the reason he can stand on stage, the reason he can sing as it’s his heart's passion, the reason why his hands continue to sew for the past few months.
That whole time Mika pranced around, spinning upon the rails of stars, looking to Shu as though he were his savior; an ever forgiving deity and the stage be their shrine. So he danced, danced for the salvation that laid nestled in crooks and crevices of the holy vessel that is Shu, danced for the lilt of his tone, danced for the reverence of his words. Every minute spent within his company was another minute spent in the sanctified light of sun.
How had that boy never realized it was meant to be the other way around?
It was meant to be Shu savoring his essence, it was meant to be Shu worshiping Mika as though his body were a temple of praise. It was meant to be Shu singing to the divine choir the tale of the lonely crow. That boy had taken his hand and pulled him into the light of a world in which he never belonged, answered prayers hidden beneath the ruins of his soul, gave him meaning amidst the world that crumbled around them.
Shu hadn’t been the only one to lose the reputation of Valkyrie, he hadn’t been the only one to fall from the grace of heaven, he hadn’t been the only one to lose Nito, to be abandoned in the time of which they need each other most.
If anything, Mika had suffered the loss of two people, mourning for a soul that had been caught by the stray branches of the forest, never to return to its rightful body.
Shu closes his eyes, the scene that unfolded at the parlor flashes in his mind once more.
Those cursed words.
That pitiful look on his face.
“...Are ya throwin’ me away after all, Oshi-san?”
Shu puts a hand to his head, fingers curling in pink wisps, the feeling of a thread constricting his heart as he thinks about their last moment together. Why did it feel like he’s being haunted by memories? By how the light drained from his ever vibrant eyes, how his voice had been the quietest he had ever heard it. He hadn’t cried, nor did he fight for his place by Shu’s side.
He acted as a doll should, following the movements of Shu’s well woven strings. That was his curse, Shu had etched that into the wood of his body, never thinking Mika could become human.
Yet, he had been human this whole time, blossom stifled beneath Shu’s thumb.
“You had good intentions, Shu,” Rei chimes in.
Shu can’t bring himself to respond, he can’t stop replaying all of the words uttered in his head. Mika had stayed by his side this entire time, despite whatever harsh words were thrown his way but why did this time feel so different? His home has never felt emptier, there was nobody following behind his footsteps while talking to him about anything that would come into mind just so that the pair could keep each other company for as long as possible, nobody sneaking into his bed at night since they couldn’t bear the silence and stillness that came along with sleeping alone.
He found himself peeking into the boy’s room during the late hours, unable to find peace in his own room so slumber did not wish to bless him that night. Upon opening the door, he found it cleared, just as requested. That night, Shu did not return to his own room, favoring being wrapped in the scent that lingered on Mika’s sheets.
In his dreams, his body had been cocooned by the cold waters of regret. Roaring tides crashing against his ears, lungs inhaling the weeds that invaded the reservoir as he struggled to breath, rapidly raking his nails against the current in hopes he would surface but his need to fight dwindled, succumbing to the fate of being trapped in dark, murky waters.
In his dreams, he drowned, drowned with the sun looking down upon him, eyes wide with horror before he dived in after the lost soul to save him, loving hand outstretched to salvage him from such cruelty.
In his dreams, he smiles, smiles because Mika had clung to his piteous frame one last time with such impetuosity as they sunk into the unknown together.
That is the bond of Valkyrie, two souls clinging to one another as their life depended on it. If one falls, so does the other.
Shall Mika truly slip through his fingers like the grains of time?
The silence stretches onward. He doesn’t know how much time passes, but Rei stays with him.
All he thinks of is beckoning that frail boy in his arms and holding his delicate figure, holding him as though he is one of his precious marionettes, holding him as though he might break with even the slightest mistreatment. That’s all Mika had desired, to be treated like he were a doll worthy of Shu’s divine care.
“I loved him,” Shu finally says.
The movements next to him pause, Shu dares not to look in his direction, he wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye. Those all-knowing crimson moons would simply be too much for him to handle in this moment.
“Loved…?” Rei stresses the past tense, trying to heavily hint at something that Shu is well aware of.
Shu doesn’t know why but he says it again with a slight correction, “I love him,”
“Love…” Rei repeats, tone distant, “Such a miraculous thing to be blessed by. It was only due with time you realized what lies beneath the exterior of Valkyrie, what is at the heart of your unit,”
Rei seemed to be alluding to something greater than Shu, something that he can yet understand, not when he was only just now acknowledging his feelings. His thoughts were stuck on why had Mika offered him kindness? That stupid, toothy grin even though Shu had yelled nothing but venom at him? Always calling his title with the same chime in his voice, always clinging to his arm despite the plethora of times Shu had scolded him not to.
Shu had never met a person like Mika, someone who’s very soul emitted the same energy as the sun. Unknowingly, Shu had gone and become a person who drank in every ray the sun had to offer him, bathing in the warmth to the point those around feared he might drown.
He begged for his shine, even now when he had been left in the abysmal void, where all is frozen over and the sun’s rays could no longer save him.
His throat stiffens, woe encasing its dark, lithe fingers around tender skin and squeezing until Shu felt like he couldn’t breathe.
The first tear that falls goes unnoticed, merely writing it off as a drop of rain for the sky. Then follows another, then more cascade from his eyes, gliding down porcelain skin. His vision deconstructs itself into crystallized glass, Shu finds it harder to breathe as he struggles for air, trying to keep his sobs as subtle as possible.
“I love him…!” It is confessed as but another whisper for the night, voice meek but unadulterated desperation blankets the words. It’s a scarce sound to be easily swept away by the cool night’s breeze, to be flutter away and never return, lost amongst all other late night divulgence. He says it as if he’s scared, scared that if the words never make it past his lips, it will be buried beneath the trail of all the other mistakes he’s made. The repetition felt grossly dramatic but it’s all his mind can conjure in the moment, it’s all his heart wishes to croon after what felt like years of imprisonment. “I don’t wish for him to leave me, I don’t want to be alone… No, it’s not that I fear being alone as I used to, it’s that I do not want to be without him by my side, isn’t it..?”
Before he knows it, arms snake their way around his torso. Shu doesn’t have the energy to try and fight back against Rei’s embrace. He’s unsure if that’s what his body sought for, even if he could because soon, he finds himself melting into the demon king’s numbing caress, his hands weakly reaching to clutch fabric on the back of his academy coat, grip steadily tightening as though Rei might also elude him the more tears leave his eyes. The stream neverending, unable to see anything before him as he suppresses every hiccup and every noise that even tried to claw itself up his throat and be birthed into the world. He held Rei with an iron will, subconsciously pulling him closer so they may meld.
Rei’s body exudes nothing by piercing coldness, so it provides no warmth to him on this frigid night. That is not where the importance lies, however. Rei’s hold was gentle, holding his dear friend like it burned to be apart from one another, hands rubbing intricate designs into his back to soothe the instability of Shu’s wretched state. Through this embrace, Shu could feel the other’s pain, just how Rei could feel his. Swapping grievances underneath moonlight as if they were merely those feeble second years again.
Rei had been losing himself, bit by bit. Skin peeling away to reveal layers that had never meant to be exposed to this Earth. Shed away the exterior that protected him, grated diligently away until he fit the mold he wished to fit, and before Shu could tell, Rei had turned into a hollow shell of someone he once knew. At this moment, Shu found himself holding the Rei of the past. No, more like that Rei was holding him, anguished by the thought of being unable to help one of his dearest friends in their time of need.
He wouldn’t be surprised if Rei spoke and used the style of speech he had abandoned in the past.
Lavender hues glimmer gently, perhaps even mournfully as the moon’s shimmer captures itself in them. Shu’s eyelids only grow heavier, the aching his bones deepen as he stands ensnared in his dear friend’s arms, his vessel is ready to retire and dream of the light that once rained upon his skin. How foolish was he? Cajoled to the simplest sin of greed, and he fell for it as any other human did. Now he yearns. Yearns and wishes for something that had been just within his grasp, but his hunger for more led him astray.
“How did it take so long to notice? Had I really been so foolish this entire time…? Blinded by the light of the beautiful Nito, I let that boy rot.” he grows silent, sorrowful words teetering along the edge of his tongue and lips, “But no, he hadn’t died. Against all odds, he thrived somehow. Like an invasive species, he grew with no sun, spreading his roots everywhere, even into the veins of my heart. And I had never noticed,”
Shu swears Mika had packed the stars with his other belongings to take when he left, for this night seemed darker, drearier than any other. Yet, not a cloud hangs over their heads, how could a clear night lack the decoration that is the glittering stars?
“Kagehira…”
Please return to me. Let me be selfish one last time with this one wish. Please return to your true home.