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“What in the fuck fresh hell did I just walk into?”
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Detective Terrible Detective?”
“Cute. Get off my turf, Rhys. This scene’s mine.”
“Oh? I’m terribly sorry, but I don’t see your name written on it, heh heh- wait, what are you-”
“Like I said. Now, get out.”
“Did you just… use the victim’s blood to write your name?!”
“Who let you in here, anyway?”
“Ok, look, Fi- can I call you Fi?”
“No.”
“Fi, it’s like this. This is a pretty high profile murder. And only the best are sent in to investigate these kinda murders. So, actually, it should me me asking you what you’re doing here?”
“You’re standing on evidence.”
“I am not- I’m standing on evidence- wh- you’re the one who just contaminated the victim’s blood!”
“We took samples already. Because we actually got here in a timely manner. Now, move outta my way before I register your shoe print as evidence. Watch the cactus.”
“Fi-ona-, Fiona, Fiona, always such a prickly reception with you, huh?”
“Well, that’s what happens when you try to usurp my chance for promotion.”
“This again? Fiona, I didn’t try and usurp anything-”
“Yeah, yeah, cry your tears to your new boss-”
“I’ve not even been promoted-”
“Look, Rhys. We don’t have to be friends. But we have to be professional. And my team was the one assigned to this case. Not yours. So…”
“Alright, alright, I get it. Next one’s mine, though. You owe me a dead body, Fi.”
“Keep up with that ‘Fi’ shit and it’ll be someone else investigating yours.”
“Touche.”
“Oh, come on, really? Can’t a girl just enjoy her two-am cold burger by herself?”
“You’re gonna love this, Fi, trust me- god, this place is terrible, you sure they have a food license?”
“Only place open at this time. This is what happens when someone, who shall remain unnamed, waltzes into your crime scene and walks all over it.”
“Nothing bad happened- and anyway, I’m about to make up for it. You’re gonna want to hug me after this-”
“I highly doubt that.”
“Weeell, let’s just see how it goes. Anyway, y’know how we haven’t been able to figure out how the murderer actually got out of the place?”
“We? There is no we, Rhys.”
“Oh-my-god- just hear me out-”
“Alright, alright, hit me.”
“So, what if they didn’t actually get out?”
“The hell are you talking about? The place was empty except for our very dead CEO.”
“That’s what they want us to think!”
“Maybe lay off the crime shows a little, Rhys.”
“No-no, look, if they left immediately after the murder, it’s almost a guarantee they would have left evidence behind, or taken it somewhere else. So…”
“... So, you’re saying they’re still there? Like I said, place was empty.”
“That’s what they want us to think-”
“Ok, we’re stuck in a loop here. Rhys, what-”
“They’re hiding in there. Somewhere. We just need to figure out where.”
“We combed the place- are you saying we’re terrible at our jobs?”
“What? No-no, that’s not- look, didn’t Henderson make some offhand comment about food crumbs in the living room? A little weird, since the guy had cleaners come in twice a day, right?”
“... I guess?”
“Fiona, think outside the box a little-”
“I’ll be stuffing you into a box if you keep telling me how to do my job-”
“The murderer is hiding somewhere in there, and is feeding themselves with the food from the apartment!”
“... I have no idea how to respond to that. Wouldn’t that just leave more evidence behind? If they kept coming out to eat?”
“Hence the crumbs, I guess.”
“Seems a little sloppy for someone who wants to stay hidden.”
“Yeah. Unless… unless they did stay hidden and still managed to eat somehow?”
“Like… if they killed the guy then grabbed a load of food from the fridge and hid with it somewhere?”
“Exactly! Aah, Fi, we’re so in sync right now.”
“Ugh. What would be the point of staying there, though?”
“I guess… the evidence thing, like you said?”
“Yeah. Or- oh, shit-”
“What?”
“Shit, Rhys! We got all the evidence already, the clean-up crew were due to come in tonight-”
“Oh shit, we need to go- aaand, she’s gone- hey, Fi! You didn’t pay your- god dammit, now she owes me a dead body and ten bucks.”
“Aaand the murderer was waiting for the clean-up crew.”
“Yeah. Probably disguised themselves as one of the crew and left as soon as it was clean. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.”
“There are some crumbs in this air conditioning vent. They were probably hiding in here.”
“Fuck. Fuck.”
“We’ll get ‘em, Fi.”
“There’s no we, Rhys.”
“Would you stop, we’re both after the same thing, right?”
“... Ugh. Fine. Now what? We have no murderer and no lead.”
“I, uh, don’t know. Yet.”
“Fuck.”
“Alright. We got this. But, we need a change of scenery. Could, uh, grab some dinner and think this over?”
“It’s four-am, Rhys.”
“It is- wow, uh alright. Breakfast, then.”
“We’re not getting breakfast together.”
“It’s breakfast, or the hug.”
“... Bernie’s at nine. You’re paying.”
“We gotta work on your food eatery choices, Fi.”
“Nothing wrong with this place.”
“Sure, if you don’t mind a little salmonella to spice up your day.”
“Your delicate public school stomach can’t handle food here, huh?”
“Wait, how’d you know…?”
“... Call it instinct. Or, me judging you based on your fashion choices.”
“Yeeah, I’m not gonna take insults to heart from a woman who never heard of colour co-ordination.”
“Why’d you join, anyway?”
“... Huh?”
“The force. You seem a little more suited to the… infuriating, arrogant businessman type of role.”
“You really have a way with words, Fiona.”
“Don’t tell me. Your grandfather’s best friend’s great uncle was a detective and he rescued you from a terrifying group of squirrels when you were a public school kid, and inspired you to be the hero that other public school kids need?”
“... I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”
“So I’m right, then.”
“Are you always this abrasive? You’re incredibly difficult to get along with, you know that?”
“And yet, here you are.”
“Alright, lemme guess. You joined up ‘cause you have some long-winded score to settle, and that’s why you’re so… so-”
“Spit it out, Rhys, I’m trying to solve a crime, here.”
“-Mean.”
“If I’m so mean, and nice choice of word there, high-schooler, then why bother trying to work with me?”
“Well, maybe I, uh, saw something.”
“... The fuck are you on about now?”
“Look, maybe you’re a little…”
“Careful, now.”
“Uh, of an… assertive nature-”
“Nice.”
“But, I’ve seen the results of your work. And-and, you’re good at this shit.”
“... Alright. But why this case?”
“Ok. I, uh, used to look up to this guy. Maybe that’s why you got a business vibe from me. Way back when, he inspired me to take that route. But then-”
“He turned out to be a mass-murdering megalomaniac.”
“Heh. Well, yeah. Anyway, high profile case about the murder of my former idol, and getting to work with you on it? It’s like all my skags lined up in a row at once.”
“Jeez, Rhys. Want some wine with that cheese? And stop flattering me, please. That shit doesn’t work on me.”
“I’m not- ugh, look, I just think you do some good stuff, alright? And I’m also good at this stuff. So, together-”
“Alright, alright, you can stop with the inspirational speech. I guess it’s good to have someone along who gives a shit about this case as much as I do. Most people I’ve talked to are happy the guy’s dead and are hesitant to catch the person responsible.”
“Well, with as many enemies as he had, I guess… Why are you so invested in this, anyway?”
“’Cause my sister might have been the one to kill him.”
“Makes sense. I- wait, what?!”
“It’s a long story.”
“... I’ll get more coffee.”
“It’s been three weeks, Rhys. Face it. This one’s done.”
“The Fiona I know and… fear, wouldn’t give up so easily!”
“That Fiona knows that having absolutely no shred of new evidence, leads or anything in that time usually mean’s it’s done. At least we can rule Sasha out.”
“... Yeah. Nine weeks on a ship to Athenas kinda makes it tricky to have murdered someone three weeks ago.”
“I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed.”
“We’ll get them, Fi. Anyway, given how much the guy terrorised your home planet, kinda surprised you’re investing so much into finding who killed him.”
“Only ‘cause I want to shake their hand.”
“Heh-heh. … Right? I should be laughing, ‘cause you’re kidding, right?”
“That’s… that’s just the job, Rhys. I hated the guy. But, I got a job to do. As much as I hate it sometimes. Guy deserved to die.”
“... Yeah.”
“I’m still gonna buy the person a drink, though. Before I lock ‘em up for life.”
“Aww. You’re so sweet.”
“Fiona! Here. For you. A celebratory… plain bagel, ‘cause that’s all they had at the store.”
“Heh. Well, thanks?”
“We did it, Fi.”
“You’re literally vibrating with happiness. Ugh.”
“You aren’t happy?! Or… mildly in agreement with the fact we got the guy?”
“Of course I am. I just choose to remain professional about it.”
“I’m… professionally happy.”
“Right. Well, uh… well, thanks, Rhys.”
“Jeez, Fi. Lay off the sap for a second, would you?”
“Ugh. You did… good.”
“Of course I did. Obviously. I guess you… were also there?”
“Rhys-”
“Kidding, kidding. We make a good team, though, right?”
“Why are you pushing this ‘team’ thing so hard?”
“Y’know, Fiona, I used to be just like you.”
“A good detective, more witty and better looking?”
“Har har. What I mean is, I tried to go it alone for a while. And, yeah, alright, it probably meant I was more efficient ‘cause I was only relying on myself, but… it sucked.”
“I don’t need an assistant.”
“Ouch. What I MEAN is-”
“I know, Rhys. Someone to bounce ideas off. To spot things you might have missed.”
“To have your back.”
“Why do I feel like I’m at the end of a buddy-cop movie right now?”
“Fi-ona- look, we do well together. So, why not carry on doing it?”
“Like a partnership?”
“Uh-huh. We solve things and… get much better food along the way, ‘cause there’s no way I’m going back to that last place. I’m picking from now on.”
“... I don’t have much choice here, do I?”
“Nope. Alright, now that’s settled… bring it in.”
“I’m not hugging you. Here. It’s called a handshake.”
“Alright, fine. I’m gonna work on the hug thing, though.”
“You need to. I can already tell you’re terrible at it.”
“Weeell, maybe you could give me some pointers-”
“Alright. Here I am. Pointing to the ground. Where you’ll be buried if you carry on.”
“I’m so excited about our future together.”