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Chapter Text

Olivia jumped into the seat and started her car in a rush. She fastened her seatbelt as she pulled from her parking space at the station. She didn’t hesitate to start her sirens and lights as soon as she got onto the road. She just had to get on the scene, right now.

When she got the call that Amanda had been shot at the safe house, her breath caught in her throat. Benson wasn’t even sure she had started breathing again until she got in her car. How was it possible? Who shot at them? The house was supposed to be a safe place!

Olivia tried to concentrate on the road and tried to shove her emotions back. She felt her eyes sting with unshed tears as she let herself think about losing another detective under her watch. Another friend. Amanda couldn’t leave her, could she?

The ring of her phone resonated in the car and she shook her head to make the tears in her eyes go away. She pressed the answer button without looking at the screen. Whoever it was, maybe they had some new information about the shooting.

“Yeah?” she answered, her voice raw with emotion.

“Liv.” She heard Elliot’s voice. “What’s wrong?” he picked up on her state right away, of course.

Olivia tried to pick herself up.

“Elliot, I can’t talk right now-“

“What is it?” he sounded concerned, which shouldn’t surprise her giving how her voice was breaking.

She knew he wouldn't let it go. Knew he was hearing how serious the situation is. She gulped as she forced herself to give him more without actually falling apart.

“It’s Rollins. She got shot at Nicole’s safehouse. I….I don’t know much.”

His silence comforted her, somewhat. He didn't try to say anything comforting. And she was grateful for it.

“You driving?” he asked softly, concerned for her safety.

Olivia sniffled.

“I need to go to the scene right now. I’m almost there.” She added to reassure him.

She felt him wanting to be there for her and yet he was restraining himself not to be overbearing. She desperately wanted him by her side right now, but didn't verbalised it either. Their relationship was still a work in progress.

“She’ll be fine, Liv.” He finally said.

Olivia didn't answer him and took a shaky breath. She parked her car in between the ambulances.

“I’m here. I gotta go.”

“Liv.” He stopped her.

“Yeah?”

“Call me after. Please.”

And that’s when she realized he knew she wouldn't call unless he insisted on it. She wouldn't call because that’s not what they do anymore. And that it made him as sad as she felt about it.

“I’ll try.” And that’s the best she can offer right now.

She ended the call and braced herself to go to the scene.

Chapter Text

Olivia sat back in her car and sighed, her head falling to the headrest behind her. After talking to the cop who, from what she gathered, had saved Rollins’ life, then having to be strong in front of Sonny, and finally reassuring Nicole that all of this wasn’t her fault even though Olivia knew the snapchat was probably the reason her friend was between life and death, she was emotionally spent. She finally let the tears fall in the sanctity of her car.

She cried out of fear of losing Amanda, out of frustration at Nicole, out of powerlessness in the situation. Carisi had texted her that Amanda was in surgery, still fighting. Olivia sent a silent prayer for her dear friend, for her girls. A few minutes passed before Elliot’s plea for her to call came back to her mind.

She knew that she wanted to call him, but her mind still wasn’t accustomed to having him within reach. Opening her eyes, she reached for her phone and looked at the screen. Finding his contact, she thought about texting him, telling him she was fine, but quickly realized that that wouldn’t satisfy either of them right now.

Grabbing onto her need to hear his calming voice, she pressed the call button and rested her head once again on the seat waiting for him to pick up. Even though she was still parked, the Bluetooth picked up the call and Elliot’s voice enveloped her in a soothing manner she both craved and wasn’t fully expecting.

“Hey.”

She closed her eyes and leaned into the comfort of his tone.

“Hey.” Was all she could respond.

She heard him move from a crowded room to a quieter place and they both relished their silent connexion. She heard him close a door to give them some intimacy.

“Tell me.” He said gently, evasive on purpose.

He was letting her choose where to start, weather it was at the scene, or Amanda’s situation or her own feelings, he was there to hear any and all of it.

“Amanda made it to the hospital alive. She’s in surgery right now.”

Elliot sighed in relief.

“Good.”

A silence fell again.

“Nicole snapchatted somebody this morning.” Olivia offered before he could ask.

She heard him inhale sharply, understanding exactly what had happened without more explanation. After a moment, he spoke.

“She’s just a kid.” He tried to dissipate both of their anger.

Olivia sighed.

“I know.” And she did. It was the right thing to say, but it was still hard to accept. “She felt guilty…I tried to reassure her…but…”

“Yeah…”

Her emotions took over her again.

“I swear, El, if Amanda doesn’t make it-“ her voice cracked.

“She will, Liv.” He sounded so sure. “From what you told me about Rollins, she’s too strong-headed to let this keep away from her girls.”

Olivia really tried to believe him. She erased new tears from her eyes.

“Yeah…” she sniffled.

Elliot’s heart was breaking hearing her like this. He ached to just get to her and hold her. He would have, back in the days, but now he wasn’t sure he could. But staying away was too hard.

“You need me?” he finally caved.

His offer was soft, tentative. Olivia gasped at it, nonetheless. She closed her eyes at the fact that yes, she needed him so badly, but also that they were so hesitant to give into the temptation of supporting each other. She became even sadder thinking about it.

Her silence told him everything he needed.

“I can meet you-“

“Not now…” she cut him, her hand rubbing her face. She needed to put the Captain’s mask back on and finish her day. “I need to go back to the office and meet Price about the case.”

She heard him back off, even though she knew it took all of his willpower not to fight her about it. The only thing he could grab onto was the fact that she said not now and not no.

“Okay.”

Olivia let herself enjoy his soothing presence another moment.

“Thanks, El.” She said, pulling herself together.

Thanks for listening, for caring, for being here.

“Anytime you need, Liv. I mean it.” And they both knew what he was saying.

He was extending an olive branch and she wanted to do the same. A two-way street, like she asked.

“Maybe…maybe I can call you later?” her breath caught in expectation.

“Please.” He said, exhaling relief at her request.

Olivia realized he needed to talk to her as much as she did then.

“Okay.” She promised.

The call disconnected. Time to be the Captain now, she could be Olivia later tonight.

Chapter Text

When Olivia closed the door behind Lucy, she almost fell to the ground, curled up in a little ball and slept right there. She was beyond exhausted after all of the emotions of the day.

The only things that kept her moving now was the fact that Nicole was now safe in Canada, Amanda was out of surgery and conscious and the fact that she still had the option of curling up next to Noah in his bed. To get there though, she’d need to take a shower, brush her teeth, and put her pyjamas on. Those tasks seemed too much right now though. She crashed on her sofa, resting her head on the armrest, her legs taking space on the couch and closing her eyes for a minute.

She was almost asleep when her phone buzzed. Pulling it from the pocket of her pant she squinted at the screen.

Hey, just checking in with my friend Olivia.

It was late. She knew Elliot was waiting for her call but frankly she didn’t think he would still be awake at this time of night. His text sent a warm feeling to her chest though. Tears were brought to her eyes as she clinged to the device in desperate need of her partner.

Too tired to restrain herself, she called him.

“Hey.” He answered from his car, which made her frown.

“Hey. Where are you?”

“Just got out of the office.” His voice told her there was more to the story but she didn’t have the energy to question it.

“Oh. I just got home.”

“How are you holding up?” he asked genuinely.

Olivia sighed.

“I’m not sure…” she answered truthfully. “Today was…a lot.” She settled for.

“Yeah.” He acknowledged. “I talked to Fin earlier this evening. He said Amanda is out of surgery and that it went well?”

“Yeah…recovery will be a few months for sure, but it looks like she’ll be okay.”

“Good.”

The conversation came to a halt. Olivia didn’t know what to say or what he wanted to talk about. It was a bit awkward, but she was too tired to make small talk.

“Hum…do you need anything?” Elliot filled the silence.

He didn’t want to push her, didn’t want to impose, but they both knew that if this was 15 years ago, he would just show up at her apartment, get her to eat something and tuck her in under a blanket on her couch. But this was now, and their communication was difficult to say the least.

“I’m okay…” she settled for, shutting the door to him once again.

She felt bad about it because Elliot was making such an effort lately to be there for her. She knew she was the one putting on the breaks each time.

“I can make a detour and come to you…“

“It’s late Elliot, you should go home.” She cut him, thinking about how it would be a long drive for him to come to her in the middle of the night.

“I don’t mind, if you need-“

“I don’t need you Elliot.” She said with more force than intended. They both knew it was a lie, but they both know why she said it too.

Olivia regretted her reply instantly. She didn’t want to push him away, but lately that’s always what she ended up doing, despite herself. She sighed, her body digging deeper into the couch.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean that…I’m just all over the place right now…”

Elliot felt that but understood why. He desperately wanted to be there for her, and she wanted him at her side, but neither of them could come to terms to say it out loud or make a move.

Elliot sighed loudly and Olivia just knew he was rubbing his hand over his face in pure exasperation. Which stirred up her own annoyance in return, how dare he be the one who’s angry?

“Look, I know this is frustrating to you, but-“

“No.” he cut her. “I mean, yes it is, but I’m frustrated with myself, not you.”

“Oh.” She calmed down a little.

“I know I screwed this up between us, that this is on me…I’m just frustrated because…because I don’t know how to act with you anymore…I never used to need to think about it twice before, I just knew what to do, what to say…now it’s…” he tried to explain.

Olivia took a breath.

“It’s complicated, I know. I feel the same…” she admitted.

They let a moment of silence pass, each gathering their thoughts, before Elliot talked again.

“Do you think we think too much?”

They both started laughing at that.

“Did the pun in that sentence even was intentional?” she asked, still laughing.

“No.” he laughed harder.

The atmosphere lightened a bit. Olivia shook her head gently, cursing the fact that they probably were just overthinking everything. She heard Elliot take a deep breath.

“Hey my friend Olivia,” he said once their laugher had subsided a little. She hummed, her heart fluttering at the tone of his voice when he called her that. “How are you feeling right now?”

Olivia took a moment to appreciate the turn of the conversation. Instead of them thinking, he wanted them to talk about their feelings? That wasn’t much better, Olivia thought to herself. She humored him, still.

“I’m tired.” She admitted.

She heard Elliot shift.

“If this is a way of ending this conversation so you can go to sleep, it’s effective.” He teased, a note of disappointment in his voice.

“I didn’t say I was sleepy. I said I was tired.” She corrected, gently. “Exhausted.” She finished exhaling.

It’s Elliot’s turn to hum in response, not knowing what to say to that. 25 years at SVU ought to do that to a person, but he wasn’t going to bring it up. SVU was Olivia’s life, always had been and always will be. He knew that. He would never question that. And that’s why when she spoke again, the tone of her voice stirred concern in him.

“El…” she sounded hesitant. “What did it feel like?”

“What?” he asked softly, bracing himself for her question.

“Leaving your badge and your gun behind?”

And that’s when Elliot knew she was further gone that he ever imagined.

Chapter Text

“El…” she sounded hesitant. “What did it feel like?”

“What?” he asked softly, bracing himself for her question.

“Leaving your badge and your gun behind?”

Elliot sat up straighter. Olivia never spoke like that. He would never imagine her thinking about leaving her job. Was it the first time she thought about it over the years? Was she thinking about leaving now? Was she thinking of leaving like he did, without a word?

Stabler tried to focus on her instead of letting his fears run free in his mind.

“Liv, I think you’ve had a hard day…”

“If this is your way of avoiding the question, it won’t work, Detective.”

He took a moment before speaking again.

“Don’t you think this is a conversation worth having face to face..?”

“I’m too tired to have it face to face…”

“Liv…”

“Tell me.” She insisted, curling up in a ball on her sofa, as a way to brace herself for his response. Her eyes were closing more and more.

“Can I come to you? You’re scaring me…”

Olivia had noted a while ago that he had pulled over and parked, but that he had continued the conversation in the car nonetheless. She put two and two together.

“You’re already downstairs, aren’t you?”

His silence said plenty.

“I wasn’t sure what you’d need tonight…”

And so he had been prepared for any scenario. Olivia chose to feel grateful for his attention.

“Yeah…” she agreed in defeat.

Elliot didn’t need more to disconnect the Bluetooth and get out of his car. He kept the call on his cell until he was outside her door, fearing she might change her mind during his elevator ride.

They both hung up when she opened her door. She looked as exhausted as she sounded, not that Elliot would tell her that. She was still in work clothes, her hair pulled in a lazy ponytail. His first instinct was to pull her to him, but refrained from it.

He closed the door behind him and stepped closer to her. Olivia hadn’t moved, either from exhaustion or lack of energy to put distance between them like she normally did. When she looked up at him, Elliot saw how lost she was in all of her emotions. She was still trying to look strong in front of him and when he saw that she hadn’t removed her badge from her hips yet, he stepped even closer. Smiling at her frowning face, he reached for her belt. Olivia’s breath hitched as she waited for his next move. They were so close now, she could feel his warmth radiating on her skin. Elliot slowly unclipped her badge and spoke softly as not to scare her.

“You don’t have to be Captain Benson with me.”

And then pulled her in his arms in an overwhelming hug. Liv resisted for a moment, but when Elliot mumbled “Don’t think” in her hair, she caved into the embrace, molding her body to his. They stayed like this for a long time, just breathing together. That was exactly what Olivia needed tonight, even though she would never have asked for it. Elliot just knew. And acted. It was a nice change for them, to act and not think.

When he felt her getting sleepy, Elliot pulled his partner from his torso enough to look at her face.

“Come on.”

She made a disapproving sound but was too tired to fight him when he directed her first toward the living room and then to the corridor of her bedroom.

There was something intimate and yet non-sexual to the way he tucked her in. She let him take charge, and he respected her boundaries while he attended to her care. When Liv’s cheek touched her pillow, she called for him.

“El?”

He crouched beside the bed to be at her level.

“Yeah?”

“You never answered my question…” her eyes were half closed but she still was as stubborn as ever.

Elliot sighed lightly. He really didn’t want to talk about his leaving the NYPD, and certainly not hers.

“I think we should talk about this another day, Liv.”

“Don’t think.” She repeated his directive from the hallway.

He smiled at her attempt.

“One of us has to, tonight it’s me. You rest your head for a while.” He felt brave enough to stroke her hair at that, which made her close her eyes once more.

“Would you do it again, giving the circumstances?” She wouldn’t let it go.

Her eyes opened again and Elliot saw that she needed an answer. A truthful answer.

“No.” he whispered, seriously. Her eyes watered a little. “It was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Olivia stared at him a moment before nodding slightly. She looked so vulnerable right now, Elliot felt closer to her than he ever did.

“Come on, go to sleep. Tomorrow will be another day and Captain Benson can go back to helping victims then.” He said sweetly, putting her badge on her nightstand.

Her eyes followed his movements and stared at her badge with an odd expression.

“Liv?” he pulled her attention back to him. “Can I…can I stay a while? On the couch? I promise I’ll be gone when Noah wakes up, I just…” he hesitated. “I just wanna make sure you’re okay?”

This felt familiar. Him staying on her couch, protecting her. That was exactly what they would have done, 15 years ago. It felt comforting. Olivia nodded.

“Please.” She added, affirming that she wanted him to stay as well.

Elliot smiled in relief. He got up, made sure she was fully covered by the sheets and squeezed her upper arm through them in reassurance. He walked to exit the room and turned one last time towards his partner before closing the door. Her eyes were still fixed on the badge on her nightstand, she looked pensive. Elliot went back to the living room, hoping the night of sleep would chase the retirement thoughts out of her mind.

Chapter Text

Olivia woke up, feeling surprisingly rested. Opening her eyes slowly, she noticed it was still pretty dark and that she was still curled up under her covers in the same position Elliot had tucked her in. Elliot. Her eyes fell on the badge on her nightstand and her mind started running again. She remembered almost breaking at the exhaustion from yesterday, her desire to just leave everything behind and her conversation with Stabler.

She tried to listen for any sign that he was still here but didn’t hear anything. He had said that he would leave before the morning, but somewhat, she needed to see him right now. To feel him near again.

She got up quietly, put on a bathrobe and walked to the living room. Passing in front of the kitchen, she noticed the clock on the wall read 4:35 am. A bit later than her usual 4 am wake up, but still early. Rounding the corner, Olivia stopped at the foot of her couch and let out a sigh in relief. Elliot was still there, asleep. He had pulled the backseat blanket over him and looked comfortable enough.

Olivia took the time to absorb everything she could from her sleeping partner. His presence alone made her feel safe and calm. Her eyes went over his features, taking their time. She used to know every line of his face by heart, but since his return, she often couldn’t hold his gaze too long before having to look away to hide her pain.

Weather she had made some noise or he had felt her, Elliot stirred after a few minutes. His eyes found her stilling form and to his credit he didn’t flinch at the creepiness of her presence.

“Hey,” his voice was rough. “You okay?” he seemed concerned.

He sat up bringing the blanket with him.

“Yeah, sorry I woke you.” She didn’t offer anything more about why she was there watching him in his sleep but pulled the robe tighter around her.

Elliot checked his watch.

“That’s okay, I had an alarm for 4:45.” he rubbed his hand over his face to erase the sleepiness. “Did you sleep?” he looked back at her.

“Yeah…a few hours.” And she didn’t want to tell him how much more rested she felt after those few hours with him on her couch than any night in the last year and a half.

Elliot nodded and stood up.

“Good. I’m glad.” He smiled and shot a tentative glance behind her.

“He doesn’t wake up until 6:30 usually.” She offered, knowing he was concerned about her son walking out of his bedroom and finding a stranger, well an almost stranger, on their couch.

Something in her voice made him stop folding the blanket though.

“Do you…do you want coffee?” she hesitantly asked.

“At 4:30? Don’t you want to enjoy another one or two hours of sleep?”

She shrugged.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to anyway.” The truth was that she really didn’t want him to leave just yet.

Elliot studied her a moment before accepting.

“Alright.”

Olivia looked relieved and smiled before walking to the kitchen. Elliot watched her work in the kitchen from the living room, assessing her mental state. She seemed better, but he wouldn’t leave her alone just yet.

Chapter Text

After Olivia came back with their coffees, they sat next to each other on her couch and talked about lighter subjects. His kids, his work, her work, nothing traumatizing or nothing about their rebuilding relationship. Just small talk between friends. It helped their brains from going a mile a minute.

After a while, Olivia yawned unceremoniously which made Elliot laugh.

“You want to get more sleep before Noah gets up?”

“I’m good.”

“Liv, that yawn just showed me what you had for breakfast yesterday.” He teased.

She slapped his arm annoyed.

“I won’t sleep anyway.” She sighed, looking down in her lap.

Elliot grew concerned.

“How long?”

“About a year and a half.”

He did the math and felt the familiar guilt return.

“I’m talking to my therapist about it.” She tried to reassure him.

He nodded.

“Does it help?”

She then thought back at what Lindstrom had said to her. See if there is anything there with Stabler or move on. She contemplated how they were sitting, close to another on her couch in the early morning.

“I think so.”

And that seemed to satisfy him for the moment. After a silence, she exhaled and closed her eyes.

“Can we just stay like this? And not think?” she asked.

Elliot took advantage at the fact that her eyes were closed to examine her face closely.

“Sure.” He said, getting comfortable to relax too.

But the position he was in wasn’t the best. So he decided to take their mugs, put them on the table and before Liv could question him, he put an arm around her to pull her to his side, extending his own legs across the couch. They were lying down sideways, his head on the armrest and hers on his chest. Olivia let him move them without a word, which surprised them both. Once they were comfortable, Liv sighed in contentment.

“You really want to put me back to sleep, don’t you?” she mumbled lazily.

He laughed softly and following their moto for the night: he didn’t think before his next move.

“If I really wanted to put you back to sleep, I’d do this.” His free hand went through her hair to play against her scalp.

The moan escaped her mouth before she could process what was happening. This was the most intimate moment of their 25 years relationship. They both unspokenly decided not to let this become awkward and just enjoy the moment.

Elliot moved his fingers gently for a few minutes. Olivia forced herself to be in the moment and not overthink it.

A few minutes of blissful silence passed before Olivia spoke again.

“I don’t want to quit, you know.”

Elliot knew she was referring to their conversation the previous night.

“I know.” He simply said.

Olivia Benson was the polar opposite of a quitter.

“Sometimes it’s just too much…and lately, it’s been too much, too often.” She admitted.

“I know.” He repeated, because she doesn’t need advice right now, she just needs to be listened to and understood.

“I just thought…maybe I understand now why you left…how it’s easier to just walk away than to get up every morning and face everything…”

Elliot didn’t reply at that. He wanted to think carefully about his words before answering.

“It was cowardly. Me leaving. And yes it might seem easier, but that stuff you run away from every morning, it follows you, Liv. It follows you fucking everywhere.” His voice sounded tortured. “You can’t escape it…the only thing to do is to face it.”

They let his words hang in the hair. He didn’t need to say all of the words for them to understand that he wasn’t talking just about the job.

“I’ve always admired that in you.” He sent the conversation sideways.

“What?”

“The way you attack things. The fearlessness you face them with. You were always my inspiration for that.” And for so much more, he wanted to add but didn’t.

Olivia blushed at the compliment.

“I wasn’t always so fierce…” and now it’s her voice that emitted pain.

“Yeah you were…from your childhood, to getting in the Academy…leading investigations in a male dominant environment…handling the most difficult partner ever for twelve years…” he felt her laughed at that. “To getting your own squad, leading SVU, climbing up the ranks, being the fearless Captain Benson…having a child and raising him with an impossible schedule…that’s all you. I’m so fucking proud of you, Liv.” He finished by hugging her a bit tighter, his face in her hair.

She let her tears fall at his words, and also at the fact that he didn’t know about the hardest things she ever faced. Olivia had dreaded that conversation for months now, because she had always imagined Elliot’s vision of her would change after he’d learn about the Lewis saga. But hearing these words from him, it put at ease any doubts and fears she had about it. When she was going to tell him, because she would eventually, he, above all the anger and guilt, would be proud of her to have survived it. He wouldn’t see her as less, he would see her as even more. Now she knew.

The tears flowed even more then.

“I missed you so much, El…” she let herself say, her voice cracking.

Elliot hugged her closer and let he cry on his chest. He would mumble some “I’m sorry”, “It’s okay” and “I’m here, Liv”, but mostly just held her until she let all of her tears out.

Once the emotions subsided a little, Olivia released his shirt and put her arm around his torso to hug him back. Exhaustion creeping up on her once again.

They hugged for the longest time after that and stayed embraced while going in and out of sleep for the next hour.

Chapter Text

Even though he didn’t want to move, Elliot raised his arm to look at the time. 6:30. He knew Olivia wasn’t asleep but still spoke quietly.

“I should go…” he exhaled.

Reluctantly they both sat up and raised from the couch.

Olivia silently followed him to the kitchen to put their empty mugs in the sink. She found herself reluctant to let him go. The thought of them lying together on the couch rose emotions she had difficulty containing right now.

As Elliot turned to leave the kitchen, she didn’t move to let him pass. The look on her face stopped him dead in his tracks. It was raw, open, vulnerable. They were standing close in the middle of her kitchen, looking at each other for a long moment, both communicating so much without any word.

When Olivia dropped her gaze to his lips, Elliot’s gut twisted. It’s not that he didn’t want this, on the contrary, but she was still emotionally raw and he didn’t want to do this when she was in that state. Olivia’s heart quickened at the change of atmosphere. Elliot felt it as well.

“Liv-“

“El,” she put her hand on his forearm. “Don’t think.”

It took everything in him not to bridge the gap between them. If he stopped thinking, like she asked, he’d kiss her right here and now, and he suspected that’s where her mind was as well. But this was not the right time.

“One of us has to…” he sounded as disappointed as she felt. “At least until we’re both steady enough to not-think together…” he added, a promise for the future.

Olivia raised her eyes to his once again. She nodded in understanding. They both took a breath and Elliot forced himself to take a step back.

“Hey my friend Elliot?” she asked with a soft smile, and that stirred something deep inside him.

“Yeah?” he smiled back.

“Would you like to join Noah and me for breakfast this morning?”

Elliot’s smile got bigger then.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Then I’d really like that, yes.”

They heard Noah coming out of his room.

“Mom?” he turned the corner to the kitchen, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

“Morning baby. How are you?” she went to kiss him. “You remember my friend Elliot?” she addressed the situation before her son could comment on the man standing in their kitchen.

“Yeah. Hi Elliot.”

“Hey buddy. Did you sleep well?”

Olivia recognized the look on her son’s face and answered his question before he could ask it.

“I invited Elliot for breakfast, is that okay?”

Noah looked at her for a moment as if he wanted to ask more but dropped the subject.

“Sure. Can I have cereal this morning?”

“Of course my sweet boy. Go get dressed and we can eat after.”

Noah returned to his bedroom and Olivia shared a look with her partner.

“You two seem to have a great relationship.” Elliot complimented on her motherhood.

Olivia blushed.

“He’s too smart for his own good though, I’ll be in trouble before long.” She joked.

Elliot laughed, his mind going to other mornings similar to this one where her son might not buy that Elliot was simply ‘invited for breakfast’…he refrained from sharing his thoughts, but saw that his partner’s mind had gone in a similar direction. They smiled shyly at each other. Elliot cleared his voice and tried to release the tension in the air.

“You should go change as well, I’ll start a fresh pot of coffee.”

She had forgotten that in her state last night, she hadn’t bothered to change from her work clothes before Elliot tucked her in.

“Yeah I probably should…” she said looking down at herself. “What about you?”

Elliot shrugged as he started busying himself with changing the filter of the pot.

“I’ll stop by my place before going to work, Ayanna knows I’m not reliable on my hours when we don’t have meetings or anything.”

Olivia laughed at the memories from their time as partners. Elliot was definitely not a morning person, especially if there wasn’t anything important on his schedule.

“Right. I’ll be back.” she promised, as she disappeared into the corridor.

Elliot continued working on the coffee, mainly to focus his thoughts on something other than what had almost happened in her kitchen earlier, and other than the fact that Olivia was changing clothes a few feet away from him.

Olivia dressed up quickly, brushed her teeth and her hair and applied some basic makeup on her fresh face. As she was ready to leave the bedroom, she noticed her badge still on the nightstand. She went to pick it up but instead of clipping it on her belt right away, she let herself study the object in her hand, her mind going back to her conversation with Elliot earlier this morning.

“I’ve always admired that in you.”

“What?”

“The way you attack things. The fearlessness you face them with. You were always my inspiration for that.”

“I wasn’t always so fierce…”

“Yeah you were…from your childhood, to getting in the Academy…leading investigations in a male dominant environment…handling the most difficult partner ever for twelve years…” he felt her laughed at that. “To getting your own squad, leading SVU, climbing up the ranks, being the fearless Captain Benson…having a child and raising him with an impossible schedule…that’s all you. I’m so fucking proud of you, Liv.”

She felt the tears come back at the thought. Squaring her shoulders in an attempt to give herself courage for another full day, she inhaled deeply and clipped the badge to her belt.

When she came out of the bedroom, Noah was already eating cereal in front of the tv.

Elliot noticed her attire and her badge on her hips. He sighed in relief as he saw that Captain Benson was back this morning. Maybe their talk had worked after all.

Before she could ask how her son got the cereal, Elliot greeted her with a fresh cup of coffee and answered.

“He asked for Captain Crunch. I hope that’s not the weekend cereal or else your kid has a great poker face.” Elliot spoke softly to her.

She was surprised at the familiarity of it all. Surprised but oh so delighted. She took the mug from his hands and smiled her thanks.

“It’s not the weekend cereal but the special occasion cereal. I’d say it’s fitting.” She risked a glance at him and found him smiling warmly.

The air shifted and suddenly Olivia realized she had all the energy in the world. That was what was missing in her life. What she deserved. A reliable, trusting, present partner. If all mornings could start like this one, she would be so happy. They lost themselves in each other’s eyes for a moment. Lost themselves in the possibilities, the desires, the promises.

As much as she wanted to stay hopeful, Olivia felt the usual sadness coming as she thought about all the scenarios where it could not happen for them, that maybe she was asking for too much, too late. Just before she dragged her eyes away from his, Elliot touched her hips to make her stay with him in the moment.

“Hey. Don’t think.” He whispered, his eyes pleading for her to believe in the possibility.

She smiled, pushing down her doubts. Elliot stood strong before her and all she wanted in the world was to stand strong with him. In this, together. To see whatever this was come to life.