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She organizes their house profusely the day before they’ve invited their parents for lunch. She does so between Kang Yi’s nursing sessions, but as she runs her eyes for every surface and room of their apartment, it doesn’t even seem people live there. It is so spotless that it makes her feel proud, and beyond exhausted. She is faring a little better after getting used to her new body - post-partum mesh underwear, clothes, and all -, but it also takes all her energy to focus on herself and her baby. When she lays down to sleep, her baby by her side on the bed, it doesn’t take long for her to drift off before she can lower her sleep mask and put on her earplugs.
This time, she wakes up before their son starts crying. Her husband is sound asleep beside her, and she can see the tired expression on his face, so it makes her glad he doesn’t have to wake up to get to her. Maybe, she reflects as she scoops her baby up in her arms and takes him to the nursery, she’s not the only one who has been deeply exhausted for the past week. She lights the lamp on the dresser, pushes the door to the room to keep it ajar, just a whisp of light to keep them company as she sits down on the reclining chair, and takes some time to just admire her son’s sleepy features. His small hands are curled into fists, and his lips are moving adorably into a sucking motion, as he presses them open and close.
She offers him her nipple, holding him in place as his little hand extends to press on her breast. She has already fed him 48 times throughout the week. She feels super proud of being able to do so even though people might have thought she wouldn’t be good enough to be a wife, much less a mother. It raises her determination. Because, as her husband had once promised her, he would love her even if it was hard, she would be a mom, even if it made her tired, even if it made her feel weird about her own body. She knew she didn’t need to prove herself to anyone, but, deep down, she needed to prove to herself she was capable of doing so. Being a mother worthy of her son. Being a wife worthy of her husband.
As her son nurses, she gets up to get a burping cloth in the dresser’s drawer, rocking herself gently, walking side to side in the room. Youngwoo is a mother. A mother. She is a mother who puts her son’s needs before her own’s. A mother who wants so badly to go back to sleep because she is exhausted, but that knows her son needs to be taken care of and so she does.
“Kang Yi-ya, did you know that whale calves are approximately a quarter of the length of their mom’s? Calves weigh 3 to 4% of their mom’s weight and they are born by their tails first, although heads first are also possible. It is different from us, right? You were born weighing 3,4 kg, which is almost 8% of my body weight”, she sits back down on the reclining chair, holding her son’s position so he can continue to feed, glancing down at her son as she lays back, neck relaxing against the chair. “Blue whale calves stay with their moms for six to seven months before weaning, but they take eight to ten years to reach sexual maturity. You will stay with us for much more time after weaning, you do know that, don’t you? And you won’t reach full sexual maturity before you are at least 20 years old, although some studies suggest that adolescence now goes until one is 25 years old. Do you think you will want to have your own place when you’re around this age like your appa did? Eomma lived with oe harabeoji before moving in with appa. I don’t suppose you’d like to keep living with us for that long, but we will be here for you whenever you need it”, her son seems to agree with this particular declaration, as he presses his open hand on her breast. “It's weird because I think you're so tiny, but when I look at baby whales I don't think they are tiny compared to their mothers”, she pauses for a moment. “Is it because you’re my son? Do moms have this tendency of finding their children always small and fragile compared to those of others?”
Kang Yi chooses this moment to let go of her nipple, satisfied and sleepy. She turns him in her arms, burping him as she has done with every feeding session. She goes to their suite and places him down into the bassinet before following the routine of cleaning herself and getting in bed to go back to sleep.
The soft breeze from the open window and the barely there noise of the curtains don’t wake her up in the morning. Instead, as she stretches and cracks her joints, what makes her sit up in bed is the sound of people talking. She thinks she hears four distinct voices at first, but then she listens closely again and realizes there are actually six different ones. One glance at the clock tells her it’s eleven in the morning. She must have woken up to feed Kang Yi and drifted back to sleep at least three different times after setting him back on his bassinet during the night.
She tries to make out the different voices as she gets ready: her husband’s, her brother’s, her mother-in-law’s, her father-in-law’s, her father’s, and her mother’s. She sets her hairbrush on the sink. Her mother’s voice? What was her mother doing in her house? She tries not to focus on the myriad of different emotions that start to rise inside and finishes getting ready. It is still hard to know what to wear when she is inside her own house, but having people over. She settles for a comfortable purple skirt and a T-shirt with the same undertone she steals from Junho's wardrobe. As she is putting on her comfortable whale slippers again and practicing a smile on her face in front of their glassed-doors wardrobe, her husband finds her in their bedroom.
“Good morning,” she smiles at his reflection in the mirror. “Did I hear Attorney Tae Sumi’s voice?”
“Morning,” Junho smiles back at her. “Yes, that’s right,” he holds her shoulders, leaning in to kiss her jaw, and then turning her so he can kiss her on the lips. “It appears she is just here with your brother, though”
“Hmm, ok”, his wife nods. “I’m starving,” she confides. “Are we all going out to have lunch together?”
“If you want to, I think my parents and your dad brought food over, and then we can all have lunch together here so it doesn’t disturb our schedule”, Youngwoo nods, pleased, and together they get to their kitchen and living room area. “Your dad has brought Woo Youngwoo gimbap”, he tells her after she bows to her father-in-law and her mother-in-law. Junho sets the plate down for her on the table as she sits, and her father makes a noise that she interprets as a complaint.
“Thank you, yeobo,” she grabs her chopsticks and starts arranging the pieces of gimbap one by one, ready to dig in and fill her empty stomach. But then, she stops short, sets her cutlery down. Her father looks at her gobsmacked as if he doesn’t understand why she is forsaking her meal. She can see the question clear on his face, but the confusion doesn’t last long because as soon as she is on her feet - Junho holding her chair out to her - Kang Yi’s cry for attention inundates the room. “Sorry,” she scans the room for Kang Yi’s bassinet. Her mother-in-law gets to her feet, holding the newborn in her arms.
Kang Yi fusses in the older woman’s arms and Youngwoo takes extra care in transferring him over to her own arms, as she automatically starts humming the familiar melody she has been ever since she started doing her taegyo. Her baby stops crying almost immediately, and as he calms down, she closes the door to the nursery before stripping off Junho’s shirt, sits down with her nursing pillows, chest bare, and starts nursing her son. She lets Kang Yi nurse on one of her breasts first, before giving him some time to rest, changing his diaper, and positioning him for the other. When he is done, satiated, and happy, she follows the routine to get dressed again.
When she joins everybody back, with her son in her arms, the table is already set. As their apartment is way too small for everybody to gather around it, Gwangho and Junho’s father immediately take the couch with their plates as they launch into an animated conversation about raising their children and how they’d spoil the newest addition to the family. Sanghyeon pulls a chair to sit on the head of the table, the nearest he can possibly get to his sister. His mom is sitting beside Junho’s mother on the other side of the table, directly in front of Youngwoo and Junho.
There’s a plate of her gimbap already there for her, so she gives Kang Yi to her husband so he can place him in the bassinet next to him and dives for her plate. Her stomach is complaining from the lack of food, and her mouth is dry from dehydration - she had learned nursing made her feel parched, and she usually kept a glass of water near her armchair, but she had forgotten to fill it up after last night's session and her husband, she figures, must have been keeping their guests company since she slept in so late, so he didn't have time to fill it for her.
Youngwoo waits until her mother-in-law has taken the first bite of her dish before diving in on her gimbap. Yes, she was hungry. Yes, she wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep and spending time with her newborn son and taking a bunch of pictures of him, but she was not impolite. She is immersed in chewing her food when her mother-in-law calls out to her.
"Myeoneuli, how are you fe- Ani, are you feeling exhausted, or do you need help around the house? Is there anything I can help you with?" She offers Youngwoo a smile and continues eating as the lawyer thinks. It had taken a little time to understand how to make her daughter-in-law comfortable, but when she realized it, she didn't mind it. Youngwoo made his son happy - the happiest she had ever seen him - and she would treat her daughter-in-law with the respect she was due.
"Aniyo, eomeonim." Youngwoo sets her cutlery down and looks briefly at the older woman. "I organized our house yesterday and we have plenty of food in the freezer to keep us well-nourished for the week, I think"
Her mother-in-law presses her lips together. There's a frown in her expression she doesn't direct at Youngwoo, but it makes her confused anyway. Had she said something wrong? Were wives supposed to cook fresh food for their husbands and not rely on pre-made food even on post-partum? Junho didn't seem to mind. He actually told her the week before she gave birth it was a good thing they had frozen food so it would be one thing less to worry about and get done… but maybe it was wrong of her to… Youngwoo twists her hands on her skirt under the table. She opens her mouth to apologize and to assure her mother-in-law she is going to do better, when…
"Ahdul, is my myeoneuli really telling me this spotless house we've been welcomed into was taken care of by only her, and you didn't lift a finger to help?" Youngwoo doesn't understand her tone. That was exactly what had happened, but because she had done it while watching Kang Yi during his sleep time and she thought it was only fair Junho got some extra sleep. They were taking turns after all. Her husband stammers and she swears his posture somehow changes.
"Eomma also de-stresses cleaning and organizing", Sanghyeon offers before Junho can answer his mom. Tae Sumi doesn't add to this comment but does send her son a look to keep quiet. Sanghyeon shrugs and goes back to eating his gimbap quietly.
"Junho?" Youngwoo directs her attention to her mother-in-law who is staring at her husband. Is he in trouble?
"Don't worry, eomeonim. We have been sharing our chores and I do like cleaning and organizing while Junho prefers budgeting and grocery shopping so it works well for us" she supplies in hope it placates her mother-in-law's feelings towards Junho.
"Yes, I know that," her mother-in-law nods. "but you're recovering from childbirth and while I support your modern household agreement, you shouldn't be exerting yourself after giving birth, especially because it's your first child and you must have a lot of things to… process" her mother-in-law keeps her eyes at Junho as she talks and it sounds weird to her the way the other woman is looking at her husband.
"I know," Junho finally speaks, sounding a little exasperated. "Can we please speak about this later?"
He appears upset, Youngwoo notices. She makes a mental note to ask him about it since he doesn't want to talk about it now. Youngwoo finishes her plate and takes it to the sink. She notices her father-in-law is finished and asks whether he wants to help himself with more food, but as he refuses she also takes his plate to be washed. She does the same with her dad, then Tae Sumi, and finally her brother, husband, and mother-in-law.
Her father-in-law announces it is time to go after chatting for a couple more minutes with her dad. Tae Sumi is ready to do the same, given that Sanghyeon and Youngwoo are done discussing his plans for college, but as the younger woman is saying her goodbyes to her in-laws, she turns to Tae Sumi and gathering all her courage declares - with no room for disagreement "We need to talk" as she goes to get Kang Yi in her arms.
Youngwoo doesn't think Attorney Tae Sumi - otherwise known as the mother who abandoned her - will even consider what she says. She is older, and being dismissed was really a constant in Youngwoo's life, but to her astonishment, Sumi agrees. "Should we walk outside? Maybe find a tree like when we were in Sodeok-Dong"
“Yeobo,” Youngwoo turns to look at Junho who is taking turns talking with her dad and her brother. “I’m going to take a walk. We’ll be right back”
“Ah, yes”, he gets to his feet and goes to their bedroom, emerging with a bucket hat and Attorney Jung’s gifted sling. Junho places the bucket hat fondly on her head and helps her wrap the sling with Kang Yi on her chest. “Now you can keep your hands free and protect yourself from the sun”
“Youngwoo-ya,” her dad calls from the couch. “you shouldn’t go out with a baby in this weather. It’s sunny. You have to protect your child”
“Abeoji, Kang Yi is my child. I appreciate the concern, but I won’t ever do anything that puts him at risk. Please, stop telling me how I should raise my child,” she doesn’t look at her dad when she tells him that. Instead, she focuses on Junho’s hands that gently hold her arms, on the way his body is near her, and on how grateful she is she can finally stand up to her dad - if not for herself, at least for her son. Youngwoo raises her eyes to her husband’s. “We are not going to take long. I’ll keep to the shade”
Junho smiles at her. “Yes. If you need anything, I’m here”
Tae Sumi and her walk for a few blocks before they find a tree with a big shade where they can sit. Youngwoo twists her hands in front of her, wondering how to approach the subject that had sparked her sudden need to talk to the older lawyer; she inhales deeply and runs her hand’s on Kang Yi’s back to ground herself.
“Sanghyeon likes you a lot” Sumi declares when an uncomfortable amount of time has passed. “I’m not trying to be your mother by being here. I’m being the mother he deserves me to be, so I apologize if I have made you feel uncomfortable today by imposing my presence”
“I know,” Youngwoo turns her body to face the other woman. She takes a pause, ordering her thoughts. “You asked me a long time ago whether I resented you for... abandoning me. I don't, I never did. I was harsh when I told you back in the restaurant - when you showed up with Att. Kwon - you were not my mother. Even though you chose not to keep me, it wasn't my father's right to make you have me, and as far as I understand, he did. Now that I am a mother myself, I understand how much commitment a child demands and I understand why at such a young age you may have decided it was not something you wanted for yourself. So, no, I don't resent you and you did not make me uncomfortable today” a pause again to allow the older attorney to reply. When she doesn’t, Youngwoo carries on “I'd like us to remain friends, though, for Sangyeong's sake. You have never been my mother, but I'd like to have you as a mentor if you will, for when things turn hard, or for any advice, you may wish to offer if you allow me”
“I can’t really be your mentor, can I? We work for opposing law firms,” Tae Sumi laughs. “But if you’re ever in trouble, I’d like to help you like you helped my son do the right thing three years ago”
“Ah, yes”, Youngwoo nods. “Thank you,” she murmurs.
“Attorney Kwon told me about when you and, I assume, Junho broke up”
“He did?”
“He did. I knew very little about you at that time, mostly what I had read on the news about the first autistic lawyer there was in Korea, but it made me happy you had found love and grown to be such an accomplished young woman. You’re very perceptive when you say your dad didn’t have the right to ask what he did to me. I was inexperienced and it would have been easier to put an end to things than do what we did. I believe it would’ve saved the three of us a lot of trouble and your father would’ve had a better life as a law graduate. We cannot change what is done, though, so I’m glad to know you don’t resent me” Sumi pauses as the wind picks up around them. Youngwoo feels too much at the same time that she can’t pinpoint the exact feeling that makes her eyes water and the tears drop from her face. She pushes them away and focuses on her baby’s smell and on the soft noises he makes as he naps on her chest. “I’m also glad your husband loves you the way he does. It is hard being a woman in our field”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean your husband is a decent man who treats you like his partner, and not as a living maid or as a sex toy. He knows you shouldn’t pick after him and he values the things you like. Hold onto him, Attorney Woo. When waters are rough, he can be your anchor”
“I know. Junho and I now have our own little pod with Kang Yi. I’m profoundly grateful I have him as my mate even if loving me is hard”
“Why do you think that?”
“I have autism. Most people don’t know how to talk to me, or how to behave when I stim or when I have a meltdown. But Junho said he would love me even if it was hard, and he has been keeping that promise”
“You’re not a hard person to love, Attorney Woo. In fact, it’s easy to love you as it is easy to breathe. One does it without realizing it.” Tae Sumi gets to her feet and gestures in the direction they had come. “Shall we get back?” Youngwoo nods, heart in her throat, tears streaming down her eyes as she holds her son closer to her, and follows her mother home.