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The sound of gunfire feels distant.
I can’t hear my own footsteps.
When I place my hand against the wall, it leaves a deep red handprint.
“Ah…”
I might die. That simple thought was the first that came to mind.
To be honest, I feel like I made a mistake. While trying to protect an allied Lycoris, I got my flank grazed by a bullet. It wasn’t a direct hit, but the bleeding hasn’t stopped since. My body temperature is low. And for a while now, my vision has been dark, my chest filled with pain. I understood immediately that the charge of my heart was at a dangerous level.
“Seriously… Even though my eyes are supposed to be good…”
A weak laugh escapes my mouth. I’d run out of luck the moment I pretended I was fine, since the medical teams were already overstretched. After all, it didn’t matter, right? Whether I received treatment or not, I was going to die anyway. It was just whether or not I would be in pain in my final moments.
“Hack, owwww…”
As I cough, blood accompanies it. Placing my back against the wall, I slide down to the ground. Looking at the hand I had placed on my wound, it was plastered with sticky blood. Ah, was blood always this dark-coloured? Such a strangely calm thought crosses my mind.
“Haha…”
It seems like my time is about to come. I’ve hurt many people during my time as a Lycoris. But I’ve never killed. That’s the result of sticking to my beliefs. I’ve also made mistakes and failed too, but I’m satisfied. It’d be nice if I’ll reincarnate into a human in the next life too. Before that, I’ll go to heaven, and watch loads of movies I haven’t watched yet. I want to meet some movie stars too. I want to tell them what I think about the movies, too.
“It’s been fun, huh?”
My life up till now… It’s been fun. That was what I honestly felt. It really has been fun. Thinking about it, I’ve been blessed by many people. Sensei, Mizuki, Kurumi, Shinohara-san, Yamadera-san, Gotou-san, Itou-san, Abe-san, Tsuchii-san, Toku-san, the kids at the nursery, the teachers at the Japanese school, everyone in the yakuza family, Yoshi-san, Fuki. Plus Kusunoki-san too. She was the one who took me in, after all.
“Takina…”
And Takina. For the past ten months or so, I’d been together with her all the time, so my memories with her are the strongest. That’s why I’m sure that when my life flashes before my eyes, it’d be my memories with Takina. I’m sorry, everyone else. Since I’m going to die, at least let me be selfish at the very end.
Takina. She was a beautiful girl. She’s reliable and level-headed, but unexpectedly lacking in common sense. Sometimes, she’d be more clueless and tactless than even me, who normally just does whatever I want. But at her core, she was someone who stuck to her principles without ever pandering to anyone else.
“... Takinaaa…”
And I felt my body slump further to the ground. Now, only my head was against the wall, and I almost looked like I was sleeping. My eyelids feel heavy. I suppose Takina must feel sad if I die? I’m sure she would, right? With tears streaming down her face, she’d say, “Don’t joke around like this!”, or something like that.
I’ve caused her lots of trouble, haven’t I? I feel like I have, especially ever since my artificial heart was destroyed. It was almost like she was my caregiver then.
I wonder why she was so worried about me? Even though we’ve known each other for less than a year. I wonder why she tried so hard to protect me? Even though I’m the stronger one.
I wonder why?
Takina.
I want to ask you why.
I want to see you.
I want you to smile.
I want you to get angry at me.
I want you to cook for me.
I want to sleep with you.
I want to watch movies with you.
I want to eat delicious food.
I want to go on dates.
I want to choose clothes for you.
I want to see you in all kinds of hairstyles.
I want to talk to you more.
I want to talk to you all night.
I want to touch you.
I want you to touch me.
I want to feel your warmth.
I wonder why.
I’ve only been with her for ten months, but it feels more important than the ten years I’ve spent at LycoReco. It was so important and so heavy that it settled in my very core, and before I knew it, it had taken over pretty much all of me.
Even though everyone was supposed to be important to me.
Takina is so special I can’t help it.
I want to see her.
I want to see her.
I want to see Takina.
“I can’t die—...”
If I die, I can’t see her.
I won’t leave any regrets in this world, I’ll prioritize what I want to do the most, do things without a care, thank you everyone, it’s been fun. That was how it was supposed to be. But at this rate, rather than regrets, it’s something I can’t leave behind.
Even though I have these lingering feelings—
“I can’t die like this, can I—...”
I dizzily stand up. My head spun. I have neither sufficient blood nor sufficient charge. But I have to struggle. If there’s even a small chance.
My principle is to prioritize what I want to do the most after all.
I’ll live and meet Takina. That’s what I want to do the most right now.
I proceed slowly down the dark, dark corridor. I have the whole map layout in my head. There should be a side door leading outside right ahead of me. I think most of the enemies should have been defeated by the DA by now. I shouldn’t meet any enemies this far from the location of the main battle.
“Hahhh… Hahhh…”
Sweat flows endlessly; I gradually lose my breath; blood dribbles down. I advance step by step in this unseemly manner. My life really has been one of “memento mori”. To not forget I had to die. That’s why I’d always been doing nothing but leading up to my death. What was important was how I died. With a smile and a peace sign, I’ll say “It’s been fun!”, and that’s how I wanted to die.
“Takina… Takina…”
I deliriously call out her name. That was what anchored me to this life, and what I could count on. Despite putting on a face that said I wasn’t scared of anything like dying, now, with my whole body and soul, I don’t want to die. How uncool. What was the point of my life up till now?
That’s fine.
Even if I’m unseemly, even if I’m lame, I want to see Takina.
I don’t want to pass on with these feelings left behind.
What I want to do is my highest priority, right?
Then, at the very least, I should try putting my life as the highest priority.
“Ah…”
Shafts of light leak in. It’s a door. I no longer have the strength to open it, so I lift the gun in my hand. I can’t let myself be bound by standards now. I pull the trigger without a care.
After I’d spent the whole magazine, the door fell over on its own. I walk towards the light.
“...”
It’s bright. It was still daytime. Looking up at the sky, it’s a cloudy day. But the clouds were split and rays of light shone through the gaps. What was this called?
Oh right, crepuscular rays. Also known as the ladders of angels.
The scenery was too beautiful for my last moment. Perhaps my time has come? Even so, I lift my middle finger towards the sky.
“I can’t die yet. Sorry, angels.”
My angel is in this world right now. While muttering this line straight out of a movie, I close my eyes.
“... Ah…”
I open my eyes. I can see a pure white ceiling. Hm? “I open my eyes”?
“Why am I…”
I get up. Once I did, what entered my vision was the sight of Takina slumped against my bed.
“Takinaaa…”
Oh no, I’m going to cry. She was right in front of me, where I could reach if I just stretched my arm out. The person who made me think I want to see her, I want to see her even if I die, so I want to live. She was right there.
“Chi… sato…?”
Takina lifts her head. Her eyebags are awful. I guess she hasn’t slept all this while? Her head was wrapped in a bandage, a gauze stuck to her cheek. Did she get injured in that last operation? I hope she’s fine. While I’m thinking that, her beautiful face gradually crumbles.
“Chisato… Ahh, Chisato!”
While her face gets sloppily covered in tears, Takina comes and embraces me. “Oof!” I’m an injured person after all, so I wish she’d be a little gentler.
Still, I’m happy. I could finally meet and touch Takina. I could touch her, and so that’s one less lingering feeling to worry about… is what I wish I could say, but I’m greedy and find myself wanting even more.
“Chisato, Chisato, Chisato, Chisato, Chisato!”
“... Yes, yes, Chisato-san right here—!”
At this point, Takina has almost become an animal that makes the sound “Chisato”, and continues to call my name. I give her a whack on the back. And so finally, Takina lets go of me while sniffling.
“Chisato, I… Rea, really, gla, sniff, wehhhhh…”
“Ahhh here, here. Please don’t cry. And thanks.”
I pet her head, and she presses her head against my palm. An “oof!” escapes my mouth, but with a completely different meaning. She’s way too cute. What kind of creature is this? It might be an endangered species so we have to protect it.
“Hey, Takina. Why am I alive? I was certain I was dead.”
Despite Takina finally having calmed down, she tears up again and brandishes her fist at me.
“Ahh! Hold on hold on hold on! Wait, I’m happy! I’m happy about it, but I’m just asking how?”
After my explanation, Takina lowers her fist while continuing to sob.
“A, a new, sniff…”
“A new?”
“A new, artificial, heart…”
“... Eh?”
It seems like in my chest, there’s now a new artificial heart placed inside. It’s different from before and requires regular maintenance, though. But it seems that it’ll last for life as long as I live a proper life and don’t do anything too strenuous.
“I see… I really am alive now, huh?”
I open my patient robe and take a look at my chest. Unlike the previous time, there’s a horrible scar left on it.
“That’s…”
“... It’s quite something, isn’t it.”
I shouldn’t mind something like this. I finally got to live, after all. But, what is most important to me now, is what Takina thought about it.
Perhaps she thinks it’s painful to look at, or disgusting?
I can’t help but worry about it.
While I was thinking that, Takina stretched out and touched the scar.
“This is proof that you’re alive, Chisato.”
She caresses the scar lovingly.
“It’s proof that you’re here for me, Chisato.”
Takina laughs with tearful eyes.
“I’m glad that you’re alive.”
And then this time, she embraces me gently.
“I’m glad, I’m glad.”
I can feel her warmth.
“Takina…”
I stretch my arms around her back nervously. Grabbing her Lycoris uniform, I nest my face into Takina’s chest.
“Ah…”
Alive. I’m alive. I could see Takina. I could touch Takina.
“Ahhhh… Ahhhhhhhhhh…”
I survived. It was worth not dying.
“AHHHHHHHHHH!!”
I don’t want to leave her; I want to carve the feeling of Takina into my body; I continue embracing her.
At some point, I began crying out loud. This is a first for me.
For myself, who could finally live, at this moment, I felt like I had been reborn thanks to Takina.
This was the first cry of my newborn life.