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Carina unlocked the door and walked into her silent apartment.
It was just as they’d left it that morning. Just as they’d left it as Maya distractedly ushered Carina downstairs, obviously uncomfortable with Carina’s large bag full of everything they’d need for their insemination.
Carina looked down at the welcome mat and stared at Maya’s running shoes.
Ten minutes later, she booked a flight to Italy.
Twenty minutes after that, she was in an Uber on the way to the airport.
The note she’d left on the table had been short, but clear. She didn’t want Maya to get the wrong idea. Though she knew her wife would not react well.
I am not leaving. We are not over, my love.
I just need some time.
Ti amo,
Carina
As she sat in the departure lounge, Carina scrolled through her contacts list, struggling to know what best to do.
She exhaled sharply as she eyed Andy’s name. But then they called her flight and there was no more time to think.
Carina: Check on her
~*~
Gabriella picked her up at the airport in a rental car, full of questions until she saw Carina’s face.
Until she saw the damage.
Carina had been flying for hours, and a stopover in Rome would have made sense, but she wanted to keep going. She wanted to go to nonna’s house. Nonna who was no longer there.
She didn’t want to stay in a hotel, she didn’t want to stay at Gabriella’s swanky penthouse in Rome either. When she’d told Gabriella she was flying into Palermo, her friend had scoffed. And then agreed to join her, likely sensing Carina’s sadness. Her anger.
Likely sensing how lost she was.
Carina just wanted to go home, though the irony was that home was all the way across the ocean. The ocean she’d just crossed.
A quick call to her cousin to arrange the keys led to a long drive from the airport, until they pulled up to the modest two-story villa her uncles kept as a vacation home. Carina expected nonna to appear in the doorway, to open her arms, to call her piccolina, as if Carina was still a child, as if she was still that little girl whose father yelled and whose mother cried, that little girl who would run to nonna and find nothing but warmth and love.
The house was empty. Carina didn’t pause to help Gabriella with her bags, she took the stairs two at a time and set her suitcase down in her old bedroom. She didn’t go into nonna’s bedroom even though it was the biggest one in the house with the best view of the sea.
Carina felt herself moving quickly, as if she was trying to out run the reality of her situation. If she paused, Gabriella would start asking questions. If she paused, she’d start imagining Maya walking into their apartment, alone.
So she didn’t pause. She opened her bag and found her bathing suit stuffed into a corner underneath a few pairs of jeans.
The walk from the house to the beach was three minutes. She left behind a towel. She left behind her sandals.
Barefoot she brushed by a confused Gabriella, out into the small back yard, and then down the familiar set of stairs onto the sand.
It was a weekday, and the beach was mostly empty. Which is why no one noticed her determined march towards the water.
She walked into the sea, the sun-warmed waves soothing in a way she’d almost forgotten. When the water reached her chest, she allowed herself to float, lying on her back, staring up at a cloudless blue sky.
Her lips tasted like salt, though whether it was the ocean or her tears, she could not say.
~*~
The first week passed in silence.
Her phone sat untouched on her dresser. She couldn’t bear to look at it, but each day she checked her messages. And each day she felt the relief and the despair that came with Maya’s silence.
The second week was different because she hadn’t planned on being away for more than a week. She hadn’t planned anything. Carina had booked a one-way ticket, but she didn’t know herself when to return. Or if she wanted to return.
The note she’d left for Maya hadn’t been a lie. They were not over. Carina just couldn’t quite bring herself to move past her anger.
She felt betrayed by Maya’s omission.
She remembered each and every volatile mood, she remembered each and every sharp inhale as Maya visibly forced herself to refocus on them. She remembered the increasing distance between them as the pregnancy tests came back negative.
She felt humiliated that Beckett knew and threw it in her face.
But she also felt so much grief.
Because her wife was in pain. The woman she loved was in pain and she’d not trusted Carina enough to share it.
What did that say about them? Their marriage?
How could she bring a baby into…that?
~*~
The first text from Andy pulled Carina from a deep sleep.
Andy: Did you know about the blackmail?
Carina sat up in bed, the sound of the waves outside the only disruption in the otherwise silent house.
Carina: Only for a few weeks
Three dots appeared. And then disappeared.
Carina: Is everything okay?
It was a stupid question, but Carina was tired and it was the middle of the night and the bed felt so cold.
Andy: I don’t know
The messages stopped and Carina lay back, staring up at the ceiling. When she closed her eyes, she let herself imagine that Maya was beside her. She let herself imagine that Maya’s arms were around her.
She let herself imagine Maya.
~*~
Carina knew she was pregnant before the test results came back.
She’d been surprised when her phone pinged while she was in the middle of lunch with Gabriella. It was the app she used to track ovulation. It kept track of her period too. Her period that was late. Her period that never arrived.
There were other signs. Small things. Her breasts were tender, her energy low.
When she read the test results, her eyes flickered over the familiar readout. The readout she’d used thousands of times for her patients. But now it belonged to her.
Definitely pregnant.
She couldn’t keep it from Gabriella because Gabriella had pulled in some favours with the local hospital to allow her to run the blood test in the first place. And Gabriella was very obviously having a difficult time reading Carina’s emotions, vacillating between happy hugs and awkward, drawn out staring matches that resulted in Gabriella sighing and shaking her head..
Because Carina didn’t know what she was feeling either. She’d fantasized about the moment so many times.
Always in their bathroom. A test balancing on the counter as Maya paced nervously back and forth and Carina sat perched on the toilet, each minute a small agony.
She didn’t imagine standing alone in her old childhood bedroom, a brown envelop in her hand, thousands of miles away from her wife.
The full-length mirror in nonna’s room was covered in dust, so Carina cleaned it with a rag she found under the sink. When she was finished, she stood back and looked at herself. Her face was gaunt. Her hair thick from the humidity.
Carina raised her shirt, staring at her still flat stomach until finally she dragged her fingertip from hip to hip and whispered, “ciao, piccolina.”
~*~
The bar was loud and full of smiling people, relieved that another work week was over.
Carina sipped seltzer water, allowing herself the pleasure of Gabriella’s company. When a man asked her to dance, she eagerly accepted, taking his hand with a laugh.
He eyed her with open admiration and it felt good. His hands brushed her hips and spun her around and she found herself intoxicated by the attention.
There was nothing to distract him. She was the distraction.
Carina felt drunk despite the fact that she’d had no alcohol.
It was only when he tried to kiss her that Carina stepped back, her hands shaking.
He was respectful about it, immediately leaning away, apologizing, but he had nothing to apologize for.
It would have been so easy. It would have been the easiest thing in the world.
Which is part of why Carina’s heart ached so badly. She wanted Maya. She didn’t want some strange man in a bar in Palermo. She wanted Maya.
Maya who had tearfully promised her forever on their wedding day.
Maya who’d stopped kissing her in the mornings when she came home from a long shift.
Carina took a taxi back to nonna’s house and shut herself away in her bedroom. She checked her phone, noting the time in Seattle, and took a chance.
Maya picked up on the fourth ring.
“Hello?” Her voice sounded hollow, withdrawn.
“Ciao, Bambina.”
Carina could hear Maya breathing on the other end of the line.
“Maya?” Carina began, her fingers shaking again, “Maya I’m pregnant.”
There was more silence on the other end and Carina’s eyes welled with tears.
“Oh,” Maya finally said, the tremor in her voice enough to force a small sob from Carina’s throat.
“Maya…”
“I have to go.”
Carina set down her phone and placed her palm against her stomach.
Heartbroken that this was the narrative.
That this was their narrative.
~*~
Three days later, a text from Andy pulled Carina from sleep again.
Andy: Have you heard from Maya?
Five words.
Five words that forced Carina from her bed and into a nightmare.
~*~
Maya read the note twice before setting it back on the table.
She didn’t believe a word of it. Carina had very obviously left, even though so many of her things were still scattered around the apartment. But she was gone, and so was her purse and her passport.
The situation left Maya feeling oddly vindicated.
Of course, Carina was gone. Of course, I lost her too…
She’d been waiting for this moment since their first kiss. The moment her icy heart would burn Carina so badly that she’d be forced away.
Maya left the note on the table amongst a pile of medical journals. She shoved it aside when he made dinner. She spilled ginger ale on it the next day. And all the while she repeated the mantra, of course, of course, of course.
~*~
Andy spent a week looking at her strangely.
Maya first noticed when they ended up in the gym together. Instead of focusing on the punching bag, Andy was focused on Maya who had been on the treadmill for over an hour, the elevation and pace more than anyone else at Station 19 could handle. But she could handle it. She could handle it and so much more.
“What?” She finally barked, out of breath.
Andy had the decency to look sheepish.
“Are you…” Andy began, but trailed off.
Maya paused the treadmill.
“Carina left,” she said defiantly.
She could immediately tell by Andy’s face that she already knew. That she’d known for a while.
“She asked me to check on you,” Andy confessed.
The idea made Maya angry. She wasn’t a child. She wasn’t weak.
“I’m fine,” came the reply.
Andy sighed and shook her head. “Bishop…”
“Always knew it would happen,” Maya said, hitting the start button the treadmill again, “just a matter of time.”
~*~
“Please tell me what I heard isn’t true.”
Andy marched into the boardroom where Maya was sorting files for the clinic and Maya paused, dreading what came next..
“Depends on what you heard,” Maya said, uncomfortable.
“You blackmailed the chief?”
Andy looked so shocked that Maya lowered her gaze unable to stand the eye contact.
“I just wanted my job back,” she said, shrugging uncomfortably.
“What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that I was sick of the sexism. I was sick of being punished for my ambition. I was sick of Sullivan always winning!”
She could hear the tone. She could hear Lane leeching his way into her vocal patterns.
“Sullivan? What does Sullivan have to do with this?” Andy asked, and Maya realized that Andy had only heard half of the story.
“He and Ross are sleeping together. Or were, I don’t know if they still are, but…”
Andy’s eyebrows shot up. She rubbed her forehead with one hand, her annoyance bubbling over.
“You’re unbelievable, do you know that?” She asked, pointing at Maya.
“Me? I didn’t do anything wrong, Andy.”
“You put this whole house at risk. Did you think about the repercussions for one second?”
Maya could feel herself grinding her teeth.
“Don’t worry, I’m the only one who’s faced any repercussions,” Maya growled, “your precious house is safe and sound.”
“Is this why Carina left?”
Left
Maya set down the files in her hand, her rage and her sorrow bubbling up inside.
“You know what Andy? Go fuck yourself.”
She didn’t wait for Andy’s response as she stormed out of the room.
~*~
She watched them all keep their distance. One by one they stopped talking to her unless they were on a call.
They were polite, but Maya found herself surrounded by silence. At the station. At home.
She knew she could text Carina, but she that would be giving in somehow. It had been weeks without a word and Maya wasn’t about to cave.
Beckett had her cleaning toilets and the engine. He had her mopping the barn and staying late to finish the laundry. If any of the others noticed, they didn’t say a word.
When Jack returned to the station, they welcomed him with open arms. He had been gone for six months and spent the entire time lying about where he was, but no one cared. As long as he was back.
She avoided him as much as possible until he cornered her in the lounge one afternoon, his face twitching at the sight of her.
“Hey, uh…where’s Carina? I kinda want to apologize.”
Maya didn’t answer.
“Okay, I get that this was all inconvenient for you, but it’s better for all of us in the long run,” Jack said, becoming defensive.
“You broke her heart,” Maya said, never taking her eyes off the magazine in her hand.
“What?”
“You broke her heart. She had this idea of a family and then you were gone and…you broke her heart, Jack.”
Before he could say another word, she stood up, the sight of him enough to make her want to scream.
“Don’t worry,” she said as she walked out the door, “I did too.”
~*~
Beckett’s saliva landed on her boot.
Maya looked down, incredulous, her fury mounting with each passing second.
“Better shine those up, Bishop,” Beckett said.
He spit again, this time leaving half-eaten tic-tac’s on the cement floor.
She wondered if anyone else noticed. They were all present. They were all within hearing range. But no one told him to stop. No one said a word because they all thought she deserved this treatment.
“Yes, captain,” she said, tightening her grip on the mop in her hand.
“Hey, haven’t seen Italy around here for a while, where are you hiding her?”
Maya dropped the mop.
“What did you just call her?” She looked up into Beckett’s face, his grinning stupid face.
“Would you prefer something else? Fettuccini? Oh, I’ve got it, Mussolini?”
Maya’s first punch broke his nose. Before she could throw her second one, Ross appeared.
And that’s how Maya found herself suspended indefinitely.
She silently walked to her locker and packed her bag. When she left the station, she did so with her head held high.
The apartment was silent as it always was. Laundry lay scattered on the bedroom floor and there were dishes in the sink. She couldn’t remember not doing them, but it didn’t really matter anymore.
The bed was unmade, the sheets tangled, but again, Maya didn’t care. She just felt tired.
So tired that when Carina called later that night, she almost missed the first three rings. She picked up on the fourth, too tired to fully think through her actions.
“Hello,” she said, her chest feeling heavy.
“Ciao, Bambina.”
Carina’s voice almost broke her. It had been weeks and she’d convinced herself that she didn’t need to hear it. She’d convinced herself that she didn’t need that lilting, sing-song voice.
Her throat closed with tears.
“Maya?”
There was a pause. Maya still couldn’t bring herself to speak.
“Maya I’m pregnant.”
Maya had imagined the moment so many times. She had imagined taking Carina in her arms and spinning her around. She’d imagined pressing soft kisses to Carina’s stomach, a first greeting for their…
Was it still their?
The idea that it wasn’t shattered whatever was left of Maya’s resolve.
“Oh,” she managed, her heart breaking.
“Maya…”
“I have to go.”
She didn’t want to cry. She didn’t want to ask the question she needed to ask because the answer would be her undoing.
Is it still…our baby? Is it mine too?
So she hung up the phone, and crawled into bed, and let her mind drift to the clouds.
~*~
Maya didn’t get out of bed the next morning.
Her world felt heavy. Her arms and legs weighted. She breathed in and out, though each breath was an effort because what was the point?
All she knew was that she’d lost everything.
She’d lost her job. Her friends. She’d lost her wife.
And she’d lost her child. The child she’d come to so desperately want.
Losing her job and her friends had pushed her to the brink of insanity.
But losing Carina…
She’d seen her life in the wrong order. She thought the job was at the top, that if the job was good, everything else would be good too.
“Idiot,” she mumbled, pulling the sheets up and over her head.
She’d taken Carina for granted.
Maya felt like she didn’t deserve the air in her lungs.
Being awake felt painful. Being conscious felt painful.
And it was only when Maya started thinking about the medicine cabinet in the bathroom that she found some relief.
She closed her eyes and imagined each bottle on the shelf. Tylenol. Ibuprofen.
She imagined taking them all. She imagined closing her eyes and drifting away and then she’d be gone, and she wouldn’t need to breathe anymore.
The thought was so comforting that she immediately fell asleep.
When she woke up again, she thought about water.
She thought about walking into a lake and letting the water consume her until she stood completely under the surface.
It felt like a warm hug.
Sometimes she got out of bed to pee, but mostly she stayed curled into a ball, the lights off, the blinds shuttered.
She didn’t like the thought of knives. She didn’t like the pain that would come along with it. So she mostly thought about pills. And clouds. Floating headfirst, falling into nothingness. Disappearing. Ether.
It wasn’t that she actively planned to do anything. But knowing there were options, that there was an exit, that she could be free if she wanted to was enough to lull her into dreamless, endless naps.
She ignored her phone. She let it die.
She felt jealous it could go that easily.
~*~
“Bishop?”
Someone was knocking on the front door, but Maya stayed under the quilt, unsure why she should move at all.
The knocking became louder and then there were voices and footsteps, but Maya’s back was to the door. And her eyes were closed.
She imagined clouds, falling headfirst, down and down and down…
“Jesus Christ, Maya…”
Andy touched her shoulder and Maya flinched.
“Go away,” Maya said, her voice barely a whisper from disuse.
“Okay, get up, come on,” Andy’s grip tightened.
Maya was vaguely aware of Vic circling the bed. She had no idea why they had come. They didn’t care. No one did.
“Go away,” Maya said again, her eyes still closed.
“When’s the last time you ate?” Vic sounded worried, “or…water? Maya have you had any water?”
She thought briefly of the giant water bottle she carried around. Carina always made fun of it.
Carina was gone. And so was her baby.
Andy’s fingers found her neck and Maya flinched again, trying to shake Andy away.
“Fever, chills, she’s probably dehydrated,” Andy was saying somewhere above.
Maya curled herself into a tighter ball, sliding her hand over her face.
“Please, just go,” she begged, too weak to fight, “I’m so tired. Just let me sleep.”
“Hey, Bishop, I think we need to take you to the hospital, okay?” Vic started pulling back the blanket, but Maya used her remaining strength to snatch it back.
“No.”
“Maya,” Andy said her name like she was worried. Maya almost laughed at the idea. Andy worry about her?
“I want to sleep,” Maya said again.
She closed her eyes, and counted pills, and not even Vic and Andy’s combined voices could keep her from slipping away.
~*~
It was as if the second she’d stopped fighting, her body had stopped fighting too.
Maya shivered in bed, unable to move. Not that she wanted to move.
She didn’t know if it was night or day. She didn’t know how much time had passed.
But she did know that she was hallucinating because she could hear Carina’s voice.
There was more sound beyond her bedroom door, heels on hardwood. And then there was a hand in her hair.
Maya pulled away, turning.
“Andy, go away,” she growled, her words slurred.
“It’s not Andy, Bambina.”
Hallucinations were stupid. Maya furrowed her brow, but rolled over one more time, just to prove to herself that she was certifiably nuts.
The mattress dipped as she did. And when she opened her eyes, Carina was there, staring down at her.
Maya blinked, unable to do more than meet Carina’s gaze. Anything else felt too hard.
“What has happened to you, my love?”
Carina had tears streaming down her face. Part of Maya wanted to reach up and wipe them away. But she couldn’t move, her chest felt too heavy.
“You’re here?” Maya managed, her lips dry from days of silence.
Carina nodded, cupping Maya’s cheek.
“Bambina, we need to give you an IV, okay?” Carina’s voice shook as she spoke and all Maya could think was I did this to her.
She allowed Carina to adjust the sheets, to take her arm and lay it on top of the blanket. Andy stepped in a moment later, taking Carina’s place. There was a quick pinch, Maya barely winced, she was too focused on the other people in the room.
The other people who could see her weakness. Who could see her failure. Her face burned. Humiliated.
Carina seemed to read her mind because as soon as Andy was done, the bag of saline hung on a portable IV pole, she asked everyone to wait outside. She asked everyone to go.
Her fingers found Maya’s hair again, brushing it off her forehead, and Maya realized that she hadn’t showered in…
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, talking about her greasy hair. Talking about blackmail and cold shoulders and missing I love you’s.
“We will have lots of sorrys, Maya, but for now we must get you well.”
Maya wasn’t sure what that meant.
“Carina…I can’t move,” she confessed, unable to maintain her stoic façade any longer. Not with Carina.
“Okay.”
“I’m so tired.”
Carina nodded, her bottom lip wobbling, and again, Maya wished she could offer some comfort. But she couldn’t.
“Maya, I need you to be very honest with me, bene?” Carina took Maya’s hand as she spoke. Maya squeezed back weakly.
“Have you thought about hurting yourself?” Carina continued.
Maya didn’t have the energy to lie. Not anymore.
“Yes,” she said.
“Bambina, I think we need to go to the hospital.”
“Please…Carina, I can’t…they’ll all see…they’ll see…”
Beckett would laugh. He’d call her weak. He’d spit on her.
With a heavy sigh Carina nodded, still deep in thought.
“We will call Dr. Lewis and she will decide,” Carina said.
It was an acceptable compromise. Maya nodded once in agreement.
Carina looked around the room, her eyes drifting over piles of clothes and dirty bedsheets. She bit her lip, the pain in her eyes shining through.
With a heavy sigh, Carina looked down at Maya again. She seemed to come to some silent decision and smiled sadly as her thumb brushed Maya’s cheek.
“I’ll be right back,” she said, disappearing from the room. There were voices outside again, apparently Andy and Vic had stayed.
Maya couldn’t figure out way.
When Carina returned, she carried a basin of water and a few towels. Maya watched her roll up her sleeves, she watched those long, graceful fingers soak a cloth in soapy water, and she watched as Carina turned back to her. Determined.
“Can I give you a bath?” Carina asked, perched on the floor.
Maya wanted to say no. She wanted to refuse.
But she hadn’t been touched in so long. Carina hadn’t touched her in so long.
She felt so empty, so alone, so starved for gentleness.
She just wanted Carina to touch her.
“Okay,” she said, still not moving.
Maya managed to push herself up on her elbows as Carina helped strip her t-shirt from her body, mindful of the IV. She was surprised at the sight of herself naked. Surprised to see her hip bones so prominent. Her protruding rib cage.
Carina pressed a hand to her mouth, holding in a sob, her eyes darting away as if she couldn’t bear to witness Maya’s weight loss.
But Carina quickly regrouped, Maya could sense her shoving down her own feelings as she started on Maya’s boxers.
“We will change the sheets later,” Carina explained, “but for now…”
She pressed the warm cloth to Maya’s forehead, wiping her cheeks and her chin. It was the first soothing touch in days. In weeks.
Maya closed her eyes, her tears silent as Carina continued her work, washing Maya’s neck and shoulders.
Carina touched her with such care, with such reverence. Maya knew she should feel exposed, she should feel humiliated that she was dirty, that her wife had to clean her, but she couldn’t.
Because she was so tired. And Carina was home.
Carina washed every inch of her. Her arms, her breasts. Between her legs and her thighs. Her feet. She then had Maya roll onto her side, and Carina scrubbed her back, the curve of her hip.
When she was done, she stripped the quilt from the bed and replaced it with a fresh duvet that she carefully lay on Maya’s body.
“Dr. Lewis will be here soon,” Carina said, sitting next to Maya on the bed.
It was the closest they had been in weeks. Maybe even months and with the only strength Maya had left, she raised her hand, sneaking it beneath the hem of Carina’s shirt. Carina’s skin was so soft against her palm, soft and warm.
She heard Carina inhale sharply. She saw the tears again and knew they were both crying now. She couldn’t seem to stop.
And then she asked the questions she’d wanted to ask since the moment Carina called her about the pregnancy.
“Is it mine?”
Carina furrowed her brow and Maya belatedly realized how strange the question likely sounded.
“Is it still our baby?” Maya managed to say, rephrasing.
This time Carina understood. She released another sob, her hand coming to rest on top of Maya’s.
“Of course, Bambina,” she said, barely able to choke out the words.
“I didn’t know,” Maya whispered, her chest heaving, “I didn’t know if it still was. I didn’t know.”
Carina stretched out next to her on the bed, careful of the IV, and draped her body over Maya’s side. She held Maya to her, her forehead against Maya’s temple. Ignoring the greasy hair and the dirty sheets and the snotty, teary mess that was her wife.
“It’s our baby, Maya, just ours,” Carina promised, “just ours.”
~*~
When Diane Lewis arrived thirty minutes later, she was surprised to find such a crowded apartment.
Andy and Vic stood anxiously in the kitchen, their eyes wide with shock. They pointed her towards the bedroom and she nodded once in thanks before knocking on the closed door.
Someone called “come in!” and she obeyed, pausing in the doorway at the sight in front of her.
Carina DeLuca leaned against the headboard, her white t-shirt bunched up to just below her breasts. And lying on top of her, wrapped in a blanket, was Maya Bishop, her face pressed to Carina’s stomach as one hand gently stroked the exposed skin.
The room looked like a disaster. The two women on the bed did too.
But underneath it all, Diane could sense their strength and their love.
She could sense their devotion to each other. Their hope for their future.
And she made a silent vow that she would get Maya Bishop back on her feet come hell or high water.
“Ready?” She asked, setting down her bag.
Maya turned, just enough to make eye contact.
“Yes,” she said without hesitation.
Her voice steady.
Her eyes clear.
Her determination unwavering.