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"What was the dream about Anakin?"
She lays her hand on my shoulder rubbing it up and down my arm in slow, gentle strokes leaning her cheek into my back as I face the wall. I'm trying to erase the sting of the dream; steady my breathing. I lean into her slightly, to remember that she's here with me. That the dream wasn't real. I wipe the sweat from my face, and finally turn to meet her sleep soft eyes.
"It's hard to describe."
She gently pulls my shoulder back, forcing me to fully face her.
"Try for me."
I take a short breath. Its not something I want to remember but the dreams have been getting worse. Intense and vivid.
I don't know how to begin describing them. The fear that in brings to my sleep. How my fingers will twitch for hours afterward. How I'm scared to close my eyes–to blink–and find that this moment, laying in bed with her, was the actual dream. I've lost count of how many nights I've layed awake staring at her silhouette until the sun makes its way into our small room, sickened by the images. How little I've actually been sleeping.
I know she's noticed the circles under my eyes and I don't want to worry her, but I must tell someone. So I reposition myself on the bed and describe it as it came to me.
"It starts with your face."
"Mine?" she asks.
"Yes," I say. "You're looking at me. You are as beautiful as ever—but youre in pain..."
She squeezes my arm. I put my hand on top of hers and try to squeeze back.
"You're giving birth to our child."
The edges of her mouth tilt up into a tentative smile. Then her grasp loosens, slowly her smile fades.
"Why does this upset you so much?"
"Because, when you look at me...there's something in your eyes. Your looking at me, but it's different. It's like you don't recognize me. Like I'm not actually there. Like you can't see me. So I grab your hand and I tell you I'm here. That I love you."
"I wipe the sweaty hair from your face."
She grimaces as I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, but knows I'm teasing and squeezes my arm once more, quick and reassuring. I continue.
"But there's something wrong," I take a deep breath. "I try and tell you it's going to be okay. That you're going to make it through this. That our baby is going to be healthiest, most beautiful child this galaxy will have ever seen."
She smiles and I try to return it, but it's halfhearted at best. I can feel the lump in my throat forming.
"But it's as if you can't hear me. Or—you're not listening. Your stare is a thousand meters off. It won't meet mine no matter what I do."
She looks at me confused.
"Then, suddenly," I look down at my hands, "you scream." I swallow past the lump in my throat. "And it's the worst sound I've ever heard. The baby is coming and your face is contorting—in a way I've never seen. Your eyes are filled with tears and as hard as you squeeze my hand I squeeze yours trying to remind you of my presence. That I'm here I love you and I will protect you from anything that will harm you. That you will make it through this. That this will be over soon."
I pause not meeting her eyes.
"Ani?"
It's barely a whisper when I speak again. I don't want to say what happens next. For fear that saying the words aloud will bring them into existence.
"Something is wrong. There's a droid taking your vitals. It gives a confused beep before racing off. Another droid comes to me and says that you're dying. But no one can tell me what happening. Why this is happening." The words have begun to tumble out. One after the next. "I squeeze your hand and try to get you to look at me. To see me. To see that light in your eyes that is purely you. I shake your hand trying to get some kind of reaction. Something. Anything. But you won't. And I am so scared. So very scared and I say the only thing I can. That everything will be okay." My hands are trembling once again. She puts her hands on top of mine trying to hold them still. "I find myself repeating the words even though I don't know if I believe them. But I have to. I can't stop saying them even if I tried. 'Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything is going to be okay.'"
I've grown too loud for the quiet room. But I must speak this into existence. That she will be okay; that she will live.
"It's not working. Nothing the droids or I do is working."
I finally turn back to look at her. She can see how wet my eyes have grown, as I fail to try to hold back the tears. I don't want to think of a life without her. Not even in dreams. I look her in the eyes. There is no remaining sleep clinging to her. She's awake alert. Worried. This is why I didn't want to share.
"Ani-"
I interrupt because I don't want to hear her rationalize. I know it's just a dream but ever since my mother... ever since...
I must finish the tale I've started or I worry that it won't be the last the dreams plague me tonight. Maybe if I tell someone–if I complete the story it won't come true. If we know–if we acknowledge it, it will simply be a nightmare instead of a omen.
"Then...You finally look at me. You smile. And I am so very confused. Because before this moment, the only thing you've done is wail. In this strange mix of grief and pain the hurts me to my very core—but then you smile. You smile at me and you look directly into my eyes. And you say that there is good in him. I try to ask what you mean. In who? But you don't answer. I don't know what it is that you're talking about. But you've stopped squeezing my hand. It's just a limp weight in my own.
"I shake it, just barely. Asking again. And you simply repeat yourself. This line I can't make sense of. You're barely louder than a breathe and you say 'that there is good in him.' That you see it or sense it or–or something! I never find out what you're trying to tell me. Before you've even finished the last word your head relaxes against the pillow and your eyes close."
I squeeze her hand hard and she squeezes back with vigor. The tears finally break their way free. It's gone from a sprinkle to a downpour in an instant. I feel them flow down my face but make no move to wipe them away.
"I'm still holding your hand when the medidroid rushes over. They try to force me from the room but I'm the most lost I've ever felt. I see them there, trying to push me away from you but feel nothing. I touch your face and you're still warm but the medidroids and the long, lone tone that rings through the room are too much. And I wake up."
She looks at me. A tear falls down her cheek. I move to wipe it away and she cups my hand against her face. Holds it there before pressing a kiss to my palm.
"I'm here," she says. "I'm here Anakin."
So I pull her close. As close as I can and I hold her. I hear a lone sniffle as she buries herself into the crook of my neck.
"We're going to be okay," she says.
"And I have utmost faith in you Padmé. But I fear that not even faith is enough."
She pulls back, searching my face.
"Then hear me, Ani," she grabs my face and makes me meet her eyes. "Screw it," she says. I smile, small and meek. That's my girl. "Faith. Fate. The force. Whatever we need to. Because I am not leaving you. And you will not be losing me. Today, tomorrow, or next week." The tears have slowed and the nightmare feels farther and farther away as she continues, deadly serious. "I will do everything in my power to stay here. For me, you, and our child I will fight anything and everything that gets in our way. I will be with you."
"I–"
"And do not take light of this. This is a threat. To you and everything else out there that tries to break us apart. I dare them to try. Because I will not leave your side. In life or death, Anakin. I will be with you, as you are with me. Always. You cannot get rid of me so easily."
I can't fight the smile that's overtaken my face any longer.
"I would never have thought otherwise."
She huffs out a laugh and I bring her close and lay my forehead atop hers. It's a long way til morning. But I am no longer alone.