Work Text:
As I open my eyes, I see the sunlight filtering through the curtains. The light is soft and warm. It makes me want to be lazy. Plus, it’s Sunday, so I have nothing to do. No friends to talk to, no homework to do, no family event to attend. I’m free. I’m completely free. But sometimes, freedom can feel lonely.
I turn around and seize a cushion with my hands and hold it closely on my torso. I don’t want to think about negative things. But at the same time, I’m in a kind of weird mood today. Some days, I wake up like this and the day is going to be gloomy. I don’t know why. Maybe I should ask my dad. He’s a doctor. But at the same time, I’m too afraid to ask him. I’m well and my life is good. I don’t have to go and see a doctor.
I have finally what I yearned for. I have freedom from expectations, freedom from the magical world, freedom my past life. I’m nobody’s girlfriend, nobody’s trophy, nobody’s damsel in distress. I’m free from love and all its complications.
Love used to weight me down. It was like a chain around my neck. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t focus on my studies, I couldn’t be myself. I had to be someone else, I had to play the girlfriend. I tried to escape this role by falling for Baz. I thought Baz would grant me freedom. Because he had no quest. He wasn’t searching for something like Simon was.
Simon was looking for comfort after battles. He was looking for a reason to survive. He was looking for a family. He was looking for something I couldn’t give to him. but I tried. Damn, I tried so hard to fit in this box, this golden cage. I played my part so well for years, then, suddenly, I would look myself in the mirror and I was looking at a stranger.
It was weird, all these years. I wasn’t myself. Who is Agatha ? That’s a question I couldn’t find the answer to. I’m not sure I will find it one day. But I know that Agatha is no object. Agatha is no trophy you can exhibit. This makes me sick in the stomach. So one day, I threw my pearl necklaces on the ground and I snap my wand and went to America.
I felt like a pilgrim. I too was looking for liberty, freedom to be myself. Except I didn’t knew who I was. I had to go on the quest. I’m still searching. But I found some things.
Agatha likes colourful shirts, flared trousers and Converse high. Agatha likes piercings, tattoo but dislikes body modifications. Agatha likes boys and girls and non-binary people. Agatha likes coffee, avocado and sunlight. Agatha likes taking pictures, doing her nails and animals.
I feel like Agatha is too big to be understood. Agatha is bigger than I. Agatha is bigger than the whole world really. I try to understand her. But I will never try to put her in boxes again. That belongs to my past life. I don’t want any label. There’s nothing that can describe Agatha. No a single word, not a single picture.
That’s something I discover when I went to America. I arrived at the airport, tired, yearning for a smoothie, and completely lost. Now, I’m rested and at peace. I wouldn’t say that I’m happy. But I’m no longer battling and struggling like I used to. It was a constant struggle to be Simon’s girlfriend. I had to silence the voice that was screaming inside of me every time I put on my pearl necklaces and earrings. Now, I don’t wear necklaces anymore. I’m nobody’s dog, I don’t have to wear a leash.
I’m free and all by myself. I like the quietness and the carelessness of it. I don’t have to care about anybody’s opinion or remarks. I used to have some when one-night stands would stay for sleeping and I had to face them the morning after. I prefer the ones that quietly go away in the night. I’ve paid tons of Uber to people who wanted to stay because they were too lazy to go home.
One-night stands were parts of my quest called “finding myself”. I’ve learnt a lot from them. I’ve learnt about desire, bodies, kinks, and so many other stuff. At first, I was shy and uncomfortable. I had downloaded Tinder but felt really uneasy about it. I used to go on dates because that’s a thing people do. Not because I wanted to. It took me a few months to understand what I deeply wanted. I don’t care about dates, knowing your parents, and all that kind of stuff. I want a connection. The kind of connection that happens when you’re on the dancefloor and you make eye-contact and boom. Now, there’s only the two of you in the whole world, you dance, you kiss and sometimes more. I like these kinds of silences. When there’s only the two of us, kissing, breathing, moaning and nobody say an intelligible word.
I’ve also discover that my desire had no boundaries. I used to think about myself as a straight girl. But I’m more than that. I want more than that. Men are fine, but I also want girls and non-binary people. I remember the first girl that I kissed. It was in a party hosted by a gay friend. He had invited all kind of queer people, and that was my first queer party. It was truly liberating. I felt like I had just learned to breath. There was this girl, dark hair, pretty eyes, and full lips. She was looking at me like she was going to eat me alive. And I loved that. So, while she was dancing, and throwing glances my way, I exited to the bathroom. Bingo, she followed me, and asked me if she could kiss me. I didn’t said yes
because I was expected to say yes. I said yes because all I had in mind were those full lips, and tattooed fingers and thick thighs. I was burning with desire.
In a way, I think I’ve destroyed a lot of assumptions boxes I had put myself into. The straight girl, the pretty girl, the okay student because if she’s pretty she can’t have a big brain. I could play the leading role in Legally Blonde. I took a hammer and smashed all the walls around me. Now, without these walls, it can be a little bit frightening. Because there’s no landmark. You can get lost really easily. And I’m some times lost. But I always have this voice guiding me. “Be free” she said. So, I follow her lead.
She makes me feel less alone. That’s why I go out at night and get home with a stranger. Because I feel alone. And because I want to have fun. But, regarding people, I have a pretty low tolerance. I want to be with people and I want to be alone at the same time. I don’t want them to speak. There’s nothing more stupid than someone opening their mouth. The only time I speak is when I order a latte at Starbucks. My ideal company would be someone like me. Someone who understands the beauty of silence. I thought about getting a pet but my landlord don’t allow them. I have a few bugs if that counts.
I love animals. They’re the sweetest. Cows are some of my favourites. They have big eyes, pretty lashes, and you can see the whole world in them. Besides, they’re really relaxing. There is nothing more relaxing than being with a cow in a field and sleeping while she’s eating grass. Maybe I should be a farmer. But I don’t want to exploit animals. I’m a vegan for a reason. I would be a terrible farmer. I mean, my animals would love it, but capitalism would hate it.
Sometimes, I dream of a life like this. Just me and some animals, somewhere in a field spending a slow afternoon. It would be heaven on earth. Maybe I should go for it and open a GoFundMe for me and my lovely animals. But I don’t have any animals to start with. Sure, there are tons of animals suffering that I could rescue.
On Tumblr, I follow at lot of cottagecore accounts. I don’t like their style, but I love their way of life. Waking up with the sun, drinking tea with my chickens and cats, checking up on my goats and cows, and watching starry nights with my dogs. Maybe I should go and live in the country ?
It’s not that I hate the city. I love it, the museums, theatres, bars … But I sometimes wish for a quieter and more peaceful life. After all the trauma that I lived through, all I want to do is sleeping in a field without a dragon or a goblin attacking me. Because it was traumatizing to live with Simon. I was under a lot of stress very young. And it didn’t helped that the world was crumbling around me, with all the holes made by the Humdrum.
I had to go to therapy because of post-traumatic stress disorder. When I arrived in America, I was in a really bad place. I cried a lot, had panic attacks sometimes multiples panic attacks in a day. I wouldn’t go out, because I feared that I could have a panic attack in the streets. So I stayed in my bed, and sometimes, went on a date. But I had a wake up call. I didn’t came to America to be miserable. I came to America to be free. And being free means also being free from the past wounds.
It took me a year to go outside of my apartment, and a year and half to stop crying and panicking. I understood that I could not erase the past but be at peace with it. And now, I spend lazy mornings, peacefully in my bed.
This bed is really comfortable. I like it. It’s a queen size (for the queen that I am) and I can spread my arms and legs and never be disturbed. If I could have cats and dogs; they could sleep with me. This bed has seen it all, from my first panic attack and my first one-night stand to the last (the last one was yesterday, a very pretty girl with almond shaped eyes). And now, it sees me as my true self, dreaming about a life in the country with my pets and spending a lazy morning.
I think I’m going to make some tea.