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"I loved you."
They were words that she had once greatly anticipated hearing from Kaidan, when they finally got some shore leave some day after they eventually took down Saren. Words she looked forward to saying to him, herself.
But that shore leave had never happened, she'd never been able to fully express how much she cared for him. On a ship like the Normandy, she couldn't just go around gushing about how great he was or kissing him in the middle of the mess hall. No, their relationship had been quiet, kept behind closed doors as much as possible. Sure, people had had their suspicions, but they had managed to keep the integrity of the crew intact while still finding time to be together.
All those months together, and they'd never gotten the courage to express their love in words that weren't whispered in secret or gasped in the heat of a passionate moment. And then she was gone.
And then he was there, standing in front of her on Horizon, anger and heartbreak in his eyes as he stared her down.
"I loved you."
Somehow, the words were not at all as thrilling as she'd expected. Maybe it was the way his hands twitched slightly towards her before he pulled them back quickly, clenching them into fists. Maybe it was the way his brow was pulled in tight, an expression of anger that she had rarely seen on his handsome, youthful face.
Or maybe - and this was the most likely option - it was the way that he said it in the past tense. . . As though that were no longer the case.
Somehow, it had only managed to ignite an unfamiliar fury inside of her. Not necessarily at Kaidan - he had every right to question her, to launch accusations and questions at her like missiles. There wasn't much she could say to defend herself to him - 'I was dead' didn't seem to be a very good answer, but what else was there to tell? In her mind, she'd been away from Kaidan for weeks, maybe a month at most. But to him, two years had passed since their last words to each other, as the SR-1 disintegrated around them.
No, she was enraged at the unfairness of it all. How terrible things always seemed to happen when she was least prepared to deal with him.
She had just showed up on Horizon, muttered something about how good it was to see him. (Seriously, why couldn't she think of something better to say? Eloquence had never been a strong point of hers, a fact that had quickly ruined any chance of this encounter ending well.)
As Posey Shepard sat at the end of a too-large bed in a too-large captain's cabin on a ship pretending to be the Normandy, she put her head in her hands, muttering out loud to no one but the three yellow fish in the too-extravagant tank on the wall.
"I should've tried harder."
It was the truth, she knew it. Her attempts at getting Kaidan to come back to the Normandy, even if for a short time, were meager at best. Why hadn't she fought his accusations, or even taken the time to really explain the situation to him?
Why couldn't she persuade the rage in her heart to quiet, even for just a moment?
It had been a week since Horizon, and in that time she hadn't made a single one of her regular rounds. She didn't want to hear their comments, answer their questions about encountering Kaidan again. Some of them wouldn't care - bitchy Lawson, dull Taylor, quick-talking Mordin. And God-forbid if that Yeoman Chambers tried to coax her into talking through her damn feelings to a total stranger. If only Tali were here, she thought to herself as she stood up, beginning to pace. She'd sent a couple of messages relaying what had happened, but there had been no answer. Shepard had begun to think that Cerberus had somehow intercepted or deleted the messages one way or another, probably some bullshit about 'classified information'.
Tali, young as she may be, would have known just what to say. She would've been able to talk through it, and she knew Posey well enough to understand her frustrations without having to exactly put them into words.
But Tali, like so many of her old friends, now had a life of her own. She'd moved on from the Normandy, from Shepard, in the two years that had transpired while Shepard lay face-up on a cold metal table, with no thoughts or feelings to speak of.
The only other member of her former crew who had rejoined, besides Joker (who was all of a sudden acting rather unbearable in the presence of the AI) was Garrus, and he'd been there with her on Horizon. He already knew the gist of what had occurred, had seen the way her fists had clenched tight the whole way back in the shuttle, fingernails biting into her palm hard enough to draw blood. But even though she needed someone to talk to, Garrus wasn't exactly the one to turn to for relationship advice. You need something repaired? Sure. Calibrated? Great. Romantic advice? Absolutely not.
That was not something she felt would be good to bring up, especially with Garrus in his present state of mind. Ever since they had picked him up from Omega, he had paced back and forth in the battery and trained his mind on endless tasks, always having something to do. Apart from greeting him, welcoming him to the SR-2 and expressing how glad she was to see a familiar face, they hadn't talked much. He was always busy, and she had never wanted to disturb his work. According to his dossier, the last two years had been hard on him. Pushing her own burdens off on his shoulders would do nothing to help that.
Shepard pressed her forehead against the cool blue glass of the fish tank, closing her eyes. Things had been constantly going pear-shaped since the attack on the Normandy, and all she wanted was a few answers. But every day, it seemed that all she got were more and more questions. Where were the missing colonists? Why were the Collectors involved? Where the hell were all of her friends, the ones that Cerberus hadn't yet tracked down?
All of a sudden, the anger that she hadn't been able to quiet swelled up inside her, and her fist slammed against the glass of the tank. The fish swam away quickly, fleeing to the far corners of the tank. Shepard groaned as the weird blue orb that represented the ship's new AI - don't even get her started on how angry that made her - popped up from its little pedestal next to her armor station.
"What is it, EDI," she muttered, returning to her former position with her head against the glass. The AI's voice was smooth and calm, but still grated on Shepard's every last nerves as she said,
"Commander Shepard, there is a visitor at the door of your cabin." That got Posey's attention, and she snapped a glare towards the door. If Lawson was about to swagger in here again with that ridiculous catsuit on, Shepard had half a mind to just hide in the closet until the operative got the hint to leave her alone.
"Who is it?"
"Crew Member Garrus Vakarian, Commander." What the hell?
"What does he want, EDI?"
"I do not have that information. He only says that it is important."
Rolling her eyes with all her might, not caring that the gesture was lost on a synthetic intelligence, she scowled at the blue orb. "Fine, let him in." Immediately, there was a swish as the cabin door opened, and the sound of heavy boots filled the silence. Shepard turned to face Garrus, crossing her arms and leaning back against the fish tank.
"What did you need, Garrus? You could've just pinged me to come down to your workstation." Her voice came out more pinched and bitter than she intended, but she let the words hang in the air as they were.
"I, uh. . ." His eyes went wide, apparently not having thought very far ahead about what he would say to her once he got up here. The massive turian stretched to scratch nervously at the back of his neck, avoiding her gaze. "I thought you might want to. . . . You know, talk with someone. About Horizon."
Thankfully, she just managed to stop herself from dropping her jaw to the floor in surprise. Garrus was a good friend, that much was true, but she had not at all expected him, of all people, to show up to her cabin door asking how she was feeling.
She cleared her throat, looking back down towards the floor. "Um. . . Yeah. It was rough. This Collector shit has really thrown us all for a loop."
The thud of heavy metal footsteps grew closer, as Garrus came down the steps towards her. He still maintained a respectable distance, but she could recognize the concern in the downward slant of his mandibles. "I know that the Collectors are a big deal, Shepard," he said quietly, staring over her shoulder at the fish. "But I also know that you and Alenko had something going. You've been awful quiet since all of that."
So he had noticed. She shrugged nonchalantly, but the way her fists clenched instantly gave her away. There was no point in skirting around it - Garrus had hit the nail on the head, and perhaps it would be worth whatever awkwardness may arise in the conversation if only to get all of this off of her chest.
She let out a big sigh, nodding gently. "Yeah, that was. . . Shit, I don’t even know what I think about it anymore." Garrus mirrored her nod, folding his arms across his broad chest and following her gaze to the floor.
There was a long, tense silence. Garrus shuffled in his familiar, awkward manner, and then flicked his eyes upwards to her face, waiting until she made eye contact. When she did, he nodded slightly.
"I know it's probably not my place to say this, but. . ." Garrus took a deep, steadying breath before continuing. "Forget about it. For now. Where we are, what we're doing. . . He'll understand, when this is all over. He has to. But right now, you and I both know him well enough to know that he's scared. For the human race, for his family. For you especially, knowing you're with Cerberus. But we don't have the resources to make him see that we're on his side right now. Just. . . Give him some time, I guess. Allow him to process it. He cares about you, Shepard, even I could see that back on Horizon."
Shepard startled a bit at that, blinking rapidly to absorb what he'd said. "You really think that would help? Just ignoring the issue, pretending that everything's fine?" Her voice rose slightly in pitch and volume, and Garrus's hands went up in defense.
"No no no, Shepard, that's not what I meant. Not at all. What I'm trying to say is, things will work out. Maybe if - no, when we've dealt with the Collectors, and figured out all of this mess that's going on, Kaidan will understand what you've gone through. Why you're here, with Cerberus. Focus on our job, and when we succeed he'll have no choice but to believe you."
Posey relaxed a bit, nodding slowly as she pondered over Garrus's words. Finally, she sighed and crossed to sit on the foot of her bed, lowering her head into her hands. "And what if we don't succeed?"
"We will. I have no doubts about that."
The gentle way he spoke these words made her raise her head to look at him. She wasn't great at reading turian facial expressions, but if she wasn't mistaken there was some sort of a smile in the way he looked at her. She returned a small smile of her own and folded her hands together. "Thanks, Garrus."
"No problem, Shepard. And you should know, I'm always available if you need to talk. We don't know a lot of the people on this ship, and it'd be good for you to at least have someone familiar to talk to. About anything, you know."
Shepard nodded. "I'll keep that in mind. And speaking of which, that should go both ways. If you ever want to talk about Omega, I'm here."
Garrus opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it again, frowning. He shook his head gently, and turned towards the door. As the mechanism swished and the door slid open, he turned to look back at her over his shoulder, his blue eyes dark and stormy with thoughts unspoken.
"I'm. . . Honestly, Shepard, I'm not quite ready for that yet. Thanks for the offer, I really do appreciate it, but. . . There's still a lot of things there that I need to figure out, work through. But. . . I'll let you know. And thanks, Shepard. For signing me back on."
"Thanks to you too, Garrus," she said just loud enough for him to hear before the door closed behind him. In the silence that he left behind, Shepard muttered quietly. "Thanks for being the only one who still believes me." Whatever was ahead, it was going to suck. But Garrus was right - they had a job to do, one that took precedence far above any relationship issues she may be having. And as much as she would like to resolve things with Kaidan right now, he was no longer the team's priority. Her priority. And if he wasn't here to comfort her, at least she would now have Garrus to talk to, to ask for advice. With a great friend and capable soldier like that along for the ride, maybe they really would be able to face down this threat. Maybe, just maybe, victory wasn't so impossible as it seemed, with a steadfast friend at her side.