Work Text:
Waking up in a daze and unaware of your surroundings wasn't the best way to start the day. The disconnection from reality makes it feel as if you're watching from outside your body, unable to change the channel. Going about the daily routine in a robotic, almost unnatural state that seemed almost normal was just a part of his monotonous existence.
Dazai woke up that way that morning, blinking slowly at the sunlight that filtered through the blinds that he was sure he had closed tightly the night before. Closing his eyes for a few more moments, he finally found it in himself to roll off his futon onto the cool wooden floor. For a split second, he considered staying like that on the floor for the rest of the day but decided against it. If he stayed in the apartment any longer Kunikida would go banging on his door, and he didn't feel like getting rushed out to work that day.
He groaned as he pushed himself into an upright sitting position, glancing around momentarily as he struggled to remember what he commonly did on a morning. one look at the kitchen, and a staring match with the dirty dishes piled in the sink. The dishes lost the contest, and he turned his head to somewhere else.
The bathroom door was ajar, the room dark and demeaning. From where he sat on the floor he could hear a rhythmic dripping of water, and he figured he must have left the tap on. This was likely last night after he shrugged off his tan coat and splashed cold water on his face before passing out.
Right, he almost forgot. Looking presentable was something he should at least attempt to do.
Removing his legs from the tangle of the sheets that had followed him, Dazai stumbled into the small apartment bathroom, flicking on the light as he walked in. Immediately the cataclysmic room was filled with an unnatural light, and Dazai didn't bother trying to remember what he usually did and he made his way straight to the sink. Clustered around it was a toothbrush, set beside an array of facial products that he never had the energy to put to use. He ignored the bone-dry shower, as he had never showered in the mornings, and grabbed his toothbrush that had been placed in a cheap plastic cup on the ends of the ceramic sink.
The toothbrush was also dry and was almost brand new. It hadn't been used much in recent days, but Dazai found it in himself to use it that morning. Squeezing a bit too much toothpaste onto the brush, he pushed the brush into his mouth and scrubbed in dull, circular motions. He didn't know how long he stood there doing that repetitive motion. He kept his head down, avoiding peering into the mirror that was placed above the sink. He spat, watching as the water from the tap washed away the blue toothpaste. Running his hand through his hair, he realised just how tangled it was. Dazai couldn't remember when was the last time he had brushed his hair.
Looking up to grab the brush that lay on the other end of the sink, he made contact with his reflection in the mirror and paused. Staring at himself, Dazai couldn't recognise the person who was looking back at him. The person looked positively awful, hideous was the word he would use. Their face looked lumpy and ugly, bags hanging loosely from their eyes. The hair looked like a rat's nest, protruding in places that made it look like they had been in a fight with an angry cat.
It didn't look human, it looked like some kind of monster that haunted him as a punishment for all the past crimes he had committed. It almost reminded him of the monster he had fought with Chuuya from the guild, but at least that monster could have had some beauty if you looked close enough, and at least it was clear to see that he was a monster. As far as he knew, only those from his past saw him that way. As this ugly, inhumane monster that couldn't possibly find himself among everyone else. Even something as minimal as the cheap fluorescent light in his bathroom unnerved him, he wasn't used to so much light, to the point where he had taken it upon himself to block it out with his blinds when he could.
Dazai stared at the reflection, and it stared right back.
He turned off the light switch and began brushing his hair in the darkness.
Dazai opted to change his bandages in the dark too, not wanting to risk seeing himself lest he turn on the light again. It took ten minutes to cover everything, shorter than it usually did. The bandages felt looser than usual, but Dazai let them be. He didn't have time to start over, and the itch that the tightness of his normal bandaging gave him would push him over the edge. Leaving the roll on the cover of the toilet, he walked out of the bathroom to change into his work clothes.
If he looked slopped, he didn't notice nor care. Dazai was focused on simply making it out the door before he changed his mind and tried to end it all right there in the living room. Walking to the door with nothing but his keys, he glanced at the kitchen sink again. The was difficult to see the drain as the mountain of dishes was piled to the brim. Stagnant water could be seen at the base, threatening to spill over if another utensil was added.
Dazai considered eating something before he left, then remembered there was nothing in his apartment to eat. He didn't remember the last time he had eaten and didn't bother to care. The fridge had been empty for weeks, it wasn't like he hadn't any money to restock it. The idea of going to the store and buying more food felt like a tedious chore, even if he did need it to live. That is what kept him the most from buying food.
Ignoring all that was wrong with him and his house, Dazai opened his front door and stepped outside, hissing silently at the light. Quickly adhering to the sudden change in atmosphere, he clicked the lock behind him and shut the door.
Dazai had shown up an hour later this time.
He walked in, half expecting to get yelled at Kunikida for not coming to work on time the second he stepped through the metal frame. He didn't expect to walk in and find his partner staring intently at his laptop, pointedly not looking at him.
Dazai made his greeting, and he watched as Kunikida glanced at him. He saw him preparing to yell at him as he usually did, but was surprised again when he said nothing, giving a stiff nod in response before turning towards his computer once more to finish a report that Dazai undoubtedly did not do.
Ignoring his partner's peculiar behaviour, he trudged to his desk and immediately placed his head on the top. He wasn't necessarily tired, but he had no energy to do any work whatsoever, not like he ever did. His brain felt slow, and he knew that he wouldn't get any work done by the end of the day in that state. Pulling out an old pair of headphones from his pocket, he stuck the buds into his ears, shifting slightly as he adjusted his head into his arms while the music played at the back of his mind.
His hands brushed his neck, and he felt his bandages shift. Hands pausing in the position, he brushed aside the gauze material, and the fabric easily moved out of place, the textured scars running across the pads of his fingertips. Dazai then understood why Kunikida hadn't looked at him when he walked in. He probably looked like a mess, with his bandages lose around his neck, probably not loose enough for anything significant to be seen through a quick glance.
Putting the thought aside in his mind, he hummed along to the song currently playing. Beyond the covering of his headphones, he could hear murmurs that sounded like voices. Dazai imagined his coworkers whispering behind his back, criticising how he had come to work yet wasted their time by doing nothing. The voices stopped, and he felt something being placed on his desk. Dazai made no move to look up and stayed where he was.
He couldn't tell if minutes or hours passed, but eventually, the songs on his phone had finally ended. When he looked up from his place on the desk he found the office empty. Kunikida was no longer typing away at his desk, glaring at the screen. Judging by the time of day, it must have been lunch break. Nobody seemed to tell him, or maybe they tried and he was too out of it to respond.
Noticing something that hadn't been there before, an object on his desk caught Dazai's eye. Two things had been put near him when he had been looking. One looked like a box of strawberry milk, he wasn't quite sure who might've put it there, knowing Ranpo might not have wanted to share any of his snacks. He pushed the milk aside, knowing he most likely wouldn't drink it anytime soon.
Next to the milk was a white, cylindrical object. It looked soft, and upon further inspection, he realised it was a roll of bandages. The end was bound by nothing but a purple butterfly sticker. Dazai knew who had put it there, and was truly surprised Dr Yosano hadn't grabbed him by the collar and dragged him into her office to put them on herself.
Just the fact that she had put them there without notice left a silent message, that she wouldn't force him to come to her, but she had things he needed should he ever want them. The bandages looked expensive, nothing like the cheap ones that he bought commonly. Even the butterfly sticker that bound the ends together looked like it belonged there, so unlike him.
Suppressing a sigh at the thought of engaging in another mentally tedious task, Dazai took the bandages and went to reapply them before lunch break ended and his coworkers returned.