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Dear Steve,
I can feel you staring at me, it’s funny isn’t it? How that works? I’m sitting here writing you this letter, a just in case letter, and you’re right there. A part of me hates that I cannot just go tell you this, but I can’t because I’m not ready yet. Part of me thinks you already know what I have to say. Part of me wants to really make sure you know.
Do you remember when I got sick just after snowball? Billy told me to walk home and you drove me back to your house instead because I was sick and you were so mad at Billy for making me walk. I knew my parents were gone for the weekend anyway. You made me your Nonna’s chicken soup, you spent all that time and I know you burnt yourself and you lied about it. It was the best soup I had ever had, just because I knew you loved me when you made it. No one just makes someone soup like that unless you care about them. I made you watch dumb cartoons I’m too old for all weekend, but you didn’t bitch once.
Do you remember homecoming? I couldn’t get my hair to lay flat, and I just wanted it too. I don’t know why that was so important, but you sat in the bathroom with me and you used a hot iron on my hair for over an hour and brushed it out. You spent over an hour making sure I loved my hair, you even put in those silly pearl clips because you said they would match my dress. The dress you went with me to get because I didn’t want to go. You put in my earrings even because I just sat there. I sat there quiet because I didn’t know how to say thank you for everything. Where was I supposed to start? I know I said thank you to you, but it needed so much more than just “thank you”.
Do you remember the night I fell off my skateboard after Billy died? It was maybe three weeks after he died… I cried, I never cry over falling. I probably wasn’t even crying because of that. But I was crying really hard and a lot and I walkied you, because who else was I going to call? You came as soon as you could, I was still crying even and you just held me. You eventually cleaned up my scraped up knees that didn’t need cleaning, but for the longest time you just held me and let me cry. You knew I wasn’t crying over my knee, but I wanted that to be the only reason I was crying. We got ice cream afterwards, I felt like a little kid who was told they were brave for falling and only crying an hour, but you ordered chocolate for me because you knew it was my favorite. I didn’t have to tell you it was my favorite, you knew. Don’t give me the well I worked in at the ice cream shop excuse, you knew because you wanted too.
Do you remember when I skipped school and you caught me back in November? I was so scared you were going to be mad at me, but you just understood. You didn’t ask me one hundred questions you asked if I wanted to go get lunch. You drove us over an hour to get lunch. You didn’t just get me lunch though, we got pedicures and we went shopping. I don’t really shop and I remember thinking how those ladies judged us when we got pedicures. Well not me, but you. I didn’t take off the nail polish for over two months because when I was getting dressed in the morning I’d see it and remember that day. A thank you wasn’t enough then either.
The night I met you, you got right in front of me to protect me, to save me, I know you knew Dustin and Lucas, but it was me too. You didn’t know my name. I knew you were some douche bag who dated Nancy and Billy decided day one he hated you. That night when we were at Will’s you tucked me in once you thought I was asleep. I heard you say something about how you thought I would be cold being from California. You smoothed my hair out even. I was awake, but wanted that type of affection for just a moment, so I stayed still. I didn’t know what to say to you then, but I remember falling asleep feeling safe for the first time in so long. How do you thank somebody for that?
All these moments, just Steve, I keep restarting new ones in my head. I keep smiling at them and wanting to write about them too. I want you to remember them too. I know I bitch about that camera you take pictures with like Jonathan, but I am so happy when I see them. I wish we had more of us together instead of you always taking the photo. I like to think I look like you and in my head almost pretend that we are siblings and it’s not just because you collect kids for some reason.
I hope you aren’t sad reading this, I don’t know if you read it right when I died or you waited a while. I hope you laughed thinking about some of the things about me. I hope you spoke at my funeral. That’s morbid, but it’s true because you were my brother. You are my brother. You’re my brother I wanted when I was little. You literally just came over and kissed my head because you were walking past me. You asked me if I wanted anything and you’re getting me a Coke now. People only do that for people they love. I don’t say it enough. That I love you, and I should tell you when you come back from the kitchen, but I know I won’t. And I’ll say thank you, but thank you isn’t enough either. Thank you was never enough for all the shit you’ve done for me.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to hear it, but can you tell me what you thought of or what you spoke about? God, that sounds so dumb. I just don’t want you to forget me. I want to hear you say that you love me too I guess, that I’m your little sister. That you knew every single time you kissed my head, or held me, or hugged me just a little bit longer than everyone else, that I was your sister. I love you Steve, and this letter is so different from Billy’s. Because I really love you as my brother and you were always there to protect me, but I guess I wasn’t listening enough to protect me from myself. I wish I would have had more days where I let you in, but I am now. I love you, and thank you again for the Coke. Thank you again for everything.
I love you,
Max.
Steve read the letter again, he hated that the tear stains were on the paper now. They were every single time he read the letter, he added new ones. He looked over to Max, he was safe to cry here. He knew that.
“Hey Max,” his voice filled the quiet room again, “I know I already said hey when I came in. I always do, but if you can hear me. We gotta talk kiddo. We have so much to talk about. Plus you aren’t even hear to mock me when I read to you. Lucas has all these books here, but I brought comics today. The nurse said I can sit in your bed even and read to you. I think they’re a little annoyed I stay all night, but it’s when we’re alone.”
Steve readjusted himself some, sitting in bed with the stack of comics on the table next to them, he looked over at her. At night he could pretend she was asleep next to him, that she was going to wake up any second and ask what the hell he was doing there, but for now, he would take the fact they had weaned her off the coma medications and now it was up to her.
“Okay, El said you love Wonder Woman, so I guess we’re starting here.” He brushed some of her hair out of her face. He washed her hair yesterday, the nurses let him to it because they just can’t keep up with everyone and he wanted her to know he loved her. He got through a couple comics before he looked at her again.
“When I was little I wanted a little sister, or a little brother, anything to keep me company. When you wake up, don’t worry, don’t worry we will figure it all out. The gates to Hell are literally in your trailer park right now, but we will figure it out. I’m thinking the room next to mine, what do you say? We can paint it any color, even that red color you love, but maybe that can be an accent wall? I’ll stay with you and we can read dorky comics all day and night. I’ll be your own personal cheerleader. Fuck it, I’ll even wear a cheerleading skirt if it means you’ll answer me.” Steve felt tears again on his face.
“You’re right kiddo.” He said to her, “I was supposed to protect you and I didn’t. I fucking hate myself for it. I should have tried harder to reach you. I should have stayed with you and Lucas. I should have done so many things. I keep reading the fucking letter over and over, no one else has opened theirs yet. I just keep thinking it holds the key. I just cry every time.” He can hear the wetness when he laughs.
“You know, the nurses said they thought you could smell, that’s why I used the rose shampoo you love to steal out of my shower, I don’t even like rose shampoo. I buy it for you because you told me how much you loved it. Maybe you can smell roses right now. Or maybe just my weird cologne you somehow love, I know you put it on when you’re over before school. Either way, I keep thinking do I say that? Do I bring up those memories? Do I talk about how you crashed into my car once and didn’t tell me? Yeah, I know about that by the way. The skate board scratch was obvious.” He can feel slight twitching by his leg and he looks down at her hand.
“Your arms are broken from Vecna, I’m so sorry your fingers are twitching baby girl, maybe they should up the medications again.” He goes to move, but something is just stopped him, her eyes are moving behind her eyelids. She’s dreaming or she can hear him right now.
“Max? You can hear me? Are you in pain?” He’s hitting the call button than he thought possible.
“Eve?” Is muttered so quietly, his entire world pauses, it’s all in slow motion. He heard her voice.
“Max?”
“Steve.” She confirms, her voice is so quiet, so broken, but it’s her voice.
“Yeah baby, hey, someone is coming, are you in pain?”
“Yeah.” Her eyes aren’t open yet. He slips off the bed and goes to the hall.
“Hey! Hello! Sorry, sorry ma’am, ma’am, she’s awake.” He’s in a frantic rush to get his words out at the nurse who has the look of a deer in headlights. She’s moving with him fast in her room.
“Maxine? I heard you’re awake!” The nurse says in a too cheery voice.
“Max.” She whispers and nurse looks wide eyed again. She hadn’t believed Steve.
“Please, she hurts, she said it hurts.” Steve is saying it faster.
“I’ll be right back.” The nurse is gone and Steve is able to go back to the bed.
“Don’t talk too much if it hurts, your throat isn’t damaged, but I don’t want you hurting okay? They’ll get you something, they’re doing it now. I don’t think the doctor thought you’d wake up tonight. We’ve cut the medication back so much, he thought you would yesterday.” He flinches at his own words, they’re wetly spoken as he’s essentially just told her the doctor thought she’d die of starvation before she’d wake up.
“I love you.” Was whispered and Steve’s heart could have stopped.
“I love you so much.” He said back to her, kissing his head, knowing his tears were hitting her forehead, but it really didn’t matter, his little sister was awake.