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Another clap of thunder echoed throughout the massive chamber as rain poured in from above. Cass shivered.
“Croft is gonna love what we’ve found here.” She joked, trying to keep the mood light. “He’ll be making salads for the next year. You got any idea what this fruit might taste like?” There was no response. “Elizabeth?”
She turned around. Liz was lying on the ground, unmoving. Cass felt a familiar stab of panic shoot through her.
“No, no. Wake up.” She crawled over to the director, desperately attempting to rouse her. A large glass shard shattered somewhere close by, but Cass paid no notice. “Wake up!”
She couldn’t feel a pulse when she checked, and wasn’t sure if it was due to the cold or if Liz’s heart had stopped. Neither option calmed her.
“Wake up. Please, wake up...” she pleaded, voice becoming more desperate by the second. The sound of more glass shattering filled her ears. “You did it, Liz.” She tried, barely feeling the tears streaming down her face. “You found this place...found what we came for.”
A low rumble, muffled by her hood, caught her attention. She’d recognise that sound anywhere. A sound from beside her turned her attention back to Liz. She was looking at her, eyes barely open. She was trying to crack a small smile. “Liz?”
“Hey…” Was all she said, and Cass smiled.
“Hey…help’s on the way, okay? You just gotta hold on.” Liz’s face fell, and she looked down at her coat pocket longingly.
“I could...really use a cigarette…” Her words trailed off and her eyelids slid shut, and the panic overtook Cass immediately.
“Liz? No no no, please, just hold on a little longer…” The tears were flowing freely now, and Cass reached to feel her pulse. Nothing. She shook her in one last effort, the panic completely taking over. “You have to tell them…you got here first...wake up…please!” She let out a sob as the Guin touched down, wrapping her arms around Liz’s body and clinging on like it was a lifeline, even as Croft and Meds pulled her onboard. When they tried to pry her off Liz she screamed, lashing out fiercely, refusing to accept it and desperate to stay by her side. She barely registered the sedative being injected until her world went black.
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She didn’t attend the funeral. They buried her on the vitrified planet, in the oasis. As defence adjutant, the position of director had fallen to her, and she’d thrown herself into her work immediately, regardless of Meds’s protests and insistence she take a break.
The expedition won’t fall apart without a director for a while.
She’d said.
The expedition might not, but I will.
Was what she wanted to respond with, but she knew that would only cause Meds to use her authorization as medical officer to force her off-duty. That was the last thing she needed.
So she worked, and worked, to a point where it was becoming unhealthy. Self-care had gone completely out of the window; she couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually slept for more than an hour without a nightmare jolting her awake for the rest of the night. With Liz gone the memories returned in full force, and she couldn’t let herself stop for even a moment, lest her mind wander into dangerous territories.
Then it happened. She was in Ops, writing up reports and faintly aware of Ravi shooting her concerned glances every few seconds. Not that she was surprised; she had been there since 0300, and it was now 1346. She probably looked awful too, which wasn’t helping.
“Hmm, we’re missing something here.” She noted, putting one log aside and realising the one she was trying to grab wasn’t actually there. I could have sworn I-
“Oh, sorry ma’am.” Ravi spoke up, interrupting her thoughts. “I was reviewing the logs earlier and left one in your office, should I go and fetch it?” Her office. Not that she used it. She could count on one hand how many times she’d actually step foot in there since Liz’s funeral. The memories threatened to overwhelm her whenever she went in, and she had thus avoided it. But if she sent Ravi to get it she would be standing there waiting, and then her thoughts would start to spiral way out of control. And she wasn’t sure what was worse.
Ravi’s voice broke through before she could ponder any further. “Ma’am?”
“Uh-oh, it’s fine, Lieutenant. I’ll get it.” Ravi gave her a look that said Are you sure that’s a good idea? , but didn’t object. So she climbed up to the second level, and stepped inside. At once she was hit with a memory of the first time she entered the office, when Liz had showed her the fancy extractor system she had installed to support her cigarette addiction. A single tear rolled down her cheek even as she banished the thought from her mind. She came here to grab the log, and that was it. No reminiscing over her commanding officer. Commanding officer? A part of her started. Is that what she is? No Elizabeth or Liz anymore? She dies so you decide to go back to formalities? Did you even care about her at all?
Cass ignored it as she did every time, and began searching for the object she came to collect. It wasn’t on the desk, so maybe Ravi left it on one of the shelves. He did, as it turned out. But the log wasn’t the only thing sitting up there. As she grabbed it her eyes caught a glimpse of something bright red, folded up and just…laying there. She took it as well, and once it was in the light she could observe it properly. It was one of Liz’s jackets. For a brief moment Cass wondered just how many of the things she had before a memory hit her full force. It was a couple weeks before the vitrified planet, on the Guin. Liz had taken advantage of the recent downtime and commandeered Cass’s shower, claiming it better than the one she had in her quarters - although Cass wasn’t very convinced of that fact - and left her clothes on Cass’s bed, including her jacket. When Cass had gone in to grab a book, she couldn’t help herself and swiped it, trying it on and deciding immediately that red wasn’t really her colour. But she’d revelled in the fact that it smelt like Liz, the aroma of cigarettes and that fancy shampoo she’d brung with her from Tantalus. That same smell was emanating from the jacket she held now, and it overtook her. She slipped it on before she could change her mind, not noticing the tears sliding down her cheeks. She was about to leave and continue with the reports, but something else caught her eye. A framed photograph sat on the desk, and in it was her and Liz, the director smiling in that patented half-smirk way, and her looking exasperated but happy regardless. She recognised it. It was a few days after the bombings, when Liz had stormed into her quarters, camera in hand, demanding Cass come out to the bar and pose for a photograph. She had tried to protest, but Liz had grabbed her by the hand and practically dragged her down there. Seeing that now, seeing how happy they both were, she couldn’t take it.
She collapsed to the floor with a sob, letting the tears flow freely and cradling the photo to her chest. She didn’t care that the whole of Ops could see her, see how pathetic she was getting broken up over an old jacket and a photo. Nothing mattered at that moment other than the jacket around her shoulders, the photo in her hands and the woman buried on a desolate world a few light years away. She let it all out, curling up smaller and smaller and letting the thoughts and memories consume her. She faintly heard Ravi yelling to the people below to get back to work and ordering someone to call Meds, but she didn’t care. She’s gone. She’s never coming back. She died on that planet, cold and alone. The voice mocked her, now sounding exactly like Liz, which only fuelled Cass’s tears.
And it’s all your fault.