Chapter Text
»Yukio, what do you want to do when you grow up?«
»What do you do when you’re an adult? Adult stuff. Have sex, do drugs, maybe kill a person.«
Yukio strategically threw a stone into the river, as he nonchalantly answered Toshiko’s question without losing a second on consideration. The stone plopped three times and Yukio celebrated by making a fist and shaking it in the air.
»You’re so vulgar!«, Toshiko nagged, suppressing laughter herself. »But what is it really? What do you want to be in the future?« Toshiko pulled her legs to her torso to prepare herself for another answer and Yukio was a bit taken aback by her interest.
»What do you mean?«, he asked carefully. His vulgarity was wearing off and Yukio secretly wished Toshiko noticed. They were both still young, of course, but in front of her, Yukio wanted to be as grown-up as he could and show her how manly he was able to be. He was older than her, after all – had more experience and therefore was obligated to answer Toshiko’s burning questions in a responsible way. He could teach her so much more and Yukio’s heart tingled just thinking about it. It wasn’t a sexual excitement, any time he could spend with Toshiko tempted Yukio to find something to show her. Usually, he’d tell stories about the striking contrasts between girl- and boy high schools, which fascinatingly enough filled Toshiko with enthusiasm, regardless of the included violence.
»Tell me about your dreams, Yukio! To be rich, healthy, anything! Just make it truthful.«
Yukio began to rub his chin and side-eyed Toshiko to confirm that she really was interested in his answer. And yes, there she was, patiently waiting and caressing her elbows. Though taken aback, he hummed, taking his time to think and deliberately reflect about the future. Yukio didn’t do it often, actually more or less avoided it, but he would be lying if he said that he didn’t daydream about being all grown-up, sitting inside some conference and sharing a glass of champagne, perhaps for having changed the world for the better.
»It’s a repetitive question, I thought you’re asking me like we’re at a job interview or something«, he murmured. »But if you really, seriously want to know.. I guess I want something like world peace and be a hero.«
He felt kind of guilty seeing Toshiko be as sympathetic as she was, as it hadn’t been Yukio’s initial, default “honest” answer. Honestly, sex, drugs, etc. had been on his mind for years without any shame, and he still wanted a euphoric life of drunken daze, but sure, being a do-gooder felt like it suited him and sounded sophisticated enough. In addition, Toshiko wasn’t fazed at all and for some strange reason claimed that he »could become a superhero in the ultra-man squad.«
Gasp. She was absolutely right. Out of childhood reflex, Yukio struck the ultra man pose and stared at Toshiko for a moment to catch her reaction. Most people would have made fun of him at this point, but Toshiko was giving him a sincere gaze and nodding encouragingly, which just proved how special she was. Her laugh wasn’t belittling at all, and for another strange reason he found himself smiling with her. He felt understood and almost forgot to reciprocate her attention.
»Enough about me! What do you want, Ms. Tachibana?«, Yukio asked, acting like a reporter, his hand was holding an imaginary microphone.
»I just want to be happy«, was Toshiko’s answer. She had not taken any time to think while throwing pebbles into the river, but her voice was barely louder than the splashes of water; Yukio couldn’t establish whether it was uncertainty or just fatigue.
»Aren’t you happy right now?«, he asked, raising an eyebrow, hoping the girl was feeling joyous around him. He pushed his glasses up his nose bridge to inspect her more clearly. Yukio had never seen Toshiko not smile, her lips always formed a slight curvature. Her duality was confusing at most times, but it was one of her many charms. She was purely good-hearted, a rarity in this dirty, griddy world.
»I still want to be happy when I grow up. Happy and dumb.«
Confused, Yukio tilted his head to the side, his glasses following right after.
»Dumb?«
»I don’t know. It just seems easier to live, doesn’t it?«
Yukio acted like he understood. He’d rather be smart, that’s why he went to school. Being dumb was usually conntected with failure, Yukio couldn’t risk world peace for that. But he nodded to give her the same feeling of confirmation as she had given him.
»Yeah, I guess. Do you want to be an adult, Toshiko?«
Toshiko bursted out in laughter. »We already do so many adult things, I don’t know if I need to be an adult at all.«
»Touché«, Yukio grinned and savored Toshiko’s chuckle for a while. Reminded by the words “adult things”, Yukio crammed inside his pocket and pulled out a cigarette. »You want one?«
Toshiko waved her hand to dismiss it. »Not right now, but I can still light it for you.«
»Huh? You got a lighter?«
Toshiko nodded. »A really cool one.«
She crawled over to the boy and pulled out a silver zippo with the initials “TT” written on it with a cheap marker, which contrasted the shiny, expensive surface of it. Yukio read it out loud, as she lit his cigarette.
»TT, Tachibana Toshiko«, he remarked, staring into her eyes, which, in the fire, glowed like some type of special jewel. Yukio didn’t know much about gemstones, but there had to be one existing that twinkled just like the burning flame reflecting in her irises.
»Ah, no. The TT actually stands for Tsukishima Taijou.«
»Who’s that?«
»Just a friend of my brother.«
Yukio had also been “just a friend” of Toshiko’s older brother, though nowadays, he didn’t see him as much as he saw her — way too busy with “assignments and lectures”, Toshiki would write in his emails, when Yukio asked him how he was doing.
He had met Toshiki in elementary school, because they were put in the same class pretty often, but it wasn’t until Yukio had to redo a year and got help studying from Toshiko (because he was known to be smart) for the two to become close friends. It wasn’t a secret that Yukio just visited Toshiki’s home to play their video games and sometimes steal a glimpse of his sister Toshiko, when they sat at the table next to her sleeping place.
The private tutoring obviously turned out to be unsuccessful for this exact reason, but Yukio had still been welcomed to the Tachibana-household with each new year and when she finally grew older, Toshiko joined her brother and his silly friend to make them snacks and played games with them until evening.
This had been their routine, just until Toshiki had left for university. Yukio had to redo another year again, but weirdly enough, even if it was only them two, Yukio and Toshiko still continued to hang out. No studying though — they eventually even stopped staying at the Tachibana’s at all to reside at the town’s river where they would meet almost every afternoon, such as today.
Toshiko returned to her normal position after using the lighter, embracing her legs with her slim arms and Yukio continued to smoke his cigarette. »This Tsukishima-guy, he nice to you?«, he asked, observing her, as she touched her own ponytail to think. He gulped, turned around to not seem obvious and stared into the sky.
»He also asks me to smoke.«
»He does?« Yukio wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not, Toshiko was speaking in a tone that didn’t make it clear where she stood amidst it all. »How old is he, that Tsukishima?«
»19. He told me I could keep this to remember him or something, he’s leaving for university soon.« There was a sigh leaving her mouth and Toshiko laid down on her back. The pebbles under her were crackling, ringing inside Yukio’s ears. He grew more unsure with each sentence that left Toshiko’s mouth. Zippos weren’t really cheap, that Taijou had got to have his life together or be incredibly rich. Yukio didn’t even know his face, but the thought of a big, taller guy gifting Toshiko a commemorative lighter was activating something inside him — and it wasn’t a “nice” feeling.
»Uni, huh. You, uh, like smart guys like him?«, Yukio sped up, drifting the conversation to an uncalled for topic. His insecurity was probably on full display now, but what was worse was that Toshiko didn’t even answer immediately. Did she really like smart guys? No way, it couldn’t be. Yukio should have stayed in school to get better grades, with his current report he would only repulse Toshiko further. Filled with anxiety, he turned around to meet Toshiko’s eyes, which were already looking through him.
»Tsukishima’s not smart«, Toshiko answered as if she had prepared to say it, »He thinks he is, but he’s too blunt. He touches me where he shouldn’t and says things I don’t want to hear. He acts like he’s smart, because he gets good grades like my brother, but he’s not smart at all. Not the slightest bit intelligent.«
Yukio fluttered with his eyelids, processing her descriptive words. He hadn’t known intelligence to be measurable like this. Maybe it wasn’t about a GPA after all and there was still hope for him to prove his smartness. Toshiko let out an amused laugh and leaned back her head, chin up high — the sun was casting a tiny star onto her nose, adding another celestial image in what could only described a galaxy of beauty.
»I don’t like him«, Toshiko assured, while Yukio rearranged himself after dozing off into awe. He nodded, even if he didn’t know if it was out of understanding or being relieved by her answer.
»My friends think he’s cool, though. Some are even in love with him.«
»Why?« Yukio became theatrical. Why?
»He drove to our school once. With his sport-car and all. Rolled down the windows and said he wanted to buy me an ice cream. My friends screamed “take me, I’ll go with you!” to get his attention. He really was the most popular guy at our schoolyard, everybody was there. Take that for an all-girls high school.«
Yukio was almost choking in suspense. »Did.. Did ya go?«
»No! Of course not. I’m not going to skip any class for him!«
Her sudden protest calmed Yukio. He exhaled in relief and then, Toshiko snickered as well. Yukio enjoyed her playfulness and the short moment of silence, finished his cigarette, threw it into the water and watched it float away.
»You think I’m cool, Toshiko?«, he blurted out after the bud had disappeared from his vision, but before he could take it back, Toshiko pinched him.
»Do you think I would hang out with you, if you weren’t cool?«, she laughed, leaving Yukio confused.
»What’s that mean, Toshiko? You wouldn’t skip class for me?«
Toshiko laughed even louder. »Yukio! I would do everything with you.«
»You would?« Yukio sat up, his lips forming a surprised pout, but Toshiko merely scratched her neck and looked away. Her face was hidden to him now, Yukio prayed the red cast on her ear wasn’t a sign of anger. »Don’t be so shocked!«, she demanded.
»So.. you think I’m cool?« Yukio was getting nothing out of Toshiko’s statements.
Toshiko groaned and stood up. She shouted, »you’re an idiot, Yukio!«, as she began to sprint away with annoyed steps.
»Hold on! So you think I’m dumb, now?«, Yukio whined and stumbled over his feet, trying to catch up. Her laughter disappeared into the streets and she was still breathing heavily, when they eventually reached the front gates of her home.
Girls were so difficult to understand. After they shared their good-bye hug and Toshiko disappeared behind the wooden door, Yukio had to sigh heavily to recover. Yet, this feeling wasn’t an off-turning or weakening pain — in fact, it was actually rather motivating to know that there were so many opportunities left to resolve it within the following days.
And Yukio, if it was for Toshiko, would wait for these days to come any time.