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Coulson sighed as the team entered the Bus, sighed again as the events of the day caught up with him, then sighed once more for good measure as he turned around and saw the others, aware he looked just as awful as they did.
“Well, that was unexpected,” Coulson stated dryly, then shrugged at the glares aimed in his direction. “It could have been worse.”
May's stare could easily be described as Arctic, and that was being generous. “How?”
“It could have been...corrosive?” Simmons said slowly.
“Toxic?” Fitz added nervously.
May glared them both into silence. “This is bad enough,” she replied through gritted teeth.
Coulson sighed again. “Look, it's just...goo, okay? It can be washed off easily enough, and....” He paused and looked at each team member in turn. “...It is laundry day, so I don't see the problem.”
Ward just stared. “The problem, sir, is that a simple operation was turned into a circus because of a mutant alien giraffe that spat...goo!” He threw his arms up in the air to express his point, which resulted in said goo being flung in various directions.
“Not Lola!” Coulson exclaimed, his voice rising in pitch due to his concern. Everyone looked at him. “Let's just get to the laundry room and...try not to get too much of this...this stuff everywhere, okay?” Leading the way, he squelched off, everyone following silently, which was unusual. In fact, he realised Skye hadn't spoken, so he dropped back to walk with her. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Which means no. What is it?”
Skye bit her lip and refused to look at him. “I don't like giraffes,” she admitted after a few moments.
Coulson held his breath to make sure he didn't laugh. “I don't like goo,” he offered.
Skye smiled at him. “Thanks, AC...I mean, DC.”
Coulson shrugged. “AC's fine.”
“Alright, now what?” May asked, her arms carefully folded.
Coulson resisted the urge to roll his eyes. As if that really needed explaining, but he knew it was part of her retaliation for what had happened. Not that it had been his fault in the first place. Really, how was he supposed to know that mutant alien giraffes would take the place of regular guard dogs on an evil villain's secret base?
“Now, Agent May, we take off our goo-covered clothes and throw them in the washer before this stuff dries on,” he said calmly, plucking at his suit ruefully.
The reactions of his agents were fairly predictable. “You mean...strip...sir?” Simmons asked, her eyes wide.
“I think that was the general idea of the statement, Simmons, yes,” Fitz murmured to her.
“I don't think so,” Ward said.
May held Coulson's gaze. “I think that as our glorious leader, you should go first and set an example.”
“Fine, but as soon as I'm done, the rest of you are going to follow,” he ordered, sliding his tie off as he kicked his shoes into a corner. The socks followed, along with the jacket and shirt, although he hesitated a little, not because he was shy, but the huge scar on his chest was a little obvious. Finally, without pausing, he took off his pants and stood there with his arms folded. “Who's next?”
“Captain America?” Ward asked, unsuccessfully keeping the smile from his face. “Really, sir?”
Coulson looked down at his boxers and looked back up. “So? You want to show us what you're sporting, Agent Ward? A pink thong, perhaps.”
FitzSimmons snickered and even May smirked a little. Ward straightened up. “Alright.” He stripped quickly and waited.
May rolled her eyes. “Black Widow? Really, Ward? You're walking around with Romanoff on your underwear?”
“Well, in the Avengers universe I don't have a lot of choice as a...guy....” He trailed off as he realised what he was saying. “Never mind.”
“Wisest decision you've made all day, Agent Ward,” Coulson said dryly. “Alright, May. Your turn.”
Seconds later and she stood there with her hands on her hips, defying anyone to make a comment. “And if I find anyone has the same set, we will have words,” May threatened, looking first at Simmons, then at Skye.
“Oh, rest assured, while I find Thor an extremely excellent specimen, I would rather not have him on my underwear,” Simmons replied.
May finally smiled properly, though it was tinged with curiosity. “Who do you have?”
Simmons shook the whole time she took her clothes off, her nerves not helped by Fitz's offer to help. “While I feel that most of the Avengers have their own fine qualities, I do find that Hawkeye's arms are...well, beyond definition, really.”
May's smile grew. “Not a bad choice at all.”
“Oh, fine,” Fitz grumbled, stripping at super speed.
Coulson actually looked impressed. “How did you manage to find boxers with both Stark and Banner on there?”
Fitz mumbled something and looked away, his entire body a brighter shade of red than anyone thought was possible. “Excuse me?” Ward asked.
Simmons helpfully supplied the answer. “He said he had them custom made.”
To save the scientist from any further embarrassment, May turned to Skye, who again had been strangely silent throughout the entire exchange, and who now looked to be considering fleeing in a most desperate fashion.
“Skye?”
All eyes turned to her and she began to back away. “Er, yeah, off with the clothes. Not going to happen. Laundry day and all that.” Without waiting for any reply, she turned and sprinted from sight, a surprising minimum of goo following.
Ward and Fitz's eyebrows had both shot up, and Simmons' weren't far behind. “So...she's going...commando?” Ward managed to say.
“Suddenly I believe in miracles,” Fitz murmured.
But Coulson was frowning. “She was acting weird when we got back on the Bus,” he said in concern. “Are you sure this stuff isn't harmful to us?”
“It's goo from a mutant alien giraffe, sir,” Fitz replied.
Simmons added, “We're not really sure of anything, sir.”
“Right. Maybe you'd better get sure,” Coulson said, walking off.
“Phil.”
May's voice stopped him. “Yeah?”
A pair of sweatpants hit him in the face. “At least put those on before you go roaming around the plane,” she said.
Coulson actually pouted. “It's my plane.
May just rolled her eyes.
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“Skye, open the door, please.”
“No.”
“Skye, I just want to make sure you're okay.”
“Is anyone else with you?” Skye asked after a long pause.
“No,” Coulson replied, a little amused by her question.
Then he heard her sigh, a very long and dejected noise. “Alright, come in.”
She had her back to him as he entered and he shut the door again quietly, waiting for her to turn around. “You didn't need to be embarrassed in the laundry room,” he started to assure her.
“Yes, I...chest,” Skye blurted as she turned.
Coulson's eyes widened and then followed her gaze; May had forgotten to provide him with a T-shirt to go with the sweatpants. “Ah, yes. I...well, I wanted to make sure you were okay and only had time to grab a pair of pants.”
“Even though the T-shirts are right next to them?” Skye asked, amused.
Coulson groaned. “I'm going to kill May,” he grumbled.
“Good luck with that, boss.”
“Okay, can we ignore my state of attire for the moment, please?”
“Not likely.”
“Skye, what are you hiding?”
She pouted. “Unfair tactics, AC.”
Coulson opened his mouth, then closed it again and frowned. “Wait, we all have Avengers underwear...but as Fitz had two on his...who did you have? Or were you really going commando?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
Skye blushed, then rolled her eyes at him. “On a mission, AC? Not cool. Well, probably very cool, in the literal sense, but....”
“Skye,” Coulson said, stopping her gently.
“Okay, okay. I do have Avengers underwear. Happy now?”
He smiled. “Not until you tell me who.”
Skye crossed her arms. “How about you guess instead?”
“Thor,” he replied instantly. “You know, the dreamy....”
“No.”
“Oh. Captain America?”
“Your hero, not mine.”
“Hawkeye?”
“Not my type.”
“Please don't say Stark.”
“Please, what do you take me for?”
“Banner?”
“Nope.”
Coulson's eyes widened. “Romanoff?” he asked in surprise.
Skye smiled at him; no, Skye positively beamed at him. “Nope.”
“Who did I miss? That's it, for now anyway. Just the six of them.”
Her face suddenly became serious and without warning, she stepped into his private space and laid her hand on his chest, over the scar that had killed him. “Seven, Coulson. You always forget yourself. Do you remember what Fury said? About the Tahiti project only being used to revive Avengers? That's why he used it on you.”
“You...you have me...on your underwear?” Coulson asked, his brain barely functioning.
Skye nodded, then wondered if she was wrong about things and pulled away, but he stopped her. “Are you...freaked out?”
“Surprised, sure, but not freaked out. In fact....” He smirked. “I want to see. To make sure you're telling me the truth.”
Skye grinned as she leaned in to kiss him. “Private showing can be arranged.
FIN