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“What is that?” Renjun peered from Mark’s shoulder while the older was scavenging through his belongings, causing Mark to lightly jump in surprise. He was holding a small notebook with a thin cover that had a random doodle of Earth and a speech bubble of few words written beside it.
Mark quickly shoved the notebook in the box where it was initially placed. He stammered as he asked Renjun what was his business here in Mark’s space when he’s supposed to be packing his own things. College graduation is days away and they are about to leave their college dorm where they stayed for several years. Seems like yesterday he just moved in with a foreign guy named Huang Renjun, who eventually made his college years a bit tolerable and surely memorable.
Or, at least, that’s how Mark felt.
Years of pining over his roommate, it brings a slight crack in his heart upon reminiscing everything. Some might think he had all the time to confess or even try to show his feelings to Renjun—why didn’t he do it? And even if he did, what would happen afterwards?
The same question lingered in Mark’s head from the moment he realized he’s in love with his roommate. Renjun became his best friend which further complicated the situation because Renjun was so clear of his platonic intentions and nothing more. Renjun was good at that; setting boundaries and putting up his walls when he needed to.
Or, at least, that’s what Mark believed.
When Renjun noticed the familiar notebook Mark kept in his belongings, he didn't say a word as he sat in the balcony, staring up at the clear skies as if he were genuinely appreciating this as one of their final days together. In fact, it is actually their last week of seeing each other. Renjun is bound to return to his homeland after college, leaving Mark behind in Seoul as he continues his journey as an aspiring writer.
Minutes passed and none of them uttered a single word, Renjun broke the silence with a heavy sigh, his eyes still darted across the blue skies. Mark then joined him, sitting a few inches away. While Renjun looked up to the horizon, Mark’s eyes were glued on the ground, lips pursed and heart racing. They sat there silently, as if they understood what the other wanted to say. Renjun felt the heavy atmosphere and so did Mark.
“I tried my best to stop pursuing my feelings for you, Jun.” Mark was the one who spoke first. He avoided eye contact and maintained his gaze on the ground with his heavy breathing. “You were clear with your boundaries. I was the one who took the leap over the line but believe me when I tell you I tried to stop.”
Not a single word came out of Renjun’s lips but it formed a remorseful smile instead. He took a deep breath before letting his heart finally take over his mouth.
“I wish you never tried, though.” Mark was already looking back at him as he gently turned to face him. Renjun’s heart sank when he realized how hard it must be for Mark to hear just now that he actually could have done everything he wanted all this time. That they had the chance to leap over the line together, that they both actually wanted the same thing.
Mark glanced away to fight back the tears that were beginning to form in the corners of his eyes. He couldn’t find the right words to say, how could he? It’s like tons of weight were shoved down his throat, preventing him from speaking. His thoughts were all tangled, baffled by the sudden realization. Unconsciously, Mark’s hands formed into a fist, consistently fighting the urge to break down in front of Renjun. He closed his eyes and tried to recollect himself.
Renjun noticed this. He thought of apologizing but he felt it was unnecessary now that Mark is beside him, literally close to crying out his heart. So instead of saying sorry, once again, Renjun lets his heart speak.
“You were good to me, Mark. Too good that I know I can’t be the right person to receive that kind of love as of now.” Renjun gently held Mark’s hand and gave it a light squeeze as if he’s reassuring him, it’s the least he thought he could do. “Know that I’m always thankful that I met you. You were the greatest thing that has ever happened to me for the past years.”
The door knocked as if on cue, and when it opened, their batchmate was there, calling for them. Mark didn’t waste time standing up, collecting his stuff and quickly walking away without saying another word to Renjun.
That was the last time they saw each other. Graduation happened and Renjun expected to see Mark but there were no signs of him. Even his seat was empty which made Renjun worry. However, he didn’t have time to further check up on Mark as he had prior plans of going home afterwards. The last thing Renjun wanted to happen is to leave with a heavy heart, yet it still happened and all he could do is to ask himself the ‘what if’s’ Mark had yearned to answer for the past years.
Mark had his time of waiting and now, it’s Renjun’s turn to do the same.
They say if it’s worth the wait, then it is love. Nothing is more valuable than the time someone had to wait despite the uncertainties they experienced. It’s a commitment nothing could ever suffice. Something that Renjun never expected he’d do but here he is, waiting for his queueing number to be called amidst the long line of people.
Or, at least, waiting to see a familiar face he had longed for so long ever since their college graduation. Several years have passed yet Renjun remains with a lot of unanswered questions, something that he could have had if he wasn’t such a coward back then.
He held tight onto the book he was holding which has a title of ‘The Pursuit of Tomorrows’ on it—a novel which he’s personally fond of, given that the author has a special place in his heart.
When it was his turn, Renjun felt his world colliding on the ground. His hands were trembling as he slowly approached the man seated on the far table. Renjun stood in front of Mark who didn’t spare him a single glance and instead focused on signing the book first. Mark was clearly minding his own business and completely unaware of Renjun’s presence.
Without looking at the person in front of him, Mark asked what was their favorite passage from his book. Renjun thought Mark might have forgotten about him already so cleared his throat and began to speak.
“We tend to only accept the love we think we deserve and that opens the void of unanswered questions. Tomorrow might have had the answers if only we had the courage to take a leap over the lines of boundaries.” With a shaky voice, Renjun responded and that was when Mark also lifted his gaze upon hearing a familiar voice. Of course, he’d never forget Renjun’s voice nor everything about him.
The moment their eyes met, as cliché as it sounds, all they could do is to say,
“Hi, Mark.”
“Hi, Renjun.”
Their lips slowly formed into a smile—a genuine and fulfilling one. They shared the same glance as if they found what they’ve been yearning for. Renjun tried to speak but nothing came out of his mouth for he was too overwhelmed with the feeling of contentment while looking at Mark. Meanwhile, Mark was just plainly happy to see him again, as if everything that had happened were already buried six feet underground.
None of them spoke afterwards, they were simply looking at each other as if that’s their own way of communicating. Just as how it felt in the balcony of their former dorm, they carried the same sentiments from then until now with the same burden they’ve been wanting to put at ease.
“Did you finish the book?” Mark finally broke the silence between them, his smile still not fading even if he already broke eye contact.
Renjun nodded in response.
“Care to share your insights, then?”
When Renjun heard this, he pursed his lips and his smile grew wider as if he was waiting for this moment to happen. Indeed, he did wait for this to happen. So he gathered all the courage he had and once again, he let his heart speak.
“I’m willing to take a leap over the line if that’s what we need for us to finally have our answers. I hope you’re still willing to do the same.”
Mark shrugged his head, taken aback from what he heard. Then, he looked at Renjun intently and said, “Took you long enough to finally let your heart speak.”
And suddenly, it felt like they were 18 year-olds again, but this time, they took a leap of faith.