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Seans fingers dug into the dirt. It was dry and he could feel it pressing underneath his nails. He loosened his grip and the muscles in his arm relaxed. Feeling the ground let him know he was still there. Here he sat, the last one at the bonfire, on the ground propped up by his arms. Here he sat, quietly sobbing, watching the fire weakly flicker and crackle.
It all felt overwhelming sometimes. The loneliness. He had Daniel and he was thankful for that every day. Sean just missed his old life. So much. He missed when his only worry was getting caught smoking with Lyla. He missed listening to music while drawing or just lying in bed. Most of all he missed his dad.
“Qué hago, papa? Enséñame como ayudarle a mi hermanito. No puedo hacerlo sin ti,” He looked up to the stars as if they’d give him and answer. They just shone back like always. He wanted so badly to get up and go back to his tent but it just wasn’t often he allowed himself moment like this. He and Daniel just had to keep moving at all times and for him that meant shutting off his feelings to cope. He had to be strong for his little brother no matter what. Right now he just wanted to rip apart the painful ache in his chest. He felt so helpless.
“Hey, sweetie. You waiting to spot a bear or somethin?” Finns ever relaxed voice caused Sean to look up. There was Finn, making his way out of his tent, appearing to have not even gone to bed after he’d left the bonfire. How long ago that had been Sean couldn’t say, but he’d figured it had been a while. Enough time for Sean to have spiraled after being left with his own thoughts for too long. Sean couldn’t bring himself to answer yet. Finn settled on the ground next to him and spoke again.
“Haircut wasn’t too bad was it?” Finns head tilted to the side, looking at Seans hair. No. The haircut wasn’t the problem. It was himself he felt was the problem. Again he missed his cue to say something.
“Talk to me, Sean,” Finns arms wrapped around his legs loosely as his gaze turned up to the night sky. The way he said it made Seans heart thump. He wasn’t sure what about that struck him as so gentle. It wasn’t uncaring. It wasn’t judgmental. It wasn’t the beer either. It felt so honest. It made him want to spill his soul to Finn.
“Do you ever have regrets? Like… You feel like you’re failing at the one thing you’re supposed to be doing right?” Sean started, struggling to get the words out with the sharp pain in his throat. He glanced at Finn who didn’t hesitate with a reply.
“Course I do. We all got regrets, sweetie. Lord knows I got my fair share. But I don’t dwell on em y’know? Worrying about my past regrets now wouldn’t fix anything. Bad shit happens, you just gotta keep going,” Finn said. Somehow Sean knew Finn would say something like this but it didn’t upset him. Somehow the familiarity was more comforting. He nodded.
“Do you think… that I’m a bad person?” Another stupid question and he knew it.
“Bad and good… They’re all stupid labels anyway. Arbitrary rules and all that. Who decides all that shit? Bad and good, right and wrong. None of it matters, Sean,” Finn shrugged nonchalantly. Even though it wasn’t a direct answer, Sean knew exactly what he’d meant.
“I… I’m just tired of hurting people Finn. Lyla. My grandparents. Sometimes my brother too. And I don’t know if I wanna make things right. Maybe it’s better for some people to just. Let me go. Leave me believing I’m some… self-obsessed asshole. If they leave then I can’t hurt them again,” Sean rambled through tears illuminated by the dying glow of the fire until Finns hand reached towards his face and wiped his tears with a thumb.
“Hey man… You’re trying your god damn best. That’s all anybody could ever ask of you,” Finn replied after a moment, putting his hand on Seans shoulder reassuringly. “For what it’s worth, you probably ain’t as self-obsessed as you think you are. Your friends and family probably don’t think that badly of you either. We all just gotta look out for ourselves out here. Hell, you’ve gotta do it while raising your little bro too. Now thats fuckin’ impressive.”
“Thanks. I never know if I’m doing right with Daniel. I just want to keep him safe,” Sean said softly, resting his head on Finns shoulder sleepily. Sleeping became difficult on the run and paranoia often kept him awake. Now he was fading in and out but the smell of wood shavings and marijuana on Finn’s jacket felt safe. Through the fuzziness of his tipsy state and mental exhaustion, he hoped Finn knew how much Sean trusted him.
“Haha. I hear you. You and your brother are some of the strongest city boys I ever met. Nobody said raising a hella cool brother like Daniel was easy but I think you’re doin all you can. He’ll come back round to you Sean, you just gotta keep lookin out for each other. Things’ll work out for y’all, I can feel it,” Finn said affectionately. Finn didn’t get up for a minute, simply taking in the stars and trees and the tired boy on his shoulder. Eventually he gave Sean a gentle shake and helped him to his tent.
“Please stay, Finn,” Sean pleaded languidly from where he now lay on his sleeping bag. Finn stopped at the entrance of the tent where he’d been about to leave and looked back. Sean looked at him through half-lids. It was clear he wanted to say more but could barely stay awake.
“Don’t go,” Sean’s words trailed off into unconsciousness. Finn could have left then and Sean wouldn’t have noticed a thing, but that was never in the cards. He happily took up the spot between Sean and Daniel.
“I’m not goin’ anywhere, sweetie,” He said with a soft smile.
The next morning Finn woke up being crushed by the two sleeping Diaz brothers. Not an ideal way to wake up but he wouldn’t trade them for the whole world.