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Chris shouldn’t feel bad about it. He shouldn’t. If he can respect his friends’ beliefs and values, they should offer him the same courtesy— plain and simple. He shouldn’t feel like his heart is falling to his stomach every time someone gives him those pitying stares and tries to tell him what he should want for his life. He shouldn’t feel doubt creeping into his mind when his mother excitedly and wistfully talks about attending her son’s wedding someday, about the planning and the colors and the whole shebang. And he really shouldn’t feel like his insides are threatening to make an appearance in the outside world with every playful suggestion, smirk, nudge, or quip.
“So when is he gonna put a ring on that finger of yours, eh?” Most likely never.
“Hey, I call dibs on Best Woman!” Not for me.
“Am I going to get a Save The Date in my mailbox anytime soon?” Sorry, no.
Everywhere Chris goes, he is bombarded with judgement, with whispers and stares, with assumptions. Yes, he thinks it’s incredible that everyone in the United States now has the option to marry whomever they would like to. The fact that the country has come this far in his lifetime is a beautiful, beautiful thing. But that’s the thing— it’s an option. He loves his life, loves his family, loves his boyfriend, loves the amazing career opportunities that he has been awarded. He just doesn’t want to get married. He’s happy. It shouldn’t bother him.
Growing up, he never thought that he would have the chance to be where he is today. He couldn’t imagine that he would win a Golden Globe and that he would meet the love of his life at just twenty years old. Never in his wildest dreams did he picture himself as the author of a New York Times Best-Selling children’s series, that he would get to work with some of the most decorated actors in Hollywood history, that he would write, produce, and star in a movie that he is immensely proud of. Chris Colfer thought that he was doomed to spend eternity in that shitty town, to live in fear and denial of his true self, to never truly feel whole.
It is true that he still feels like an outsider. He feels like he was placed in a crowded room where every individual has formed their own caricature version of him, his feelings, and expects him to live up to their expectations. He feels misunderstood. He feels like he has to hide what he truly feels, what he imagines for himself, because he doesn’t ever want to let people down. When you combine that with the pressures that he places on himself, it is a recipe for disaster.
Not many people really understand. When he first told his best friend that he didn’t want to get married, she replied with a confused look, then a fit of laughter.
“Of course you do!” she had said, chuckling to herself. “Maybe you just haven’t found the right guy yet!” He had forced a smile on his face and muttered “Yeah, maybe,” not wanting to start an argument.
When he told his mother, she responded in the same way that most of the older folks tend to do. “I felt the same way before I met your father,” she had said, shaking her head. “It’s just a phase.” And it repeated. Throughout his circle of friends, they all had similar reactions, telling him that he didn’t know what he wanted, that marriage is just something that everyone does so he should too, that it’s disgraceful for him to not want to get married after “his people” fought for their right for so long.
When he told Darren, it wasn’t pretty. It was about a year into their relationship, but Chris still hadn’t gathered up the courage to express how he felt about it. But, as all things tend to do, it came to a head.
~~~
Chris unlocked the door to Darren’s apartment, balancing the Thai take-out boxes to prevent them from spilling. He wanted to surprise him, as they had both been very stressed lately and were up to their eyes in deadlines, events, and meetings. It was difficult, but Chris was able to clear his schedule for the night so he could get some time in with Darren on his night off. As he stepped through the threshold and shut the door, Darren came shuffling up, looking as though he had just woken up from a nap— typical.
“Wha- Chris?” he slurred, smiling in recognition. “What time- why are you… How-”
Chris grinned, holding out the boxes of food in front of him. “To answer your questions, it’s 7pm, I cleared my schedule, and I came bearing Thai.” He walked past his stupefied boyfriend, placing the leaking boxes on the counter. He quickly gathered some plates, a few napkins, and set them up, retreating to the kitchen to find some wine glasses and the bottle of Chardonnay he stashed in the fridge last week. As he was pulling the bottle out, he felt arms wrapping around him and a weight settle on his shoulder, making his heart pick up speed. He turned his head slightly, taking in the still-sleepy expression on Darren’s face.
Darren breathed in deeply, tightening his arms around Chris’ middle. “God, Thai food and wine? You sure know how to treat a guy, Colfer.”
Chris shut the fridge and spun around, resting his free hand on Darren’s cheek. “Well, I don’t know about God. I actually prefer the title ‘Lord’ or ‘The Almighty’.” Chris smirked, rubbing his thumb along Darren’s cheekbone. “I should also mention that I brought some chocolate cake for dessert.”
Darren groaned, letting his head fall forward against Chris’. “I love you so much, marry me, oh my god—” Alert, Chris straightened up and wriggled out of Darren’s grasp, losing control of his breathing. He carefully placed the wine bottle on the counter and headed to the couch, sitting down with a thud.
“Uh, Chris?” he heard Darren say, appearing in front of him a few seconds later. “Fuck, was that- was that too soon? Shit, I’m sorry, you know I have no filter when I’m sleepy which is like, all the time, and I just—”
Chris took a deep breath, lifting his head to look at his boyfriend. “I think we should break up.”
He watched as Darren’s eyes widened in fear, his eyebrows drawing together, watched as the older man gulped and strained out a distressed “What?”
Chris huffed out a breath, shaking his head to himself. “Stupid, I’m so stupid, I should have known that you would want that, we’re obviously on different paths in our lives, shit, why didn’t I say something earlier…,” he muttered, and then gathered up his courage. “I don’t want to get married.”
Darren relaxed visibly, releasing a short laugh as he seemed to come to a realization. “Of course you don’t want to, Chris. Fuck, it’s way too early to be thinking about that anyway,” Darren smiled, lacing his fingers with Chris’. “I mean, yeah in the future, I would fucking love to marry you, but we are so young and honestly there’s no need to be rushing into these type of things. It’s just an expression, Chris, my real proposal will be like a million times better than that.”
Chris felt his anger bubbling up, encompassing his mind and taking over his body. And then he snapped. “No! There won’t be any proposals!” he yelled, taking back his hand and standing up. “Why won’t anybody ever fucking listen to me?”
Darren blinked, startled by the sudden outburst. “Chris, what?”
“I don’t want to get married. Not to you, not to anybody. I just don’t! Why can’t anybody get that in their fucking head?” Chris seethed, feeling his limbs start to shake with pure rage. “All of my life, I have been told that I have to get married, it’s just the way things are. I don’t want to! I am so fucking tired of people telling me that this is just a phase, and that I just have to meet the right person.”
Chris twisted his fingers together, trying to resist the urge to climb out of his skin. “It’s not something that can just change. I have always felt this way, I will always feel this way, so you better just leave now before it’s too late.”
Darren stood up and crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at Chris. “You might have told all of those people, Chris, but you never once told me. Don’t you think that I, of all people, had the right to know how you felt?”
Chris clenched his teeth and inhaled. “Of course you did, I know, rationally, that wasn’t exactly fair. I was just so…” he felt the anger release its grip on his brain, fear taking over. He let a moment pass, and then confessed. “I was- am- afraid of what you would say. I know how much you value family, and I understand if you just want to end it now. Obviously, I’m not what you want.”
Darren simply walked up to him and engulfed him in a hug. They stood there for about a minute, the only sound their stuttered breathing and thumping hearts. Darren pulled back and placed his hands on Chris’ face, forcing eye contact.
“Chris, look at me,” Darren breathed, grinning at Chris. “You are what I want. I don’t give a damn about what anyone else thinks. I’m in this for you, not for some paper from City Hall, not for the fucking tuxes or people prying their noses in where they don’t belong. I don’t need a ring to know that I love you more than I thought was humanly possible. You are my family, with or without that shit.” He leaned in and kissed him, soft and slightly wet from the tears that had slipped down Chris’ face unknowingly.
Chris felt his heart sing, emotion closing up his throat and taking his breath away. He pulled away and managed to croak out a feeble “For real?”, eyes searching Darren’s for any sign of doubt or deceit.
Darren smiled and nodded, slipping his hands down to Chris’ chest, and replied, “Absolutely”.
~~~
Chris shouldn’t feel bad. He really shouldn’t. He gets to wake up next to Darren and kiss him goodbye before they both go off to work. He gets to feel content in the knowledge that he is in a happy, stable, loving relationship, even without being married. He shouldn’t feel bad when people judge his partnership with Darren, when they express their distaste for their “lifestyle”, not being able to figure out if the person was homophobic or just rude. He shouldn’t feel bad, because he is in charge of his own life, and nothing and no one can tear him down.
He looks over at the sleeping man on the bed next to him, drool pooling under his cheek and curls frizzed up and knotted, beautiful as ever. He shouldn’t feel bad.
And he doesn’t.