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He tosses and turns, hearing the clock on the wall tick another minute by. Controlling the urge to pick his phone up yet again, Jeno sighs and lies flat on his back, staring at the ceiling peppered with the little, glow-in-the-dark stars they had put up just the month before. Donghyuck had refused to use a stepladder, claiming that the ceiling wasn’t that high up, especially if they climbed on the bed. True enough, it wasn’t – but only for Jeno. Poor Donghyuck, even on his tippy toes, could not stretch his fingers a few more centimeters for the life of him. The only logical solution would obviously be for Jeno to stick the stars on, but Donghyuck had pouted and expressed his disagreement - and who would Jeno be to refuse him? That was how Jeno ended up wrapping his arms around Donghyuck’s lower torso and giving him the little boost he needed, eventually losing his balance on the bed, which had led to the both of them falling backwards, banging the younger’s head on the headboard. Donghyuck, being the ever caring boyfriend, was losing it for a few minutes before looking up and seeing tears in Jeno’s eyes - and a pang of guilt hit him. Donghyuck immediately rushed over to cradle his poor bruising head and proceeded to laugh it all off, with Jeno starting to join in with half-sobs every now and then. The memory was painful but precious, and had settled in Jeno’s brain to be unlocked every time he glanced at the biggest star right in the middle of the ceiling.
It’s times like these when Jeno misses Donghyuck most, when he’s alone in the dark and there’re no arms encircling him. It’s been a few hours since his simple text, “how’d the concert go, baby?” had been marked as delivered, but he has yet to receive Donghyuck’s reply. Maybe I’m just overthinking it. Yeah, it’s perfectly reasonable! He has every reason not to reply to your text, stupid. He’s busy and tired. Go to sleep. A million thoughts run through his mind, sudden worry blooming in his chest. What if he’s hurt? Is he okay? What happened to him? It seems as though every new speculation that barrels into his head somehow is more ridiculous than the last. Against his better conscience, he lets it get to his head and finds himself starting to break into a sweat as he wonders for Donghyuck’s safety. He grabs his phone, almost dropping it off the bedside table in his hurry, and pulls up his messaging chat with Doyoung.
jenmoongie
hyung! sorry to bother u so late at night… r u still awake?
12:23am
doie hyung
of course! what do u need, little one
12:24am
jenmoongie
ah... it seems stupid now…
is donghyuck alright?
12:24am
doie hyung
as far as i know, hes right as rain
why? whats up
12:25am
jenmoongie
oh, haha, its just that he hasnt replied to my text and i was a little worried
sorry hyung, u can go rest now i know ure tired :)
12:25am
doie hyung
baby, u worry too much sometimes
ill tell him to reply u, alright? u should rest too
12:25am
jenmoongie
its fine, u dont have to do that for me
sleep well hyung
12:26am
doie hyung
too late haha i just called him
he was gaming with mark lol
12:28am
jenmoongie
oh hahaha okay
goodnight hyung
12:28am
He lets out a sigh of relief, knowing Donghyuck is perfectly fine and well, but at the same time, a piece of his heart shatters. Deep down, he had suspected the other was off with Mark, but having just confirmed it still feels like a jolt to the heart. It’s a feeling that hasn’t subsided for a while.
jenmoongie
how’d the concert go, baby?
7:14pm
haech <3
sorry i forgot to reply, i was busy with mark
it was fine though, thank u for checking up on me
12:30am
jenmoongie
its okay, sweetheart
get lots of rest, i know ure tired. dont game too much
also, sorry for doyoung hyung :| i was a lil worried about u just now
12:31am
haech <3
mhm. its okay
dont sweat it
12:33am
jenmoongie
r u free to call for a while?
idk, i just wanna hear ur voice for a bit before we sleep
12:33am
haech <3
sorry, m a little busy rn
maybe tmrw?
12:37am
jenmoongie
oh okay then
sleep well, love you
12:37am
haech <3
night
12:40am
Jeno shakes off a slight sense of dissatisfaction and ignores the wave of uneasiness that washes over him as he sets his phone back on the bedside table and snuggles into his duvet, trying to find warmth in the big, empty bed, which seems to lack exactly that. Maybe he’ll just sleep it off. It’ll be better in the morning, wouldn’t it? His phone suddenly pings with a notification, and out of instinct, he reaches for it unconsciously. The bright screen reads a post notification from Donghyuck’s Instagram account. Curious, he swipes right and unlocks the app, a selfie filling his screen. “gaming with mark hyung is lame cos hes really bad at it hahaha but hes the only one who tolerates me at this hour. love u,” the caption reads. Jeno stares at the damn post for a few minutes, ingraining the picture of Mark and Donghyuck grinning and holding their controllers up at the camera into his brain. He feels the whole spectrum of emotions at that very moment, but he can’t exactly put his finger on which exactly is the most prominent. Disappointment? Jealousy? Indignance? Once again, he hears the thoughts rush into his mind, telling him he’s not good enough for Donghyuck, that he’s not enough for Donghyuck. Why would Donghyuck settle for him when he has Mark? When he has Renjun? When he has Jaemin? Jeno sighs, knowing the night is proving to be long and sleepless. His brain gets too damn loud at times. He switches the phone ringer off and places it on the bedside table yet again before burrowing deeper in his covers. It’s whatever, right? Who needs sleep when you’ve got your insecurities to haunt you anyway.
Half-past midnight your half-assed texts make sure
I keep crawlin' back for more
Know you didn't, but I'm hoping you lost your phone
Prolly with her but I'll act like I didn't know
I can't let it show, I want nothing more than to call you up
The next time Jeno talks to Donghyuck is right before the latter boards his flight back home. Jeno wishes he could have texted him more during his tour, but he wasn’t really ready to face the same heartache he did that night. For the remainder of the 5 stops Donghyuck had left, Jeno had busied himself with … himself. Or at least, he tried to. He went to the gym religiously, sometimes dragging Jaemin along, gamed with Jisung and read books he had never picked up before. To his dismay, no matter what he did, his thoughts would always drift back to Donghyuck. His bike rides often resulted in frantic phone calls from Jaemin, asking where he was - Jeno had spaced out and his feet had taken him somewhere else - he hadn’t won a single game against Jisung and he wouldn’t be able to tell you the plot of any of those books even if you gave him a thousand dollars. On nights his mind was full of his evasive boyfriend, he couldn’t even go on bike rides along Han River to distract himself. Instead, he found himself hailing taxis to the company building, occupying whichever practice room was free and dancing his worries away. Jeno wasn’t dumb; no, not in the very least. He knew there was a strain in their relationship. He wasn’t sure when exactly it started, or maybe, when he started noticing it. Maybe it was the distance. The two often spent time apart, aside from practices with Dream. They lived in different dorms, and Donghyuck had more schedules with 127, so naturally it was hard for them to spend time together. When preparations for his tour started, Donghyuck’s schedule was way too packed for him to squeeze some time in for Jeno. Of course, they tried to meet up or contact one another in any free pockets of time, but it grew increasingly hard for Donghyuck, who was exhausted on his end. Jeno empathised with him - of course he would, he’s gone through packed schedules too - and gave him space. The Jeno now, looking back, regrets that maybe just a little bit, thinking that he should have at least gone to visit more and cheer him on. To think of it, it’s been a few months since the two have properly been in each other’s presence. Jeno sighs. He misses his boyfriend.
jenmoongie
hey, your tour ended yesterday right? :)
2:00pm
haech <3
yeahhhhhh it did
we’re on our way to the airport rn
2:02pm
jenmoongie
oh thats good to hear
Text me when u land in korea. do u want me to pick u up?
2:03pm
haech <3
no its fine
ill see u when i get back
2:04pm
jenmoongie
okay ily
2:04pm
haech <3
yeah
2:05pm
Ouch. That one hurt.
He took a while to think whether he should just go and surprise him at the airport, but his inner conscience told him no. The logical side of him told him Donghyuck might be angry that he came despite telling him no, and the last thing their relationship needed was a fight. But the emotional side of him knew he wasn’t mentally ready to see Donghyuck face to face and confirm his suspicions. He’ll just wait for Donghyuck to contact him instead. Spoiler alert: Donghyuck doesn’t. He waits and waits, but Donghyuck doesn’t.
Tryna find where your head is
But I'm losing myself in the process
You're bad for my health
All the good nights
Are they hidden goodbyes in disguise?
I never know
Even with Donghyuck back in Korea, communication doesn’t prove to be any easier for the couple. Donghyuck takes a few days by himself to hibernate in the 127 dorms while Jeno mopes around in Dream’s. Jeno’s wallowing in his self pity party doesn’t go unnoticed, fortunately. Renjun takes it upon himself to bring Jeno out for a treat and hopefully lessen the weight on his shoulders, even if just a little. After a few coaxes, Renjun manages to get Jeno out of bed and into presentable clothes, and they make their way to the nearby Hai Di Lao Jeno knows he frequents with Chenle. The staff working there seem to recognise them, and for a moment Jeno panics, realising he looks absolutely terrible and oh my god am i about to get dragged online for not taking care of myself on days off before he clocks that they’re just waving hi to their regular customer, or Mr Huang, as they call out fondly. Renjun nods back a friendly grin in return as he leads the way to a more secluded corner in the back of the restaurant, sliding in comfortably onto the seat as he gestures for Jeno to sit across him. They sit in silence, waiting for one of the staff to finish filling their broth up, and Jeno fiddles with his thumbs awkwardly, dreading yet awaiting the nagging that he acknowledges is long overdue. Surprisingly, no lecture ever starts out of Renjun’s mouth. He hears a sigh, and he slowly looks up to see a concerned face staring back at him. “Jeno-ya…” the shorter breathes out softly, “What’s going on?” Jeno says nothing, keeping his eyes glued to the table. Oh wow, is this mahogany? Maybe oak, man I should get into woodwork – his rambling thoughts suddenly get cut off by the feeling of a comforting hand on his own. “Is something going on with Donghyuck?”
And just like that, the dam breaks.
The past few weeks, Jeno had tried so hard not to let his emotions show. He tried so damn hard, he really did. He avoided the others in the living room and kept to himself in the solace of his own room as much as he could. Busied himself with frivolous activities in an attempt to shut any thoughts of Donghyuck out of his own mind, and for the most part, it worked. But now, now that Renjun’s opened the mental barrier he so painstakingly tried to keep upright, he feels the weight of his relationship gush down on him. For the first time in weeks, he truly allows himself to feel. The overwhelming sense of disappointment, insecurity, loss, and guilt floods him and he startles as he feels tears prickle at his eyes. He looks up to Renjun pleadingly, as if a silent cry for help, and even Renjun himself appears taken aback when he sees the tell-tale sheen glistening over Jeno’s eyes. He quickly shifts his chair to be at his side and shields him from the potential prying eyes of the public, patting him soothingly as soft sobs wrack Jeno’s body. All the pent-up misery he’s been hiding comes out ten-fold in the form of tears cascading down his cheeks, evident even through the way he covers his face with his palms.
They stay in this cradling position for a while, the older waiting patiently for Jeno’s cries to subside. When he deems him ready to be let go of, Renjun slowly removes his hand from where it resided between Jeno’s shoulder and back and raises his tear-streaked face to check on him. “I’m sorry,” Jeno chokes out, “I didn’t mean to–” Renjun clicks his tongue in indignance, “What are you apologising for? Don’t be sorry for expressing your feelings.” He runs a hand through his hair, sighing, “If anything, I’m sorry for springing that on you all of a sudden. I feel bad you’re now practically covered in snot in public with people eating like, right next to us.” The bad joke seems to achieve its desired effect, seeing as Jeno chuckles through his sniffles. “God, that was so embarrassing. I’m never coming back here ever again,” Jeno mumbles. “Fat chance you’re not! You know damn well I’m bound to drag one of you, if not all of you down here soon again because Chenle keeps rejecting my offers. I blame it on his apartment. Or his dog.”
Erupting in giggles, the previous tense atmosphere is quickly abandoned. As if right on time, a staff delivers their food, to which Renjun all but devours not even the second the plate is set down on their table. “Woah, calm down, the food isn’t going anywhere,” Jeno laughs, picking up a roll of meat himself. “Yeah it’s not, but we need to talk and I’d rather not talk with my mouth full.” Jeno’s chopsticks halt for a split second right before his opened mouth. Right, he’d forgotten they’d have to talk about the… debacle that just happened. He gulps and swallows the meat down anyway. “So spill.”
Over their hearty meal, Jeno pours his heart out to his best friend. How Donghyuck’s been blowing him off, how he’s been feeling about Donghyuck blowing him off, how he’s been feeling this for a while now, and how he feels he’s no longer enough to satisfy the boy he once thought was his soulmate. “Before he left for the tour, I asked him out for a date and brought him to this super fancy fusion restaurant which was famed for its kimchi jjigae and he didn’t even touch it! He was on his phone the whole time, probably texting Mark or something, while his literal boyfriend and favorite food of all time were right in front of him. I was so taken aback that I was silent the rest of the night, and the worst part is, I don’t think he even noticed.” All the while, Renjun listens, nodding here and there, quipping in a snarky comment once in a while about how Jeno could’ve called him out for his behavior, but nonetheless supporting him through it all. “You know, I don’t want to take sides because you’re both my very close friends, but I have to say, he’s been kind of a dick to you lately,” he starts through a mouth of shrimp balls (to hell with speaking with his mouth full), “I understand being busy and all, but it’s not like he’s blowing you off for work, right? He’s off with somebody else, and he can’t even be honest about it half the time.” Jeno nods glumly. “Injun-ah,” Renjun gulps, knowing the government name only comes out when the other is being serious, “What should I do? I love him, I seriously do, but I don’t know if I can handle this sort of.. subtle.. is it even subtle anymore..? heartbreak anymore. Hell, I don’t even know if he still loves me.” Renjun frowns at that. “Hey, don’t say that. I’m sure you’re overthinking that – JUST that, to be clear. You’re just breaking yourself down because you’re in too deep at this point. I’m sure he still loves you, he just.. is kinda shit at showing it right now.” He digs his chopsticks through another shrimp ball. “I could be right though!” Jeno argues back, swallowing a spoonful of broth before continuing, “He hasn’t even been replying to my ‘love you’ texts recently, he just brushes them off to end the conversation.” At that, Renjun glances back up at him. His face, previously contorted with misery and desperation, now seems to be painted with indignance and annoyance. “Should I break up with him?” It feels like the world whirls to a stop for a moment, with the sound of chopsticks clattering down onto the table ringing through their ears, as Renjun can only stare at his shrimp ball bouncing off the table and onto the floor in horror as he processes the words his best friend just uttered.
“Are you serious right now?” He asks, eyes bulging out of its sockets, after he recovered from the initial shock. “I mean, at this point he’s probably going to want to break up with me too, right?” Jeno nonchalantly shrugs. “I’d much rather break up with someone than be broken up with.” He’s met with a blank stare. “Look, before this, I just held out hope that he’s probably just going through a rough patch or something. The wonders of compartmentalising, honestly. Ignorance is truly bliss,” leaving a bittersweet taste on his tongue, “But when I stepped back and genuinely talked to you about it, I think it made me realise I’m not overthinking this at all. The facts are laid out, bare and simple: he’s being a bad boyfriend to me and I should allow myself to feel that.” “Well, yeah,” Renjun sputters, “but does that mean the next immediate step is… um… breaking up? Like, have you truly thought it through? Or is this just your anger speaking? Because I know now you just feel annoyed and irritated that you’re being treated, frankly, like shit, and while I agree with you, don’t you think you should talk it out with him first?” Jeno’s silent. He’s silent for a while, and Renjun can quite literally see the thoughts running through his head. Jeno’s shoulders visibly deflate before he huffs out a sigh. “I hate when you make sense.”
Renjun lets out a relieved laugh, “No, you don’t. I know you love him, and I know the last thing you’d want is to let go of him. I just needed to calm you down; I think you forgot that I’m supposed to be the hotheaded one for a while there.” “Not the government-assigned persona!” “Oh YES the government-assigned persona.” “You’re crazy, like actually,” Jeno gasps between wheezes, “I’ve never seen someone lean into a company given image so much.” “Yeah, that’s because you have no other celebrity friends to observe. And also, I just like being able to yell at you guys so freely, and have it actually be encouraged,” Renjun shrugs easily. “Anyway, don’t change the subject, I know you think you’re so slick, Lee Jeno.” Jeno sighs, raising his hands in defeat. “Okay, okay, I’ll talk to him about it. Thanks, or whatever.” Renjun smiles devilishly, “Sorry, what was that? I didn’t quite catch that last part.” “Oh, shut up! You know damn well what I said,” Jeno chucks a vermicelli noodle in his vague direction. “Just for that, you’re paying. I think I’ve done enough by giving you relationship advice, and THIS is how you repay me?”
So instead I'll just call your bluff like
Fuck this charade enough is enough but no
Stick around even if it's just for the temporary show
Later that night, Jeno rolls around in his bed once again. He finds this to be a rather common occurrence lately, actually, many of his nights proving to be long and sleepless. The stupid, stupid bed, and its stupidly humongous duvet. Stupid, stupid pillows that are way too big. He opens his eyes, groaning as he blinks in the darkness. His eyes adjust to the mild light the star-speckled ceiling emits, reminiscing the nights he lay in bed, cuddled up in Donghyuck’s embrace as they gave the stars silly names. “That one can be Jimmy,” Donghyuck points to a star in the far corner. “Because I heard neutrons can resemble stars, or whatever – don’t quote me on that – and neutrons remind me of Jimmy Neutron.” “Okay,” Jeno softly giggles, running his hand through Donghyuck’s fried locks. “Your hair is absolutely terrible by the way.” Donghyuck swats his hand away and sits up, glaring back at his boyfriend. He clears his throat pointedly, obviously waiting for some sort of apology. Jeno laughs in his face, clearly thinking he looks absolutely adorable when he tries to act intimidating. Donghyuck huffs in faux offense, tackling Jeno in a tickle fight until the latter relents and apologises. “Sorry, sorry, I SURRENDER LET ME GO–” “Next time think twice before you insult my crispy ass hair.” “So you admit it yourself!” “Of course I do, it’s true.” “You’re unbelievable. Anyway, that one’s Zumaloonga.” He smiles fondly at the memory and thinks back to the conversation he had with Renjun. He’s grateful to the older, though he’d never admit it to his face, obviously. If he hadn’t talked him out of his anger-induced desire to break up with Donghyuck, he’d be filled with such an indescribable amount of regret at that very moment. He stops himself from his bittersweet reminiscing; it’s not like he can’t do anything to fix the situation they were in, right? Jeno nods to himself in affirmation, picking his phone up from the bedside table. It’s as if his fingers move on autopilot, swiping up and into the phone app. Before he’s even registered what he’s doing, he’s clicked on Donghyuck’s contact name and oh my god is his phone vibrating with the buzz of waiting for Donghyuck to pick up his FaceTime request? Oh my god oh my god it is and – “Hello?”
“Uh… hi?” “Jen, what are you doing? Why’d you randomly video call me?” “I, uh, I honestly don’t know.” All his previous determination and confidence had flown out the window the moment Donghyuck picked up, he honestly didn’t expect him to pick up, but he did, and now he doesn’t know what to do. “Hey, are you okay?” Jeno looks up into the bright glare of the phone screen, and it’s then that he truly notices how sickly he looks. His under-eyes are horrendously dark, his hair is all mussed from the constant tossing and turning, and his skin hasn’t been in the best condition since he hasn’t exactly had the chance to look after himself recently. Not to mention, the iPhone camera makes him look ten times worse than he actually does in real life. Damn you, Apple. “Um, not feeling too well recently I guess,” Jeno whispers hoarsely. Not exactly a lie. Donghyuck has the decency to at least appear concerned, his eyes rounding in worry. “Oh no, have you been taking your vitamins? You know how Mark gets about you guys staying healthy.” For a split second there, Jeno had allowed himself to regain his hope, that maybe, just maybe, he still cares, that Donghyuck would still drop it all just to be with his boyfriend. Maybe it would be just like last time, when Jeno had fallen ill right before one of 127’s comebacks, and Donghyuck ran out of practice just to be at his aid. All of that comes crashing down almost immediately, though, when the name “Mark” slips through the older’s lips. Right. Of course. His eyes droop even more than what he thought was humanly possible, which somehow doesn’t escape Donghyuck’s gaze. “Hey, are you still with me?” I don’t know, are you? “Hey Hyuck?” Jeno all but mumbles. Donghyuck hums in response. “I think the phone’s not making me feel much better, I’m probably just going to go to sleep now.” “Oh, okay,” Donghyuck breathes. “Get well soon.” “Yeah, bye.” Donghyuck falters, but he mutters back a soft, “Goodnight, Jeno”, and that’s all Jeno hears before he hangs up, sighs and groans into his pillow.
Now it's all guessing games I'm guessing every gaze
Like do you don't you would you even stay if you did
All I know is suddenly without you the bed feels too big
Somehow, Jeno wakes up the next day with hardened resolve coursing through his veins. He wasn’t lying when he said he hadn’t been feeling too well recently, so it’s half hardened resolve and half some random disease he isn’t too bothered about at this point. He picks up his phone, sighing at the blaring red in the battery percentage bar – damn it, why didn’t I charge it last night – before scrolling through his notifications, surprised to see a text from Donghyuck amongst them. His heart soars.
haech <3
rest well
you seemed super sick last night
6:03am
jenmoongie
yeah will do
thanks
9:34am
He sighs, disappointed. But hey, he texted first! That has to count for something, right? He exits their chat, about to leave the app completely, before he sees another notification on a separate chat. Curious, he clicks on the chat with his leader.
markle sparkle (hyung)
Jenooo dude
Haechannie told me you seemed sick
What did I tell you kids about eating your vitamins!!!
I sent a manager over with more, he’ll be there after we finish this schedule
I don’t know what illness you’re having so I also told him to pick up all sorts of medicine
Feel better soon Jeno :))
5:54am
Jeno reads the extensive message, a myriad of emotions scurrying through his brain. On one hand, this is the dude who’s been messing up his relationship. Then again, it’s not exactly like it’s HIS fault, he just happens to be the oblivious person his boyfriend keeps hanging out with. It’s not like Mark is purposely stealing Donghyuck away from him. Plus, he’s such a good guy! How can he hate him when he sent medicine and vitamins over just for him? He’s caring more for him than his own boyfriend. But the only way he even knew he was sick was through said boyfriend! “Ughhhhhh…” he groans. “It’s too early for this.” Jeno chucks his phone away from the bed, hearing it thud against the closet before it falls to the floor. He closes his eyes, willing for sleep to overcome him again, before the chaos of his relationship catches up to him. He feels tears prickle at his eyes and for the second time, lets them fall, this time all alone.
He wakes up to Jaemin shaking him by the shoulders. “Jeno-ya, I understand you’re going through something and I don’t want to pry, but,” he holds up Jeno’s phone, brandishing it accusingly, “Can you not leave your things on the floor? I almost stepped on it while walking in here.” Jaemin shakes his head, connecting the phone to the charger by his bed. “Also, it’s almost 1pm. Wake up, I made some breakfast earlier and it’s already cold.” Jeno stuffs his face deeper into the pillows, still wet from his tear streaks earlier. “Yes, Mom.” He hears a hiss and receives a slap to the butt. “I thought Renjun already staged an intervention for you yesterday, why are you still miserable?” Jaemin questions aloud. Jeno whips up from his position in bed, turning his head in indignance. “What?” “Oh relax, we were all just concerned about you and he decided to take matters into his own hands and told us to ‘trust him’. When you guys came back yesterday he looked pretty smug and told us to look forward to it, but frankly… I’m not seeing.. much?” Jaemin shrugs. “Look, he didn’t tell us anything you told him because he said it was personal and you’ll tell the rest of us if you want to in due time. We’re just worried, that’s all.” Jeno sighs, “I don’t know if I should be offended that you guys did this behind my back, but whatever, I’m dealing with too much right now. I’ll be out soon to eat the food, thanks by the way.” Jaemin’s gaze softens, glancing down at Jeno with sympathy. “Don’t sweat it. You’ll get through this, okay? We’re all here for you, whatever it is.” “Jisung included! I actually alerted the hyungs to your behavior, they barely noticed it, okay. Jisung is here for you too!” a voice suddenly sounded from past his door. Jeno cranes his neck to see behind Jaemin, and there Jisung is, his big head popped around the corner of his door frame. A smile cracks across Jeno’s face, wondering how he got so lucky with such friends. “Got it, Ji. Now get out of my room so I can prepare myself to function like a human being,” he pushes Jaemin by the small of his back and waits for the door to close once more before picking his phone up again. The sudden cheers of support from his beloved members seem to have done the trick of making him feel tons better.
jenmoongie
hey would u mind dropping by later?
12:55pm
haech <3
oh u caught me right on break
what for?
12:55pm
jenmoongie
.. cos ur bf is sick
12:56pm
haech <3
oh i mean
uh yeah okay
sorry i just thought it was gonna be for something important
not saying ure not important
just
u know what im gonna stop talking
12:57pm
jenmoongie
Ok..
12:57pm
haech <3
no u know what i mean
Like i thought it was gonna be something else or like
U know
12:58pm
jenmoongie
hyuck, just come over
stop talking its not that big of a deal
12:59pm
haech <3
.. okay
sorry
i gtg
1:00pm
jenmoongie
k, gd luck
1:00pm
He wonders if Donghyuck realises the distance he’s been trying to put between them, and he wonders if Donghyuck notices the recent lack of ‘love you’s he’s been sending. Honestly, he wonders if he cares anymore. He puts his phone down, stretches, and walks out of his room to be greeted with the sight of Jaemin reheating his pancakes for him.
The doorbell rings later in the evening, and opens to reveal Mark, Donghyuck, and a manager hauling bottles of vitamins and medicine. “Kids, Mom and Dad are back!” Mark bellows into the hallway, the smile on his face audible in his voice. Jeno, in his room, scowls at the connotation that statement carries, and a quick, fleeting thought of “Why is Mark here?” passes through his mind before he walks out of his room to greet his boyfriend and leader. “Jenooo!” both boys sound, one much more lilted than the other. “Are you OK?” Mark asks, scrunching his cheeks and checking his temperature before Jeno scoffs and swats his hand away. “I’m not a kid, hyung, it’s just a slight cold,” he whines. “Okay, you big baby. No need to get all grumpy on me,” Mark laughs, stepping away to greet Jisung who’s just emerged from the toilet. “I asked him to come along in case you were really really sick and I didn’t know what to do,” Donghyuck explains from his side, “And also he just misses the guys.” Jeno presses his lips into a thin line, “Yeah, I can see that.” with his eyes skimming over the sight of Mark ruffling Jisung’s hair and cooing over Renjun’s fresh-out-of-a-nap state. “Sooo… I mean it looks like you’re recovering well? Seeing as you’re out and about, I mean,” Donghyuck starts awkwardly. Jeno glances over to his boyfriend, slight disappointment mirrored in his features. “Yeah, I guess.” “Ah, good, good…” Donghyuck trails off, unsure what to say. “Look, about today afternoon –” “Hey, it’s whatever. Slip of the tongue or whatever, right?” Jeno dismisses him with a wave, watching as Mark pounces on Jaemin, who’s busy trying to hold his phone upright to connect to Chenle through FaceTime. “MY SON!” Chenle booms once Mark’s face can be clearly made out through the screen, to which Mark replies “DAD!” in similar fashion. Renjun shakes his head behind Jaemin’s outstretched hand. “Yeah. Uh, right,” Donghyuck mumbles. Jisung stumbles up to them, a mess of his lanky legs, and drags his hyungs over to ditch their awkward conversation (if you can even call it a conversation) for a precious short video call with all their members present.
The 127 manager draws them back to reality after a while of catching up and bickering, reminding Mark and Donghyuck of their early schedule the next day with a tap to his wristwatch. “Looks like we have to go, kiddos,” Mark smiles, “Don’t miss us too much while we’re gone!” “Not gonna be a problem, dude,” Chenle scoffs through Jaemin’s phone, “I live alone, and I miss none of you.” “Rude,” Jaemin scrunches his nose in faux indignation. “You won’t say that the next time you invite me over for wine-tasting,” Renjun pipes up from his spot on the couch. “Okay, whatever,” Chenle guffaws, before starting in a sing-songy voice, “Hey, if the two of you are going, doesn’t that mean Jeno hyung has to bid goodbye to his beloved?” Renjun and Jeno still, and the four who actually live in the dorm manage some sort of four-way eye contact. While Jaemin and Jisung were still largely unaware of what exactly happened, they had their own theories. “Uh…” “Oh my god, come to think of it, isn’t this the first time you guys met in a while? We’ve been so busy lately,” Mark sounds. “C’mon, I don’t think any of us saw a romantic gesture when we came in. Give us a romantic gesture to leave! Be like Romeo and Juliet, or something.” “You want them to die premature, avoidable, stupid deaths?” Jaemin awkwardly laughs. “You know what I mean. C’mon, kiss or something! For the rest of us who are unfortunately single and have no chance of being romantic,” Mark grumbles under his breath. Donghyuck and Jeno exchange brief eye contact, knowing damn well they haven’t done anything romantic for each other the past few months even in private, let alone in front of others. “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” Mark chants, soon joined in by Chenle, and even Jisung, who seemingly has theorised wrongly. Donghyuck looks to Jeno with apprehension, back to Mark with a wistful expression, and back to Jeno. He approaches Jeno with slight hesitation in his heels, flipping the other boys off, before he kisses the other square on the lips.
There’s no spark, no fluttering feeling, no butterflies in Jeno’s stomach. He has no time to even place his hands on Donghyuck’s cheeks, no time to try to kiss him back, before Donghyuck detaches himself from him and wipes his mouth. From what, Jeno thinks. There wasn’t even anything exchanged. “Enough for you disgusting perverts?” Donghyuck jokes, his smile not reaching his eyes. “No, boo, you guys suck,” Chenle jabs, “Get out of here, that was so lame.” Renjun chuckles nervously, clapping his hands together as he stands and pushes Mark and Donghyuck to the door, where their manager has already been waiting. “Yeah, what he said!” he tries lamely, “Bye, you guys, see you when we see you.” Mark looks back at the four left in the dorm, Chenle already having hung up, and sends them a confused smile. “Okay, take care of yourselves!” “You too, hyung,” Jisung quietly mumbles. The second the door closes behind them, Jeno crumples to the floor, and the remaining three crowd around his crying body.
You come see me only when I ask first
When you kiss me do you wish it were her
The best at being the worst
Jeno doesn’t remember much after that. What he does remember, is Jaemin cradling his limp body as he shakes in his embrace, Renjun patting his back soothingly and Jisung… being kind of a blur. He’s not too sure what Jisung was doing. The next thing he knows, he’s curled up in a soft, fuzzy blanket from Jaemin’s room, clutching a ceramic mug filled with warm water in between the younger two. Renjun sits worriedly at the edge of the couch, a hand resting on Jeno’s knee, tapping rhythmically. It’s silent, save for the occasional sniffle coming from the man of the hour. The youngest breaks the silence first, clearing his throat and awkwardly going, “So… are we gonna talk about what happened, or…”
Renjun shoots him a glare. “We’ll talk when he wants to talk.” Jisung gulps, shuffling around in his position on the couch, sending fleeting glances to Jaemin for help. The latter avoids his desperate gaze, unwilling to come in between them when he knows how overprotective Renjun gets, especially when it comes to his best friend. “I don’t really want to talk about it,” Jeno tiredly mutters, barely audible over the silence that envelops them all. Now it’s his turn to be shot with a murderous glare from their acting oldest. “So it seems we’ll be talking now,” Renjun quips. “Do you want me to fill them in instead?”
Jeno simply nods.
Jaemin is fuming by the end of it. Jisung’s mouth is wide open in disbelief, unwilling to believe his Haechan hyung would “do something so diabolical and mean and… and… well you get the point!” “So you mean to tell me,” Jaemin starts slowly, “That Hyuck has been basically emotionally cheating on Jeno?” “Well, I wouldn’t call it emotional cheating –” Jeno is cut off by an enraged Renjun, who seems to be furious on his behalf. The shorter had somehow became increasingly heated as he recounted the details to his members. “No, actually, I would call it exactly like that. How could we be so blind? He clearly likes Mark now.”
Jeno’s heart sinks. He had his suspicions, but he had sincerely hoped for them to be untrue. He had deceived himself, slowly but surely, convincing himself that he was just busy, he was hanging out with Mark because it was convenient, he was just becoming emotionally unavailable. It wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t, it couldn’t be! Now that they’re out in the open, now that Jaemin insinuated – no, explicitly stated – he would do anything to unhear those words. He just wanted to believe perhaps they fell out of love, maybe they just weren’t meant to be, not.. not that he started falling for someone else. That would have meant that he wasn’t enough for Donghyuck, that he couldn’t give him what he was looking for in a relationship, that he wasn’t a good enough boyfriend. Without warning, tears well up in his eyes amidst his friends’ bickering and ranting. He wipes them away with his sleeve swiftly, not wanting to draw any more attention to himself. To his dismay, even more tears start at the corners of his eyes, and this time, he’s too tired to hold it in. Jisung’s the first to notice him crying again, with a worried, “Hyung!”, alerting the other two to their motionless friend. He looks numb, unmoving on the couch, the only sign of life being the tears springing from his eyes like a waterfall. “Oh dear, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” Jaemin rushes to comfort him, as Renjun gets up from his spot on the floor to grab a packet of tissues. He thrusts the tissues into Jeno’s hands, only to receive no response, to which he simply moves to wipe his tears himself. Jisung sits quietly, silently slipping his hand into one of Jeno’s, and moves their hands to his lap. He shushes his hyungs, gently pushing them away from Jeno, and pulls the older to him. He says nothing, simply rests the older’s head onto his shoulder and embraces him. Running his free hand over Jeno’s back, he whispers, “It’s okay, hyung, just let it all out.” Jeno inhales a deep breath at that, and lets himself go.
Jaemin and Renjun watch on in awe as their awkward youngest comforts Jeno easily, watch as Jeno starts from slow, unnoticeable sniffles, to heart-wrenching sobs, to cries with his whole body shaking, and back to silent sniffles. “I’m sorry I cheered you on just now, hyung,” Jisung says lowly into his ear, “If I had known I wouldn’t have pressured you like that.” Jeno leans back, away from Jisung’s shoulder, and throws him a small, lopsided smile, “I know you didn’t know nor mean to do it, Ji. It’s not your fault. It’s how he acted, not you.” Jisung breaks into a relieved grin, “Oh thank god, because I was feeling SO guilty the entire time Renjun hyung was telling the story.” Jeno scoffs, hitting him lightly in the shoulder. “Prick.”
“Are we feeling better now?” Jaemin approaches quietly. “Look, Jen, I’m sorry I said.. what I said earlier. I didn’t mean it, okay?” Renjun cautiously starts. “I was just reading the signs wrong, or I was reading too much into it.” Jeno bitterly laughs, “No, you meant it, and no, you didn’t. Frankly, I’m glad you said it, because I’ve been avoiding it for a while. Why do you keep forcing me to open the locked drawers in my mind I had purposely lost the keys to? You’re so annoying, Huang Renjun…” he throws a pointed glare to him. “Hey, you need me to make sense, else you’d be running around like a headless chicken.” There’s a collective sigh. “Like I said before, I hate when you make sense.” “And like I said before, no you don’t.”
He sleeps in Jisung’s room that night. He stays awake, as always, but this time, not caught up in his own thoughts, instead verbalising them with the youngest. A part of him feels guilty, that he shouldn’t be burdening his younger friend with his problems, but Jisung assures him it’s okay, that just because he’s older it doesn’t mean he can’t rely on others. Jeno cries again, but this time relishing in the comforting embrace of his young, awkward, yet strangely wise friend. He cries again, but this time he promises himself it’ll be the last he cries over Lee Donghyuck.
It’s not.
They had gone to sleep with a plan formulated, with a script prepared, all so Jeno could easily walk up to Donghyuck and dump him there and then. It started along the lines of “Hey, can we talk?” and ended with “I hope we can still be civil around each other, since, you know, we work together and all.” The middle parts were a little wonky, and still needed some work, but that was alright, because they could always consult Jaemin and Renjun in the morning for some well-needed input. As it turned out, they couldn’t. Because when Jeno awoke, checking his phone for the time, he received a notification that caused a blood-curdling scream to erupt through the dorm.
“He fucking broke up with me over TEXT?”
Jisung sits up in bed, shocked, just as Jaemin bursts the door open, his face reflecting a mix of appalled and disbelief. “You’re kidding.” Jeno shakes his head, a grim no, just as Renjun appears in the doorway. They all make their way to Jeno, who merely scoffs and turns his phone outwards so everyone can read the ridiculously short message.
haech <3
hi jen, first of all im sorry for dumping this onto you all of a sudden but i think its best if we took a break for a while. and by “took a break” i mean “break up” and by “for a while” i think i kinda mean like… forever. sorry.
its not you, its me
all the best for ur future, um, dating life, tho
4:37am
“He has to be fucking joking right?” Renjun huffs. Jeno rolls his eyes, all previous melancholy from the night before having dissipated at record speed.
jenmoongie
wow, if there was a winner for most lame break up text it would have to be that
like r u fucking forreal?
no explanation, no nothing?
ure a fucking coward, donghyuck
im coming over to ur dorm later, we’re talking this out idc
we’re breaking up for SURE tho, dont be mistaken
10:30am
The regret washes over him the very second he hits send. He screams, letting the phone fall from his hands as he looks at his friends in horror. “Why didn’t any of you stop me?!” Renjun shrugs, “He deserved it, honestly.” Jeno turns to Jisung in terror, shaking him in disbelief. “God, WHY ME? Now I have to come up with a new break up speech that isn’t mature and I can’t cry in front of him? I have to be all angry instead? Or act rational? I can’t do either!” Jeno whines, flopping back onto the bed. “Hey, calm down, we’ll help you,” Jaemin offers, a glint in his eye, “I’ve got some very colorful words we can use, starting with –” Renjun, thankfully, covers his mouth with his hand just in time. “Jen, I think it’s best if you figure this one out on your own,” he says calmly, before whipping his hand away from Jaemin’s mouth in disgust and wiping his open palm on the other’s shirt, “WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING LICK ME? Anyway, as I was saying, you’ve gotten this far with us, I think you should do this last part by yourself. All of your own organic feelings, or whatever, since we helped you get them all out in the open.” Jisung silently nods in agreement, watching his hyung groan into the pillow. “You’re right. I fucking hate when you’re right, seriously.”
Jeno spends the rest of the day dreading 9pm, when he knows the other unit will be free from their schedules. He’s formulated a pretty solid script in his mind, he’d say, but he’s not too sure he can put up a strong front in front of Donghyuck. Truth be told, he was initially prepared to break up with him on his own terms, with a mature and truthful two-way conversation, but now he’s afraid it’s going to end in a one-sided shouting match, with him in tears again. Before long, he’s at the door, waiting for his manager to come to drop him off at the 127 dorms, with his members hugging him for support. “You’ve got this, just calm down!” “Good luck hyung, be strong!” “Rip his ass to shreds, my Jeno!” “Jaemin!”
The car ride to the 127 dorms is so horrendously anxiety-inducing Jeno has half a mind to reach over to the driver’s seat and turn the car into oncoming traffic. He doesn’t. (He does imagine it, though.) He gulps when he sees the familiar building loom over the dashboard, and sits back in his seat, fidgeting. Should I pretend my seatbelt is stuck? “Jeno-ssi, you can go up first. I’ll be waiting here, you can just text me when you’re ready to go.” Fuck, I guess it’s now or never. Can I choose never? “Jeno-ssi?” Guess I can’t. “Yup, okay. Won’t be too long, haha.” Jeno swallows his nerves down, and opens the car door.
He’s greeted by Doyoung at the unit door, who ruffles his hair excitedly. “What are you doing here? If I had known you were coming, I would’ve ordered some bingsu for you too, we’re having movie night!” Oh, I’m here to break up with my boyfriend, hyung! No worries about the bingsu! While we’re at it, you can ditch the movie too, you can have new free entertainment all from Donghyuck’s room! “I’m just here for Hyuck, hyung. He didn’t tell you?” “Ah, no wonder he told us to start the movie without him. Okay, okay, you lovebirds have fun! We won’t disturb you,” Doyoung all but giggles, and it honestly makes Jeno sick to his stomach. Yeah, we’re gonna have so much fun. “Hyuck, your boyfriend’s here!” Donghyuck pops his head out of his room, glances over at the two by the doorway, and gestures for Jeno to make his way to his room. As Jeno’s crossing the living room, Donghyuck calls out, “Not my boyfriend anymore, hyung!” The rest of the members already scattered on the couch stop what they’re doing, only the sound of the Netflix intro resonating through the speakers, and Doyoung’s personal bowl of popcorn falls to the floor. Jeno gulps, holds his head high, and walks the rest of the way to Donghyuck’s room, waving to the shell-shocked older members.
As soon as he closes the door behind him, he turns, shooting daggers into Donghyuck’s eyes. “Seriously? You couldn’t have held it in?” Donghyuck merely shrugs, turning his hands over to admire his nails. “It’s true, is it not? You said it yourself, we’ve broken up.” Jeno breathes heavily through his nose, quickly realising Donghyuck isn’t going to let him have his way so easily. “Holy fuck, you’re seriously a piece of work.” “Really? Is that why we dated for so damn long?” he quips back easily. Jeno approaches Donghyuck, steam practically coming out of his ears at how infuriating and childish Donghyuck is behaving. “Don’t be a fucking smartass, Donghyuck. You know damn well what you did, and you acting like an asshole both over text and right now isn’t helping your case.” “Yeah, well, I don’t really need to have a case at all, do I, because we’ve broken up,” Donghyuck stares lazily at the door frame behind Jeno, “so just say your peace so we can be done with this.” Jeno scoffs. He’s enraged, really, he’s in disbelief. “To think I once considered you my soulmate,” he mutters under his breath, and if he weren’t so frustrated, maybe he wouldn’t have missed the way Donghyuck’s protective facade faltered for a split second, the way his leg stopped shaking, the way his gaze flickered. “You know, I came over to have a mature conversation with you, but you’re being super fucking difficult right now.” Donghyuck lowly swallows, which once again goes unnoticed by Jeno. “You think I don’t know the reason you’re breaking up – no, you broke up with me? I just want to hear you admit it with your own mouth; for you to own up and stop being a coward.” Donghyuck looks to the floor, seemingly uninterested in the conversation. “Oh, c’mon Hyuck. I’ve known you, what, a decade now? I know you better than that. Look up and fucking talk to me.”
Donghyuck slowly peels his eyes away from the wooden floor – oh wow, I should seriously consider going into woodwork – and glances at Jeno fleetingly. “Look, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you,” he starts. “Something just.. clicked, one day, and I woke up and I didn’t feel the same way for you anymore. I wish I could tell you why, but not even I know the reason. I used to look at you like you carried the moon, the stars, the sky, fuck, you were my whole world at some point. Genuinely, most of my best and worst memories were with you. When we were still children, we dropped out of school together to train in that stinky practice room with your hideous bowl cut and glasses, and my adorable hair. Every single day I spent in that room with you, I can probably recite from memory. There’s that time you and Jaemin snuck out to get ice cream and you came back both Jaemin-less and ice creamless, dragged in by the ear by our coach. There’s that time we sat at the back of the room, watching jealously as the hyungs did a choreo we had practiced to death ourselves but ultimately couldn’t do because we were too young. There’s that time we cried out of joy after our debut was confirmed. Fuck, should I go on?” Donghyuck takes a deep breath, and wills the tears starting to prick at the sides of his eyes to disappear. “Then there’s the time you scolded me after I fractured my tibia, even though I was already blaming myself, and you just added on to the pain. Then there’s the time you – no, you know what? I’m not gonna harp on the bad memories, because we had too many good ones that they overshadow the bad ones by miles. I remember our first date, our first kiss, the way you asked me out in the dingy company storage room. You showed me a whole new world I’d never seen before, you introduced me to your favorite things, I introduced you to mine. You know, I can’t look at blue coats and not think of you? One of the randomest articles of clothing to link you to, but it happens. I see a samoyed at the dog park, I think of you. God, I see a fucking bicycle and think of you. I can’t switch on the TV on Tuesdays because The Show’ll be on, and I’ll just think of you again. I loved you so fucking much, Jeno, you don’t even know, I swear. You were my fucking everything, Jeno, and I’m so fucking sorry that I can’t give you what you deserve. I’ve been such a shitty boyfriend as of late, and you don’t fucking deserve that. Fuck, I don’t deserve you at all, I’m so fucking sorry, Jeno.”
Donghyuck’s gasping for air by the time he finishes, his tears freely cascading down his cheeks, and all Jeno can do is stare down at him in disbelief, his own eyes wet with the sheen of unshed tears. He fucking hates the way Donghyuck almost exclusively uses the past tense, because it just reminds him how this was all in the past. There’s no more future for them. This is where their story ends. He grabs Donghyuck by the collar, dragging him up and holding him close. “I hate you,” Jeno whispers. “I fucking hate you so much, because why do I still love you after all you’ve done to me?”
Donghyuck weeps, little pleas of “I’m sorry” barely audible through the way his face is pressed to Jeno’s chest. Jeno wipes his face before he tears Donghyuck away from him, looking down at the other boy. “I know you well enough to know you weren’t lying when you said that. And that’s what fucking hurts the most, because you don’t know what I know,” Jeno breathes, “You’re right, you don’t deserve me. You deserve better.” Donghyuck stills, looking up at Jeno through his tears. The latter moves away from him, setting him down on the chair he was originally sitting on, before he opens the door to where he knows the older members are crouched, listening in. A couple of them fall to the floor, and Mark, knelt, points an accusatory finger at the oldest of the bunch, “I didn’t want to listen in! They just dragged me along, I promise, they just wanted to –” “With all due respect, Mark hyung, just stop talking.” He pulls him in by the elbow, to which Mark yelps with surprise, resisting in shock. “Hyung, just come in, we’re not mad.” Once Mark’s fully in the room, Jeno contemplates shutting the door once again, but decides against it, since everybody’s going to listen anyway.
“Donghyuck-ah, do you know the reason why you stopped feeling for me?”
Donghyuck pauses, looking between Mark and Jeno, as he starts to connect the dots himself. “No… it can’t be.” he shakes his head in disbelief. “No… you’re lying.”
Jeno’s silent for a while, before letting out, “You like Mark hyung.”
It’s like the world crashes and burns down around Donghyuck.
The gasps from the doorframe are louder than Donghyuck’s reaction, and he honestly can’t be all too bothered by it right now. Things are clearer than ever in Donghyuck’s mind, the reason why he blew Jeno off, why he kept gravitating towards his older friend. Said older friend is standing between the couple, mouth agape as he stares at the both of them. “Jeno, I… I’m so fucking sorry,” Donghyuck starts.
Jeno chuckles, a bitter feeling in his mouth, “Don’t be, Hyuck. You can’t control how you feel, and it’s not like you even knew in the first place. It was all subconscious.” That’s what fucking hurts so much.
Mark looks to Jeno, desperation lit in his eyes, “I’m so sorry, dude, I had no idea, I wouldn’t have –”
“You wouldn’t have what, hyung?” Jeno bites back, agony evident in his tone. “You didn’t do anything wrong; neither of you did. Well, Hyuck was kind of a dick but my point still stands, neither of you knew exactly what you were doing, and what it was causing. I should have seen it coming earlier, honestly.”
“Jeno-ya…” he hears a patient voice call from behind him. “I know it’s not my place, but don’t blame yourself for any of this. Whether it be ‘seeing it coming’, or the words I know are floating around in that pretty little head of yours; none of it is your fault, okay?”
Jeno nods, successfully holding back a broken sob. He shuts his eyes, only to open them again to the scene of Mark and Donghyuck hugging in front of him. He steels himself to turn around and leave, not before hearing a whispered “I’m sorry, Donghyuck-ah”, and maybe, if a little spiteful voice in his head smiled subduedly, he wouldn’t tell.
“Let’s not be weird about this the next time we meet, yeah?” he says, forced lilt apparent in his tone. He brushes past the older ones, shying away from their pitying eyes before remembering to text his manager. He can’t find it in himself to relax even in the car’s comfortable seats, only waiting until he arrives back at the dorms, ignoring the members’ scrutinising gazes and questions, and closes his room door. There, in the darkness, he sighs. He broke his promise. He wrings his hands together, wondering what his next possible course of action might be. He thinks he’s cried enough to last him the next decade, and he already exceeded his ‘cry over Lee Donghyuck’ limit anyway. He lets his thoughts wander back to his ex-boyfriend, wondering if Donghyuck has any regrets of his own. If he was in Donghyuck’s position, what would he have been feeling, after realising he let go of his long-time lover since practically childhood for another childhood friend who doesn’t feel the same way? How would he even react? He shakes his head, clearing his thoughts, and sets his hands decisively on his jeans. He’s decided what he’s going to do next – he’s going to strip his ceiling of the stars they had put up together, the stars Jeno once carried in Donghyuck’s eyes, and vice versa.
But fuck sake I'm already yours, mm
Sad to say I'm already yours oh