Chapter Text
Mark sees a ghost in the middle of a bar on an average Friday night. He’s on his final song when he catches sight of one person sitting at a corner table all alone. He’s so surprised he almost falters, but he recovers quickly. The lights are low, the place is packed. It’s hard to tell what he’s even seeing. Who he’s even seeing. By the time he’s done packing up his guitar after he’s finished, the person is gone. There’s a swell of disappointment in his chest, but he had to have been imagining things anyway.
It’s just…it looked like Jaemin.
-
Jisung dances as he shelves books. It was something to get used to when Mark first started working at the library, but now he’d probably have to hold a funeral for Jisung’s innocence if he stopped.
“What is it today, Jisungie?” Mark asks, leaning against the side of a bookshelf, enjoying the performance. Jisung stops immediately and goes a little pink like he always does when Mark catches him, like he doesn’t do this in full view of the entire library on a daily basis. He’s too pure for this world.
“DreamV,” Jisung responds sheepishly. Mark’s shoulders tense, just barely. His smile feels stretched a little too tight.
“Yeah?”
It’s like this most days. Jisung’s fondness for idol groups is a fairly well-kept secret of his, at least to people who don’t know him well. Mark does know him well. Nine times out of ten, Jisung’s either dancing the already made choreography to a song by one of his favorite groups, or he’s doing something he choreographed himself. Also to a song by one of his favorite groups. DreamV’s the top dog for him. Mark’s not sure if that’s ironic, coincidental, or both.
“Should’ve figured,” Mark continues.
“I’ve been re-listening to all their stuff,” Jisung says.
“Re-listening? Like, since yesterday?”
“You’re really funny, hyung.”
Mark smirks, pleased, and tries to sound very casual when he asks, “So, are they like having a comeback soon or something?”
“Next month. It’s not gonna be the same though.”
“How do you mean?”
“It’s just gonna be five members. They announced like a week ago that Jaemin was taking a hiatus.”
Mark’s brain freezes and reboots. Jaemin, hiatus, week ago.
There’s no way.
“Jaemin’s taking a hiatus?” That may have come out a little more concerned than what would be warranted from someone whose only knowledge of Na Jaemin (allegedly) comes secondhand. Jisung gives him a weird look as he puts a book back in its proper home.
“Yeah?”
Mark knows he has to tread carefully now. Jisung’s on to him.
“Why is he taking a hiatus?”
Jisung shrugs. “Health reasons, I guess. There’s been a lot of speculation lately, but…I don’t really like to pay attention to that kinda stuff. Why?”
“Just—curious.” It comes out a little stilted and awkward but Jisung seems none the wiser. Mark pats himself on the back for being normal. “I like Jaemin. Remember? I told you that when you made me watch a marathon of DreamV’s music show performances.”
“Yeah, I know. He’s the only one whose name you can ever remember.”
That’s—not exactly true. Mark may have gotten a little overzealous with his lying. At least Jisung doesn’t think it’s weird.
“So are you still gonna check it out?” he asks. “The comeback?”
Jisung rolls his eyes. “Duh. I’ll just be in mourning while I do it.”
“Ah, I see. My condolences, I guess. But hey, at least it’s not…which one’s the one you really like?”
Might as well lean into it.
Jisung gives him this grumpy pout that’s probably a lot cuter than he’d like it to be. “Maybe it’s better if you don’t remember.”
“No, wait, I know this—”
“Oh, go away.”
Mark laughs but decides to let Jisung off easy. Only half of him is here, anyway. The other half is miles away and maybe twelve years back. There’s a head on his shoulder and a hand in his.
Jesus. He hasn’t talked to Jaemin since before he moved to Seoul.
He leaves Jisung with his books and traipses to an odd corner of the shelves where he’s pretty sure Joohyun won’t sneak up on him. He pulls out his phone, feeling that same bizarre sense of trepidation he always feels when he does this, like he’s doing some he shouldn’t. He can hear his heart in his ears as he searches Jaemin’s name.
Countless article headlines flood the screen about Jaemin’s hiatus, as Mark had expected. Some are very matter-of-fact—‘DreamV’s Jaemin to temporarily halt all activities’, ‘SM Entertainment announces DreamV member Jaemin will take hiatus’—but others…Mark can see what Jisung means about speculation. ‘Fans demand better treatment for DreamV after member Jaemin announces hiatus due to health concerns.’ ‘Fans voice concern for DreamV’s Jaemin after news of hiatus.’ It gets more blatant the further back he goes, to articles written before the announcement. ‘Fans worried about DreamV’s Jaemin; say he looked tired and worn down in latest content.’ ‘Concerns raised after photos surface of DreamV’s Jaemin showing seemingly drastic weight loss.’ ‘Fans left concerned after DreamV member Jaemin is absent from fan meeting.’ ‘#LetDreamVRest trends after videos of member Jaemin making rare mistakes onstage go viral.’ On and on they go, and Mark feels a little sick to his stomach. He goes back to the first ones, the ones about the hiatus, and his thumb hovers over the screen for a few seconds before he taps on one that looks as neutral as possible. He skims the article, certain lines and phrases practically leaping off the screen: ‘sudden severe anxiety with regards to performing’, ‘further personal health concerns’, ‘the idol has noticeably been missing from various group appearances in the recent past with little explanation given’, ‘the news comes after unverified reports of the idol collapsing backstage after a concert’. Mark locks his phone and drags a hand through his hair. He’s having trouble remembering when the last time he saw Jaemin was. Before DreamV debuted, he knows that much.
That long. And Mark still worries about him like they’re still best friends.
He gets his ass back to the check-out desk and tries not to look as rattled as he feels. There’s guilt clogging his insides, like he should’ve known about this, like he should’ve seen it coming, like he should’ve been doing something to prevent it. It’s ridiculous, because he hasn’t spoken to Jaemin in years, and he doesn’t even know how much he can trust what he read online anyway, but…sometimes he feels like Jaemin’s his shadow. He can see him, sort of, but he’ll never be able to touch him even though he’s always going to be hanging around.
He wonders if Jaemin’s old number still works. He doubts it.
And Jaemin has a whole new life now. He doesn’t need Mark trying to march into it.
-
People in the neighborhood laughed, called them twins, a matching set, a package deal. Where one went, the other would surely follow. Mark doesn’t even remember meeting Jaemin, just remembers Jaemin always being there, like they both just sprang into existence at the exact same time. There was a year splitting them but it had never really mattered. Jaemin was always Mark’s best friend.
It’s funny, how sometimes life just pulls you away from people even if you don’t want it to. Jaemin hadn’t slipped away from him based on a conscious decision from either one of them. Not really. It’s just that, for the first time, Jaemin had gone one way and Mark had gone the other, and there was only so far they could go before they eventually lost sight of each other. Mark still thinks about him most days, partially because Jisung’s one of his biggest fans but mostly because Jaemin still lives deep down somewhere in Mark’s bones. He sees Jaemin in everything, the setting sun, the dusty books in the forgotten sections of the library, the curve of a stranger’s smile. There’s nothing he can do about it. He’d say he’s even gotten used to it.
But being used to it is a lot different from having moved on from it.
-
Mark doesn’t search Jaemin’s name again. His fingers itch to every single day, hoping to find some light at the end of tunnel, something that shows him he’s tying himself into knots for no reason, but Jaemin’s on hiatus. He’s not going to be able to get live updates on everything Jaemin’s doing. He’s sure he’d hear from Jisung if any major happened, good or bad. There’s nothing he can do until Jisung throws a party because Jaemin returned, or calls him up crying because Jaemin left the group.
And then Yuta calls.
It’s not surprising to hear from Yuta, per se. They still meet up every so often, whenever they both get the chance. It’s just…Yuta doesn’t call people. It’s an uphill battle just to get him to respond to texts sometimes. But he calls, asks to meet sometime for lunch or drinks or anything, really, just soon. Mark figures he can con him into paying so he opts for a full meal, all the while doing his best to ignore the sense of foreboding taking hold of him. Yuta never calls.
They meet up at one of their usual spots, and when he first catches sight of him, Mark’s a little taken aback by the nervous energy radiating from every inch of Yuta’s body. He doesn’t know if he’s ever seen Yuta look so tense. It freaks him out a little. It must be bad if Yuta is like this.
“Hi, Mark,” Yuta greets him. “Thanks for agreeing to meet with me.”
So…clinical. Not a cozy catch-up between friends. Not that Mark was really expecting that, but a man can hold out hope.
“Of course, hyung,” Mark says. “What’s up?”
Yuta pauses. “Let’s get our food first, okay? How have you been?”
It’s hard to chat casually with Yuta when there’s an elephant sitting at the table with them, but Mark knows it’s useless pushing Yuta when his mind’s made up. So he goes along with it, tells Yuta what he’s been up to and lets Yuta do the same. Neither one of them mentions Jaemin, even though one of them normally would at some point, and Mark knows it’s not a coincidence.
Yuta is Mark’s final remaining connection to Jaemin, and the elephant at the table with them shares Jaemin’s name.
Yuta is true to his word and doesn’t say anything even mildly serious until they’re well into their meals. Mark knows when it’s coming; Yuta goes quiet for over a full minute and Mark can practically see the thoughts racing behind his eyes. Mark lets him take his time, and finally he speaks again.
“I guess you’re probably wondering when the fuck I’m gonna get to the reason why I wanted to meet up with you.”
“No rush.”
Yuta snorts. “We’ll be here all afternoon. Might as well get into it. It’s…it’s Jaemin.”
Mark nods slowly. He’d already known that. “Yeah, I heard from Jisung that he’s, y’know. On hiatus from his group.”
“Yeah, he’s, um…yeah.” There’s clearly more to this that Yuta’s not willing to share. Mark won’t push it. It’s been a long time since he last saw Jaemin. “He’s staying with me for the time being.”
“Oh, is he? Nice.” Mark doesn’t have a clue what else to say. He knows Yuta didn’t ask to meet up with him just to tell him this, but Yuta’s still so nervous, so wired. Almost embarrassed. It’s not like him.
“Yeah…yeah.”
A long moment passes in which neither of them speak. Yuta’s not looking at Mark—he’s staring at a spot on the table near Mark’s plate, and his eyes are distant. He’s chewing on the inside of his cheek. Just as Mark’s about to ask him straight out why they’re here, he takes a deep breath and looks at Mark like he’s just remembered he’s not alone.
“Anyway, I was…kinda wondering if you’d come see him sometime.”
Mark raises his eyebrows. “Me?”
Yuta smiles, just barely, and Mark realizes it’s the first time he’s done so since he got here. “You. I—I know it’s kind of an imposition, but…he’ll never do this himself. I think he’d like to see you.”
“He would?”
Yuta looks at him like he thinks he’s amusing but also pretty weird. Mark doesn’t mean to sound so incredulous. He’d just kind of figured he’d be one of the last people on Jaemin’s mind.
“Yes, Mark. He’d probably be pissed if he knew I was doing this, but…Jaeminie needs a friend right now.”
“What about, y’know, his groupmates?”
Something stormy passes across Yuta’s face. “They’ve been checking in. But they need to be focusing on their comeback, and Jaemin…Jaemin needs to be focusing on other things. He needs someone to talk to outside of the industry who’s not his annoying big brother.”
“Oh. Right.”
“He still asks about you, you know.” Yuta’s voice is gentle. Mark doesn’t know what to say. “Look, this is just a friendly request. If I’m asking too much—”
“No.” Mark speaks like his mouth has a mind of its own. He clears his throat. “No, it’s—it’s fine. Of course I’ll go see Jaeminie. It’ll—it’ll be good to see him.”
Some of the tension finally eases out of Yuta’s body. “Thanks, Mark. I owe you one.”
“Don’t worry about it. When’s a good time to come by?”
Yuta smirks. “I’ll let you know. Like I said, he doesn’t even know I’m here. I don’t know how he’ll take it if you just show up out of the blue. Let me talk to him first.”
“Okay, no problem.”
“Oh, and Mark?”
"Yeah?”
It seems to take Yuta a moment to figure out what he wants to say. “Go easy on him. He’s going through a lot right now.”
Mark wants to ask, but he doesn’t think Yuta will tell him anything more. And Mark doesn’t really think that would be fair to Jaemin, his brother and a person who’s not even really his friend anymore gossiping about his problems behind his back. It seems like there’s enough of that going around. So instead he just nods.
“Of course.”
They drop the topic then, because there’s nothing really left to be said. They part ways after more than an hour has passed and Yuta has promised to text him with further details about seeing Jaemin.
Seeing Jaemin. The boy he hasn’t seen in what must be at least four years now.
As he returns home, he feels all of seventeen years old again.