Work Text:
To my soulmate…
When my feelings got so intense inside my soul, I needed to write this for you, to get it out before it all boiled over.
I write this letter that you will never read, that you will never think about your existence, but that is my starting point and my arrival point.
Thinking about how it all started is irritating to me, as I can't quite pinpoint when every part of my body became magnetized around it. It's impossible to measure a day, hour, or month, categorize and define the stages of how it all started... sometimes I think it didn't have a beginning, that it was always there.
For so long I tried to deceive myself, and I confess that sometimes I even believed that it was all my imagination, that it was a simple chemical reaction in my brain that made me believe that I loved you, just the closeness that made me think things that I can't even put it into words, at least not now.
For so many months, or maybe years, only the walls of my room and the strings of my guitar were witnesses of everything I went through, of all the nights I didn't sleep thinking about the two of us, of all the days I woke up like I've run a marathon, exhausted, completely wrecked and all just for even allowing myself the luxury of thinking about you before I fall asleep.
Every day that passes I wonder more and more if I want you by my side or if it's better not to approach me, and every time I ask myself, I get the same answer. The mere thought of not having you by my side makes my chest tight, I can't breathe.
Every time you feel sick I feel like screaming, screaming for the whole world to hear and make you hear how much I love you, that is just a spark, a brief moment when I think about losing you makes me sick.
I've never been through this, I've never loved like this... and it makes me sure it's you, it's always been you.
My confused words here in this letter, written on a rainy Saturday night, in the dark of my room lit only by the lonely streetlight in front of my window are not just words, it's my soul that cries out for help, that asks for an answer and begs for this grip inside me to loosen.
Sometimes I just wish we didn't know each other, other times I imagine we just met in a bar or a cafe, after our normal life, where I'm a simple bar singer and you're an architect or a professor. That our lives were simple and uncomplicated, that our world was not the same, and that even so, you were my world and I was yours.
I just wish I could ask you out, pick you up from your house, bring you a box of chocolates that you probably wouldn't eat and I'd end up eating for you. I wanted to take you to the movies, eat popcorn and walk hand in hand through the mall. Spend Saturday afternoon at the beach, bathe in the sea, and end up spending the night on the sand, talking and laughing.
I wish I could hug you with all my strength and give you a kiss every day, call you to sleep at my house, and wake up with my mother calling you son too.
On the hardest nights, I find myself imagining the two of us living together, spending hours talking and making plans, sleeping with you in my arms, and waking up to your warm breath on my neck.
Do you know that kiss? The kiss that night on the beach after that event? That kiss…the kiss we never mentioned, that I know you haven't forgotten and that I definitely haven't, I just wanted to repeat that kiss for the rest of our lives.
I got used to your touch, and I learned to control my body by your side, but it seems that after I broke down and cried on you on that stage, my body unlearned everything and I can't hide it anymore.
I know you've noticed...
I pray that we meet in another life, in a simpler life, in a life where we can be who we are and love whoever we want...
I pray that you can be mine without measure so that I can surrender to you without any hindrance…
I pray that our souls will live together for eternity and that once, at least once, they can be together the right way…
I know the years will pass, we will grow old, and maybe we will even meet other people. But I know I'll never love someone like I love you, so deeply, so intensely.
I know my soul is tied to yours and I think you know it too.
Forever and ever yours.
Nanon.