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Tommy didn’t have many ex-boyfriends. Mainly because he has spent his life thus far in the closet. To most people anyway; he did have Ash.
He didn’t really expect to date Ash in the first place, he was Wilbur’s band mate, and years older than him. He didn’t expect them to get as close as they did, inevitably they had a short painful relationship that ended on terrible terms. They were never able to get back to that level again. Never able to fully be as close as before but Tommy would still say Ash is his best friend. It’s not exactly easy to move on when you spend almost everyday with your ex.
Tommy didn’t like drinking much, he did occasionally, socially. Still, He wasn’t a big drinker. Ash on the other hand would drink until he blacked out. So when the pair ended up at a house party, Tommy became his babysitter, as he usually did.
It was late, most people had passed out somewhere, Ash had his head on Tommy’s lap, it wasn’t an unusual visual, they’d always been touchy. “I’m sorry I fucked what we had up.” Ash slurred, shattering the silence they had formed in their own little bubble.
Ash never apologised for what happened, Tommy never thought he would. It was a similar situation that ended their relationship. A house party. Ash got as drunk as he usually did and Tommy had to be the one to find him in the bathroom with a girl who looked way older than Tommy was.
“Okay.” Tommy said. He didn’t want to talk about it, not here. He pretended it didn’t happen, it was why he was able to still be friends with Ash. “You didn’t deserve that, you’re so much better than anyone I’ve been with.” He mumbled.
Tommy really wanted Ash to just stop talking.
“Shut up, Ash.” Tommy said, moving from where they were sitting, Ash’s head hitting the couch. He couldn’t listen to this, not right now. “Come on, you’re going home.” He said, looking around for their jackets, calling a taxi. He wasn’t sure why Ash’s apology had gotten to him so much. It was nice to hear, instead of the exhausting silence he had for months. “See, you still take care of me.” Ash whispered, he didn’t deserve it. He knew he didn’t.
“Because you still love me.” If his first words shattered the silence then these set off an alarm, it was overwhelming and consuming. It kept repeating in Tommy’s head. The same five words.
“Don’t fucking say that.” Tommy snapped again, practically counting the seconds until the taxi would be here.
Tommy had told Ash that night, before the party for the first time. He told Ash he loved him and then Ash broke his heart in a way he didn’t even know it could be broken. All on the same day.
“I’m sorry.” Ash mumbled, he was half asleep at this point. He didn’t even realise what he said. Tommy got Ash home, like he always did, like he did that night. He slept on Ash’s couch, again, like he did that night. Ash broke his heart but Tommy thought it would be a lot harder to live with what Ash had done if he choked on vomit in his sleep.
The next morning, as expected, Tommy woke up and showered. He had become accustomed to staying in Ash’s house. Getting ready for the day with the drawer of clothes he had that Ash never bothered clearing. It was weird, because times like this he felt like it was when they first started dating. Ash offered the drawer for Tommy’s things, Tommy would stay more often than not, it was only logical to keep some stuff at his place. Tommy was ecstatic at the time, of course he was. It felt like a real relationship. His first real relationship, not kissing other ‘straight’ boys behind Tesco in year nine.
When they split up, it would be expected that Tommy would stay a lot less, but that wasn’t really the case, the only difference being he would sleep on the couch now, he did always wonder if he’d be more comfortable wrapped in Ash’s arms like before.
Tommy was sitting on Ash’s couch when Ash trudged into the room. “Thank you for getting me home, you don’t have to do it.” Ash remembered, it was becoming a bit of an issue, how drunk Ash would get. While they were together, Ash didn’t do it as much, just the occasional night out or get together. Tommy could take that. But after the split, it was like Ash would take any opportunity to get as drunk as possible.
“How’s your head? You were practically asleep last night when you got home.” Tommy laughed, avoiding the other statement. He didn’t want to talk about it.
“I meant it.” Ash said, the room falling so painfully quiet.
“Last night, I knew what I said and I meant it.” He elaborated, as if Tommy didn't understand what he meant based on his first statement alone, although he definitely did.
Tommy just looked at him, the horrible mix of feelings he had slowly dissipating into what Tommy decided was anger. “But you can’t say it while sober?” He hissed. “So you can apologise while drunk but you don’t even have the balls to tell me you’re sorry for what you did the next day?” Tommy didn’t want to be bitter. He was tough.
“Come on Toms-“
“Don’t call me that.”
Ash was almost dumbfounded, he naively assumed Tommy would instantly forgive him. That was his fault. “I can say it.” He protested.
“I’m sorry.” He didn’t elaborate, not like he did last night.
“You’re not sorry, Ash.” Tommy whispered.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry for what I done, I’m sorry for fucking that girl. I’m sorry I couldn’t say sorry to you, I’m sorry that the only fucking thing I can do is apologise.” Ash said.
Tommy didn’t say anymore, his eyes watering as he left the apartment. It felt a lot more real now Ash was sober. That he knew what he was saying. It hurt that he described the thing that crumbled his heart as Ash just ‘fucking some girl’. That’s not what it felt like.
But that’s all it was to Ash.
—
That night was weird for Ash. He was getting ready, with Tommy. Like they usually did. Tommy wiped some lint off of his shoulder, Ash watched him fondly as he got dressed, he spent a lot more time getting ready then anyone would expect when he showed up in the only button up he owns and the same pair of jeans he wears all of the time. “Ash?” Tommy smiled. Ash just turned his head, looking at him. “I love you.” It was a big deal. They’d been dating for four months, Ash knew he loved Tommy, he had for ages. He told himself he wouldn’t say it until Tommy did, in fear of freaking him out.
“I love you too.” Ash said, looking seemingly calm. He didn’t know why that was so scary to say. Why is he afraid of that? He was ready to say it months ago, but now Tommy actually loved him back. It was like this pressure, this overwhelming worry that he was going to fuck things up. Like he usually did.
Then at the party, he did exactly that. Some girl, she must have been in her late twenties, approached Ash, while Tommy was outside. Ash was more than drunk at the point, he went along with it. He knew that it was wrong.
When the girl pushed her lips against Ash he tried to mumble something about Tommy, but when her hand was in his trousers and she was leading him by the wrist to the bathroom he had no more protests. He wasn’t sober, but he knew what he was doing. He was present enough to know it was wrong. Yet he felt no need to stop.
Then the door swung open.
Then the tears started flowing and Ash started saying as many excuses as he could think of.
Tommy didn’t leave the party, he found a quiet room where he quickly sobered up. He sat there till three am, getting a taxi back with Ash after it all. That was the first of many nights he spent on Ash’s couch.
The morning after was even weirder, Ash was fully aware of what happened up until the moment Tommy caught him, after that was a blur but when he found himself in bed and Tommy in his kitchen he wasn’t so sure he hadn’t just dreamt it all.
“You should’ve stayed in bed, it’s early.” Ash smiled when he walked out of the room. That statement was met by silence. Ash didn’t think much of it. “Do you want another cup of tea, love?” Ash said, that got a response. “Don’t pretend you love me. I’m going home now i just was making sure you werent fucking dead.” He said, grabbing his jacket.
Afterwards they didn’t talk about it, it stayed unaddressed, they didn’t speak for weeks until Tommy was at a lovejoy gig two months after. They pretended it didn’t happen, that they didn’t date, that they never loved each other. Things quickly fell back to how they used to be, they began hanging out alone again, still never bringing it up. Completely unmentioned until now.
—
“Ash?” Wilbur asked when he answered the phone, it was about eight am, Ash is usually still asleep. “Can you come over?” Ash asked, he didn’t say anything more and Wilbur was already in an Uber and on his way.
Ash explained everything, all of it. Finally telling Wilbur about the relationship they managed to keep hidden all this time. “I just don’t get why he won’t forgive me.” Ash finished.
“Why won’t he forgive you?” Wilbur said, almost shocked that Ash could even be that dense. “Because you're the only person he’s ever loved, Ash.” He said, unsure how he hadn’t already punched Ash for treating Tommy so shit in the first place. “I’m finding it really hard to comfort you right now because what you did to him was fucking vile man.” Wilbur said.
Ash sat there lamenting it all.
This was his fault. He hurt Tommy.
Tommy who trusted him.
Tommy who has done nothing but love and care for him.
“Holy shit I’m a prick.” Ash laughed almost in disbelief at how long it had really taken him to understand that. The laughter quickly turned into tears. He never really mourned how he had lost Tommy. How he’d never have love like that again. Sure, he’d dated tons of people but he felt himself with Tommy. That was it. They were over and it was Ash’s fault.
“I need to see him.” Ash said simply, Wilbur agreed. He should’ve done this a long time ago.
—-
Ash knocked on Tommy’s door, gripping flowers that definitely weren’t going to make Tommy forgive him, but that’s what they do in the movies and it wasn’t like bringing them was gonna make anything any worse.
When Tommy finally opened the door, cracking it just a little, he was shocked to say the least. His shirt was backwards and there was a bruise on his neck. “Ash.” Tommy said, shocked. This was a difficult situation, Ash knew there was someone in there, Tommy knew that Ash knew. Tommy could also tell that Ash had come to apologise. “I, uh, I got these for you. Sorry. I’ll uh- I’ll leave them here.” Ash said, placing them on the floor outside Tommy’s flat.
“Ash!” a familiar voice called just as Ash turned to leave. His head quickly whipped back around. “What’s with the flowers? Who died?” James tried to joke, quickly earning a glare from Tommy. The cogs seeming to finally turn in James’ head.
“That’s my best friend, Tom.” Ash said, completely ignoring James. “And we’re both consenting adults and honestly, I don’t need your permission to sleep with people.” Tommy said bitterly. “I just didn’t think you would sleep with my best friend.” Ash replied.
James was clearly confused by the whole situation, sensing he should go. “I didn’t think you would sleep with random fucking girls at parties when you had a boyfriend.” He had a good point. Ash was the last guy that could tell Tommy who he can hook up with
With that, James quickly announced he was leaving, the two left staring at each other. “That’s why I came.” Ash clarified as if it wasn’t more than obvious. “I don’t want to hear it, Ash, it's draining.” Tommy said, still letting Ash come in. Clearly part of him still wanted to hear it. Ash picked up the flowers as he came in, setting the bouquet down on Tommy’s counter.
“Me and James aren’t dating, we never had sex, we were going to but-” Tommy started to explain. “It’s none of my business.” Ash said sincerely. The thought of James and Tommy tore him apart of course. Although Ash highly doubts James would ever hurt Tommy, let alone like he did.
“It’s your business if I was only going to do it to get back at you. Which is shitty and I’m sorry.” Tommy said sorry to him for something that hadn’t even happened yet. “God don’t say sorry to me.” Ash’s eyes welling up, Tommy’s following suit.
“I spoke to Wilbur. I told him everything,” Ash said, looking at the floor, making eye contact with Tommy was far too much right now. “I know I said sorry, but I said it in hopes you would forgive me, which was wrong.” He continued, his voice wobbling. “I really fucked you over, it really is completely unforgivable I wish I could give you a reason or an explanation. It was like when you told me you loved me, i had an intense feeling i would fuck everything we had up, like it was a timebomb. Then she came along and i dont know why the fuck i did it. I dont even know her fucking name Toms. She hasn't even crossed my mind, I don't think I was even thinking about her while it happened. I'm really sorry for hurting you, and this doesn't have any hidden intention. It really is my biggest regret.” Ash said, He was finally looking at Tommy by the time he had finished talking.
“Thank you.” Tommy said. He was more than crying at this point. When he said he wanted an apology from Ash that’s exactly what he needed. “I just, really don't know what to do.” He whispered, he wanted to fall right back into Ash’s arms for everything to go back to how it was.
“You were right when you said I still love you.” He said. Ash doesn't really remember saying that part, although he isn’t shocked he said it. “I love you too.” Ash said, the devastating expression on his face wasn’t helping. “We can do this, slowly.” Tommy said, that was more than good enough for Ash.
“Slowly.” Ash said, his forehead resting against Tommy’s.
+
“You’re perfect.” Ash whispered. A kiss placed on Tommy’s forehead. The sun was shining on Tommy’s hair, he was definitely due a haircut but Ash liked it like this. Ash would describe him as angelic. Tommy stirred, his head moving to Ash’s chest, he never was a morning person.
Ash smiled, his hand playing with Tommy’s hair. “Good Morning” Ash whispered again, he had never been more glad that something worked out. “I’m going to marry you someday.” Ash said. He wasn’t sure if Tommy was even awake. “All you have to do is ask.” Tommy mumbled against Ash.
“Let me buy you a nice ring first.” Ash said fondly. Tommy pressed himself closer to Ash.
That sounded perfect.
They did it. Slowly.