Work Text:
it was october when jisung went missing.
a month later, november, his body was found.
and another month later, in december, minho was charged with first degree murder.
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and when they took him away, i was left with all of these questions tormenting me that’ll be forever unanswered.
the charge for first degree was harsh.
first degree meant it was intentional, it was planned, thought out and specifically meant to kill its victim.
and to me, that just didn’t sound logical.
our minho, planning and executing a murder.
killing another human being.
killing our jisung.
his jisung.
no matter how hard i tried to make sense of things, i couldn’t.
of course, you’d never think of your friends like that. why would you?
i’ve lived with these guys all my life.
they’re my family, i know them like the back of my very own hand.
even when jisung and minho moved out the dorm, being the first to do so, we never grew apart.
how could we ever stay apart after being together for so long anyway?
i never doubted them.
they seemed happy.
it was no secret they moved out to be more private together, after all, everyone knew about their relationship.
and even when they moved out, nothing had changed, they stayed the same.
just…minho and jisung.
in my eyes, i could see them getting engaged sometime soon too.
minho had been hinting at wanting to marry jisung one day a lot.
so why…?
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the first days and weeks when jisung had disappeared, minho had been panicking a lot.
he came down to my apartment and asked me for help, asked everyone for help.
we looked for him, everywhere.
tried contacting him in every way possible.
and minho was a fucking mess.
he was devastated.
that’s what it looked like at least.
i mean, who wouldn’t be worried sick?
i didn’t ever think of the possibility of jisung already being…gone, at that time.
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i remember my stomach dropping when i heard he was found.
i didn’t get told.
nobody informed me.
i was watching documentaries on youtube when the news broke online.
yeah, i had to find out online.
breaking: body of missing k-pop idol han jisung from stray kids found in lake.
i threw up, for like an hour straight.
and after, i tried contacting minho.
we all did.
when i drove down to the dorm, everything was a mess, just an absolute bunch of panicked kids.
just like back in the day.
except this time, it wasn’t cute.
when i drove up to their house to check on minho, no one responded to the door.
he didn’t respond to his calls either.
no one was able to reach him anymore.
for a month, a whole fucking goddamned month i didn’t know where he was.
for a whole fucking month i worried, on top of having to stomach all of this, having to somehow accept this horrible outcome…
for a whole fucking month i had to worry about minho too.
the worst of thoughts crossed my mind.
and how could they not?
it was no secret minho could barely live without jisung, like ever.
and for that whole month, my search continued, this time for minho.
he was absolutely nowhere to be found.
and after a few weeks, i slowly started losing my mind aswell.
at some point, i tried to become friends with the thought of him gone too.
it would’ve…made sense, even though it hurt.
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but the next time i had my stomach drop was when i found out minho was found, too.
and though this time, it was no terrible, horrible announcement of his death…
it was still the worst case scenario.
breaking: k-pop idol lee minho from stray kids arrested for first degree murder after having killed boyfriend and bandmate han jisung.
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i don’t know which would’ve been easier to stomach, to be honest.
accepting another death, or accepting that minho had in fact…murdered jisung.
and as i am writing this, i am still shaking.
it’s been months and i am still shaking at the thought of minho performing such acts.
our minho.
our lee know.
my oldest.
besides trying not to lose my fucking mind, i’ve been continuously trying to find answers.
to this day, i can’t catch a break.
sometimes, i even blame myself for it.
i know it’s not my fault, nowhere near it.
i’m just slowly starting to freak out, trying to make sense of things, trying to catch a rest.
should i have been there?
should i have noticed something?
should i have stayed with minho?
when your brain feels conflicted and your emotions act up, it tries to find a logical explanation to things.
it’s what the human brain does.
it can’t rest until it has found a plausible reason as to why exactly things happened the way they did.
and i was desperately looking for a reason.
i am, while writing this still, looking for it.
i’m still hoping for something new to come out, to hear from minho someday, to know.
i still hope for possibilities of him…not being guilty, in any way possible.
he was framed, maybe he was threatened.
something like that.
because lee minho would not ever kill another human being.
minho would not even kill a bug.
and minho would not do any harm to jisung.
never.
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none of us are okay.
we haven’t been the same.
i moved back to the dorm, temporarily.
judging by the looks of it, i’ll be staying here for more than just a while though.
it’s been years, but i still feel like i’m responsible for them.
and now, more than ever, i want to protect them, at any cost.
maybe it’s just me freaking out over things, but i have this lingering feeling inside me, this feeling telling me to watch over them.
like i’m afraid something might happen to them too if i don’t look out for them.
and though i’m certain, no, i’m hoping it’s just a feeling…
i can’t bring myself to go back home.
not until my questions are finally answered.
not until i find peace.
not only for myself, but for jisung too.
and hopefully…minho aswell.
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why would you ever do that, lee minho?