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„Can we talk?“ Audrey stared at the text she had received seconds earlier. She had just made it home. She hadn’t even broken up with Neil a day ago. She wasn’t sure what there was to talk about. But she also could not ignore him like that. After all, she hadn’t really given him a chance to say anything. He deserved to say his piece. Even if it was just to tell her how cold hearted she was or whatever he’d like to throw at her head. She knew him, he needed to let his blame out in order to move on. Biting her lip, she texted him back. She didn’t dare to call, she doubted her emotions could handle that. “Sure.” The one word was all she texted him. Expecting him to pull her aside at work tomorrow. She appreciated, she asked beforehand. He was considerate, when he wanted to be. Still, if he wanted to talk, he could have to do the majority of it. There was nothing left to say on her part.
Not even a minute later there was a knock on her door. She dearly hoped, it was a neighbour to complain that a package had been brought to them, again. But she knew it wouldn’t be so easy. Although, Lim had to admit, she was surprised that Neil didn’t just continue like nothing had happened, like had done after his previous break-ups, she had gotten to witness over the years. Honestly, it was what she had hoped for. Deciding to get his over with, she took a deep breath and opened her front door. And sure enough, there was standing Melendez. Still in his work clothes, but with take away from her favourite restaurant in hand.
“I thought talking might be a bit easier with food.” He answered, holding the bag up awkwardly, before making his way in without waiting to be invited.
“I highly doubt it.” Lim mumbled, closing the door behind him. She was only dressed in her leggings and a comfy shirt. Not really in the mood to see anyone, especially not him. But he didn’t seem to care. He walked over to the kitchen, got them some cutlery and put the food on plates, before bringing them to the table. Acting as if he was at home. Something that wasn’t that far off, but seemed so strange now, given the context. Audrey started to consider he hadn’t heard her yesterday, which was impossible. Nothing about his nonchalant behaviour made sense. So, she just stood awkwardly in her hall, watching him through the open wooden blinds.
“It’s probably more comfortable to eat, if you sit down. But that could be just me.” Neil told her, once he was done setting the table, taking off his jacket and opening all the containers. His voice lighter than she had expected it to be. She wasn’t sure exactly sure, what she had expected. But this was not it.
Lim just nodded and made her way over. She wasn’t hungry. Yet eating did seem better than talking. “Thanks for dinner, I guess.” She told him, making sure to look at the food and not at him. This was surreal. She wasn’t in control of the situation and she hated it. Emotions weren’t her strong suit to begin with. Now, she sitting across from her ex-boyfriend, apparently having dinner to talk. After handling emotions, talking was right up on that list of not her strong suits. She just wanted him to talk and get this over with. She had no clue what she was doing in that moment. So, she focused on the smell of the food.
“You’re welcome.” He answered, smiling at her, before digging in himself. After waiting to see that Lim truly did eat, he took a deep breath and started talking. “I have been thinking. And your arguments don’t make sense. Everything you’ve said, would have made sense after my patient had died and I behaved like an asshat. But now? After we worked through that? Granted, you did mostly the work, but still we got through it and moved on. Things had been fine for weeks. So, no, I don’t buy them. So, I started thinking about what could have changed. And there was only one thing. Well, two. I’ve told you I love you and you offered to look for a different hospital to work at. That has nothing to do with you not being enough for me, or the job being in our way. But everything to do with us. And you.” He paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and continued his monologue quietly, barely louder than a whisper. Audrey was still more interested in the plate than him, but he could she was listening to his every word. “I think, you have realized how much I mean to you. And you can’t handle that vulnerability. And took the easy way out. Claiming you’re putting the job before us. Which is probably partly true. But I think the true reason you broke up with me, is because you are afraid how real we are. You’ve said so yourself, ever since your divorce you don’t trust real anymore. Am I wrong?” Neil asked gently, not trying to make her look at him and his voice was clam and soft. This wasn’t meant to be a confrontation. He just wanted them to be on the same page now.
Audrey swallowed down the food, she had barely chewed, while he had talked. Not able to look up, she just nodded her head once.
“Well, that’s a no. It probably scared you too, how much you were willing to give up for me? Changing jobs is huge. Especially considering that St. Bons has become our home. Something, you probably had never thought you’d do for anyone. And me saying no, made you question whether I was as committed as you. Because you saw this as the only solution to our problems. Which made you insecure, something you rarely are. Right?” He continued, afterwards eating a bit of his food, to give her some time to take his words in. Knowing she needed a few moments. He was walking a thin line and if he’d overwhelm her too much, she’d just throw him out and his only chance was gone. Once she had taken a bite as well, he continued, trying to lift up his voice. Hoping the next part would make her feel a bit happier.
“You see, the reason why I didn’t want you to apply, is quite simple. I probably should have told you beforehand, but I was afraid it wouldn’t work out. The truth is, I didn’t want to compete against you there in the run for Chief, as well.” Melendez knew this would get her attention and indeed, she finally looked up. Her eyes big, mouth slightly open. But no words came. “Look, I’m not just doing this for you. And I won’t withdraw my application, just because you broke up with me. I admit, you were a big reason to do it. But, I also want to be chief. And I know at St. Bons that won’t happen anytime soon, they’ve got the perfect Chief.” He tried to explain, knowing it was crucial she believed him.
Audrey continued to stare at him, food completely forgotten. The only thing that let him know she was still present and listening, were her fixed gaze on him and her rapid breathing.
“Now that that’s said, I want you to know, I get it. I mean, I get why you broke up with me. Because I get why you are so scared. You’re in love not only with me, Neil, but also with Melendez, your biggest competition since our intern days. And I probably haven’t helped back in the days. But I know now, how hard those days were for you. Always having to prove yourself twice as hard as us, men. You were never allowed to show any feelings. If you showed too many Pitstain would use it against you. Declare you as weak and not fit to be a surgeon who has to make tough decisions. If you showed too little you were the cold-hearted bitch. So, you became detached. From everything personal. The only thing you focus on is the treatment, not the patient. Not that you don’t treat your patients well. You’re still a masterclass in empathy. You just put the best out come first. Which makes you such a great trauma surgeon. But I do think, this has impacted you more than you realise or like to admit. All these years of having to be perfect, of never being allowed to screw up, of always being under scrutiny and never being allowed to set one foot wrong or even show nervousness, any emotions to be honest. They made you an outstanding doctor, but they also made you harden your shell. And I threaten that shell. It makes you realise you can’t be perfect. And for a perfectionist like yourself, this must be very scary.” He elaborated, standing her gaze, trying to show with his eyes that he meant every single word.
“Is that why you came here? To tell me all my flaws?” Audrey whispered, trying to hold herself together, which was getting harder with every word he said.
“No. Not at all. I should have also said that I know, you always made sure, I could never see your insecurities. You were probably too afraid I could use them against you. And I won’t say, I wouldn’t have done it. We both know I was an ass during residency, just trying to be better than everyone else. And I knew I couldn’t beat you in certain aspects. I get why being vulnerable around me now seems impossible. I’m not saying you aren’t soft. Because you are. You can be so empathic with your patients, with the residents. And as a girlfriend as well, don’t get me wrong. But only as long as it doesn’t affect you. As soon as it gets too close to you, you’re hard. Because you have needed to be invulnerable for so long. And that is partly my fault. You never showed us when you were hurting, when you were breaking apart. Even through those gruesome shifts, the most vulnerable you allowed yourself to be around me, was to admit you’re tired or to watch a movie. You’ve never said how much it all affected you. You always soldiered on. Always. To this day. Remember when Karen died? It was the first time you questioned us, not because we weren’t working. But because I got under your skin. You did nothing wrong. You couldn’t have prevented her brain death. And you knew it. But, the idiot I sometimes am, made you doubt. And it scared you. Because you’d never allowed that to happen. Up until then, you had always stood your ground against me. We always went down with our ships. We were always fighting that we had the best treatment option, until one of the attendings decided. Then we worked perfectly, but before that? I have no idea, how many hours I had spent searching for weaknesses in your approaches and I’m sure you invested even more time.” Neil smiled for a moment, thinking back at all the times they tore each other’s head off. “Audrey, the way you were treated as a resident, it is a disgrace. Something nobody acknowledges nowadays. We always talk about how far we’ve come. I doubt anyone has ever apologized for how hard they made your life, just because you were a woman. And I am so sorry, I never stood up for you back then. I probably made it even worse. And the fact, that I went over your head as Chief nowadays, didn’t help either. But I do respect you. More than anyone else. I made the mistake and let our relationship influence our work dynamic. Not you. I’m sorry about that, too. I’m sorry about a lot of things. Anyway, what I want to say is, you are imperfect. But that’s the thing. Every one of us is. Especially me. Please don’t tell anyone I admit to that. But you are perfectly imperfect to me. And everything we’ve just talked about, that can stay our secret. I won’t tell anyone, that even the great Dr. Lim has insecurities that run deeper than most would guess. I love you, Audrey. With all of my heart. And my heart breaks, when I think of all the pain you had to go through. You never deserved that. Any of it. The fact that you had to hide it, it makes it even worse. And I get if you can’t be in a relationship with me. Because I am part of that pain. I’m probably responsible for more than I’ll ever know. Especially the second year of residency, I made your life a living hell, simply because I tried to build a competition you weren’t even interested in. Another fight you had to fight, you didn’t want. You never signed up for any of this. Still, you stood your ground and faced everything I threw at you. All this, that’s something I will never be able to make up for, no matter how hard I try. And let’s be honest, I haven’t really tried before now. Because we moved on from that and it never came up again. Sometimes I wonder how our friendship survived all that.” Neil continued, trying for once to stand to his mistakes and to not blame anyone else or find excuses. Audrey just stared him down, not knowing what to make of all this. “I came here for two reasons. No. Three. First, I’m in love with you and I want you to know that. It won’t change, just because you broke up with me. I won’t change my mind about us. I do think we could be great together. Second, I have applied to the Chief position a couple of weeks ago. My interview is at the beginning of next week. Third, I want you to know, I understand why you broke up with me. And no matter how much I would like for you to change your mind, I don’t expect that. But I know you, Aud, you do blame yourself. You blame yourself for stuff you have no control over. This relationship failing, is not only on you. It’s on me too. Hell, it’s not only on us. The hospital and our past play a huge part in it too. Obviously, I haven’t been the perfect boyfriend. I came by tonight, because I want you to not blame yourself about that. We can’t change the past. I get if you think we can’t work through it. But I know, you’ll never find closure for us, as long as you think it was your fault alone. Which, again, it is not. Far from it. You’ve fought so hard. And if you can’t anymore, I get it. It’s my fault, for not having pulled my weight. For not seeing it sooner. And if you can’t see our bright future, which I’d love to show to you, I understand that too. Actions have consequences and I haven’t supported you enough. For which I am so sorry. So, that’s it. I’ve said everything I wanted to say. You can throw me out now.” Neil tried to laugh at the end, hating the tension in the room. Audrey still hadn’t reacted to anything he had said. She just kept staring at him, with big, teary eyes. Her eyes being the only part of her body that she allowed to show vulnerability. Which was shining bright. Neil could see he had hit a sore spot. All he wanted was to take her in his arms, kiss her head and tell her everything will be fine. He hated that he couldn’t do that anymore. So he continued to sit still and keep her gaze. Letting her decide how to continue.
Lim just sat there, without any game plan. She rarely was in a situation of which she had no control over at all. Usually, she tried to make sure to avoid these. Hence the break-up. Therefore, she had no idea how to handle all that. Because the problem was, he was not wrong. He had said things, that were so true, she barely acknowledged them herself. And now he called her out. There was no way to refute them. She wasn’t sure she wanted to refute them. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do about all of this. What was even worse was the compassion she found in his face. It wasn’t pity. She could see he was hurting for her. It broke so many things inside of her, she had no idea what to.
“St. Bons is going to miss you so much.” It just blurted out of her, probably because she had been so busy trying to sort her thoughts that she forgot to think about what her mouth was doing.
“I’ll miss it, too. I’ll miss working with you, too.” Neil answered, after swallowing. “That’s all you have to say?” He asked cautiously. Of course, he meant what he said, when he had told her that he understood if there was no going back for her. Still, there had been hope. Getting that taken away as well, wasn’t easy. But he tried, for once, to not let his emotions be the subject of the conversation. He could deal with his heartbreak later.
“I don’t know. You’ve said a lot. A lot of what is probably true. But I don’t know, how you knowing, how broken I am, helps anything. Even if I want to, I won’t magically become softer and less scared, just because you know about it.” Audrey whispered, playing with her food and only giving him some looks between her words.
“That’s the thing. You needn’t be. I’m willing to work through it with you. To find our way. We can learn to live with that. But you have to want that. I can only imagine how hard it is to open up to me. And I do hope that I get the job, because I think it would take a lot of the pressure off. I can see how much you fought, especially at the beginning to get out of your comfort zone. I’ve never appreciated it before. Even if you don’t think we can make it work, I do think you need to confront those feelings. Otherwise, I doubt you’ll manage to be happy in any relationship. And you deserve to be happy and loved.” He answered, his voice even and calm, except for the fridge, the only source of sound in the otherwise quiet apartment.
“I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Or how long it’ll take. This… wall, it has started long before our residency days. It’s part of me.” She told him, having to look down in order not to cry.
“And this is okay. It doesn’t need to go. I would never want you to change that. I guess, it’s a big reason why you are always so even tempered and clear headed at work. Why you never get loud, but always manage to be heard. The question is, concerning us, or any relationship for the matter, if you feel like you can let somebody else in, and allow yourself to be vulnerable around them. Not everybody. Just some selected people. Again, I get it, if it can’t be me. A huge part of that wall was probably sponsored by me. But, I love you, Aud, and I want the best for you. I do think you need to face all that. And if you still want to be with me, then I’m more than happy to prove you what we have is real. That the vulnerability is worth it.” He tried to be as gentle as possible, never wanting her to feel bad. Neil was about to reach his hand out to hers, but decided against it. Not wanting to pressure her to accept his suggestions. After all, he could only tell her his thoughts from the outside. Only Lim could know if he was right or not.
“I’m trying my best to not do what I always do. So, I’m really lost right now. I don’t know what to say or do.” Audrey admitted, biting her lip. She watched his hand, wanting to take it, but denying herself the comfort. Too afraid to get his hopes up, when she had no idea where she stood.
“You don’t have to say or do anything. If you’d like I can stay and we eat the dinner together. Either talking about random stuff or eat in silence. Or, I can leave. And we never talk about this evening again.” He answered, still in his gentle voice, still being nothing but supportive.
“You can stay if you like. But that wasn’t what I meant. What about… us? I don’t know what to do about us.” Audrey answered, this time a bit faster, her voice just as insecure as before.
Neil gave her an encouraging smile. The fact that she even asked, showed him she was trying and it warmed his heart. But it was a hard question. He didn’t know the answer either. So, he tried to go for a compromise.
“What about we treat our relationship like Schrodinger’s cat? It’s neither dead nor alive, as long as you need to figure out what you need. I doubt anyone dares to ask you about our relationship and I’ll just tell them that we’d like to not talk about at the hospital because of HR thinking we’re broken up. And I’ll be here, waiting for you to figure it out. If you want this vulnerability in your life, if you want to have a relationship with me. I’ve meant what I said, I’m in love with you. That won’t change, just because you need some time.” Neil assured her.
Audrey nodded and stared at him. Torn between being safe and being with Neil. She wanted to give him something at least. “I meant my I love you. And I meant when I said I love my work. But it’s not the same kind of love. You’re right about calling me out, it’s just an excuse. You’re right about a lot of things you’ve just said.” She told him, holding his gaze. “Still, love doesn’t conquer all.”
“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that. The ‘I love you’-part. For once, I would have been happy about not being right.” Neil smiled at her, returning her look. Even if it was too late, he finally wanted to pull his weight and be there for her. No matter the outcome for him.
Audrey just huffed, rolling her eyes, trying to get out of this state she had been in since he started talking. It felt like the insecurities tried to break out of their cage. And she just wasn’t sure if she could let them. She had no idea who she’d be, if she lost her confidence in herself. No matter how much she loved Neil, she wasn’t sure if she could allow that. Or if he still loved her, once she wasn’t the woman he fell in love with anymore. Should she allow herself to be weak? She hadn’t been weak since her early college days. Learning very quickly that the only way to make it through had been by being strong and hard. At every step of the way. There had never been any leeway for her, she couldn’t believe there was now. After all, she was the first woman as Chief. She had, once again, so much to prove.
“It’s too much at once. The new position, our change in dynamic, our relationship. I can’t handle it.” Audrey blurted out, not even having the strength anymore to keep it bottled up. She hated feeling that lost.
“That’s the thing, you don’t have to handle it alone, if you don’t want to.” Neil offered, standing up, to sit next to her. She looked so pale, he was afraid she’d faint. The way he knew her, she had barely eaten since their interaction yesterday.
“Until now, I had to.” Lim argued, not letting him off the hook so easily. She wouldn’t buy into empty promises.
“I know. I haven’t been the best boyfriend. Scratch that, I’ve been a crappy one. Because you carried it all, for me it went great. Well, it went fine. I could see us having a hard time adjusting to you being Chief, but I was convinced it would change, should I get the job. My ego kept me from confiding in you and telling you sooner. I was afraid of the pity if I don’t get. Telling you would probably have avoided a lot of heart ache for us. I need to learn to open up more, too. But I didn’t see your other struggles. And I wouldn’t have, if you hadn’t broken up with me, out of nowhere. Since you left, I have done nothing but trying to understand how we could get to that point. You telling me you love me and breaking up with me in the same sentence. And I realised a lot of things. I won’t be able to make up for everything tonight. I can only do that, if you decide to give us a second chance. But, I can promise you, I have woken up. You know me, I don’t do this. I don’t fight for relationships. If my heart gets broken, I pretend to be fine until I am. I’m not setting myself up for more heart ache. But this is me trying. Because I know a lot of this on me. I also know I can do better.” He answered, biting his lip. He was hurting, for her, for them, for him. So much was in jeopardy right now.
“Thank you for saying that.” Audrey breathed out, hearing him take some responsibility did make her feel better. Not because she wanted him to feel bad, but because it reassured her that she hadn’t been wrong. Without thinking, she put her head on his shoulder and breathed out deeply, just taking everything in. Trying to come to terms with what had been said.
“You’ve been strong for us for so long, let me be strong for us now? While you figure everything out?” Neil whispered, softly putting his arm around her and kissing her head.
“That’s going to be a long while.” Audrey mumbled in his chest. Not really comfortable, with the gap of the chairs between them, but she didn’t care. Being in his arms, it finally let her heartbeat and breath get back to a regular pace again. She noticed, how she needed his comfort and didn’t have it in herself to deny herself that.
“We have time. I’m not ging anywhere, if you don’t want me to.” Melendez whispered, kissing her head again, trying to get closer to her. “Except for the couch maybe. These chairs aren’t made for cuddling.” He offered, knowing she wouldn’t eat anything more any time soon.
Lim hadn’t said a word in minutes, nor had she moved. Her head had stayed on his shoulder and her fingers were softly stroking his knee.
“We can go, sit on the couch if you like.” She whispered after some time. When she felt him, trying to not move and get in a more comfortable position, because it would mean they’d be farther apart.
Neil just nodded and walked over to the sofa with her. As soon as they sat down, Lim was back to being close to him. Taking his hands in hers.
“While we’re having a Schrodinger’s relationship, how will things be between us?” She whispered a couple of minutes later, her eyes never leaving their joint hands.
“We’ll follow your pace. You call me when you need me. I’ll be there. If you want us to spend time together, we will. If you need some time to figure everything out on your own, that’s fine, too. I know this won’t be a fast process. Don’t freak out, just because we haven’t figured everything out, yet. We’ll play it by ear.” Neil answered, not really knowing how to do all of this either. But for the first time in his life, he wanted to try. Especially, after realizing that he made a lot of mistakes, as well.
“Okay. Thank you.” Audrey said, a bit louder and more confident, turning her head to him. It didn’t feel right to kiss him just yet. But she did lean in to kiss his cheek. It wasn’t a lot but considering that they were broke up not even twenty-four hours ago, this seemed still huge.
Lim had no idea where the future would take them. If they would make it. But just these last couple of minutes, having someone understand her. Be on her side, it made her feel a bit lighter. She wanted to try. Neil was one of the people she trusted the most. He had seen her struggles. There wasn’t a lot to lose now anyway, but she could gain so much if she really worked through it and had someone next to her. Someone she could confide in. This wasn’t the solution. But this was a start.