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Hoseok couldn’t understand how things went south so fast.. This morning he was so happy, so content and so overjoyed by the fact that his boyfriend will come back from his business trip in Japan.
He asked his head nurse if it was possible to get out of work a little faster than usual,and when he got a soft smile from Seokjin, a gentle pat on the shoulder and a “ you will work just half a shift today, don’t worry, i’ll cover it for you” from him, it felt like the fates were smiling down on him.
But, like usual, all good things have to end at some point, don’t they?
“Code red, code red!” He heard a few hours later, Seokjin's stone cold face yelling to the nursing/doctors station while going back to the neonatal ward.
Hoseok’s heart stopped for just one second, before his feet started running towards the room Jin had rushed to. He knew that baby…
It was the baby boy Hoseok had delivered just 2 days ago, Jaebum. He was born prematurely, his mother desperate to keep him alive, valuing his life over hers until her last breath. The child had only known the affection of doctors and nurses, his father too absent in his grief to look.
The poor baby was struggling to live, trying to get another breath every single second. His organs were under-developed, his lungs needing help to take every struggling breath, and his small heart fluttering like fragile butterfly wings faltering in flight, unpleasant fluctuations putting the baby in NICU, every moment unsure and risky.
But… Hoseok was always one to hope.
He had spent his spare time in the cramped chair, unused next to his incubator, talking in a soft hushed voice to the little baby who had only known life inside the incubator, plastic separating him from everything beyond that Hoseok hoped he would grow old enough to love: parks and flowers and butterflies.
So when Seokjin interrupted his routine check and pushed the code red button, his voice was loud as it scratched the warning through his desperation out into ward code red. Hoseok felt like the world was ripped out from under him, spinning uneasily, turning from simple to horrible. He knew… Hoseok knew this day would become one of the worst.
It became hectic, a blur that the practitioner nurse couldn’t get a hold of, after that. Rushed loud voices cut through the ward mapping what to be done there was an air of desperation, the collected controlled kind that only happened in hospitals. The kind that came from years facing death and trying to deny its inevitability.
Here, the patients barely knew life, they had hardly touched its beginning and death was already hovering over them. Hoseok wanted to cry, to scream, to beg for more time. But instead he did what he had too, what he had been taught, the motions he knew too well.
Frantic beeping noises, aching flatlines, doctors giving CPR, a tiny body unprepared for the frantic violence of denying death.
Hoseok held onto the mantra. Breathe, Live, breathe. Live
At some point the grandparents arrived desperate to know what was happening, hand-stopping nurses as they passed them in the hall, asking, begging for a different ending.
Hoseok wished there was a different ending, he'd write it himself, if it would just consist of a beating heart…. Instead the flat line ran long and cut through the deafening silence as familiar hands stilled, retreated, going through the motions they knew, a dull voice reading the clock.
Time of death.
Hoseok knew what he had to do, knew the script as he stepped into the hallway, achingly numb, he was familiar with the next part, his empathy, sympathy, sorrow knowing how to comfort as he walked up to the grandparents to deliver the news to the family, the emptiness crowded around him as heard them cry, he didn't remember the remaining hours or the journey home, he only knew he was walking through his own front door, and finally he could let the mask of professionalism fall, the facade fell away and left him to the collapse of an awful day, silent, brutal sobs building in his chest as he slipped his shoes off and put them next to another's.
Collapsing on the floor, collapsing on himself, his world collapsing with it, a flimsy house of cards toppling down. He couldn't stop crying. He couldn't stop blaming himself.
How? How couldn't he foresee this? He'd spent the first hour of morning with the child… Why couldn't he understand the severity? How? Why? For what reason the fates decided to take that baby?
Why did he keep losing them?
Hoseok was vaguely aware he was hyperventilating. Each breath sting and slicing through him.
“Oh, my baby….” a soft rumbling voice startled him from his stupefaction , long and warm hands gathering the fallen nurse to a costume-clad chest, a broad one too. “ I am here now, my love, I am here… let it all out…” the voice said, melting Hoseok and giving him some support.
Against his chest, Hoseok focused, he breathed with him, made his chest fall into sync, his body knowing the other's as if it was his own. Until they were breathing together, evenly, safely.
The arms that were holding him helped him up to his unsteady legs, making him stand.
“Love, let's get you out of these scrubs and prepare you a hot bath. And while you are getting the pamper you need, I will be making us dinner… How about kimchi jjigae?” the voice asked softly, while both of them were moving towards their bathroom.
“Yoon….” Hoseok started, stumbling along on unsteady feet, tear stained face looking towards the voice, only tho unseeing the face he so desperately wanted to see, blurry vision be damned.
“I am here, baby love, I am here now…” Yoongi said softly, warm hands and soft touches undressing him slowly, afraid that any brusque movement he may do will break the younger boy even harder.
The soft hum of the hot water startled Hoseok a little bit. Was he so out? He guessed so.
“Go on, little dove. Get in there and try to relax… I love you!” Yoongi say softly, helping him into the bathtub.
Hoseok realises he was so out if that he had missed when Yoongi put his preferred bath bomb in, the blue one, the one that makes the water look like a little universe.
He eased himself in the water, the temperature just perfect. Closing his eyes, he lets himself relax, little by little, now that Yoongi is here.
“ Let yourself relax more, my love. I will put on some music now, ok? That piano compilation you love…” his husband mumbled , taking his phone out of his pocket and connecting to the surround system, then undressing himself, fast. “ Scoot a little bit forward, please!” he continues, entering the bath behind Hoseok.
His husband starts massaging his tensed muscles with a little pressure, like he always does when bad days happen. Humming the soft music that they hear, Hoseok is getting under this feeling of peace and quietness, his messy mind finally getting the time out it needed.
Hoseok doesn't know how much time goes by, he just knows he feels a little more like himself when Yoongi makes him get out of the almost cold water.
The two husbands move in the kitchen, Yoongi making the later sit at the table while he prepares the food.
“I lost the baby today…” hoseok starts, slowly, softly, almost whispering. “I lost the baby I told you about on the phone, the one that was born prematurely.” He hears the movements stop, then the pot being moved from the burning stove and hands on his face.
Oh, he is crying again…. He thought, seeing how Yoongi is using his sweater paw to dry his cheeks.
“Oh, little dove… “ his husband softly says, cradling his face in his big hands.
Yoongi always had huge hands…..
“And you're blaming yourself, aren't you? That is why it hit you so hard?” he continues to ask, making Hoseok look in his eyes.
The latter nods, a small hiccup being heard in the mostly silent kitchen.
“Baby, I need you to listen to me closely, ok?” Yoongi starts, putting a little force in his voice, even though it's a little strangled. “ You did everything you could to save that baby. You’ve been there, almost 24h, 7 days out of 7, near that little one since the day he saw the little of day. But baby, sometimes the divinities, the universe, the life whatever, takes the ones that aren't ready for this harsh world. Imagine the baby surviving. “
Yoongi stops and averts his eyes in thought, then looks back at his husband.
“Do you think that father would have loved him? Or that he would have been properly cared for by his aged grandparents? Or that this harsh world would have taken him kindly in their arms when he was an almost orphan? What would have happened if the father decided he didn't want him and his grandparents died? You told me that the baby doesn't have other relatives.” Yoongi soft lisp enters his tirade, making Hoseok smile a little.
“My dove, life isn't kind to a lot of us. This life is a harsh one , a burdening one, especially for those with special cases like ours or that baby. We both know that.” he stops to take a long breath in.
“ Jung Hoseok. You are the light of all those babies you take care of. You are the nurse who helps a lot of struggling parents. You are the sun for a lot of people. Unfortunately, days where the clouds cover the sun exist. And unfortunately there is rain too. And snow, let's not forget the snow.” he chuckles a little, continuing. “ But the sun always finds its way to us. And always shines brighter after a good rain.”
Hoseok smiles softly hearing his husband's gentle words.
“I love you. I love how you are, so bright! I love your moments of quietness, your moments of sadness. I love your moments of little smiles when you watch me thinking I can't see you. I love when you close your eyes and hum when I play the piano. I love your passion for dance, even though your knee gives you problems. I love when you play with the kittens outside our flat and how you always make puppy eyes at me to bring them in. I love how powerful your heart loves everything and everyone and how passionate you are for your job and your little ones. I love how shiny your eyes go after you deliver a baby successfully. I love your quiet moments when you are in your head and I love how your love feels. Jung Hoseok, the light of my life, you are such an important person not just for me, but for everyone. You are the part of this world that makes the shittiness of it better. You are the reason thousands of babies breathe and smile and grow happy right now, but you are also the reason for comfort for those who lost theirs. You aren't just my everything. You are everyone’s everything! And that is why I am the luckiest man alive to be able to see you like this.” Yoongi stopped talking abruptly, looking a little lost in his thought process, making Hoseok smile.
His husband , when he gets worked up , is so passionate in his speech that when he ends it, he is left a little breathless.
“Thank you, kitten. Thank you for loving me so passionately and for being the best husband I could have ever get. I always half joke about this, but you truly are my soulmate. I love you, Min Yoongi!” hoseok says, tearing up again, only this time because of happiness.
Today was a shitty day for Hoseok. He knows this day will follow him and he will wear today in his heart for a long time, but having yoongi makes this kind of day a little bit better.