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Standing over her Husband’s hospital bed and watching his chest rise and fall with every painful sounding breath, Grace found herself fighting tears; once more sucked into the vortex of her fear - She might loose Judd, she might loose her man; and she didn’t know what to do with that feeling
Despite all of the scares, she’d never learned
It had never gotten any easier
Stepping forward, Grace let herself fall into the chair pulled over by his bedside, unable to resist thoughts of a future without him - Unfortunately, it was a very real feeling; a very real possibility
Because her man hadn’t woken up, and he hadn’t made it out of the building in time to not sustain a harsh weight on his back
What if he did wake up, but his body was permanently altered?
What if he couldn’t ever work as fireman again?
What if he couldn’t ever walk again?
Reaching for his hand, Grace curled her own around his; careful not to jostle the IV inserted into the back - Twirling his wedding ring between her fingers, Grace couldn’t help but cast her mind to a bright, smiling young woman and a stunning white dress
Fixing the small tiara atop her daughter’s head, Grace stepped back to take in the beauty that was the young woman in front of her; already in tears before she could concern herself with the risk of ruining her makeup
“Oh…Oh, Mama. You’re going to ruin your make-up”
Attempting to smile at the stunning young lady also clearly affected by the emotional load of this day, Grace fretted over herself for potentially ruining this moment; stepping forward to pull her grown-up Baby Girl into her arms - Holding her girl, and feeling the warmth in her body, only enhanced by the chill she’d felt when she realised someone important wasn’t here
And he should be here
“I miss him too…I always imagined he’d be the one to walk me down the aisle”
Having always pictured the exact same thing - And how proud she’d have been to snap pictures of the pair; rivalled only by how proud Judd would have been to give his daughter away - Grace could only hum; fearful if she said a word, she’d dissolve into sobs - But she couldn’t do that, and she owed it to the equally heartbroken young lady in-front of her to be strong
She was going to be strong
God help her, today she was going to be strong
There would be only happy tears on her daughter’s wedding day; she wouldn’t let it be overrun by the grief that had consumed her family for too long
She wouldn’t have it, and he wouldn’t have either
There was a missing person who should be in this room right now; who should be fixing his tie and cracking jokes about not letting his baby go; and they owed it to him to carry on
“He’s here, Avery…He’s always with us in here”
Tapping over her daughter’s heart, Grace felt herself tugged into another hug; the embrace only broken when the door creaked open, and a familiar head popped in
”Not looking…Not looking”
Bursting into unexpected laughter at the handsome young man sauntering in his finery - One hand over his eyes as if they were going to be flaunting their bodies for all to see - Grace took a deep breath to compose herself - To hold herself together - as her girl rolled her eyes at her little brother
Finding it in herself to smile at his incredibly sweet attempt to lighten the load of the day, Grace watched on as Avery moved over; taking Henry’s offered arm and opening the door to the future - Opening her heart too, To a man who’d never replace the one she’d lost far too soon
But who equally deserved a place in her heart
It wasn’t the same, it wasn’t nearly enough; but walking down that aisle with her arm locked with her daughter’s, and her son sharing the responsibility on Avery’s other side, well it was still beautiful - Beautiful in a bittersweet kind of way; only enhanced by the reflection of light glistening from the watch around Henry’s wrist
His watch
He was here with them; walking down this aisle with his Baby Girl in the best way he knew how
And suddenly Grace managed to find it in herself to smile; To be the gushing mother of the bride she always should have been
Blinking back tears, Grace let go of his hand; letting hers drop to the side of the bed as she attempted to compose herself - Finding a way to keep the tears at bay, she leaned forward; brushing Judd’s hair back from his forehead before stroking down his cheek
Brushing her fingers against his stubble, Grace couldn’t help but let her mind wander again; suddenly standing in the doorway watching a teenage boy catch his skin and hiss, as he tried to shave away a budding stubble of his own
Brushing her hand against the doorway, Grace tried not to make a sound; watching on with held breath as her wonderful boy took it upon himself to take one step further into manhood - He was stood in front of the bathroom mirror, shaving on his own; No Daddy to guide him on this crucial journey into his adulthood
And he should be here; He shouldn’t be missing this
Feeling her eyes well when Henry accidentally gave himself a small graze, Grace felt her heart leap to her throat; trying not to intervene as he threw the razor down and looked into the mirror, tears in his eyes as Grace ducked out of his line of vision
Poking back out as he tilted down to face the sink and wash away the blood, Grace was caught off guard when he looked up again, meeting his eyes in the mirror for barely a second before he quickly cast them down, deliberately ignoring her presence - He didn’t want her to see the reddening of his eyes, the brewing of tears
But she knew
And her eyes welled up too
Now in tears, Grace dropped her hands from his entirely; worried about crying over him in case he could hear her - She didn’t want to scare him, to worry him
If he could hear her, he needed her to be strong; to believe in him
Casting her eyes away from him in a bid to distract herself from the pain, she started taking in the room - In the limited decorations - her gaze settling on her daughter’s hoodie slung over a chair in the corner, her son’s cap fallen the floor, and Judd’s helmet sat atop a shelf in the far corner
Finding her gaze lingering on the helmet, Grace thought on everything the 126 and Judd’s career had brought into her life; the good, the bad, and the grey - And with her opening mind, she saw something else; feeling the wind knocked out of her as she preemptively predicted an argument destined to occur if Judd truly was to never awake
Eighteen-year-old son in front of her, Grace found herself yelling; fear manifesting as anger as she took in the information he’d just shared with her - He’d enrolled in the fire academy for the fall semester, giving her just under three weeks to adjust to the most important living man in her life entering into the vocation that had taken her Husband from her
To adjust to her Baby Boy following in his father’s footsteps; But how far?
And how willing was she to sit back and let that danger and uncertainty into her life again?
Yelling and arguing with her son about how unsafe it was, and how this wasn’t the path she wanted for him; Grace found herself stumped by his rebuttal that it was what he wanted for himself, and he was going to do it with or without her support - Suddenly hit with a new fear, Grace found the argument petering out; scared of something new
Of loosing her boy; without actually loosing him
What if she didn’t support him following this path for himself, and he distanced himself?
What if she lost the beautiful relationship she’d worked tirelessly to build with him?
The support, trust and love she’d always given her all to fill him with?
Deescalating the situation with a sigh and an invitation for him to sit with her at the table, Grace encouraged her son to calm down with her; swiftly making clear that she wasn’t here to tell him what to do - As much as she knew what she wanted for him, it wasn’t up to her
He was an adult now, his life was his choice; and she’d promised long ago to support him in whatever he wanted
Clarifying the origin of her anger, Grace enlightened her son to the misunderstanding they’d found themselves in; explaining with a depth she’d never delved into before the toll loosing his father had taken on her - She shared her hesitations; making sure he knew and understood this had nothing to do with her not believing him capable
She knew he could do this, It was in his blood after all; but she didn’t know that she could
She didn’t know that she could survive loosing him (In fact she knew she couldn’t…Not one of her Babies)
Reaching for her hand with a sad sniffle, Henry acknowledged her fear and explained his side; letting her in on how he felt on the matter - Where she feared him embarking on this path because of the past, he knew he had to do it because of what had happened
He had to honour his father; He had to follow in his footsteps because he knew he was born to do it
(And Grace did too; She always had. Since she’d first seen his eyes light up visiting his Daddy at the station - But that didn’t make any of this easier)
Rising and closing the space between her and her youngest Baby, Grace embraced her tall boy who resembled her husband so beautifully; whispering in his ear everything she needed him to know - How proud she was of him, how much she loved him; how amazing he was for becoming the man he was after loosing his father so young
How proud she knew his Daddy would be of him; How he’d have been in the crowd yelling “Atta boy!…That’s my Boy!” As he graduated upon the stage
Laughing tearfully, Henry pulled back enough to tower over Grace; his eyes wet as he sniffled and mumbled “I ain’t even started classes yet, Mama. I won’t be graduating for a long while”
“I know…But you will, Sweetheart. Like you said - It’s what you were born to do”
Pulling him back into her arms, Grace breathed in the smell of Ryder; the perfect mix of aftershave - The very one Judd used to use - and musk - The smell of home; Of the boy she’d raised into a man
Glancing upwards with her chin resting on her son’s shoulder, Grace sent out a plea; knowing her man was listening as she made him promise to keep their boy safe - She could’ve sworn she heard her man’s voice respond, his southern lilt something she’d never forget
She could’ve sworn she’d heard him promise he’d do just that; a content smile on his face as he watched them embrace from wherever he was
And she knew he would
That was why she felt able to let her boy go on this adventure
She knew he had a guardian angel looking over him; She knew an unseen force would keep him safe, would bring him home to her
Jumping back as the monitors and alarms started to go wild, Grace pleaded with Judd to enlighten her what was going on; holding her breath as she was brushed aside - The nurses pushed past, sharing looks over him as he stilled; proving he’d just been seizing, not waking up
Feeling tears spring to her eyes despite her run-dry tear ducts, Grace let her shoulders drop in disappointment; ashamed to admit she’d let herself get her hopes up - That she’d allowed herself a moment’s hope that he might have been coming back to her; that he might have been fighting to come home
That their time might not be up yet
“I’m sorry, Mrs Ryder”
Unwilling to believe what she was being told - To give up hope just yet - Grace fought against the inevitable; pleading for just one more day before they gave up on him - Because she wasn’t ready; she didn’t want to let him go
She couldn’t
“It’s time, Gracie”
Recalling the sadness in her friend’s voice as the woman tried to sway her to accept what the nurses and doctors were telling her, Grace recalled her desperate plea in response, her crippling pain at the very idea of a world without Judson Ryder in it
”…I can’t, T”
But she could
And she knew she had to
Tommy, the nurses, his doctors; they were all right
The time had come; and it was cruel to make him stay
It was only fair on him that she said goodbye
That she gave him permission to rest
Sat over Judd with her heart on her sleeve, and a pain unlike anything she’d ever felt before in her bones; Grace spoke the words she needed to say, choking them out despite the pain they caused
It was time to let him go
To give him permission to let go
To take away his burden of staying for his family; of staying to protect them
Someone had to protect him too; and the best thing she could do for him now was to give him her blessing to rest
“If you need to rest, Darling; If you need to go somewhere else now - That’s okay…We’ll be okay, Baby. I promise you that”
Bending forward to press a kiss against his chapped lips - A final goodbye - Grace lingered for as long as she could; hating the cold she could feel beneath her fingers as she cradled his cheek
“You’ve been my world, Judson Ryder; and now I’m going to take care of yours”
Breaking and sobbing into his chest when he didn’t respond - When the inevitable happened, and the miracle she’d never stopped praying for didn’t occur - Grace barely registered the change in the air until she did, bolting back as the steady flat line of his heart monitor spiked
It couldn’t be; There was no way
But somehow it was
And just when all hope was lost, Judd’s eyes opened and met hers
And all of those possibilities became stories for another time; the chapter ahead one with Judd in it
With a Goodbye that didn’t need to happen yet, saved for another day
One hopefully far in the future