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The fifth crumpled piece of paper bounced off the wall as Kim, frustrated, left out a huff and ran his hands through his hair.
This shouldn’t be that difficult.
It isn’t that difficult. His feelings for Chay aren’t complicated.
Love shouldn’t be complicated.
And yet, Kim can’t find the words to even begin to put pen to paper and try another attempt at getting Chay’s attention. Kim wrote lyrics all the time. He wrote songs that spoke of love and heartbreak and the one who got away. This should be as easy as breathing for Kim.
And yet.
He took a deep breath and got up. Walking around his apartment he went into the kitchen, making himself a cup of coffee, black, how he always had it.
Kim knows what the problem is. He’s trying to tell Chay how he feels but he’s not being honest, with himself or with Chay. He just needed to sit down and say what he really feels. Chay doesn’t deserve to be lied to anymore, to have anymore excuses thrown his way, just the truth.
With that in mind, Kim sat down once more to start his final attempt.
————
Chay dropped his bag by the sofa in his room and turned to grab his guitar.
He paused as something caught his eye.
Slotted through the top strings sat an envelope, sealed with Chay’s name written in fancy black handwriting.
There can only be one person who’d leave him a letter in this way.
Kim.
Chay knows he’s been putting it off. He hadn’t responded to Kim’s song or any of his attempts to contact him. But Chay was scared. Having spoken to both Kinn and Porsche, he knows now that what Kim did, even though it was messed up and broke his heart, he did it because he cared. Cares. Maybe. Chay doesn’t know anymore.
He walked over to the edge of his bed and sat down, envelope in hand.
Okay. Okay. He could do this. It may not have been how he saw his day panning out, but he needed to do this. Okay, deep breath.
Chay slipped his finger underneath the lip of the envelope and pulled the paper inside out.
He was immediately hit with Kim. The smell of coffee, black of course, his dark aftershave and just Kim.
No, no tears, he hadn’t even started reading yet. He unfolded the paper and was met with a letter in Kim’s hand, it read…
Porchay,
How was I to know that when you came in to my life no day would ever be the same? The moment I saw you at that performance, time quite literally seemed to stop and the air settled. You saw me as Wik, your idol, and I let you see me like that. And then I tutored you and we spent more time together. At first, I really did just want to get to know you. You were bright and soft and everything I never had around me. I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame and I couldn’t help but follow.
I’ve been wondering, whether our path was always destined to break. And what I could have done to stop it. And the only answer I can come up with is me. I’m the reason why what we had became broken. I tried, Chay. I tried to keep you away from me and this world, because it’s a death sentence. I know now, that with Porsche and Kinn, you’ll always be a part of this world, and I hate it. I hate that you now have a target on your back just because you know us. But I would do anything to protect you, anything. And if that means staying away then, well, I’ll do it. It would break me, but for you Chay, I’d do anything.
I could spend hours and hours apologising for how I treated you. And I will. I will be sorry for how everything happened for the rest of my life. The selfless part of me, if you can believe I have one, wants you to be happy. Wants you to find the person who will treat you how you deserve, buy you diamond rings and spoil you. The selfish part of me, that I know you can believe I have, wants you for myself.
My world was upside down before I met you. Everything was wrong and I spent my lifetime feeling like the odd one out. I left the family and still I felt like it was everywhere around me. But you came along and you made me feel as though life might be worth living again. Finding the joy in things and letting myself be happy.
A tear dropped onto the paper before Chay could force himself to turn over and continue reading…
A single word, Chay, a single sign from you and I would drop everything. I would do anything to be given another chance. And I know I don’t deserve one. And this letter isn’t me trying to get you to forgive me, well I suppose it is, but it’s really me trying to be honest with you, like you deserve. This letter is my sixth attempt at telling you the truth and I think it’s the only one where I’ve done so. It’s hard for me, Chay. I’m not used to being open and honest, my whole childhood I was taught to keep my cards close to my chest, no one and nothing should be trusted. But you’ve changed that for me. You saw the best in me. You’ve made me realise that that was the lie. If I’m honest, and let myself feel things other than hurt and distrust, there’s so much more out there.
There’s you.
So, Chay, Angel, I don’t even know if I can still call you that. But if I can, if you even decide to read this, just know that I am sorry. I am sorry and I will struggle to forgive myself everyday for hurting you.
And, for what it’s worth, and to me its worth everything, I love you.
I love you and I will keep loving you for the rest of my life.
It’s only you.
Yours,
Kim
————-
Well.
Chay rubbed the sleeves of his sweater across his face, clearing the streaming tears from his eyes, sobs wracking his body.
Oh my god.
Chay doesn’t think he’s ever heard Kim be so open before.
It had taken Chay a while, but he had slowly begun to forgive Kim after the video and everyday since.
But this. This.
To Chay, this was everything. Chay had laid awake, night after night, staring at his ceiling, playing every possible scenario of what would happen between them over and over in his head. Part of Chay didn’t want to forgive Kim. He didn’t want to be manipulated, treated like a child, only for him to forgive the one person who had crushed him. But the other part, the other part of Chay wanted nothing more than to forgive him. He’d gone over and over what happened in his head and with his brother, and he’d come to the realisation that, yes, his heart was guarded now and it would take some time to open it again, but the only way to see if Kim had really changed and did what he did because he cared, was to give him another chance.
One more chance.
Really, that’s all either of them wanted.
Chay was flooded with thoughts of Kim.
Kim.
Throwing the letter behind him on the bed, Chay ran out of his room, the door swinging behind him. He had to see Kim, now.
Chay made his way out of the compound unseen, slipping passed the guards with practised ease.
A short bus ride later, mostly spent going back and forth over the impulsive decision to run to Kim’s side, and Chay was outside of Kim’s apartment.
This was it.
A short flash of what if this is the wrong choice crossed Chay’s mind before he stamped it down. He knew this was right.
He raised his fist and knocked.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four -
And then he was there.
Kim.
“Chay? What’re you-“
Chay flung himself at Kim. The older man stumbled a second before he took ahold of the teary-eyed boy in his arms.
They spent what felt like forever wrapped in this tight embrace. Chay didn’t want to part but thought Kim was probably confused by his sudden appearance.
“I um, I read your letter.”
Kim took a deep breath, looking into Chay’s eyes.
“And?” He spoke softly, nervously.
Chay didn’t respond right away and Kim began to panic.
“Look, Chay you don’t have to say anything, we can just pretend I didn’t-“
“And I love you too.”
Oh.
“You do?”
“I have always loved you, Kim. You’re right, you did hurt me and I do deserve better.”
This was it, Kim knew it. He’d been open with Chay and now he had to let him go, to make his own decisions and be happy.
“Take the pout off your face. It’s you, dummy. You’re better. The you who wrote the letter proved to me that you, Kimhan, are better. You’ve changed. All this time I’ve wondered how I could forgive you, how I could trust you with my heart again. But you’re different. That letter was the first time I’ve heard you be honest with me. And if you continue to be like that, be that Kim, the Kim I fell in love with, then it’s you. It’s always been you and it always will be. As long as we’re honest, and we communicate, preferably to each other and not through cryptic notes or songs,”
Kim choked out a soft laugh at that.
“Then I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t want someone to give me diamond rings and a palace. I just want you.”
Chay reached out and thumbed a tear off of Kim’s cheekbone.
Softly, he spoke once more.
“Can I have you, Kim?”
“God yes.”
And with that, Kim reached forward and pulled Chay into his arms. The younger giggled when Kim squeezed him and lifted him off the ground, pulling back to plant kisses all over his face.
“Okay okay! Hah-Kim stop! People can see us out here.”
Kim grinned and grabbed both of Chay’s hands.
“Well, you better come in then, boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend?”
Kim looked at him from under his eyelashes, suddenly nervous.
“Mm I like the sound of that.”
And with that, laughter could be heard as Chay stumbled into Kim’s apartment, the two laughing and happier than ever.