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3 years.
It's been three years since my world fell apart. Three years since we were supposed to get married. For someone who is over 500 years old, those 14 months she was in my life were the best and worst of my life. One year, and she left a gash on my heart that I don’t think will ever heal over. What should have been the beginning of our love story ended up being the beginning of the end of my sanity.
It all fell apart. Everything fell apart. My court. My life. My heart. My soul.
Be happy, Feyre.
Those were the last words I said to her. I meant them, despite the way it cut my soul to say them. Two years and it feels just like yesterday we were on that battlefield. I can still hear her screams from across the battlefield, the look in her eyes with Rhysand dead in her arms. I couldn’t help it. In that moment I was happy he was dead, so she would feel the pain that I felt to lose her. Then watching her beg me to save him broke something in me I didn’t think survived her betrayal. My soul. She said the same thing I said to the bitch , to Amarantha, when she was killing Feyre Under the Mountain.
Please. I will give you anything.
That’s when I knew she would never choose me. I would never see her paint the roses from the garden, take a ride around the grounds, see her hair splayed out on the pillows in her bed. With those words, I shut down, and my soul, my heart, locked itself away so far away that I don’t think I could ever find it again if I wanted to. That was the start of the spiral. When I arrived home without Feyre, I was only greeted by the shell of my home. What once was a home full of my court, my friends and my life was now just a reminder of everything that I lost.
So I lost it.
First the beast only came out for moments at a time. Then for days. Then weeks. Finally, I gave into the monster she thought I was. Some days I even forget there is a man under the beast. I released the servants, sent them home with enough gold to last them a lifetime. I had no use for it anymore anyways. No one to buy jewelry, or dresses, or paints for. I hunted in the forest when the pains from hunger were too much to bear. In some fucked up way, it brought me closer to the Feyre I fell in love with. The starving human who never knew a moment of comfort in her life. Who let me take care of her. Who let me feel like I could be important to someone.
I was patrolling around my estate when I felt that the wards had been breached and someone had winnowed in. I ran to the front as fast as I could until I saw the flash of red hair. For a second I saw her again, until Lucien turned around.
Lucien.
My friend, or he used to be. When he left with Feyre, I thought the worst of him. I thought he abandoned me, left me for her. After the war when he found me, explained everything to me, I understood why he left. Hell, I would have left if I were in his position. It doesn’t make the hurt any easier, though. Our relationship was still tenuous. He rarely stays at the home, not like there is much comfort in staying in an abandoned estate with no food or the comforts we were used to. He only came by once a week to see me, see how I was doing, and bring me some of the only human interaction I can tolerate anymore.
As I prowled up the drive, I shifted into my Human form. My clothes were fraying at the ends, but clean enough for this meeting. 15 minutes and I will be back in the forest.
“Hello Lucien.” I stated as I pulled him in for a quick hug.
I stepped back to really look at him for a moment. He looked well enough, but when my eyes landed on his I could see it. He looked tired and stressed, like he had been dealt the short stick in life once more. For a high lord’s son, he had one of the most tragic stories I have ever seen. He lost his love, his family, his home, and yet here he is immaculate as ever.
How does he do it?
“Hey Tam. How are you?”
How was I?
“Fine.” I was not fine, but I wasn’t going to get into it with him now.
He gave me a look like he didn’t believe my bullshit for a second. Over 100 years of living with each other and he is the only person who could see right through me.
“Really Lucien. As fine as you can expect. Is there any news you care to share.” I need to hear something, anything to get my mind off of myself for a moment.
“Not too much to report. Day Court opened another library and had their unveiling the other day. Thesan has been quiet in Dawn Court, along with Winter. Autumn has been a thorn in our side, but what is new. Beron is mad he didn’t win anything in the war for Autumn, and is getting power hungry. Hopefully Eris will knock some sense in him, but it’s unlikely. We are monitoring the situation, but so far there is nothing significant to report. Summer has finally finished rebuilding Adriata after the battle. Tarquin is hosting a party to which you are invited, but not required to attend. He invited everyone .”
I knew what he was insinuating. They would be there.
Feyre.
Feyre would be there.
Feyre would be there with Rhysand .
“Thanks, Lucien. I am not in a state to go to Summer and kiss the asses of all the other high lords. Pass along my congratulations and my offer rejection. Make up whatever excuse you have to.”
“Of course,” he said with a small nod.
Feyre.
Feyre.
Feyre.
In the two years we have been doing this, I have never asked about her. Never let myself care. Left her be. But something in me was nagging. Do it. Just ask.
I took a deep breath. Then another. Finally I asked, “Lucien?”
“Yah Tam.”
“How is she? Really.”
He looked at me trepidatiously. Like one wrong move and I would descend into a fury. Little did he know I had no rage left inside me. I was just empty. Going through the motions of life. “Are you sure you want to know, Tam?”
I thought about it for a second. Did I really want to know? Did I really want to do this to myself? I took another deep breath and said, “Yes. Just tell me. Today would have been our wedding anniversary. I just want to know how she is.”
“Overall, she is doing well. She has been stepping into her role as high lady well. She teaches art classes to children in their city. Never charges them a dime. She said she just wanted to give them the space to deal with the horrors after the city was attacked during the war. She had to take some time off after everything went down last spring, but she has fully recovered. She is happy. Despite almost dying again , she is still so happy.”
The air went silent. Too silent.
Dying. She almost died?
“What do you mean, about almost dying AGAIN?” I boomed at him. Where did these emotions come from? I could have sworn something stirred in my chest, rising up to the surface after years being submerged. That asshole let her almost die again . I was going to kill him. I don’t care what anyone says. He won all those years ago, but he couldn’t keep her from almost dying not two years later?
“Tam…. You remember how she was pregnant?” He said warily. Like I was a ticking bomb about to go off. Maybe I was. I just nodded my head in confirmation, words escaping me.
“The baby has wings. They aren’t like some of the other winged beings. Women need special anatomy to bear children with Illyrian wings. Anatomy that only Illyrian women have.”
“But she isn’t Illyrian….” I said, trying to piece all the information together. What is so special about this? Fae bear children with wings all the time.
“That she isn’t. The wings get stuck, and any females who are not Illyrian and bear Illyrian children always die during birth. And they did, both she and the baby.” He was looking down as he stated this, his voice shaking. I didn’t need my Fae senses to tell me that he was trying not to cry.
The world was spiraling. She died. Giving birth to that asshole's baby.
“She died? ” I whispered. The whole world faded away. I stopped hearing anything around us. The only sound I could hear was a high pitched ringing sound.
Muffled, like he was a mile away, Lucien said, “It was only thanks to Nesta and her fucking insane powers that they survived. She made a deal with the damn cauldron itself to bring them back. She gave up her power to save them. It almost didn’t work.”
I barely registered the words he said. All I could hear was that high pitched sound. Before I could be talked down, I grabbed Lucien’s arm and I winnowed us away.
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I had seen Velaris on a map when discussing Hybern’s movements. No one had breached the city and made it out alive. A city that the Night Court protected at all costs.
Velaris.
Where Feyre was.
I just had to see her. I just had to see she was ok.
I stepped from the front drive of my estate that was shrouded in eternal spring into a snow covered alleyway.
Damn it was cold here. I forgot how cold it could be when I wasn’t covered in fur in eternal sunshine and temperate weather. I pulled up the dredges of my power enough to get my winter coat from the pocket realm. After putting it on, I realized I couldn’t just walk around her city. I was a high lord who just trespassed and entered one of the most protected places in our world. That could be grounds for war.
“Tam. What the hell!” Lucien all but yelled at me. I forgot I had brought him with me for a moment, but I needed him to get me past the wards to this place.
So I could see her.
One last time.
I had to see if she was ok.
“I have to see her. I have to see that she is fine. She won’t know it's me. Just please. Let me see her. Then I will leave.”
He looked at me like I had grown two heads. I quickly glamoured myself with the strongest glamour I could muster. My hair turned from blonde to brown, my eyes from green to blue, my face to plain.
“See. Please Lucien. Just let me see her.”
Lucien was pacing in the corner, and after what felt like an eternity he finally groaned and pulled his own coat out from his own pocket dimension. He ran his hands down his face, turned to me and said, “Fine. But you cannot talk to her. If anything happens, Rhys is going to kill you, then sick their spymaster on me and torture me for cauldron knows how long until they decide that I’ve suffered enough before they kill me. And for cauldron sake, you should mask your scent as well. She will be able to tell you don’t belong in a heartbeat.”
I nodded my head, agreeing with him. I took a big inhale, trying to pinpoint what the city smelled like so that I could blend my scent in. The smell of salt, jasmine, and baked goods bombarded my senses, so I masked my scent to the smell of jasmine and rain.
“Fine. Let's get this over with. Then you are going straight back to Spring.”
We stepped out of the alleyway, and I was bombarded by the sights and sounds of the city. It was the evening, and it seemed like some restaurants and shops were just opening up for the day. To my right, lay a large glittering river, with bridges over it connecting to a massive city. All around me, the buildings were painted different colors. Pinks, greens, orange, blue. Each building was unique, and it looked like an abstract painting. To my left above the buildings, I could see the golden top of what was surely a theater or library or some grand hall.
I have never seen a city like this. So full of life. So large. With people who look happy.
No screaming, no darkness, no havoc.
This is not what I was expecting at all.
After a few minutes of speechlessness, I finally turned to Lucien and asked, “Where are we?”
Lucien smiled contently and replied, "The Rainbow. It’s the artist’s quarter here in Velaris. It has been here for thousands of years and is a haven where artists and musicians can live and work in peace. There is a theater a few blocks away as well as a couple of parks that always have musicians performing or painters practicing their craft. Feyre’s studio is just a block away from here. Given the time of day, she should be there teaching a class, but not for long. Lets get this over with before Rhys realizes that the wards have been breached. I’ve placated him for now, but he is bound to feel something is wrong soon.”
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Despite the snow, high and lesser fae alike were shopping, sitting at café’s, and browsing the murals painted on the sides of the buildings.
I took one more look around before my eyes landed on Lucien and I stated, “Let’s go.”
He took me up one of the winding streets away from the river. We passed performers playing enchanting music, shops with everything from clothes to baubles to art galleries.
He stopped so abruptly that I ran into his back before I had a second to think. He gave me a look like he would rather be anywhere else but here and just said, “we are here. Two minutes, then we are out of here.”
I turned to see where here was, and suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Her studio was small for someone of her stature and wealth, but it was full of light and warmth. Within the studio, there was a sight I thought I would never see.
Children.
10 children- high and lesser fae alike. They were sitting in two rows, which took up the majority of the studio space. They were all staring at her like she was the moon and they were just the stars allowed to be in her presence. Finally, I dared a look at her.
And there she was.
Alive- in more than just the sense that she was breathing.
She was wearing an apron covered in layers of paint, white chunky sweater with paint splatters up the sleeves and thick leather leggings. Her hair was pulled up partly off her face but cascaded down her back, shining as brightly as the river down the hill. She was talking animatedly with her hands, both covered in black whirly tattoo’s. I knew she had the one, but at some point, she must have gotten another to match. In one hand she had a paint brush and was showing the children how to mix certain colors together to make other colors.
There was color in her cheeks, muscles through her legs. Even though she was wearing a sweater, I could see that she was no longer frail like she had been before our wedding. Cauldron, how could I not notice that she was dying well before any of this. Life with me was killing her, and now she just looked so-
I finally broke the silence. “She looks alive.”
“Really? After all the rules we broke to get here, that’s all you have to say? She is alive? I told you all of that already.”
I finally looked away from her for a moment. I hadn’t realized until then that my hands were shaking. I took a stabilizing breath, and said, “I never realized I was killing her. She looks so full of life. Like she belongs. I can’t believe I was so stupid to think she was ever mine when she so clearly never fit in with what I was offering her.”
With that declaration, I felt something lighten in my chest. Just slightly. Lucien slowly turned and looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. Like he was seeing my soul peaking its head out of the cave it’s been hibernating in.
After a few moments of staring at me he finally said, “She is happy. She has a family here; she has a mate and a child. Although she is High Lady, she still comes here most days to teach a few classes to these kids. She makes her own decisions, trains with the deadliest warriors in Prythian, and is freer here than she has ever been.”
We stood there in silence for a few more minutes. Suddenly, Feyre noticed Lucien, and the largest smile plastered onto her face. She turned to say something to a lesser fae with green skin and ink black hair, then she started walking over.
“Cauldron boil and fry me. Ok, just follow my lead. Do not talk to her.” Lucien looked calm, but his voice gave away that he was rattled and nervous.
A bell rang and suddenly she was right there. Right in front of us. I stopped breathing again. She jogged up to Lucien and wrapped her arms around his neck, enveloping him in a large hug. He returned it, going so far as to pick her up and twirl her around. It took everything in me to reel back the growl of jealousy at the carefree greeting.
He put her down and she placed one hand on his shoulder and the other on his cheek and said, “Lucien! I wasn’t expecting you until family dinner tomorrow! What a surprise! If I had known you were coming, I would have cleaned off some of this paint! Elain will be so excited you are home early! She has been talking my ear off about the date you guys went on last week and has been counting down the hours until you are back, not that she would ever outwardly admit that she missed you.”
I turned to Lucien, who was now blushing- blushing- at Feyre’s words. Last I heard Lucien’s mate wanted nothing to do with him, I wonder what changed? Lucien replied, “I wanted it to be a surprise. It's fine, honestly, I love seeing you covered in paint. You are so in your element. I had a meeting with a friend in town and decided to walk past your studio. I am glad to hear Elain is well, I was hoping to surprise her tonight, so if you could keep my arrival a secret until then I would greatly appreciate it.” Lucien then grabbed feyre’s hand that was on his cheek into his own and kissed the back of her hand, looking at her like one would look at their sister or dear friend. It was then that Feyre turned to me.
Her smile faltered for a brief moment before she stepped out of Lucien's embrace, stuck out her hand, and spoke to me. “Oh I am so sorry, how rude of me. I am Feyre. I don’t believe that we have met yet. What is your name?”
I shook her hand hesitantly, finally finding my voice and I just answered, “Ren. I am a new acquaintance of Lucien’s, and he was showing me some of his favorite areas in Velaris. He said we had to stop by to see some of your beautiful paintings. I am sorry that we interrupted your class.”
She started swaying slightly and brought her arms around herself to warm herself. “Oh it's no problem. Any friend of Lucien’s is a friend of mine. With any luck, we will have reason to celebrate soon if he and my sister ever finally accept their mating bond.” She glanced a look at Lucien and stuck her tongue out at him. I was awestruck. She was so free. So happy. She was comfortable enough around a stranger to be playful with Lucien.
Lucien groaned and joked right back, “You are not allowed to plan the mating ceremony, if your sister ever accepts. After Cassian and Nesta’s ceremony, I would just want a small and intimate celebration. With as many flowers as Elain desires. If she will have me.”
Feyre smirked and replied, “Oh she will, don’t worry. It's all-in due time. Sometimes her mental barriers drop when she is gardening and deep in thought, and she has thought about it too. I’m happy you guys are happy with each other. Whatever path you choose, know that we are right there with you. You are never alone here.”
She finally turned back to me and said, “Would you like to join us for tea? This class gets out in 5 minutes and I would love to get to know the fae that Lucien deems worthy enough to be a friend. There must be a hell of a story to go along with your friendship if he is bringing you all the way out here.”
I looked to Lucien to follow his lead, and he was giving me a look that screamed deny. We need to leave NOW.
I cleared my throat and replied, “I would love to High Lady, but we must get going. I have an appointment on the other side of the city soon that I cannot be late to.”
She tsked at me then said, “Oh please, none of this high lady nonsense. Just call me Feyre. I’m sorry you cannot stay.” A knock on the window brought our attention to the green skinned lesser fae who had a child on her hip that couldn’t be more than a year old. He had black hair, tanned skin, and those piercing blue eyes I would know anywhere. At a closer look, he had two small wings coming from his back. He was crying like he just woke up from a nap, but the moment he spotted Feyre his eyes lit up with actual starlight and started laughing and clapping. His little wings were even twitching. That’s when I realized that must be her son. I turned to Feyre, who was smiling like her entire world was just on the other side of that glass. So happy, carefree, and full of love. I thought I would feel a pang of jealousy, but surprisingly I just felt content. “Sorry. He must have woken up from his nap. I have to go back inside now, but it was lovely to meet you. Lucien, I expect to see you tomorrow night at dinner.”
Lucien stepped up to give Feyre a quick hug, and said in her neck, “It’s a date. Remember, don’t mention this to Elain. I want to take her out somewhere really nice so just make sure she doesn’t eat dinner before I get there.”
Feyre turned to go back inside. Her son was starting to bounce uncontrollably seeing her walk back towards the studio. She said over her shoulder, “Don’t worry, I won’t spoil anything. Don’t ravage my sister too hard tonight!” Both Lucien and I chuckled at that.
With that she walked back into her shop. She picked up her son, held him up in the air before hugging him tight and setting him down on her hip. With my fae hearing, I could make out that she started speaking to him. “Hi baby boy. Did you have a good nap? Are you ready to go home? Your dad will be so excited to see you. We will be out of here soon, I promise. Maybe you boys can have some bonding time while mommy takes a bath? Would you like that, little star?” Her son just laughed and stared at her like the world started and ended with her. He started babbling, making her laugh. It was the most melodic and beautiful sound I have ever heard, but it didn’t send the pain in my chest I usually associate with it. No, for the first time in years, I felt that wound close ever so slightly. Like a scab was finally taking form over the gaping hole inside me.
I finally turned to Lucien and said, “Let’s go.”
He nodded, grabbed my hand, and we were transported back to the spring court.
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I took a deep breath in and out. Home. My home.
I took off my jacket and put it back in the pocket realm, vaguely aware of Lucien doing the same thing. I took a few moments to look at the estate beside me. Although it was still empty, it did not feel so sterile anymore. It needed some work, but don’t we all.
I finally turned to Lucien and just said, “Let's get to work.”