Work Text:
I'll do my best
Dean Winchester had always known Sam would get married someday and have a bunch of little rascals. That wasn’t just the plan, it was a fact. And whenever everything had been dark, desperate, hopeless… he'd held on to that. Sam couldn't die. They couldn't lose. Because that WASN'T Sam's destiny.
And now, here they were.
"Everything is going smoothly.", Jody's voice informed him from over his shoulder.
Dean padded Sam's empty seat beside him and she sat down, a beer of her own in hand and stretching out her legs.
"We have enough food to last us another damn apocalypse."
"Good thing the bunker has enough space for all these hunters.", Dean agreed and glanced at the tables full of refugees, hunters, and family. The music was throbbing with its heavy bass, people were laughing, eating, and drinking. In one corner stood a games table, where Dean could see Jack and Alex playing something with little Gertie. And in the midst of all this chaos and noise were Sam and Eileen. They were dancing, holding each other close, and didn't seem to notice the people around them at all.
Dean caught a quick glance at Sam's happy face and… it felt like someone knocked all the air out of him.
"Excuse me!", he gasped and sprang up, leaving the decked-out barn behind and not stopping until he reached the tree line outside.
There was such a heavy weight on his chest, Dean's knees threatened to give up from under him. He tried to stabilize himself against a tree and took deep, hopefully calming breaths of the warm, late summer air.
He was happy for Sam. Happy for Eileen. That wasn’t the problem. But here he was, outside and away from the party, instead of celebrating right with them.
Damn this. Damn all of it! He was happy for them. And yet… and yet there was this little nagging voice inside his head telling him that this was never going to be him. Not ever. This was his happy ending. Sam being happy. Him? He was too damaged and broken. He knew that. But sometimes it still just… hurt.
"Are you okay?"
Dean's head shot up and he had to blink twice against the window from the barn before he could make out Cas' face.
"Dean?"
"I'm fine.", he reflexively replied.
Cas nodded in understanding and leaned onto one of the trees beside Dean. Like all the guests, he was dressed in "hunter chic" (clean jeans and shirt), and Dean couldn't get over how naked he looked.
Stop it, Dean. No thoughts of naked Cas. Not today. Not ever.
Cas nodded towards the huge window, where they could see a nervous-looking Jack dancing with Eileen and a laughing Sam leading Jodi around.
"Not that much is going to change, you know? Eileen will just officially be a Winchester."
"I know."
"Then why do you look so panicked?"
"Panicked?"
"Dean…"
"It's not about Sam and Eileen."
"Then what is it about?"
For the first time, Dean really looked at Cas' face and a crazy idea wormed his way into his head.
What if he just said it? What if he just finally FINALLY put his deepest secret into words?
No. He couldn’t. Cas… Cas didn't think about him like that. He'd lose him. He'd lose his best friend.
"Is this about Lisa?"
Dean flinched. He hadn’t thought about Lisa like that in a long, long time.
"No."
"Then…"
"It's about somebody else!"
The words were out before Dean could bite his tongue. Cas raised his brows in surprise, an odd expression on his face.
"And you don't… you don't think she feels the same?"
"It's not a she, Cas."
What the hell was he doing? This wasn’t good. This… was really, really bad.
"Oh… I didn't know, Dean."
"Yeah, well… that was the point."
There was an odd moment of silence, with the both of them just staring at each other.
"I'm no authority on the matter, but if you don't tell people who you are, how are they supposed to know what you want?"
"You!", Dean blurted out and froze in shock.
Oh no. No. No. No. No.
"What did you say?"
He needed to leave, he needed to leave right now!
Dean turned around, but Cas grabbed his arm, holding him back and staring intently into his eyes.
"Don't leave me.", Cas rasped, his voice even deeper than usual.
Oh, fuck this.
"I said: you. I want YOU. I love YOU!"
Cas' face had gone blank, no expression. Nothing.
"I shouldn't have…", Dean tried to paddle back, horrified by what he had just done.
"Dean.", Cas' managed to get through his panic, "Dean, look at me."
Carefully Cas raised his hand, touching Dean's cheek. It was like a bolt of electricity went right through him. This… this wasn’t happening. Or was it?
And as Dean was staring into Cas' big, shiny eyes, he decided to put it all out there. He leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Cas' warm lips.
It wasn’t like Dean had imagined kissing Cas would be. It was better. It was right.
Dean didn’t know how long they stood like this, but at some point Cas pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around him and Dean couldn't remember the last time he had felt so warm. So safe. So happy.
After an eternity they slowly separated, but Dean didn't drop his arms, instead pulling Cas back in and resting his forehead against Cas'.
"You… you don't think I'm crazy?"
"Crazy? I never… I didn't dare to hope you might feel the same as me. And I couldn't risk it."
"You couldn't risk losing your best friend,'' Dean agreed.
"No. Never."
"Same."
"You won't lose me, Dean. I'll never leave you. I'm not sure if I can."
"Then don't."
"I'll do my best. But, Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't send me away again, please."
Dean chuckled sadly.
"I'll do my best."
They stood there, among the trees, holding each other and not yet comprehending what had just happened between them.
"Where do we go from here?", Cas asked with a wet chuckle, tears in his voice.
"How about a dance?"