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Your Agony in Salmon

Summary:

A thoroughly pointless and horrific café AU from the outer limits of stupidity. I wish I could say I wrote this while drunk, on drugs, hungover, suffering from severe blood loss, or otherwise impaired, but no. No. …No. It is simply the dumbest thing I ever wrote, and I regret nothing. (Also, Grammarly decided to check my text prior to posting and found that it sounded "confident and formal". I'm pretty sure my standards for formal are not the same as Grammarly's XD)

o-0-o

The Hell Priest and the Order of the Gash have spent enough time on the surface planes of existence to realise that they basically only get the psychotic maladjusted looniebun weirdos. To reach a whole new audience and spread the evangels of suffering to a whole new type of worshipper-of-agony-to-be, they venture into a fresh arena of endless anguish known as Barstucks™.
In short, they’re diversifying their brand.

Work Text:

The thunder and rain forced The Main Character At Least Until The Cenobites Show Up off the street and into the café. The afternoon had suddenly turned grey and even more oppressive and the rain felt downright sticky on their sweaty skin. It was supposed to be a relief to be rained on, but somehow the relief held back like a jealous lover.

They heard the bell above the door give several peals that sounded slightly off, perhaps too loud or precise, in the subdued atmosphere of the café interior.

The Main Character At Least Until The Cenobites Show Up rubbed the rain from their eyes and looked around in the small, perfectly rectangular café space, the bar running the length of one wall of the room. Mirrors adorned the wall opposite, reflecting the staff behind the bar.

Something was off, but The Main Character At Least Until The Cenobites Show Up wasn’t sure exactly what.

All the other guests in the café sat quietly and slightly glassy-eyed at their tables, but maybe the thunder had just cut their conversations short. That was probably it, The Main Character At Least Until The Cenobites Show Up reasoned, calming their sudden bout of inexplicable nerves and going to the bar to order.

Before now, they had not looked at the staff, seeing just the familiar salmon-coloured uniforms but now that they stood there, only separated from the three unmoving staff members by the bar desk itself, the polished wooden surface seemed paltry, somehow, in a manner The Main Character At Least Until The Cenobites Show Up couldn’t quite define to themselves.

The staff were …heavily pierced. And …dressed for Halloween, something The Main Character At Least Until The Cenobites Show Up didn’t know was allowed at Barstucks. Wrinkling their brows briefly, they glanced around, wondering if they had wandered into another type of café entirely, but no.

On closer examination of the person in front of them, whose face was heavily weighed down by metal and scars, The Main Character At Least Until The Cenobites Show Up noticed a name tag, seemingly fastened to the exposed flesh where the nipple should have shown through the meticulously torn salmon-coloured uniform. It read simply ‘Hello, my name is Elliot’.

“Welcome to Barstucks. What is your darkest desire?” asked … Elliot in all his repulsive glamour, staring at The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character.

The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character surprised themself by giving a hesitant laugh with a slightly hysterical edge to it and quickly glanced around at the silent slack-jawed patrons at the tables. “Ehm, Halloween sure is approaching, huh?” they commented, trying to lighten the mood. “What are you supposed to be?”

“Demons to some, baristas to others,” came the regal answer.

“Ahahah,” said The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character weakly and noticed a strong, oppressive vanilla smell wafting from Elliot, although it failed to mask the underlying scent of …decay? Old Spice? Smells were never exactly The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character’s strong suit.

Elliot’s sonorous voice began, “We are here in the Garden of Flesh to–“

“Wait… It’s a Barstucks, right? I’m so confused.”

“To further our knowledge of flesh,” Elliot finished the sentence unimpeded, holding out a tall paper cup. “We are here to bring you the ultimate, most exquisite delight. Take this, and taste our pleasures.”

“Ehm, I… What is that?” asked The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character.

“An exploration in the further reaches of coffee,” Elliot intoned. “We have eternity to know your caffeine choices.”

“Okay. No need for that. I’ll just take a cappuccino, please.”

Elliot froze and so did his two equally halloweenified colleagues. One of them finally managed to break the spell to gently caress a blender. Finally, Elliot's scarred, ash-dusted hand closed around the paper cup, causing a thick, vanilla-scented red fluid to drip chunkily onto the counter. His black eyes held The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character’s gaze, and they shuddered involuntarily.

“Subject yourself to the will of the gourd-spiced Leviathan and the sugar which your flesh currently worships,” Elliot demanded, a note of impatience in his voice, “and your suffering will be forever.”

Nervously, The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character glanced around once more, noting the walls beyond the mirrors seemed to have changed subtly, now being drawn upon in intricate metallic-coloured designs they hadn’t noticed before. Maybe it was just the light… “I’m really just here for a coffee,” they said, voice quivering like a strummed harp string.

“What you think of as coffee is only a shadow,” came the reply. “Now, taste the sugar-rush-frappu-gourd-spiced Leviathan and your agony in salmon will be legendary!”

On either side of Elliot, his equally scarred and mutilated colleagues quivered in anticipation, one pouring a black, odorous powder into a cup with her long, dirty talons made of nailfiles savagely jabbed into her fingertips. The other suggestively drew an eldritch symbol on the counter in whipped cream.

“Ehm, I think it stopped raining!” The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character exclaimed with false exuberance, and cursing themself for being rude, turned on their heels and marched quickly towards the door.

Behind them, they heard a subdued mumble, “Well, that was a complete cockup…” in a sonorous voice, just as they reached the door. The handle was a perfect square, a fact they hadn’t noticed before. It looked like a …a puzzle box? The door wouldn’t budge, despite frantic tries. Through the window, The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character saw the sunny street, people passing the Barstucks, oblivious to the social anxiety building dangerously just on the other side of the glass.

Frantically, The Character Formerly Known As The Main Character began solving the puzzle box, hoping it would be the key to leaving the café.

“…But perhaps not a complete loss,” they heard a soft whisper behind them. “We have such lattechinos to show you.”