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"Come on Cas. Let's go home." It was Dean. He was right there. Cas almost reached out to touch Dean, pull him into a hug, ready to believe it was okay. But it wasn't. "Cas?"
"I can't Dean." Cas could see it now. He'd take a step forward to Dean, he'd relax, he'd smile. Dean would smile back. Then The Empty would come, swallow him whole, taking him away from Dean.
"What are you talking about Cas?" He couldn't do that to Dean. Not now, not ever. Cas took a step back. Dean only stepped closer.
"Dean it's not safe for me to go with you. Please just-" Cas couldn't think straight. He had lost his words. He felt chills up his spine. He could feel The Empty and its darkness. He stepped away again. And then another time. He was stumbling. Dean started to reach out.
"Cas it's okay. Just come with me and-"
"No Dean!" Cas had yelled. "It's not okay. I can't go with you. I can't, I just can't." Cas started breathing harder. He was panicking. Dean kept getting closer.
"Listen to me Cas. I was wrong, okay? I-I was angry and upset. We had lost Mom and Jack and then Rowena? It was-I couldn't take it." Dean was a foot away from Cas. "I just blamed it on you Cas. I'm sorry. We need you Cas. Hell, I need you Cas." Cas wanted it to stop. Dean couldn't say what Cas thought he would. It would make everything worse.
"Dean don't-"
"I love you Cas." It was as if a bomb exploded in Cas. Dean wasn't supposed to love Cas. Cas was a screwup. Everything he tried, failed. Cas was supposed to love Dean and then watch his feelings go unreturned. This couldn't be happening.
"Dean this isn't-You're not supposed to love me." Cas watched Dean's face twist in confusion. "You're supposed to hate me Dean. I never came back with a win, I caused so many problems, I made a stupid deal-"
"Deal? What deal Cas?" Shit. Dean wasn't supposed to know. He wasn't supposed to ever find out. Nobody was.
"Nothing. No deal."
"Cas, you shit liar. What deal?"
"There isn't a deal." Cas could see the clear disbelief in Dean's eyes. Dean grabbed one of Cas's arms.
"Tell me the truth Cas." Dean was warm to the touch. It was as if that caused everything to spill from his mouth.
"I was desperate. The Empty would've taken Jack if I didn't do something. We made a deal in exchange for Jack living. When I'm finally happy, it'll take me away Dean." Dean grabbed tighter onto Cas's arm.
"Cas you idiot!"
"I'm sorry Dean." This was it, wasn't it? Dean would let go, wouldn't look back, and drive away without Cas. This was the moment, right? Cas waited.
"Why would you do that? You stupid son of a bitch." Dean's eyes shined. Cas made sure to remember his eyes before Dean left him.
"Dean I-" Cas couldn't finish. Dean had pulled their lips together. This time, fireworks ignited around Cas. He could feel them in his heart. Dean pulled away.
"We'll figure this out Cas." Dean was still holding onto Cas. Dean wasn't leaving without Cas. "It'll be okay. You, me, Sam. We'll figure it out, alright?"
"Dean..."
"I'm not gonna lose you again Cas. Not anymore. You're not making me go through that." Dean's eyes were heavy. Cas wouldn't do that to Dean again.
"I love you Dean." Dean smiled. Cas could see the crinkles around his eyes, those beautiful green eyes. Dean pulled Cas in for a hug.
"Let's go home Cas."