Work Text:
the third of august had been the best day of your life, six years ago when sakusa kiyoomi asked you to be with him. the earlier days had been filled with a whirlwind of romance, he was protective yet gentle with you. he took you to his secret spot where you both would gaze at the stars, holding hands and talking about your dreams for the future, how he wanted to beat ushiwaka, how you believed in him and his goals. you would tell him you supported his dream despite all the walls he may face, you’d share gentle kisses and cuddles while binging horror movies you both loved. he was quiet and closed off, sure, but you thought you could see past his facades to who he truly was. and he was yours, at least during your honeymoon phase. once volleyball started for him, he began ignoring your calls, leaving you without word for days on end, rushing past you in the school hallways without even so much as a nod of acknowledgement. the days you would get with him, he would be standoffish and repeat “huh” or “what” to everything you said. he obviously wasn’t paying attention to anything you were saying, but you held on. you loved this man and you would until the end of time. to you, this was it, he was your first and last love. you didn’t want to start over again with anyone.
it got worse once he went pro. though he had proposed to you on your four year anniversary, he hadn’t made any other romantic advances. he spent day after day practicing, playing, or traveling to play volleyball. you were happy for him, you really were; he was finally achieving all the things he dreamed of, but would it be wrong to say it hurt? it hurt to be put on the back burner by your own fiance, it hurt to be left crying to yourself after getting death threats from your fiance’s adoring fans, it hurt to come home from work to a silent apartment that smelt like you and only like you. when he came to the apartment he had leased together with you, he was a visitor.
it was his apartment, but it wasn’t home. because at the end of the day, his home was the court. and nothing would change that. not money, not fame, not success, and certainly not you. you couldn’t do anything to make him want you more, to want to be with you more. you were but a side piece to him, his main focus, all his thoughts directed only towards the games he played. one specific day was just the pièce de résistance, you were used to the questions about sakusa at work but usually shrugged it off with “he’s well” “well i haven’t seen him for a few days because of his game in rio”. they’d all understand and eventually leave you to do your work but recently the rumors had become heinous.
“she never sees him.”
“are they even really together?”
you couldn’t take it anymore, the whispering, the side glances, the snickers. anxiety bubbled in your stomach and eventually you were hunched over the toilet, hurling the singular piece of toast you had for breakfast, tears flowing down your face messily. you’d had enough. you marched up to your boss’s office and uttered 2 words that would change everything for you. “i quit.” that was it. no two weeks, no nothing. you couldn’t care less if your last paycheck got held you just packed up your things and rushed to your car, sobbing and yelling only to collapse once inside the apartment, the loneliness and self loathing finally consuming you.
why couldn’t you make him more interested in you. what was wrong with you? were you truly that undesirable? you waited another month before telling sakusa you quit your job. he simply responded with a grunt and hung up, saying he had practice.
then the questions from your own fiancé came. at first, it was great. the silence was finally broken. finally he’d talk to you. but he noticed things and, much in sakusa fashion, started asking about it. the mess of depression dishes stacked in the sink that you never managed to get to. the cluster of laundry sitting in the corner of your room that hasn’t been done in who knows how long.
“why is the apartment messy?”
“you look tired, when was the last time you slept?”
“are you depressed?”
“are you happy?”
how is one supposed to tell someone they love that they can’t handle the distance anymore? the radio silence for days at a time? the coldness and detachment? the loss of passion?
well, loss of passion isn’t the best way to describe it. because he still remained passionate about his career. volleyball is what woke him up in the morning, what kept him going. and that’s something you couldn’t ever compete with.
the simple rules of communication wouldn’t apply in this scenario.
if you were to communicate and say he does agree to take more time for you. to take sakusa from the court is to cage a bird. he’d be with you, but he would slowly die day by day as he’s deprived from the only place that he is truly free at. he’d have all the vitals of a human, still able to breathe, blink, and speak, but the soul would leave. sakusa isn’t sakusa without the court.
on the other hand, if you were to communicate and disagree, then you’d have to leave. he’d encourage you to find someone else, to keep you happy. then you’d have to leave him forever.
it’s a lose-lose in either scenario, and you weren’t looking for the loss of him. so for now, sitting complacently with silence is the best way you can support him. the best way to stay in his life. you could never be in love like the movies.