Archive of Our Own

She knows how much Lena’s heart has always ached at thoughts of her birth mother. At the not knowing of it all. Lena was so young when she drowned. 

She thinks back to her own parents and losing them at thirteen. Over the years she’s struggled with her brain forgetting the little things. At least she had the option to journal or draw to retain what morsels she could remember of them - of an entire civilization, really. But Lena, Kara thinks, Lena didn’t have that. So of course, she needs to be happy for Lena. At this new opportunity for her to seize some of the family history, of small parts of her own story that she was robbed of.

Kara is trying to be happy for her. Kara is trying. 

After the Phantom Zone, being happy has taken a lot more effort than before. It’s only been a week since she’s returned and already Lena is leaving. 

Lena is leaving me. 

Kara stares at the steaming mug of tea on her coffee table and frowns. She knows it’s not rational. She has a wide support network of friends and family in National City who are almost annoying in how much they care about her. Alex calls her at least twice a day and brings her food every morning. Nia sends her status reports of what’s happening at CatCo including funny Snapchats. Thankfully she’s convinced Andrea that Kara is still investigating a story out of town. J’onn has offered her tower visitation rights at any hour and Kelly handed her a list of personally approved therapists and and and AND. 

Kara stares out the window and feels like she can’t breathe. She brings her legs up closer to her chest. Impossibly closer. She tries to make herself small and shrink the feelings away. 

She has no right to ask Lena to stay but she knows she wants to. 

—

It’s late at night and she’s been pacing up and down the boardwalk for the last hour, surely. The wind whips the bits of Kara’s hair sticking out from her hood across her face. She doesn’t care. She wishes she could feel the strands as more than just a featherlight tickle. All she’s been able to feel recently is scared. The same kind of scared that she experienced when she first came to earth. 

Kara wears her old noise cancelling headphones and thick sweaters because she is cold. Like the ice from that place used her bones as a vessel to infect this planet, too.

She avoids going outside during the day and strolls around all night. She’s confident she’s convinced everyone she’s just tired and needs to rest. Which is not untrue. It’s not wholly true either. She is confident in this because Lena has decided to leave. A part of her knows Lena wouldn’t leave if she knew Kara needed her. 

Letting Lena know would be selfish. 

Kara grips the metal rail separating land from sea and stares out into the distance. Lena is leaving me in two days. 

Kara doesn’t use her powers. For the first time in years, they don’t bring freedom, they just bring apprehension. If Lena noticed the other night she didn’t say anything as the glass pyrex hit the floor right in front of Kara’s feet and shattered into thousands of shards. She didn’t say anything as she quietly led Kara to the ottoman in the living room and said it’s okay, I’ll clean it.  She doesn’t want anyone’s help to clean up her mess, especially not now. Not Lena. Or at least, that’s what she’s convinced herself. 

A tear makes its way down her face and meets its siblings in the dark waters below. 

A salty reunion. 

Kara cries at the thought. 

She wants to feel at home again and she isn’t sure she can do that with Lena gone.

—

She’s blasting Hozier in vain. 

The beat echos loudly in her apartment and Kara’s glad she knows the neighbours on her floor and the floor below are typically out working in the afternoons. 

She wishes the music would swallow her whole. 

Kara stares down at her notebook and realizes she’s broken yet another pencil. She’s prepared for this, the breaking. It’s why she has dozens of pre-sharpened ones ready to go. 

There’s something soothing about the lead, how it dampens the strength that has cursed her on this planet. Only marginally. Not enough - never enough. But these days, she thinks, even marginally will do. 

The mountainous peaks and harsh landscape of her worst nightmare form before her eyes on the paper and she thinks back. She sinks back into visions of the unabating darkness there, to the hopelessness. 

And then, Kara remembers, thinking about Lena. 

Lena. Lena. Lena. All the things she would say to Lena if she had the chance again. All the gratefulness she could never find the words to express to Lena. 

The music makes the hairs on Kara’s arms stand up and her eyes go glossy and she thinks about how communicating anything these days has become a seemingly impossible task.

Lena is leaving tomorrow and there are so many things I need to say. 

—

Lena calls her after Kara bails on their lunch date. She couldn’t bring herself to venture that far even though it is pouring out which provides some protection from crowds. That, and it would be easier to not have to see Lena before she flies abroad. 

Kara: hey! i’m so sorry but i don’t really feel up for lunch today - rain check?

Kara: (pun intended)

She halfheartedly hopes the addition will lighten the mood. 

Lena: Since when do you miss an opportunity for all you can eat sushi? My treat <3 

When Kara doesn’t respond after a few minutes, Lena calls her. Once, twice, three times she lets it go to voicemail. 

Lena: I’m not mad about lunch, I promise. I just want to make sure you’re okay.

Kara knows she won’t be able to formulate all of the things she promised herself she would say if she ever made it out of there. She knows the crushing weight of the disappointment that will follow her inability to find her words. 

Kara knows she won’t be okay with Lena thousands of kilometres away. 

Her phone buzzes again.

Lena: Pick up please? 

So she does on the fourth time. 

“Hi darling,” Lena says affectionately in to the line. Kara can hear her footsteps make their way over to the office chair before Lena takes a seat. 

Kara swallows as she makes her way to her bedroom, “Hi.” 

She doesn’t know what to say. She keeps thinking about Lena leaving tomorrow and a heavy sadness makes its way into her throat. Kara doesn’t want Lena to worry but she doesn’t know what to say. Her hands get clammy so she puts her phone down on speaker and wipes her palms on her grey joggers. 

“Tell me,” Lena murmurs. Kara knows she’s handling her with the utmost care and the thought is too much. She presses her arm over her eyes and hopes the pressure keeps her tears at bay.

Seconds pass in silence before Lena speaks again, “Take your time. I’m right here Kara, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I-” Kara chokes, “I-I don’t,” she whispers hoarsely, removing her arm and concentrating hard on a scratch in the wall as she sniffs. It’s like Lena is practically already gone and the pain of that realization pushes on Kara until she’s sitting on the floor, back against her bed.

“You’re doing great,” Lena encourages. She waits before tenderly repeating, “I’m right here Kara, I’m not going anywhere.”

Kara takes a deep breath.

“Not for long,” she blubbers bitterly. Selfish.  

“I didn’t quite catch that,” Lena admits, soft.

“We’re here together on the phone now, but not for long,” Kara trails off in a quiet sob.

“Oh, darling,” Lena tsks and Kara can hear the frown in her voice. 

“I’m sorry,” is all Kara can bring herself to mutter through the heaviness of her tongue. 

“No! No. You have nothing to be sorry about,” Lena huffs lovingly and a fresh wave of tears leave Kara’s eyes. 

“I want you to go,” she grits, “I’m happy for you.” 

“Kara stop,” Lena interjects, tone serious. 

“I am, it’s true. You need to go.” 

“Kara. Just stop, none of that okay? I’m going to go but it doesn’t have to be tomorrow.”

“But you-you are ready. It’s what you want,” Kara argues feebly through a hiccup. “You deserve answers, Lena. An-d, and now, you finally have a means to get them.”

“Seems like you have it all figured out for me, huh smarty pants?”

Kara lips lift into the faintest smile at that. “Yeah,” she croaks, “Yeah I do.” 

“While I am ready to go looking, there are some things Kara, that are more important to me,” Lena promises carefully. 

Kara doesn’t know why she’s still crying. She hears Lena’s racing heartbeat on the other end and desperately wishes she could see her face. She realises then she’s consciously using her powers but rather than anxiety, it brings her comfort.

“You are so important to me, Kara. Probably the most important,” Lena admits with a slight shake in her voice. “All I want is to give you what you need and I was foolish, so naive and foolish not to see that included me staying earlier. Forgive me?” she begs a whisper. 

Kara can’t bring herself to reply as she sobs.

Lena utters reassurances into the phone as she lets it all out. She wipes her face with the sleeve of her sweater and is sure she looks a mess.

“Of course I do, of course I forgive you - always” Kara replies thickly in relief of Lena knowing her so well. 

“Would it be alright if I came over to see you right now?” Lena asks. 

“Are you sure?” 

Kara knows Lena has a lot to wrap up in her office before going to Ireland and that she’s been in back-to-back meetings prepping Sam to take over her position all week. Something about Lena being so willing to drop everything for Kara makes her heart warm with affection. 

“Only if you are, darling."

“I think I would like that,” Kara replies shyly, clearing her throat. 

“Okay, I’m on my way. What do you want for lunch?” Lena offers.

“Surprise me?” Kara says, tiredly getting up from the floor to lie on her bed.

“So let me see, a green smoothie with a roasted veggie and hummus wrap from your favourite place down the street,” Lena teases, clearly having placed Kara on speaker phone. 

“Yeah, for you!” Kara smirks. 

“You’re the one who said to surprise you and there’s no take backs now,” Lena laughs. 

Kara loves that sound. She thinks it might be one of her favourite sounds in the entire universe. 

“Can you…just…stay on the phone with me, please?"

“I’ll be right here."

And Kara knows she doesn’t just mean on the phone.