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I would never love you
Five words. Those five words replayed in Remus' head over and over and over and--
It was a constant loop of heartbreak. His mind had always been rather cruel to him.
Remus laid on the wooden bed, stalling on making his way down to the great hall. The curtains drawn tightly shut, a stick charm casted to ensure they'd never open.
Remus Lupin was in misery.
He finally felt as if he was getting somewhere with Sirius. After their many "meaningless" hookups.
No strings attached is what they'd both agreed on that. Like many things when it came to Sirius, Remus caved. He was completely and utterly in love with Sirius Black.
But of course, his feelings were not reciprocated.
And to make matters worse, Sirius had told everyone.
As Remus walked through the Great hall, he felt eyes drilled into his back. Even some teachers shared a sorrowful glance.
He couldn't bear it.
Sirius was his world, and like many things Remus touches it crumbled. It fell to dust right in front of his eyes, slipping so quickly through his hands.
Remus sat at the end of the table. He got some glares form the Slytherins, looks of pity from the Hufflepuffs and un unreadable expression from the Ravenclaws.
The worst looks came from the Gryffindors more specifically his friends, or what used to be his friends. They seemed to think Remus was invisible from time to time unless they really wanted him for something.
Mary, Lily, and Marlene all shared that same sorry look. Almost like they wanted to say something but they couldn't, they wouldn't.
Peter, James, and Sirius sat as if nothing was wrong. They continued to laugh at the dumb jokes one another shared.
Occasionally Peter would look his way but he'd quickly look the other way as soon as he was caught. The boy was not very sly in Remus' opinion.
Remus looked down at his plate of food. Chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans. Many other plates food surrounded his dish but the more he looked at it the more his appetite washed away. His stomach churned at the thought of consuming any type of food. Remus pushed the plate away, quickly exiting the Great hall.
All eyes casted upwards looking at the running boy clutching his stomach. None bothered to follow, they just let him go.
Remus found himself back in his dorm, he fell face first onto the crimson colored couch.
Everyone seemed fine with out Remus' presence. They continued on as if their friend wasn't hurting deeply on the inside.
Remus meant nothing to his friends.
His thoughts were interrupted by the clear of a throat. Remus peaked his head up seeing Professor McGonagall standing there.
"Mr Lupin, please join me in my office," the professor said. He hair was in the usual slick back bun but her normally stern look was replaced with a concerned one.
So Remus followed, he had nothing else to do.
They made their way to her classroom. Remus sat across from the teacher as she swiftly made her way to the other side of the desk.
"Biscuit?" She offered.
"No thanks," he mumbled.
"So Mr. Lupin I've noticed in the past few days that your grades have been slipping. What is that about?"
"Sorry Professor, I won't let it happen again."
"I have no doubt in my mind that you'll bring your grades up, but that wasn't my question."
"Sorry Professor, I've just been a little more tired."
"Would that have anything to do with you not speaking your friends?"
"They're not my friends."
"Now Mr. Lupin--"
"Just call me Remus... please?"
"My apologies Remus. But those boys have been your friends ever since you stepped foot onto that train. There's surely more to it than that."
"Well... can you keep a secret."
"Of course Remus, anything you say in this room will not leave this room."
"They've all been ignoring me lately, and I know why. The whole school knows why but it's not true professor, I swear. I-I," Remus started to panic. "I would never do such a thing."
"Do what Remus, I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."
"You- Sirius and me we were hooking up," he mumbled.
"And? What is the problem with that? As long as you were being safe I don't have any problem with that," she smiled.
"No yeah we were. That's not- thats no the problem.'
"Help me understand dear. I'm worried for you."
Remus was taken aback by the affection in her voice. No one had been this kind to him in a long while.
It warmed his heart that someone truly cared for his well being.
"I thought we had gotten somewhere, feelings wise that is. I thought maybe he could like me back," Remus looked down while thinking of that memory.
"Remus dear, please get to the point."
He let a tear fall, "he- he told me he could never love me, not someone like me. And now the whole school thinks I'm some type of freak!" He truly hadn't meant to yell.
Remus let the tears fall. McGonagall sat in the chair next to him providing some comfort.
"Remus, you are not a freak dear. You are loved by so many. Don't Mr. Black and his foolish friends get in your head."
Remus groaned, "how could anyone love me? I'm a werewolf, I'm a monster and a freak. I am a nobody, professor. There's not much to love."
Remus slumped in his chair, hands moving to wipe the free falling tears on his face.
He felt so overwhelmed. He never thought he'd ever be openly talking about his feelings but McGonagall always seemed to be in his corner no mater what. She was truly the best head out of all the houses.
"Mr Lupin! You are not a freak or nobody. You are Remus Lupin, and extraordinary wizard. You are the top in all your classes and you are a role model to many including myself," she now ran a a comforting hand down his back.
"I'm just so tired," he let out in defeat. Tears now free falling clouding his eyes again.
Remus didn't bother to wipe the tears. They fell into his hands down to his lap leaving tear stains on his trousers.
"Oh Remus," the Professor comforted.
There was nothing to be said, neither really know what to say. McGonagall sat there with him until his crying came to a stop.
"Remus," she tried cautiously. "Goodnight dear."
Exhaustion took over, the darkness ever so welcoming.
—————
Remus stood off to the side, almost under the stands. He was going to do it, he’s going to tell Sirius how he feels.
Sirius came down his broom, greeting Remus with a smile.
“Hi Moony! What’s with the face? Is my hair okay? Are you okay?”
His heart warmed at the sincerity, “can I talk to you? Alone?”
”Sure let me get changed first then we can talk.”
So Remus waited standing in the same spot afraid to move.
He could hear his heart beating impossibly loud, he wondered if others could hear it as well.
Sirius came out from around the corner moving to Remus’ side.
”So Moony, what would you like to talk about?”
Remus took a deep breath, here he goes.
”I like you,” he blurted.
Sirius smiled, “ah Moony, I always knew we were the best of mates. My favorite friend.”
”No Padfoot, I love you, as in I fancy you.”
”Oh Moony—“ Sirius had froze.
”Sirius?”
”Remus,” he paused. “We agreed no feelings, remember?”
”Of course I do! But I felt that maybe we could be more,” he shrugged feeling rather insecure now.
“Moony— I don’t know what to say.”
Panic flashed across his face.The way Sirius looked at him, the way there was hidden disgust behind those piercing blue eyes. It was obvious the boy had not felt the same.
”I don’t think I could— I would never love you,” Sirius made a move to turn but Remus had grabbed his wrist.
”Why? Please tell me?”
”Sirius,” he pleaded.
”I would never love someone like you.”
Seven simple words each so very painful. Remus was fine with being rejected, that was fine, but being told Sirius would never love some like him. It had hurt a lot more, because did Sirius ever like him even as a friend? Or was he still just a werewolf who was destined to be a monster?
”Sirius, I have given you everything you wanted. You’ve seen me inside and out, am I really that impossible to love?”
”You’re my friend Remus, I don’t and would never love you like that—”
”Yes Sirius you told me about four times, I’m asking why?”
”I just couldn’t.”
Remus dropped the boys wrist letting him walk away. As if the world was listening it started pouring.
Rain drenched him as he stood there, unable to move. Much like he was stuck in time.
Remus crumbled to the ground, mud covering him all over.
—————
Remus awoke with a startle, the dream replaying in his mind once again.
So many countless nights of sleep, any and all sense of comfort Remus once knew, was gone.
Remus felt like a hand grenade, except the pin had already been pulled. It was just waiting for the right moment to explode.
He sat up in the chair, the candle on the desk looming over him.
Remus sighed getting up from where’s he’s been sleeping, starting to make his way to the dormitory.
Remus’ footsteps echoed in the empty halls, all paintings asleep. Ghost that’s roam the halls of Hogwarts, are off on their own.
This just further amplified his feeling of loneliness.
To busy in his head, Remus hasn’t noticed the second pair of footsteps coming his way.
“Remus?”
Remus’ head shot up. Eyes looking down at the figure in front of him. He squinted trying to get a better look.
”Oh its you.”
”Moony—”
”Sirius stop, we can continue on like this interaction never happened. Goodnight, Sirius.”
”Remus please, can we talk?”
There was a desperation in the boys voice he’s never heard before, curious Remus turned back around.
”About what Sirius? What’s there to talk about?”
”You, us? Please M-Remus,” he pleaded.
”Fine walk with me, we have until we get back to the dorms.”
Remus knew he was being rather unfair, he’s the one who and messed it all up. But Sirius had ruined him, his reputation, his heart…
”Remus, what happened wasn’t my fault, You’re the one who went and caught feelings, not me.”
He sighed, “wow Sirius, way to point out the obvious. You know, you didn’t have to tell anyone. I was perfectly fine being rejected,” Remus stopped to take a breath. “I was fine, I am fine with that. But did you really have to go and tell the whole school that I was gay and—”
”You don’t seem fine, you’re all rambly and shit. I know you’re not fine.”
Remus laughed, no humor behind it, “you’re really on a roll tonight, Sirius. Any other things you’d like to point out while you’re at it?”
”You’re being unfair Remus, just think for a second. You are the one to blame here.”
Remus’ head fell back, “Merlin Sirius! I am well fucking aware how this is my fault, that I am a freak a nobody. Would you like me to continue?”
Sirius’ eyes widened, “I never said any of that…”
”No, but the whole school seems to think that. Hell even I think that! After you said, and I quote, ‘he tried to come onto me.’ Sirius who fucking says that? Huh? You break my heart saying you could never love me, not someone like me and to make the matter worse, I’m the villain.”
”Moony…”
”Remus at it again, screwing things up again because he’s a freak, isn’t that right?” Remus said with a frown.
”You’re not a freak Remus.”
Remus groaned, “no? I’m not? You don’t get it do you Sirius, do you?” Remus looked at the boys face, “of course not. You made me out to be some horrible person. You’ve said so much shit I can’t even keep track of because you don’t want to admit in to engaging in sex with a man.”
”Remus please—“
”And I quote you again, ‘I wouldn’t want to think about being queer, not with him at least,’” Remus voice was filled with malice. He was on a roll and there was no stopping him. “Is that true Sirius? You wouldn’t want to be with me even if you were queer?”
”I was drunk Remus! And yes maybe I did say that but Remus you are amazing, you’re kind, talented and so god damm smart and witty. That doesn’t make you nothing, because you are something. You make the best out of the worst situations. Just because I don’t love you they way you want me to, doesn’t mean there aren’t others who think you’re spectacular.”
“But I want you,” something inside Remus had broken. He found himself crumbling into the boys arms.
Sirius threaded fingers through his hair, “I know Remus. It will be okay. You don’t actually want me like that I’m completely messed up. We’ll be okay Remus, I promise.”
All Remus could do was cry. He was so angry yet so happy. The comfort and reassurance in Sirius’ voice made him feel whole.
Like and hourglass being flipped. He slowly continues until there is nothing left of him, but Remus knows he can always count on Sirius to flip the timer again.
Remus knows it will be a while before he can forgive Sirius again, because after all the man did shatter his heart. This was just first step on the many to come.