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Think of a world without suffering. Without the pain and sorrow of unfamiliar voices. Imagine something that has died but sprouted into something beautiful. Much brightness, more than any love and likes on this planet. Maybe a rose that withered away its thorns, only left with the beautiful mystery that no man could understand. Not even the guilt of an ungrateful child, for he may be filled with beauty at his end of time. And shall it be this way for every person who comes to the end of their road. For when they finally close their eyes, it's peace. It’s the rose with no thorns. Only the beauty that has been left behind. But the thorns are still there. As every thorn is the sharp stab of hurt that rots over time. And maybe that thorn will be lodged in a person for eternity. Knowing they can’t paste the thorn back onto its stem. What beauty with such a miserable outcome.
And tis it be. For Jisung who couldn’t quite grasp it. There was so much anger more than sad. He’s looked over every surface in ‘his’ room. Wiped his hand on every picture frames he had placed. It still haunts him like an old spirit. He could describe it as unreal, because he thought this was all a hokus. Some sick joke ‘he’ was playing on him. But it wasn’t. This was all reality he was facing and as much as he wished it was a joke. He knew that something died and it wasn’t him. He has the thorn and hasn’t managed to pull it out of his feeble body. The bed still sits unmade. So he fixes it for ‘him’. Taking the sheets that smell nothing but of ‘him’. Pulling them all the way and tucking them under the mattress. It was as if ‘he’ left this morning, coming back home to ‘his’ beautifully made bed. But he wasn’t coming. Ever. Jisung let a huff of realization flow out as he lay down on the bed.
“Oh my god!! Stop that tickles,” the boy in distress says. Jisung finally catches his breath. He finds himself laughing as his chest slowly heaves up and down. “That’s what you get for messing up in the dance routine, and this for not giving me a kiss.” The boy with dark blue hair goes back to Jisung. Pushes all of the spots that made him squirm. Jisung yelped out loud, trying to get him to stop. “OK ok OK,” he stops. Jisung takes a breath before going in to kiss the boy. They share the loving air. Trying to pull each other impossibly closer on the ruffled bed. Jisung’s heart was staggering as he felt his hand rub his hip. It made his whole body jump in flames. As Jisung pulls back he notices the boy’s eyes with such lust. It makes him duck his head into the sheets of the comforting bed. “I love youuuu Jisung, a lot.”
“Fuck..” Jisung sobs out. He doesn’t want it to be like this. He wants more memories. More to pile in his head. So maybe one day he could tell some old friends exactly how much he was in love with ‘him’. Or how much they were in love. And he was so scared that all these thoughts would become a distant memory. All the love he was given. All the love that he had given. But what’s the point of remembering? At this point all the memories were just a haunting reminder. Every sweet dream that he’s had, has now turned into a living nightmare. With no possible way of escaping. Tears started overflowing. He tried so hard to hold back all of his sadness. Tried to replenish it with rage and anger. Tried hurting others so himself wouldn’t be hurting alone. But he knew there was also no point in doing that. So instead he lets it all go. Every tear he’s held up until this moment. He let every single grief slide out in an ugly cry for help. For comfort. “Han?...” a small voice sounded from the crack of the door. Jisung attempted to wipe away any saltiness, but it stained his eyes. His face. His hand. Even the pillow he let his head rest upon. A small black haired boy appeared from around the door.
He looked at Jisung for a good minute before the stare became too much and ended up making him cry again. The boy rushed over to him holding his arms out. Comfort isn’t what he wanted. “I know, we’re all hurting, and right now all we need is closure for what happened.” The boy known as Felix delicately wrapped his arms around Jisung. He did it with such care, afraid maybe he’ll shatter him. As if he wasn’t already shattered enough. But the comfort alone made him realize this was what he was holding back. He knew now that he was safe in Felix’s arms. Crying out brutal sobs. Sobs that were so broken and desperately needed a fix. Jisung’s breathing also became scattered at how much he was crying. Felix only shhed him and combed through his hair with his fingers. Trying to calm him down as much as possible. To Jisung though, this was no use.
“W-why didn’t he tell me,” he sobs out brokenly. “What do you mean love,” Felix questions. Jisung breaks the hug with Felix to look at him. When he does he notices some tears have stained his face too. He also notices on Felix’s shirt, the damp puddle of his tears he's left behind. “How much pain he was in, he w-would’ve told me right, right, right Felix. He would’ve told me. I gave him my trust, I let him into my heart, I let him love me. So he would’ve told me. B-but-” Felix pulls him into another weeping hug. Holding his head into his shoulder as he sob loudly. “He sh-should’ve told me,” he says, all muffled from his face smothered in Felix’s shirt.
“Oh Han, he didn’t want to trouble you. It’s not that he didn’t trust you, it's just that he loved you a lot, and wanted the best for you. He thought his problems would hurt you like it hurt him,” Felix tells him. Jisung doesn’t believe it though. Because why. Why didn’t he tell him? And instead of not telling him, what he did hurt him more. He wants to go back. Go back with the knowledge of what may happen and try to stop it. Before it’s too late. Before he’s sobbing into Felix’s chest. “I don’t want you in here alone, so how about we go clean you up and you can come sleep in my room tonight.” Jisung nods slowly and lets Felix take him out of ‘his room’. He let Felix help him into the bed after he bathed. All he wanted was the soft feel of the bed. So his weary head could be put to rest, but..instead of a peaceful sleep. His brain decided to trip him. Trip him so that he was falling into the pool of abyss.
The boy with dark blue hair is back. He’s smiling but his smile. It’s so wrong in so many ways. It’s for some reason too sinister. The look practically shakes him to his core. All his muscles stiffen up as he realizes they're on a cliff. He sees ‘him’ slowly step closer, but Jisung can’t walk. Nor can he run. He’s glued watching his lover slowly start stepping to the edge. He tries to scream out. Nothing. He can’t carry his voice to stop ‘him’. So he watches. Watch as terror shifts uncomfortably. And with one step more he’s at the edge as rock glides off the cliff. He turns to look at Jisung. The smile has turned all watery. He watches tears slip from his face. And it pains him. “I lo-” The rock break. Crumbles. Shatter. Fall to pieces. The boy falls. But the thing about it, he tries to stop his fall. Arms trying to grasp the edge that still hangs on. Jisung finally screams though and his feet take him to the edge where his lover fell. He tries to look for him at the bottom but he isn’t there. Just the darkness that has now consumed the dead boy’s body. Jisung with nothing left jumps after him.
With a quick jolt, he’s sprung awake. His breathing is quickening by the second and then he’s screaming into darkness. “Han?!” A voice from the side of him appears. It’s Felix. “Ooh Felix…he h-he.’” Felix grabs Jisung and pulls him into a hug. Once again. “Ssh, it was just a bad dream. I’m here ssh” Felix said as he patted the back of his head. Jisung knew it was a bad dream, but why did it feel so real? So gut punching. And everything he saw, felt like a symbol to him. “F-felix, he regretted. He didn’t want to,” the words that fell into the atmosphere broke Felix. All though he didn't cry. It stabbed him like a thorn. He knew how much Jisung was hurting, but to hear those words. Maybe ‘he’ didn’t want to at the last second. So ‘he’ probably struggled. Tried to claw ‘his’ way out of this now inevitable death. It breaks him even more. Now he’s sobbing with Jisung. Just remembering all the things ‘he’ also had done for Felix. ‘He’ had been such a big part but had been a bigger part of Jisung. ‘He’ had been a patel that has fallen out of reach.
A couple months have passed. Jisung has been healing. Slowly but surely. It sure helped to have all of his friends by his side. They have been distracting him from all the haunting thoughts. All his thanks really go to them. Having to put up with terrible night terrors and crippling depression. Not to mention his anger.
“Fuck you! You did nothing to help me. All you said was ‘I'm sad too’ ‘I miss him too,’” he mocks. Felix had been the wrath of his outburst. It hurt him like hell too. His sensitive mind couldn’t handle such a thing like Jisung. “You didn’t care for me, you just acted like you did, because you are the oh so great Lee Yongbok, Lee Felix. But guess what, you aren’t all that Felix. Your a terrible fucking person, and I hope that sticks with you forever.” Felix is letting him. It’s not that he doesn’t understand what’s going on. But the words still hit like a bullet from a gun. “You don’t mean that.” Felix whispers. Jisung snarls at him. He walks over to him so he’s in Felix’s face. “I mean every fucking word.”
“Get off his back.” Jisung feels a shove that sends him backwards. He looks up to who it is. Chan. He gives Chan a biting look before pushing past them and walking to ‘his room’.
He said a million sorries. He even baked him brownies. They weren’t the best but Felix accepted them, because he knew how bad he felt about snapping. He understood every bit. Which made him still continue to comfort Jisung. Even offering his bed as a place for him to sleep when he felt Jisung shouldn’t be alone. So it kept them close as ever. “Hey, Lix, do you mind driving me to uh, the cemetery. I wanna give him this.” Jisung holds up a small necklace. On the necklace is a cat charm. ‘He’ had loved cats so much and Jisung received it as a way to remember him wherever he goes. But that was one of the many things he’s been given from ‘him’. And he still wears the promise ring ‘he’ faked proposed to him with. Felix looks up from his phone. Slowly his lips tug upwards. “Sure,” he smiles. And both of them are off into the car driving the hour trip to ‘him’. As trees turn into nothingness, Jisung notices the road their driving down.
‘He’ couldn’t possibly pull his eyes off him. His skin was glowing under the flamboyant sun as his head hung outside the window. Screaming until his lungs became tired. He brought his head back in laughing at himself. It made ‘him’’ smile and Jisung smiled right back at 'him'. They let the soft bubble of emotions bubble up between them. As trees and small houses passed they fell more in love. Anyone could look into the car and say ‘maybe they’re friends’. Maybe they were but actually. They were deeply in love and ‘he’ could prove it. ‘He’ would do it over, and over again. Because ‘he’d’ kill for Jisung. ‘He’d’ captured a bunch of stars and put it in a jar calling it a night light. Something there to light up the darkness when nothing else would. That’s how ‘he’ would describe this. This love that’s worth more than the oxygen they breathe. And maybe a little more than life because if ‘he’ lost him. ‘He’d’ lose his oxygen. ‘His’ reason to finally inhale a fresh breath of air. “You’re staring again” Jisung points out as he kisses ‘him’ on the cheek. A blush creeps onto ‘his’ face.
“Focus on the road..not me,” Jisungs says, sticking his head back out the window. And he’s hooping and hollering at the nothingness. Just dusty roads that eventually lead them somewhere. But neither of them knew that somewhere. They just let scenery pass. Let green trees turn into skeletons. Let beauty slip in between their fingers. And finally when the sunsets. They’re both on top of the car, watching the sun slowly disappear behind mountains. The soft glow of yellow is all that remains. With pink clouds that drift past as the wind picks up. “It’s pretty isn't it?” Jisung lets his attention come to ‘him’. The alluring light comes easily to Jisung’s eyes. He thanks the hue for bringing out ‘his’ most prominent features. And all he can do is nod his head. Too engrossed by the beauty in front of him.
“You’re staring now,” ‘he’ whispers lightly. “How could i not, you have a nice face. Handsome if I do say so myself,” Jisung smiles at him. ‘He’ only laughs trying to divert his face of embarrassment. But ‘he’ looks back at him. Attempting to soak every part of him up. ‘He’ ends up slinging ‘his’ arm around his shoulder. Pulling Jisung closer than ever. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Jisung looks up at ‘him’ in awe. He’s heard it a million times. The words ‘I love you’. He’s heard in the morning, over crumbs left on the table, over the steam of coffee. He’s heard it in the night, between whispers, soft moans, and kisses. And he would love to hear it while the sun provides little to no light. While he is tightly wrapped in ‘his’ arms. “I don’t think you have.” ‘He’ inhales like he’s ready to read a story in one breath. Maybe tell a story of two people. Two people who are destined for each other. Who are destined to intake and soak up each other’s love.
“Well Han Jisung, to say I love you would be an understatement. I think if I had twenty four hours to live, I'd spend it with you. Every last minute to every last second. And maybe that isn’t enough. Because I’d give you the oxygen I breathe, just so you could inhale and bare to walk the ground again. And if that isn’t enough I hope I can express it over small gestures. Like kisses,” He pauses to give Jisung a peck on the lips, “I’ll tie your shoes for you, wash your hair, or kiss the places you feel the most pain, and if you ever don’t feel confident. Maybe I could kiss every insecurity away. Starting with your legs, your stomach, your arms, your head and then your lips. Jisung you are fucking gorgeous and I know I said too many times to count but god you are so down to earth, and so fucking pretty,” He kisses his cheek,”Beautiful,” he kisses his other cheek, “Divine,” he kisses his nose, “Adorable” he kisses his forehead, “You’re so goddamn breathtaking,” but it isn’t ‘him’ who’s kissing him first. It’s Jisung.
He pushed himself forward and crashed his lips into ‘his’. He lets the moment slide on as ‘he’ leads them in a passionate kiss. Letting sparks enter his heart. He knew how much ‘he’ loved him. He didn’t need those words, but to hear it made him gooey. His body went slack. Tears slowly fell down his puffy cheeks. It felt like falling in love all over again. With peace and silence. Only the sound of his own heartbeat. He separated his lips from ‘his’ and- “I love you.” ‘He’ smiled and wiped his tears away with 'his' thumbs. After 'he' let 'his' lips lock up with Jisung’s. And as the wind passed by delicately. He realized this is him. The person he was destined to share every living and breathing moment. It was with him.
“We’re here,” Felix says. Jisung looks over to the smiley Felix. Jisung offers a smile back. He takes the signal and opens the car door. Ready to get to ‘his’ grave, but realizes Felix isn’t getting out. “Are you coming with me?” Jisung asks quietly. “Oh no, you need some alone time with him. Just tell me when you’re done. I’ll be here,” Felix gives him one more smile before leaving the car. He takes the long walk to ‘his’ grave and once he arrives he just stares. Not a single word falls past his lip. And before a single tear is shed he clears his throat.
“Hi, this is really awkward. Not having you in front of me. But you are in front of me, just not literally…umm i guess for starters. I miss you a lot. Like a lot. And it pains me to even be here and not have you hugging me or me cuddle up against you. But it’s whatever now,”Jisung pauses and lets out a shaky breath. He didn’t grasp how hard this was going to be. He thought about leaving because maybe he wasn’t ready. But he didn’t. He’ll never be ready. “Shit, this is hard. God I wish you were here to make fun of my legs. My walk and talk. My anger issues and our stupid meangless arguments. Now all those things are a memory. And I made sure to write everything down so I'll never forget how much love you gave me. It was one of the best ideas to let you form a home in my heart. Even though it ended like this. I don’t regret a single thing. I love you, a lot. And it’s been hard saying your name. Even hearing it makes me go into hiding. It’s like cutting open a fresh wound over and over again. But I'm here for closure, and to say I love you, and,” he holds up the little necklace and bends down to the headstone, “I brought this for you and I want you to have it since it’s dear to me so..”
Jisung takes the necklace and places it by the headstone. He buries it under the dirt that still lies there. And once he’s done he’s finally let tears slip through. “I’m sorry, I should have been there for you. You shouldn’t have to tell me anything. I wish I was more understanding like I am now. But god, I miss you so fucking much Minho. I am so lost without you in my life. So so fucking lost. And it really hurts. But I can’t change anything and I have to learn to be ok with that. It’s a slow process,” he chuckles through his cries, “But I can do this. Felix has helped me a lot and I thanked him for that so much. So let me get him. Our convestation is closing. I love you Minho, I love you, I love you,” he sobs out multiple times. Jisung lets himself fall into the dirt. Tugging at the grass as he cries out. “I love you Minho, I love you so so much.”
He looks up from the ground to Minho’s headstone. He gets up going back telling Felix to come say his words. And Jisung stands by his side listening to every word. He listens to him say all kind things about Jisung. His outburst and his crying spells. But he ends it with ‘I miss you’. And Jisung says one more ‘I love you’. Before he leaves ‘his’- no Minho’s grave. He leaves it and lets the chapter close. Another healing process begins and he’s ok with it. He’s just alright. Even knowing that he could no longer share a moment with him. Or intake the same loving air. Instead he had to learn to take the cruel and harsh world on his own. But he can do it.
For Minho gave Jisung the oxygen to breathe, just so he could inhale and bare to walk the ground again.