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"And where have you been all night?" Blaine teased, glancing over his shoulder as Sam entered their apartment.
"I don't know dude," he groaned, falling face first onto the couch. "I woke up at some girls apartment. So obviously I snuck out because no way was I going to deal with that awkwardness. But then I found this," he slammed a piece of paper onto the coffee table, "in my coat pocket on the way home."
"What is it?" Blaine asked, barely looking over at him because his attention was on flipping the pancakes he was making.
There was another groan from behind him. "I can't look at it. I can't I'm going to start throwing up again if I do."
"What? Did you kill someone?" Blaine asked, turning the stove off and heading to the sink to wash his hands.
"I wish."
Blaine stacked three pancakes on a plate before walking the ten steps it took to get to Sam. He sat down next to him, "Here, I'll trade you." Blaine set the pancakes down in front of Sam before grabbing the paper he'd thrown.
CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE
Blaine inhaled sharply, accidentally sending himself into a coughing fit when he choked on saliva. By the time his breathing returned to normal, Sam had eaten half of the pancakes.
Blaine stared at the paper a moment longer, eyes darting around it to pick out the names "Sam Evans," and "Rachel Berry" where the couples names should be, as well as a few witnesses whom he'd never met before.
"You got married?!" he finally burst out. "Just yesterday you were going on about how great it is to be single!" He glanced back down at the certificate before tossing it back onto the table. "Who even is Rachel?"
Sam shoveled the last pancake into his mouth, slumping backwards once more. "I don't know. I got super drunk, got married, and then woke up in someone else’s bed. It's like The Hangover or something but not fun. Oh god," he moaned. "I have to talk to her, don't I? She probably doesn't know, and we need this undone, but I just snuck out."
"The sooner you go over there and tell her, the better," Blaine said, because he knew Sam would spend ages not telling her otherwise.
"You go," Sam pleaded.
Blaine let out a laugh. "You want me to go find the girl you accidentally married, when, not only have I never met her, she has no idea you're married?"
"...please?"
Blaine sighed. "Go shower and change. I'll go with you."
After getting lost not once, but twice, they finally managed to locate the correct apartment building.
They reached the fifth floor of the building after following someone in, only for Sam to come to a halt.
Blaine shot him a look. “Alright… which one’s hers?”
“I don’t know dude, but it took me a few minutes to find the stairs on my way out.”
Blaine groaned, “Well, you better start knocking on doors asking for Rachel then.”
“What if I just stay married to her?” Sam pleaded as Blaine attempted to drag him forward.
“You can’t just-” Sam clapped a hand over Blaine’s mouth. Blaine glared at him indignantly, preparing to bite him as Sam’s eyes travelled down the hallway.
“Shut up, I think that’s her singing. I vaguely remember her singing at some point. Karaoke maybe?”
Blaine pulled Sam’s hand off his mouth. “First of all, ew, please start washing your hands more often. Second of all, if that’s her voice, let’s go figure out which apartment’s hers!” he said, beginning to pull Sam towards the sound.
When they reached the door, Sam knocked before immediately panicking. “What am I supposed to say?” he hissed at Blaine. As footsteps approached the door, Sam bolted down the hallway, leaving Blaine to smile awkwardly at the (wow, really hot) guy who answered the door. Fuck. Did Sam hook up with someone who was married?
“You’re not Rachel,” Blaine said dumbly as he stared at the man.
“Observant,” the man raised an eyebrow before turning to shout, “Rachel! You have a gentleman caller!”
“Not so loud,” he heard a woman groan. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Oh,” Blaine was quick to say, while still preening a little at being called a ‘gentleman’ even if it was tinged with sarcasm. “It’s not actually me that’s here to see her, it’s-” he glanced down the hall to see Sam skulking at the end of it. “My friend Sam. Sam?” he called, raising his voice.
There was silence for a moment before Blaine heard a sigh, “Fine.”
By the time Sam reached the door, Rachel was standing there as well, Kurt surveying the situation with a bemused smile on his face.
“Um, hi,” Sam said with an awkward wave.
Rachel crossed her arms. “I assumed when you snuck out that you didn’t plan on coming back.”
“I didn’t,” blurted Sam. Blaine cringed, but glanced behind Rachel at the sound of a laugh. Kurt met his gaze and grinned.
“Seeing as how this doesn’t seem to concern us, would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?” Kurt asked.
For a moment, Blaine considered declining. A small part of him had been greatly looking forward to seeing Sam’s conversation with Rachel play out. Instead, he decided to follow Kurt to the kitchen. It wasn’t every day that a stunning guy asked him into his apartment for coffee.
The apartment apparently had no walls though, so despite being in the kitchen, Blaine could hear Sam’s awkward attempts to explain why he had returned.
Kurt gestured at a seat while he moved over to the coffee pot.
“So,” Kurt started, when he’d settled down in his seat, passing a mug to Blaine. “Does your friend do this kind of thing often?”
Blaine blinked, looking up from where his gaze had been focused on the way Kurt’s fingers wrapped around his mug. “Do wha- oh! No. Well, the one nightstand thing he does, but the-”
“We’re married!?” Rachel’s shriek cut him off.
Kurt’s eyes bulged as Blaine laughed a little. “This is the first time he’s gotten married.”
“They got married?” Kurt hissed. “Is that even legal?”
“…Wouldn’t it be?”
“There’s usually some sort of waiting period isn’t there?”
Blaine pulled out his phone while Sam and Rachel continued freaking out. After a quick google search, he pushed the phone across the table to Kurt. “Twenty four hours.”
“Oh thank god,” Kurt sighed in relief.
“I can’t be married!” Rachel shouted.
“Rachel!” Kurt tried to interrupt. “Guys!” he called out again when Sam and Rachel ignored him.
“Sam!” Blaine tried.
“My parents are going to kill me! I don’t have time to be a husband-”
“We are not staying married,” Rachel interrupted.
Kurt turned back to Blaine, “Apparently they don’t want our help.”
Blaine laughed. “I was tired of pretending to be Sam’s parent anyway.” He glanced down at the table before meeting Kurt’s eyes and feigning confidence. “What do you say we get out of here? Maybe grab some food?”
Kurt looked at him, gaze calculating before he nodded, standing up. “You definitely owe me lunch at the very least for dropping by so early with a bombshell. Unless-” Blaine, who had been pushing his chair back in, paused. “You don’t have any ex-wives from past one-night stands do you?”
Blaine grinned, fairly certain this was Kurt’s way of asking if he was gay. “Not really my thing.”
“Meaning?” Kurt asked as they headed for the door, scooting around Rachel and Sam who were still standing just inside the door, panicking at each other.
“I’m not a one-night stand type of guy. Nor do I have any plans to find a wife.” Kurt glanced over at him. “I’m gay.”
He saw Kurt smile and had to bite down on a grin of his own. “Any husbands?”
“Not yet. I need a boyfriend who sticks around for more than a few months first.”
They headed down the stairs. “That’s what happens when you date people with poor taste,” Kurt remarked. “Unless it’s your roommate that’s scaring them off.”
“Oh, it’s me scaring them off.” Blaine let out a bitter laugh. “Apparently wanting to be exclusive or go on actual dates is asking too much.”
“Maybe it’s your taste that’s the issue.”
“Hey!” Blaine said, a little insulted. Kurt might be hot, but that didn’t excuse rudeness.
“I just meant that you might be picking the wrong guys to date. Maybe I can help you with that if you take me somewhere nice enough,” Kurt winked at him as they reached the bottom of the stairs.
Blaine laughed, “If this is your way of trying to flatter me-” stomach fluttering.
Kurt shrugged, holding the door open for him as they walked outside. “Maybe I just want a good lunch.”
“Well if I can’t set the bar too high before I even ask you on a-” Blaine’s eyes widened. Whoops.
“Ask me on a…?” Kurt prompted, eyebrow raised.
“Ummmm,” Blaine blushed. “I’m getting ahead of myself. Lunch. What’s good around here?”
Kurt gave him a considering look, before starting down the street, Blaine hurrying to keep up. “There’s a cute Italian place a few blocks away I’ve been meaning to try.” He slowed down a little, dodging a few pedestrians, and glancing back at Blaine. “I promise it won’t set the bar too high,” he winked.
Blaine’s stomach swooped. Assuming the lunch revealed that he and Kurt had compatible interests, this was might turn out rather well for him.