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What a great damn day-n-night-wait! Is it an early morning? Is it, like even bright outside or nah?! Does time in my room even exist, or na-a-rgh...
That is happening every damn time I try to start my monologue. Every single time I wanna feel like some anti-hero or so. And... and to be honest, it feels like my mind is getting hypocritical at this point.
You might ask some obvious questions, and, of course, get even more obvious answers... And even weirder questions.
Why don't you see the sun raising? My room is in a basement, no sunlight here. Why won't you come upstairs? Family – usually disturbing for us all to interact. Why won't you just get a life?!- Aw, heck knows, because… Because society makes me so or… Oh right. Maybe that's how self-destruction works...
Sitting in here really is boring actually. Internet keeps me calm, though people there are usually toxic. These little kids keep shutting you and making themselves victims. Real life is just… pushing me around, left and right, AND people I talk with are definitely not the best. These darn picky middle-aged shouters, staring at me like I'm a clown. Framing me, laughing and screaming at me for whatever reasons just because I am younger and dumber than them. I do keep hating on the last ones anyway. Like, of course staring at the monitor is nice if you have to live with these jerks. And yet, when choosing to stay in my room, I partly feel bad for not changing my mind. Where am I going to? Getting out of fifteens, needing to choose my lifestyle and so. And yet… For hell's sake.
I am being dramatic again.
Another day of browsing abandoned forums, another time to list through some comics I have left. My spine keeps hurting. Only getting out to buy snacks. Everyone's staring at me and I pretty stink. "Mom"'s not calling to eat dinner anyway. "Sister"'s not responding because she keeps studying or something. And only my dad checks into my room by nighty seven o'clock. "Doing alright?" Yup. "Not feeling sick?" Not really. "You sure?" Yea, thank you. You are caring at least, sorts of. But why not taking me and my only sibling somewhere fun?
We never had a family bonding after all!
Just painted my hair blue a few months ago. Looking so edgy and "relatable" uh-huh. Them classmates telling me I am a poser, not belonging to the subculture I "eagerly" tried to fit in. Maybe they are right. But at least I feel more unique. Though right now it's growing out, exposing that brown piece of hair I've originally had for… a few inches or something. And overall I think I need to get a haircut again - it just keeps growing.
And do I even need to go to school anymore? There's nothing new anyway.
All of that is just plain crying and shaking for help. But maybe… sooner, or later, maybe something will cardinally change.
My mood for today is an example. I usually stare in my screen with no emotions, but now the brain is just a mixture of FURIOUS and EXHAUSTED!
Like UGH!
My head hurts, I feel so beaten up. Also the urge to puke is raising up… And…
What happened to me now? I haven't even left the room, but now I am somewhere else. Where I was before, there was no fresh air, but now it's still the same, but it's ice cold!
The shades of blue, white and grey, rusty stains and weak lights are haunting me right from the start. As I lifted my head, I thought: "Is that some crappy school cafeteria?" Some shutdown vending machine, a white thin table, two white thin benches standing against each other… It would have been alright - if there weren't dead rats lying across them all! It gave me the most spiky creeps.
Why the crap am I here? Why the crap it is so damn silent? What have I ever the crap done? It felt like it was not a fever dream, that just could not be that. I felt everything. I felt terrible lamp screeching. I felt my head. I felt scared.
Just like it was hell in here. Not some any boring hell where it's hot and blood is spewing all around. No, not at-damn-all! Sometimes all you need for suffering is cold and completely rotten place, where the only thing that moves is you. The sheer fear of loneliness. Like… Like you're going to die slowly from cold or thirst or hunger and no one will help… So painful, that…
Yep, I've gotta cry for real now. I'll just weep for a sec, one little sec. But then then then, I should take action. Maybe there is a nice, dusty sweater around here? Maybe there is some hope for me and I will find out what happened? Maybe-s...
But for now, it's sobby time.