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Ed sat cross-legged on his bed in the fighter's sleeping quarters. Everybody else had already left for breakfast and morning instruction.
He looked down at his hands and a tear slipped down his face.
Shaking, he lifted his mattress. Underneath was a pocket knife. He'd found it in a box in the back of the armory and had been saving it for a... "rainy day".
Ed had never done anything like this before. He didn't know why. He deserved it.
Another tear dripped into his lap as he rolled his sleeve up to his elbow.
With a trembling hand and a hammering heart, he made two thin slits on his left wrist. He started sobbing, his body spasming with each sharp intake of breath, tears and snot dripping down his face.
It stung but the physical pains helped ease the mental ones. He deserved it anyway. He was so stupid.
The door started to open, Ed dropped the knife and quickly pulled his sleeve back up his arm.
As Kyle stepped into the room he wiped his face,"Hey."
"Hey boss," said Kyle as he closed the door behind him. "Whoa, what's wrong?"
Ed looked down and Kyle came to squat in front of him, putting a hand gently on his shoulder.
Ed and Kyle had become official almost a month ago. Ed was so happy whenever he saw him, but Kyle was only human too and couldn't keep all the bad things away. The bad thoughts.
"Are you okay?" Ed still didn't respond.
Kyle reached out to hold his hand but he drew it away. Ed saw him glance at the bloody pocket knife on the floor.
"I'm fine" Ed whispered hoarsely.
"Can I give you a hug?" Kyle asked, Ed nodded slowly.
But as he reached up for the embrace, his sleeve slipped slightly.
"Oh my God!" Kyle gasped and he grabbed Ed's arm.
Ed started crying again, "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry."
"Oh Ed..." Kyle looked strained. "Why?"
"I deserve it."
Kyle looked at him sadly, "That's what we all say."
Ed remembered that Kyle had once done these things. He looked down at Kyle's wrists, covered in the clean lines of scars.
"Listen, you don't deserve it," Kyle traced Ed's scar on his face. "You're beautiful and amazing and you've already been through so much."
Ed was still looking down at Kyle's wrists, "How did you stop?"
"I didn't. Until the whole zombie thing," Kyle sighed, "No more school, no more Mum, no more smug jerks."
"I want to do this. I hate that I want to do it but that just makes me want to do it more," Ed finally looked away from Kyle and brushed his fingertips over the fresh wounds on his own wrist, smearing the blood.
"I can't make you stop," said Kyle. "But I can damn well try."
"Kyle?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry."
Kyle stared at him for a second and then grabbed him in a bear hug, "You shouldn't be sorry, this isn't your fault. I know what it's like, I know it feels like nobody cares, but I do. I care, Ed. I love you."
Ed inhaled sharply, "I- I love you too."
He buried his head in Kyle's chest, forehead pressed against his collarbone. Kyle kissed the top of his head, Ed was momentarily happy but could feel the looming weight of his psyche telling him he didn't deserve this. That Kyle didn't deserve a suicidal freak who's kill count was higher than his self-esteem.
But for now they were happy, they were together, and Ed never wanted to leave his arms.