Work Text:
Some things are just out of our control
In many ways, this phrase is used to comfort - to soothe a distressed mind. For many this phrase is a form of relief, knowing it wasn't their fault for their outcome. Knowing that everyone at some point in their vast lives had felt out of control made them feel not alone.
For Lan Wangji, control was something hard to come by.
For Lan Wangji, control was always in the hands of his family.
For Lan Wangji, control of himself was almost nonexistent.
For Lan Wangji, only had his rules to follow, the only thing he could control himself to do.
And yet he didn't have sole control of that either. He could only regulate, never conjure.
He could only walk the footprints already made in the snow,
He was never able to venture out onto the untouched snow plains, where he could set his own path. Where he could be the first and last person to make footprints in the snow.
For the boy named Lan Zhan, coddled by his late mother, protected by his older brother, shielded by his uncle,
Lan Zhan - Lan Wangji - never had control
Until he met him.
Wei Wuxian.
His Wei Ying.
Wei Wuxian showed him how to walk his own path, to make his own footprints in the snow. Where only he would walk.
Wei Wuxian showed him how to live.
In class, in the halls, on the weekends, in the dining hall,
it was always LanWangjiandWeiWuxian
or "Lan Wangji! Where's Wei Wuxian?"
or "Wei Wuxian! Where's Lan Wangji?"
there was never just one.
Always one after the other.
Until it wasn't.
Always. Always always always. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian.
But now, in his new beginning, it was just Lan Wangji.
No 'and' no 'where is' no 'Lan Zhan!' no nothing.
Only Lan Wangji. The boy with no control.
New School,
New teachers,
New (old?) Country,
New (old) Language,
New old people,
Old 'friends',
Old place.
Lan Wangji's new beginning, his second renewal, was not new at all. But a recession to the beginning, The real beginning.
Where Lan Wangji never knew control,
To where he was coddled, protected, and shielded. Never to make his own prints in the snow.
He knew the sights, the habits, the people.
He didn't know the people. Not at this school.
Where he once sat surrounded by those, he called his friends, where they fervently chattered away, hanging off their every word, he now sat in his perpetual loneliness.
Yet how could he be lonely? He did so well before and had so many friends, so many people to fall back to. Was it their circumstances that made them fast friends? Was it similar events that made them latch onto each other?
No.
He knew the answer.
Where his school had once been small, his year the smallest, with only one class. Everyone was friends.
He now roamed a place, where there were just enough people to appear full, but too few to belong.
Everyone had their friends, their cliques. They were tight-knit, and hard to get into. Every. Single. One. Of. Them.
On his first day, he found someone who felt familiar, who knew the things he did, and who spoke the things he did. It was a step forward. He thought.
Was it a budding friendship? Or was it just acquaintance? Lan Wangji had hoped for friendship. He was left with acquaintance.
He sat in their company, every day.
It was him, Them, and Their partner.
No.
It was Them, Their partner, and him.
He would sit across from the couple, mutely eating his lunch, listening to the quiet giggles and innocent banter. He missed Wei Ying.
Any time he attempted to join in on the conversation, he felt like an intruder. He didn't belong in their bubble. He could disappear for days before reappearing and they wouldn't notice.
The most euphoric form of acknowledgment received was the unwanted fruits given to him. That they didn't want to eat.
In every single class, he made these acquaintances. In every single class, he would offer forms of communication. Desperate for some sense of his past normality.
He thought he made a friend. A friend who would acknowledge him outside of school. They chatted, and Lan Wangji texted. He liked it. He felt like he was going to be okay.
His Friend went cold. Texts shorter. Always busy. Had a new aura of unease around him. Happy around others, silent around him. He missed the constant chatter
He once made the mistake of thinking he made a sort of friend. Someone to talk to in that class. They chatted, and he made a lighthearted comment. The seat next to their friend was empty. Next time he looked beside him and that Someone was already two seats down.
He knew that Someone wanted to sit with their friends, everyone wants to sit with their friends.
But it still stung nonetheless. He missed knowing there would always be someone to fill the seat next to him
Lan Wangji's first big presentation a few weeks into school shook him. He talked. Not for long. Not long at all. He talked far more frequently on daily basis before.
His throat was dry and raspy. He woke up without a voice the next morning. He couldn't believe it. He missed conversation.
It all climaxed at his first school event. He was a required attendee until the bell rang at 4:00 pm. He could make it.
He left the class with one, only for them to disappear. He found another and followed them around for a while until they found their friends and he knew he wasn't welcome. He repeated this process,
over
and
over
and
over.
With five in his bag, he bought a donut for two and a cupcake for three. It kept him occupied, but not long enough. He sat behind a booth for the rest of the event.
He saw Them and Their partner, he didn't want to interrupt.
He was near his Friend, he tried to make eye contact. At least earn a wave. Nothing.
But perhaps it wasn't them that was the problem, not the differences in interests, in friendship dynamics.
Maybe it was him. Maybe he came on too strong. Maybe he shouldn't have looked away anytime his Friend looked in his direction. In fear of being glanced over.
Maybe he comes off as too brooding, maybe he craves too much. Maybe he's expecting too much progress in such a short amount of time.
Maybe he misses what he used to have too much.
The one thing Lan Wangji does know for sure is that he doesn't want to feel so alone anymore.
Always second priority in the conversation.
Another background character in the lives of everyone else. Never a main, not even a side. Always in the background.
Lan Wangji wishes he had control now more than ever. He wishes that he can stand up and walk across the snowy plains down a path only he will ever walk.
On a path back home.
Back to Wei Ying.