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அந்த நாள்... எண்ணத்தில் ஆழப் பதிந்த ஒரு நாள். நந்தினியை பல வருடங்களுக்கு பின் முதல் முறை நான் என் கண்களால் பார்த்த நாள். அதே அழகு, அதே நளினம்.
ஆனால், அவளை பார்பதுற்கு நிலைமை அதை விட மோசமாக இருந்திருக்க முடியாது. என் கண்ணில், என் எண்ணங்களில் இருந்தது இரத்த வேட்கை. நான் பாண்டியனை தேடி தேடி அலைந்தது இதுக்காகவா? இந்த இதயத்தை துளைக்கும் துரோகத்துற்காகவா?
The door I had slammed open had unveiled such a horror I could not have imagined. The love of my life, cradling the man I sought to slay. The door bounced back, closing, as if to hide the scene from me, to protect me from what was to come. But I held it open, and stepped inside.
I could hear her. Desperate. Pleading. Beautiful. Why was she here? Why her? Why, of anyone, would the gods choose her to be here. She clasped her hands, and went down on her knees.
In any other time I would not have allowed that. I would not have let it come to a situation where she would have to supplicate like this. Not to me. Not to anyone. I wanted to lift her up. I wanted to run my fingers across her cheeks to wipe her tears.
But my mind was in a frenzied state of bloodlust, and not even the haze and confusion and numbness of seeing her would change what I came here to do. Through the haze of my mind I approached the bed of the Pandiya king.
Nandini crawled over as well and threw herself over the body of the enemy, her fair, soft hands tainted with his blood. It was as if she twisted the knife she had already embedded in my heart. My hand reached for hers. I had to separate her from the Pandiya king.
She was still shouting, screaming at me to stop. Begging. Crying. I could not. I could not heed her, nor could I not heed her. The spell she casted on me all those years ago persisted. And even then, as I took her hands away from the bleeding king, I could feel them. Soft and shaking. Sending shivers of feelings I had not felt in years down my body without warning.
The sword came down from the side, heavy. It severed the neck from the body, cleanly. Blood sprayed on to my face, on to the tapestry that hung by the bed, and on to Nandini, who ceased her screaming as she stared, horrified, at what I had done.
I wanted to ask her. I wanted to ask what she was doing. Why she was here in the bed of this rival royal. But I could not bring myself to ask her anything. I could not bring myself to even look at her. Her cries and pleading were still fresh on my mind.
So, instead, I turned and left the cabin. I left Nandini there, abandoning her as she did me years ago. And only when I was outside in the forest did I realise I was shaking, as well. I looked at my blade, slick with the blood. I looked at the two tigers adorning the hilt. The reminder of my line, of my birthright, of my duty.
I nearly threw the sword on to the dirt.
But instead I looked for my men, who were all similarly combing the woods for the Pandiya king.
----
The news of the death of Pandiya reached far and wide. The war was over, though the loyalists were still being rounded up for imprisonment.
I received a letter from my father, praising me for my strategies and my penchant for the business of war. My men celebrated as Cholas were want to do. Each night ending with stupor.
Drinking was something I abstained from. I had no liking for it. Clouding my mind was not something I indulged in. But I could not close my eyes at night without seeing hers. Desperate. Pleading. No.
I had to forget. So, I drank. I had to be intoxicated beyond the capacity to dream. Or at least, remember them when I wake. My grandfather saw me as I drank, lips pursed, eyes watchful. He had not said anything. No one had said anything.
Everyone knew I had killed the Pandiya king. But everyone also knew something changed within me afterwards. I could not tell them what. How could I even begin to explain to them? They knew me for a warrior prince, not a man pining for a woman he had not seen in a decade.
So they left me to my drinks as they danced and spent the nights with the daughters of the city.
And then word came from my father for me to return to Thanjai. Word that was handed to me from my grandfather. I read the letter. About unrest further north. About open call to arms.
I wrote back to him, telling him the conquest would not be over until we have conquered all of our enemies. And that I will not set foot in Thanjai until I have accomplished that.
And that was what I did.
For the next few years I had waged war on lands far and foreign. With people who hardly spoke my tongue and claiming their lands in the name of my father. And during the celebrations of our victories I had blabbered.
I had blabbered enough for everyone to piece together what had happened that day. That day when I slew the Pandiya king. I had said her name once, and cried. I had said I had seen her with him. I had said that she begged me not to kill him.
I could not go back to Thanjai. I could not go back to where I grew up with her. I could not go back to... The one who drove her away.
No. Warring was what I was good at. That, and drinking. And I had decided that is what I wanted to do until I either forget about her or I died.
----
A few years of warring passed. My skill with the sword and my knowledge of warfare only grew. I had claimed the bigger kingdoms and colonies. There was not much else to do.
My men were getting restless. They would fight for me without question, but these were no longer real fights. No longer real battles. They were excuses. And though they would never tell it to my face, I knew it was only a matter of time before they would suggest we return to Thanjai.
And maybe it was for the best. Maybe it was time. I would never get the closure I wanted. I would never see her again. Her fate was alien. Something I was never truly privy to. It was madness of me to even try to understand. No, she went her own way. And I went mine. I went deep into mine.
But maybe it was time I resurfaced. Maybe it was time for us to return to Thanjai. To return home. To my scheming little sister and the politics of the mainland. That was one thing I did not miss.
Where I was, things were clear cut. The enemies were obvious. But a different sort of game was played in Thanjai. A game I found tiresome and devious. No, my sister had the gift and the gall for that. My sister was the one suited for that gift. And she used that gift dispassionately.
She drove Nandhini away. Out of jealousy or something else I would never know. But she was the one who drove my love out of Thanjai. Never to be seen again.
Until...
I took a swig of my drink.
The tent I was in was spacious. The village we had chosen to house ourselves in was a gracious host, putting all this together to house our armies.
I looked at my steel again, leaning on the large gong that belonged to my grandfather. The war gong.
Maybe it was time we stowed it all, and returned back home.
I was still thinking about home when the newest of our commanders approached me, one hand behind his back while the other held a scroll to his side. I stared at him, a warrior prince himself who quickly rose in the ranks and became one of my closer associates.
"What is it, Vanthiyathevan? News from my father?" I asked.
"No, my prince. From your sister." He replied, presenting the scroll to me.
I took it, my brow furrowed.
"From Kundhavai?" I took it, and unfurled it.
And what I read brought me back to the cabin in the woods. Brought me back to when I was left shaking and lost. Brought me back to the dread that I tried so hard all these years to escape from.
'Sweet older brother.
It has been a while since our last correspondence. I regret that this news is not going to be pleasant. But I wish for you to hear it from me so there is no question about its authenticity.
Our Periya Pazhuvettaraiyar has recently taken to a wife. He has married Nandhini. She now resides in her husband's palace.
I know not how your feelings about her have changed these past few years, but I think it is time for you to put everything aside and return home. Nandhini marrying into such high royalty is a dangerously calculated move, and to see my brothers so far away at this time while only I reside in our father's home does not put me at ease.
I have told you that I can see shapes here at the capital. Metaphors of prediction I use to garner the state of affairs. I have seen shapes that form into horses for strength. Shapes that become elephants for wealth or become peacocks for royal matchmaking. But recently, I feel the shapes are beginning to form into wolves.
These wolves do not belong in the tigers' den. But they are testing their luck with the tigers so far away. Reaching beyond their station, it feels like. I do not like it. Our king does not suspect easily like I do, and maybe I might be wrong in my reading of these shapes. But irregardless, I do not like for the tigers to be so far away from their den.
Return home, brother. And return safe.'
I stared at the scroll, my eyes slowly getting cloudy.
"My prince?" My friend asked.
"Nandhini..." I breathed her name, and it hung in the air between us, heavy and looming.
"What... What of her?"
"My sister. My sweet, clever sister."
"I do not follow, my price."
"DOES SHE SEEK TO SPITE ME? TO SPIT UPON MY FACE? WHAT WRONG HAVE I DONE?"
Vandiyathevan's eyes widened, and I tried to reign the storm that had erupted without warning within me.
"Wh-who?"
"She has taken Periya Pazhuvettaraiyar to be her husband."
"Kundhavai, my prince?" Vandiyathevan's eyes widened still, and I could not help but be amused. Vandhiyathevan could dissolve my quick tempers with ease. Usually through his wit and humour, and this time his obliviousness to the contents of the letter was what made the tempers fall.
"No, you dolt. Nandhini. She lives in his palace, now." I said. Reading those words on my sister's letter was one thing, but uttering them out loud somehow spoke to the reality of it.
She married that man, of all people.
"That's... I'm sorry, my prince." My friend said solemnly, reading my face.
"Why are you apologizing? You're only the messenger."
"The messenger is still—" I could see the spark in his eyes, the slight smile as he half-curled his lips, a quippy response at the ready. But I interrupted him.
"Don't. Not today, friend. Not now. I admire your quick wit and charm, but I wish to be left alone." I said, turning away.
"Of course, my prince." My friend said, and dismissed himself, leaving me to my thoughts in this tent, so far away from home.
She wanted the tigers to return home to protect the family from wolves. Wolves that had been sated all this time, content. So, what changed?
Kundhavai likened herself to the mongoose, ridding the palace and the kingdom of snakes. But sometimes, when there were not any snakes present, she sought to create them, just to have something to challenge.
Did she not know the wolves would not have been stirred without something slithering into their thoughts, licking and whispering promises into their minds? Did she not know that it was her that created the snake that had incentived these wolves?
No. The blame was not solely hers.
I thought back to the cabin. The woods. Her chilling silence as I took the head off Veerapandiya.
I had a hand in making that snake as well.