Work Text:
A smirk curved her lips as she entered the loft. Joker was in for a surprise tonight. The two of them hadn't been as intimate lately due to her pregnancy and quickly expanding waistline. It had nothing to do with him being disgusted by the changes her body was going through - if anything he was worried he'd do something that would injure Kara or the unborn babies nestled inside of her.
Heading over to the couch, Kara pulled forth the vid terminal, her fingers flying over the virtual keyboard. A few days prior she had downloaded some 'instructional' videos, hoping to get some ideas that would make things easier on both her and Joker in bed. She huffed out a sigh of relief that she finally had some time to sit down and actually view the material.
"Hmm… I thought I saved it here…" she murmured, the file folder she thought she had downloaded the vids to being completely empty. "Maybe if I go here…"
Her confusion turned into a deep scowl as she realized that her entire collection was gone. Checking other file folders, just in case Joker felt it would be safer for the both of them once the Normandy was back in Alliance hands, the scowl shifted into that of a soft snarl as nothing surfaced except for her original reports and files.
"There'd better be a damned good explanation for this," she hissed out, carefully maneuvering herself back into a standing position. Not only had she been looking forward to having some fun with her husband that evening, but Chakwas had suggested it as well, stating that it would assist with loosening the tightness of her muscles from bearing the weight of the babies, and perhaps help urge matters along as the girls were quite a bit bigger than normal twins. Luckily the good doctor had done a thorough examination prior to the suggestion, letting Kara know that both girls were fully formed so an early birth would not harm them in the least.
Waddling a bit toward the elevator, she took it down a floor, needing to check and see if Joker's stash had also been compromised. The closer she got to the cockpit, the more severe her frown became. Was that a sniffle? Did Joker just sob? Ahhhh shit.
"It's… it's gone, baby! My collection has disappeared," Joker snuffled the moment he heard his wife's uneven gait behind him.
"I had a bad feeling about that. Mine's been deleted too," she muttered, carefully arranging herself on the metal support of the console that had been her almost permanent perch since the new Normandy had been built.
"Seven zettabytes of our treasure gone… just… gone!"
"Fuck!" Kara ground out, stomping her foot on the floor. "This means I'm gonna have to swallow my pride and see if Mordin has anything laying around."
"Professor Solus' educational materials have also been removed, Shepard," EDI stated to the pair, her holo globe popping up beside Kara.
"Why have they been removed, EDI? Do you know anything about this?" Joker turned toward EDI's holo, a fierce scowl tightening his features.
"It was necessary," the AI replied, adding nothing more to the statement.
"Why was it necessary?" Kara asked, her eyebrows pulled so far together they almost met in the center of her forehead.
"Cerberus tried to retake control of the Normandy. To flush them out of the system, I flooded their channels with all the explicit imagery I could find within the Normandy's databanks. It…"
"Let me guess. It was a joke, right, EDI?" Kara snapped.
"Cerberus tries to retake control of the Normandy and you fucking reward them?! Goddamnit, EDI! Do you have any idea how long it took me to collect all of that? How long it took Kara? You… you… damn, I'm too angry to come up with any good insults," Joker groaned as he fell back against the chair.
"I swear, EDI, be glad you don't have a physical body right now or else, pregnant or not, I would beat the ever living shit out of you right now," Kara said, punctuating her words with a fist to the metal support she was using as a chair.
"What's going on up here?"
The two of them turned their heads to look at their turian crew mate, the anger in the air so palpable Garrus was almost able to reach out and touch it.
"Stupid AI cleaned out our collection," Joker whined.
"So… let me get this straight. You're pissed off because your porn stash is gone?" Vakarian asked, his mandibles twitching in a manner that Kara recognized as him trying to hold back a laugh.
"Laugh it up, Vakarian. She probably stole yours too," Kara said, her smile sickeningly sweet.
"Nahh, unlike you, I know how to hide mine," Garrus snickered, shaking his head at the two humans before heading back down to the crew deck.
"Shit," Kara sighed. "I had specific vids I had planned on watching today, hoping I could get some tips or pointers to make things easier on us. I miss being with you, Joker."
Swinging his chair over so he could face his wife, Joker stood up and gathered her into his arms.
"Vids or not, we'll find a way. I miss being with you too, Kara," he whispered in her ear. "Now do me a favor and have Gardner fix you something to eat. I'll catch up with you later, maybe see if Mordin can find something on the extranet we can use, okay?"
"Yeah, okay," she murmured, planting a light kiss to his lips before shuffling toward the elevator and to the crew deck.
*****
Luckily for Garrus, the mess area was empty this time of day, because the words she heard coming out of the turian's mouth - some unrecognizeable even to her, would have probably scared the majority of the crew.
"Spirits be damned," she heard him mutter as she carried her bowl of oatmeal with her toward the main battery, the door surprisingly wide open.
"Let me guess, your own personal stash waved goodbye to you, never to be seen again?" she grinned, leaning up against the frame of the door.
"And it was the good shit! A lot of it was the stuff your husband shared with me. And by the stars, Shepard, don't you dare tell me you helped him pick it out like you said to me on Haestrom. I still don't want to think of you and porn at the same time."
Kara smirked and sucked down another spoonful of her meal, her silver blue eyes dancing as she watched the agitated turian.
"Well next time don't make fun of those of us who have impressive collections and you might not find that yours has sent you a 'Dear John' letter because it's found a better home. Though in this case, I don't think Cerberus would be considered a better home. Stupid fucks better enjoy it, I swear to you, or EDI's little joke has definitely gone to waste. On the upside, they're not trying to find a way to take over the ship anymore."
"Spirits, that's why our collections are gone? Cerberus tried to take the ship back under their control?"
"Yup, that's what EDI said," Kara sighed. "Damn, looks like I'll have to turn this baby in along with myself sooner than I'd hoped. I won't take any chances on the crew's safety with the Illusive Man and his people chasing after us.
"Stars…" Garrus groaned, staring up at the ceiling of the Forward Battery. "Joker won't like that one bit, will he?"
"Nope, but we all have a bit of a reprieve until the twins are born."
"Then let them bake forever in that oven of yours."
"Fuck no, Vakarian. I'd like to see you try carrying around a couple of babies, command a ship, and try to keep your balance and focus while sniping asshats," Kara narrowed her eyes at him and shoved another spoon of oatmeal into her mouth. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go upstairs and work on recollecting my stash as well as feed my fish. Just a suggestion - you might want ear plugs tonight, even all the way down here."
Kara's laughter echoed down the hallway as she left her turian brother, the comical look on his face when his jaw dropped the perfect way to lighten her mood.