Archive of Our Own

It was crazy, stupid, loco!

Carlos knew it wasn’t a good idea or a reasonable thing to do, but look, he wasn’t exactly prepared to be confronted with his sexuality in his late twenties. He had been sure he was interested in women, and he was, even though he did find men attractive from time to time. He had guessed that was normal, everyone probably thought so, right? 

That was until he had met Lando or rather until he left him behind. He hadn’t been prepared for feeling like that when he departed McLaren and suddenly wasn’t teammates with Lando anymore. They had always been and still were, good friends, best friends even. And he had known he’d miss Lando, and he did, but the longer he had been at Ferrari, the more he felt a longing that didn’t feel like just friends missing each other anymore. And that definitely wasn’t what Carlos had expected. So he had looked back, relieving the past and their relationship, how close they had been, how physical. And maybe that was what Carlos was missing after he had left. But then again, he got along with Charles very well, they had become good friends, were spending quite a lot of time together. They also were close and physical to an extent. It still felt different, very different. 

The more he thought about it, he realized that he knew the feelings he had. Just not towards another man and well, there he was, in his late twenties, having his gay awakening or bi or whatever over his ex-teammate. Frankly, he was panicking when he finally came to accept it, because what the fuck do you do if you have a crush on your ex-teammate? Or best friend? And what if it’s the same person? 

So Carlos went for the most logical solution: trying to ignore it. Which, well, it was safe to say that it didn’t work very well. 

Without doing anything, he just kept crushing even harder whenever he saw Lando. It seemed that the knowledge of what his feelings meant made them even stronger. But anyway, ignoring wasn’t the right way. 

So he tried the next best thing: googling. It sounded stupid and it really was, Carlos knew, and not only after seeing the results but he was desperate, okay? It didn’t take long to realize that google couldn’t help with ‘how to find out if I’m actually gay’ or ‘How to tell if you’re really in love’, he didn’t even try ‘how to fall out of love’. He was old enough to know that was not how it worked. Even though the same logic should have prevented him from using google altogether. But again, he was desperate. 

The one thing he came across on his search that seemed to be kind of useful was an app that Carlos hadn’t heard of before. 

He wasn’t ready to come out yet, especially since he wasn’t sure if it was real or maybe just a thing for Lando, maybe just a phase even. There weren’t many people he would want to talk to about this. His family would love him no matter what, he was sure, but he didn’t want to confront them before he wasn’t completely sure. Obviously, he couldn’t talk to Lando, because he was the person in question. If Carlos told him anything, Lando would want to know who it was, since they were too close to not talk about it. And Carlos wasn’t ready to have that conversation yet. Or maybe ever. And well, he still was actively driving in F1, that didn’t exactly help either.

So yeah. 

Look, it wasn’t reasonable, or smart, but he had questions. 

It had taken him a few days of consideration and then he spent way too much time staring at the display of his phone, trying to come up with a way to google it again without being suspicious. Not that it was necessary, it was his phone after all. But in the end, he did find and click the link, hoping to find someone to talk to. He downloaded the app and then clicked back as fast as possible, hoping that the shame he felt would be gone in time with him closing the browser tab. 

And maybe he should have known what he got himself into but this wasn’t his fault, really. The app store advertised Grindr as a ‘chat for gay, bisexual and curious men’. And curious he was. What the info didn’t mention was that the app was basically just to hook up. He had to figure that out on his own (and with another embarrassing google search) after he had been pretty confused with some messages he got. It had only been two days but there had been more dick pics than Carlos would ever want to see, innuendos that ranged from bad to horrendous and he had been asked if he wanted to come over and fuck at least 5 times without knowing anything about any of the people. Oh, and anyone seemed to be rude more often than not. Perfect. 

His profile was fake, obviously. But people didn’t seem to get tired of thinking he was, in fact, David Beckham just because he had used a picture of him. He had really thought this would be an obvious choice, he thought he was the player most people would recognize so they would get that it was not him in the picture. He had even added it to his bio, which now read ‘For all those who are not sure: I’m NOT David Beckham. Also, I’m just here to talk, please don’t send me inappropriate pictures.’ 

So yeah, to sum it up, the first two days on that app didn’t go well, and he was about to give up and delete the app but then there was a message that kind of stood out from the rest. 

LEG0L4S: Do people really think you’re David Beckham? I mean, not that I would mind, but.. you know.

HalaMadrid19: He isn’t even that good-looking. Why is everyone so obsessed with him?

LEG0L4S: Not that good-looking? Excuse me? 

HalaMadrid19: Okay, objectively speaking he might be. 

LEG0L4S: object… what? You do know that you’re on a dating app for gay men, yeah? 

LEG0L4S: Sorry, didn’t wanna be rude

And well, that was actually nice for once, Carlos thought. He used full sentences, mostly at least, didn’t send a dick pic, and even apologized. That was not something Carlos thought he would get to experience there. He clicked on the profile which was filled with surprisingly little information, just like Carlos’ own. Everyone else was claiming they were 1.90 m and oh so interesting or showing off their six to eight-packs. But his picture was Legolas from Lord of the Rings, or so Carlos guessed, he wasn’t exactly a fan. And his bio just was what Carlos assumed was a quote. Otherwise, it would have been kind of.. deep for an app that was apparently meant for hooking up. It read "Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world… somebody lied."

HalaMadrid19: It’s okay. I just never looked at him that way. But I guess you’re right, he kinda does look good.

LEG0L4S: Are you looking at pictures of Beckham right now?

HalaMadrid19: No

HalaMadrid19: …maybe

LEG0L4S: :D Ok so... If you don’t mind me asking, but you haven’t known for too long that you’re you know interested in men, have you?

HalaMadrid19: Are you telling me not finding David Beckham attractive gave it away? 

LEG0L4S: THINKING you’re not finding David Beckham attractive. But yeah. Not having thoughts *like that* about someone *like him* kinda does ;)

Carlos didn’t completely agree, but maybe the stranger had a point there. Carlos hadn’t really thought about anyone like that. Anyone but Lando. And he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. He also wasn’t sure if he was going to tell a stranger about it, but that was what he was there for, right? And considering every other (one-sided) interaction he had on this app, there wouldn’t be many other occasions to just talk. 

HalaMadrid19: You’re right. I never really thought about it. But lately, I’m thinking I’m in love with my best friend. My very male, certainly very straight best friend.

Carlos thought it would be more difficult to admit it, but he felt a little lighter just by typing it out. Maybe the fact that it wasn’t a real conversation, that he didn’t even know the person he was talking to was making it easier. Because it was astonishingly easy to just.. be honest. But, of course, it didn’t take long until he second-guessed himself. Maybe he should’ve started with some small talk and not just gone like a bull at a gate? 

He started typing ‘Was that too heavy as..’ but delete the message as an answer from Legolas popped up.  

LEG0L4S: Urgh, tell me about it :/ 

HalaMadrid19: Wait.. you too? 

LEG0L4S: Yup, we’re the lucky ones I guess. But I’ve known for some time already 

LEG0L4S: Not that you actually get used to it lol 

HalaMadrid19: So I’m guessing you didn’t do anything about it? 

LEG0L4S: Nah, just like you said, certainly very straight. Also, I’m too afraid to lose him as a friend tbh

HalaMadrid19: Fair enough 

LEG0L4S: Hey, you wanna hear a funny story? 

The story turned out to be something one of his friends did and wasn’t even that funny but it did lighten the mood. Something Carlos felt Legolas was good at, at least that was the vibe he was getting. They kept texting for a while and Carlos was glad that they actually seemed to get along. Being in the same situation probably helped but he really hoped that maybe he found someone to talk to occasionally. At least until he would have figured everything out.

But then Legolas suddenly didn’t text back anymore and Carlos wondered if he said something. After the initial talk about how they both were in love with their best friends, they mostly talked about random things. They hadn’t gotten into anything too personal, for which Carlos had been very glad. This was a stranger on the internet and he was anonymous but he didn’t want to have to come up with some complicated lies about his life to cover up his identity. Maybe Legolas just got bored. He probably shouldn't be surprised if he never heard from him again. Which.. was a little strange considering Carlos just told him that he was in love with Lando. Something he had barely been able to admit to himself a few days ago. Thankfully, Carlos felt anonym enough to not worry about it. Nobody knew it was him. 

Despite initially wanting to delete the app, Carlos created a folder in his phone, and put some apps into it before adding another folder inside the first folder in which he put the Grindr app. Just in case someone would look at his phone at the wrong moment. Maybe he was a bit paranoid but better safe than sorry, he guess. That he still didn’t feel comfortable about it, didn’t help exactly. He felt guilty and a little ashamed. More because it felt kind of forbidden, kind of wrong, not because it was gay . 

And if he kept wondering and hoping a little bit that maybe he would hear again from Legolas before falling asleep nobody had to know. 

Carlos woke up the next morning and one of the first things on his mind was the conversation from last night. He briefly considered that he just dreamed it but no, his brain wouldn’t be able to make up something like this. He tried to not ponder it too much. It was just a short although nice conversation with a complete stranger. A complete stranger that now knew about Carlos’ secret. Carlos cringed internally, maybe he should have been more careful. But then again how would anyone know it was him? It was impossible. With that in mind, he got up to get some coffee before starting his morning workout. That should take his thoughts off or anything. At least for a while. 

Only after he finished his weights session did he take a look at his phone. Lando had sent him a meme that he found hilarious going by the amount of laughing emojis attached. Carlos chuckled a little. More at Lando’s enthusiasm than the meme itself but he nevertheless enjoyed the easy way they stayed in touch. If it was through memes, face-to-face conversations on race weekends and facetime, or by phone Carlos didn’t mind. As long as he did hear from the other, it was fine. 

After shooting Lando an answer, telling him that his humor was dubious, just the usual jab, Carlos hesitated for a moment. Then navigated to the folder in the folder he had created yesterday and opened Grindr. And he actually found a message from Legolas, so he texted him back while he was at it.   

LEG0L4S: Sorry, fell asleep last night 

HalaMadrid19: Ay, no problem

After that Legolas didn’t reply for a few minutes and well, Carlos didn’t exactly give him much to work with right? Maybe he should have said more, asked a question, anything to not have the conversation die down. It sounded kind of desperate but he had really enjoyed talking to him the day before and Carlos still had a few hours to kill until he had to be at the track so talking some more would be a welcome distraction. 

He waited a little longer but when Legolas still didn’t text back, he took matters into his own hands. 

HalaMadrid19: So, your name is Legolas? 

Carlos cringed, that was the stupidest thing ever but he panicked, okay? 

HalaMadrid19: Like the.. elf?

He added the second message and then cringed some more. Dios, this was a stranger. Why did he even try so hard? And why did he suddenly lose the ability to have small talk or at least say something, anything, rational? There wasn’t an answer immediately and Carlos wasn’t even surprised. With his conversation skills, he wouldn’t want to talk to himself either. He closed the app and put the phone on the table in front of him. Out of reach and face-down as if that would ease his embarrassment. It didn’t. But only a moment later it vibrated, indicating a new message. Slowly he grabbed the phone and turned it around to look at the lit-up screen. There was no notification on his lock screen so it wasn’t a notification for any app he frequently used. Foresightful, the pop-up notifications were the first thing he had turned off for Grindr. For obvious reasons. So it probably actually was Legolas answering. 

LEG0L4S: Excuse me? Are you saying you haven’t seen Lord of the Rings? 

LEG0L4S: Yes, like the elf

LEG0L4S: But no. My name’s as much Legolas as yours is.. whatever the hell that is ;)

HalaMadrid19: To be fair, it is hard to find something that isn’t taken already, no? 

LEG0L4S: True. You can call me Orlando if you don’t like Legolas. 

Carlos frowned. Absolutely not, he thought. Initially, he actually misread the name as Lando and that definitely was a little, a lot, too close for comfort. If he wanted to find out if he was actually in love with his best friend he couldn’t talk to someone that had almost the exact same name. 

HalaMadrid19: Yeah, no. I’m just gonna call you Legolas :) 

In return, he should probably tell Legolas his name though. Not his real one, of course, but his username was a little cryptic, he had to admit. Legolas was a name at least. Maybe he could go by Charlie. But then again there were a few people who did name him like that and somehow it bothered Carlos that didn’t even sound Spanish. He didn’t want to create a whole new identity. And honestly, most of the time Carlos couldn’t exactly hide that he was Spanish considering how often he texted non-Spanish speaking people ‘dios’ or ‘idiota’, so that could be weird. And maybe, probably, he shouldn’t even think so hard about this since it was still a stranger and maybe they wouldn’t keep talking anyway.  

HalaMadrid19: Since you don’t seem to like my username, you can call me Antonio

LEG0L4S: Alrighty then Toni :D So what are you up to today? 

Carlos chuckled at the instant nickname, Legolas was pretty likable if you could even say that after that short of a time. 

Just like the day before they kept talking for a while, the easy conversation flowing rather effortlessly. Still nothing exactly personal, just small talk that wasn’t as boring as small talk usually was. Probably due to Legolas being pretty funny. It seemed like they were avoiding anything that felt too personal, too risky. Like when Carlos said he had to work later that day, Legolas didn’t ask what he did for a living and Carlos avoided equally private questions as well. This time, Legolas even said goodbye when he had to leave only when Carlos had to make his way to the track anyway. At least Carlos didn’t have to wonder if he had said something stupid that way. And maybe it meant they would pick up the conversation later. 

“Did you just fall out of bed? Next time take your time and do your hair first,” Lando teased and promptly earned himself a nudge from Carlos in return. 

“Ay, cabrón, you’re the last person I’d take beauty advice from,” Carlos quipped back before pulling Lando into a bear hug, deliberately overdoing it, squeezing him extra tight. And of course, it made Lando laugh, just like always. Even though he pretended to be annoyed by it every time. 

“Stop crushing me. I know you’re afraid you won’t win against me but that’s no reason to injure me.” 

Carlos chuckled, he had really missed him. In theory, they had seen each other a few days ago already when they had landed. But they hadn’t had the time to actually chat a lot. Actually, they still didn’t, since there was a race weekend to prepare for. They decided to have dinner together that evening before they parted ways and went to see their respective teams. And it was only when Carlos walked down to the Ferrari motorhome that he noticed that, while superficially everything was normal, the encounter with Lando had different. A bit strange, maybe. He hadn’t hesitated to hug Lando but once he held him close, he realized that it was different, that Carlos had felt different. The day before was the first time Carlos actually confessed that he had a crush on Lando or rather that he probably was in love even. He hadn’t even admitted it to himself in so many words before that. And sure, it had been a stranger but now that he had seen Lando, it felt even more real somehow. And Carlos should probably suck it up and stop thinking about it as a crush because it was pretty obvious that this wasn’t coming close to what he felt for his former teammate. 

The weekend had been rather stressful, it was a race weekend after all, and he didn’t get to see much of Lando. Or anyone really. But all in all, it had been a solid weekend with the race going off pretty uneventfully and both Carlos and Charles being able to bring back home good points for Ferrari. So it had kept him distracted for the most part. Even though he had yearned for the time when he had been Lando’s teammate because at least he got to see him during team meetings and dinners. Not that he didn’t like sharing things like that with Charles now, he really liked the Monégasque. But he wasn’t Lando and Carlos just missed his best friend. They just had been able to spend so much more time together when they drove for the same team. Now they only ever saw each other in passing and it seldom was more than an exchange of a few words or a pat on the shoulder on race weekends. With the number of obligations they had, even a simple dinner like they had managed this weekend at least, was hard to schedule. Nevertheless, Carlos was happy for all the time he did get to spend with Lando and they still texted and talked on the phone a lot when they weren’t able to catch up in person. 

On the bright side, having a stressful job meant that he hadn’t had time to think about the fact that he had actually used a dating app (even if it wasn’t for dating purposes, he couldn’t stress that enough even in his own head) and found someone to talk to. It was only on Tuesday evening when he was back home already that he opened the app again and dared to have a look. Legolas hadn’t texted him the whole weekend but he had mentioned working on weekends beforehand. Carlos thought about it for a while but he felt in the mood to chat so he just went for it and send him a message. 

HalaMadrid19: Hey, had a good weekend? 

LEG0L4S: Work mostly but it was fine. You? 

HalaMadrid19: Pretty much the same. But work doesn’t really feel like work for me, so.. 

LEG0L4S: Yeah

LEG0L4S: I gotta ask…

LEG0L4S: you’re really just here to talk? 

HalaMadrid19: Yes. Is that weird?

LEG0L4S: I wouldn’t say weird. Unusual maybe :)

LEG0L4S: What about friends? Family? 

HalaMadrid19: Sometimes it’s not that easy, no?  

HalaMadrid19: My.. profession doesn't exactly allow me to be open about it

LEG0L4S: Ouch :(

LEG0L4S: Wait

LEG0L4S: You’re still not Beckham, right?

HalaMadrid19: Nope, sorry to disappoint 

LEG0L4S: All good, just checking :D 

LEG0L4S: But I get that. I’m kinda in a similar position. I also can’t just go round telling everybody

HalaMadrid19: It sucks, doesn’t it? 

HalaMadrid19: I mean, I haven’t even known long. But for you? Just not being able to tell anyone?

LEG0L4S: Yup. But maybe it’s enough when the people close to you know

LEG0L4S: For now

HalaMadrid19: You’re probably right. Still sucks. 

LEG0L4S: Hell yeah. 

HalaMadrid19: Wanna know a secret? 

LEG0L4S: yeah sure

HalaMadrid19: I don’t even like Beckham that much. I just thought he’d be the one that people would recognize the easiest but SO many people just assumed I was him 

LEG0L4S: :D :D And you didn’t even think he was attractive 

Thankfully they moved from the rather heavy topic to their usual small talk mixed with good-natured banter and it felt really good. Easy. He did want to talk about this stuff with someone but that didn’t mean they couldn’t have some fun as well. What Legolas had said got Carlos thinking, though. Like, he still wasn’t a hundred percent sure how he would label himself. But the one thing he definitely couldn’t deny was that he had feelings for another man, which made him.. not straight. And even if it was only Lando, he supposed his feelings wouldn’t just magically disappear soon. Now that he knew how to read his feelings, he realized that he felt like that for quite some time already. So maybe Legolas was right, maybe it would be easier when someone close to him knew about it. When he had someone to talk to. Maybe he should keep that in mind. 

LEG0L4S: Uhm, look. I was thinking and I think I have to clarify something. It might have sounded like I was super open about being gay and that everyone close to me knows.. but it’s actually only one person. Or two now since I just told them. I just.. dunno. I kinda felt bad for sorta not telling the truth, so I wanted you to know. 

LEG0L4S: But it was good, the conversation with this other person today. They were very supportive and it felt actually really good to get it off my chest and tell them since I’ve wanted them to know for quite some time. 

LEG0L4S: What I’m trying to say is maybe it encourages you to know that I’m not super comfortable either and maybe you have someone you could talk to as well :) 

LEG0L4S: Sorry for the rant :D I just hope you find someone to open up to. 

LEG0L4S: Other than me of course :D I’ll always be your first ;) 

LEG0L4S: Sorry, I guess I’m rambling. I should go. And you know.. sleep 

There was a whole string of messages waiting for Carlos when he woke up the next morning. Legolas had texted him at 3 am. To apologize, apparently. If Carlos did understand his messages correctly. It wasn’t like he had anything to apologize for in the first place. They didn’t know each other and he didn’t owe him anything. But that was exactly what astonished Carlos so much about it. This was just so.. nice. And honest. He reread the messages again, a little more awake before he started typing his reply. 

HalaMadrid19: Thank you

Despite being up in the middle of the night, Legolas was apparently awake since he answered almost immediately. 

LEG0L4S: np :)  

HalaMadrid19: Shouldn’t you still be sleeping?

LEG0L4S: Yeah, well... :D

HalaMadrid19: But really, thank you. That was very kind of you. And I’m happy you had a good experience telling another person. You didn’t have to feel bad about anything, but I really appreciate it. I thought about it, yesterday. And maybe you’re right. Maybe it would be nice to have someone to know. 

HalaMadrid19: Other than you of course ;) 

HalaMadrid19: And now go sleep some more

LEG0L4S: Aye aye ;) 

Carlos shook his head, smiling to himself. Legolas seemed to be a great guy, it was really nice talking to him. But Carlos meant what he had said, it would be nice to have someone to talk to. Someone close to him. 

He got up and ready and half an hour he was on his way to pick up Caco. They were supposed to have breakfast in one of their favorite little cafés they visited far too rarely for their linking yet too often if you asked Rupert. Sometimes he joined them but not without reminding Carlos that he really should stick to his diet more often and Carlos would tell him he would squeeze in an extra run (most of the time he actually even did, he was dedicated like that). 

They spent the short drive mostly in silence. Which wasn’t exactly unusual, they didn’t need many words, but the silence wasn’t quite as comfortable as it normally was. At least for Carlos. If Caco noticed it, he didn’t say anything. But Carlos was way too much in his head, going over the next few minutes to say something, anything to keep up some small talk. It was when they arrived in the parking lot only a few minutes later that Carlos couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Hey, uhm,” he blurted without knowing what exactly he was going to say after that. Caco looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to carry on. And well, maybe he should have given this a little more thought. But if he didn’t say it now, he wasn’t sure if he was going to do it at all. And since this was not something he would want to discuss with anyone in earshot, he definitely didn’t want to do it over breakfast. 

“I.. uhm. I jus... There’s something I wanted to tell you.” Carlos paused, sighing. He wasn’t good with words exactly. But he usually wasn’t that bad either. But.. was he really going to do this? 

“Yeah? Go ahead?” Caco asked, frowning and someone that didn’t know him well would have bet he was annoyed as hell. He probably even was but that was essentially him.

Taking one last deep breath, Carlos questioned his intention one last time but couldn’t come up with any reason not to tell Caco. 

“So, uhm.. lately I noticed that... I.. Dios ! I think I... I’m attracted to men. As well...” 

He ran a hand over his face and into his hair, closing his eyes and silently cursing himself, he definitely should have given this more thought. With his stuttering, he wasn’t even sure if Caco could make any sense of what he had said. But when Carlos looked at him again, his initial frown was gone, expression seemingly neutral but Carlos knew him well enough to spot the small smile playing at the corner of his lips. 

“Okay,” was all he said though.

“Okay?” Carlos echoed, a little confused by his cousin’s reaction, only for Caco to repeat it again before adding, “say, is there... someone?” 

Carlos hummed thoughtfully, a little taken aback by the question. This was not how he thought this would go and why did Caco sound so.. faux innocent? 

“Not exactly,” he said and thought about leaving it at that but then admitted, “but.. well, there’s someone I kinda like?” 

In lieu of an answer, Caco’s pretended innocence was gone and he just groaned. “It’s Lando, isn’t it?” 

“What?” Carlos all but screamed. Why did Caco instantly bring up Lando? How did he guess that? It couldn’t be that obvious, could it? He was ready to panic but Caco was grinning at him. And while it was a devilish grin, it was also fond.  

“What? How?” Carlos was utterly confused. And in panic.  

“Oh, come on, Carlos. You’re really not that subtle. Rupert and I have been betting for years.” 

Carlos felt his eyes go wide. “You what now? Does he” - “Calm down, Carlos. It was a joke,” Caco interrupted him, voice gentle now. “Okay, not only a joke. But it’s all good. Rupert doesn’t know and he wouldn’t say anything anyway. You know he’d support you just the same, right?” Just the same as before. Just the same, just like me. He didn’t say it but Carlos understood it nevertheless. And it immediately made him calm down. They had known each other their whole lives, Caco was able to read him just as well as he could read his cousin. It was probably why this whole conversation didn’t seem to surprise Caco in the slightest. Maybe it shouldn’t have come as such a shock for Carlos. 

When they didn’t say anything for a moment, Caco simply suggested they should go in and finally get their breakfast and Carlos nodded. Actually relieved to not have to talk about this longer, yet also relieved to have said it.

“Yeah,” Carlos agreed, in response to food and to everything else. Thank you was what he didn’t say but Caco hopefully still got from it. 

When Caco rounded the car and stepped next to Carlos he let his hand rest on Carlos’ shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze and Carlos actually managed to smile at Caco. Thankful, relieved. 

Even though it was awkward, it had been easier than he had thought and it felt really good to finally have someone know. To have someone in his corner. To still have the support. To know that nothing changed. Not that he had expected anything else from Caco but assuming and knowing still were two different things entirely. For a brief moment, Carlos found himself wishing he could talk to Lando as well but that probably wouldn’t exactly be the best idea. He would be super supportive, that much Carlos was assured of. But he would also want to know if there was someone, they were just too close to just not talk about it. Also, Carlos generally wasn’t sure if he would be comfortable yet with Lando knowing when he felt like that towards him. He would tell him eventually, he just needed more time. 

After the rather unnerving start to the day, Carlos found himself enjoying the breakfast even more. Spending quality time with people he loved had always been his favorite way to come down. They took their time, devoured maybe one or two pastries too much, reordering coffee more than once, and talked about Carlos Senior’s latest race, how Real Madrid was doing and whatever else they could come up with. 

Once Carlos dropped Caco off at him, he leaned over and ruffled Carlos’ hair, 

telling him to call him if he wanted to talk. And well, Caco wasn’t exactly someone that liked to listen to other people’s problems so this actually was a big deal. And this time Carlos did thank him. When he arrived home, the first thing he did was text Legolas as he really wanted to share his exciting news since their conversation had been the reason why he did it in the first place. 

HalaMadrid19: So… I might have told someone today

LEG0L4S: WELL? How did it go? 

HalaMadrid19: Oh shit, I probably should have mentioned that right away, sorry. It was fine. Apparently, he had known anyway. At least he instantly guessed who my crush is

LEG0L4S: Thank god. 

LEG0L4S: You had me concerned there for a moment, never do that again :D

LEG0L4S: I’m really happy for you that it went well and you have someone to talk to!

HalaMadrid19: I’m just hoping I’m not as obvious as he made it out to be... 

LEG0L4S: He probably just knows you pretty well. I think you’re good. Don’t worry too much 

LEG0L4S: Most people are pretty ignorant anyway when it comes to others

HalaMadrid19: You’re probably right 

HalaMadrid19: Thank you for encouraging me to talk about it :) 

Sooner than later it was race weekend again and Carlos found himself in Belgium. Spa wasn’t Carlos’ favorite but he liked the track and the atmosphere. The best thing was that for once their schedule wasn’t as packed as usual. Which led to another positive thing: having more time off and that was how Carlos found himself in Lando’s hotel room on Wednesday. They had seen each other at the paddock the day before already but it was nice to spend some alone time with his ex-teammate again. Even though Lando managed to talk Carlos into a round of FIFA. Initially, he hadn’t felt like playing but he had never been particularly good at saying no whenever Lando was involved. His high-pitched “Carlooos, pleeeease” combined with that pout of his wasn’t exactly helping his case either. At least Carlos won most of the matches, as usual. 

“Ay, cabrón, why do you even still play when you’re so bad?” Carlos mocked the Brit as he scored another goal. 

“Shut up,” he mumbled as he shoved at Carlos who just laughed in return. 

Lando was pouting again and Carlos might be biased but it was adorable. And Carlos knew that the smile on his lips was way too fond for the context, for friends playing FIFA, mocking each other. But it seemed that Carlos wasn’t able to act like they were friends anymore. Not since he had admitted out loud that he liked Lando. Or maybe it was even before then. It probably was, considering what Caco had said. Maybe Carlos was just more aware now that he accepted his fate. But if he thought about it, he had always been way too fond of the other, likely never acted friendly since he’d been gone on him right from the start. 

After Lando was apparently tired of losing, he threw his controller onto the coffee table before his feet promptly followed. 

“You know what,” he said as he sank down deeper into the couch “I’ll just kick your arse on Sunday. As revenge.” 

“A ver, cabrón. We’ll see,” Carlos answered and lazily nudged Lando’s leg with his knee as he made himself more comfortable. They sat in companionable silence, Lando with his eyes closed while Carlos couldn’t take his off the younger. He looked so relaxed, so at ease and it was a sight, Carlos wished he could see way more often. He once again found himself missing being Lando’s teammate. They had been able to spend so much more time together, back when he was at McLaren. Whether it was in hotel rooms or their flats or even at work. Carlos missed being around him that much, Carlos missed him. He was more than happy that they still were good friends and spoke to each other regularly but it just wasn’t the same. Especially now that Carlos knew what he actually longed for. Not that it changed anything and he would forever be fine with just having this friendship if Lando wasn’t offering anything more. But that didn’t mean that he couldn’t hope. 

When it got late and the conversation, they had picked up, slowly started to die down with weariness, it was time for Carlos to leave. Which wasn’t an easy task. On one hand, he was tired and would rather have slept on the couch than move. On the other hand, he really didn’t want to leave Lando. The fatigue made him yearn even more, making him wish he could simply take Lando to bed, get them both under the covers, and spend the night. To just stay.  

Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen, so Carlos got up and made his way to the door to put on his shoes.

When Lando didn’t move, Carlos wasn’t even sure if he was awake anymore. They definitely shouldn’t have been up that long before a race weekend even though it was only Wednesday. 

“Oi! Cabrón,” Carlos exclaimed but only got a lazy hum in response. At least Lando’s eyes opened, so he wasn’t asleep. 

“I’ll see you around. Promise me you don’t sleep on the couch, yes?” 

Another hum. “Cabrón, promise me, or I’ll put you into bed myself.”

“What if that’s what I want?” Lando mumbled and Carlos hesitated. Had Lando really just said that? But Carlos was certain he had heard correctly. Lando had mumbled, yes, but not to the point of his words being unintelligible. He surely didn’t mean it like that. It was just Carlos’ lazy brain playing jokes on him and he decided to leave it at that. 

“ Buenas noches, cabrón . And go to bed,” Carlos said, his voice soft and gentle. Trying not to interrupt the serenity of the moment. 

“In a minute,” Lando muttered, smiling up at Carlos, a tired but genuine smile. “G’night, Carlos.”

When Carlos all but fell into his own hotel bed he couldn’t help the grin that made its way onto his lips. The course of the evening hadn’t been exactly out of the ordinary. But the sight of Lando, lazing around on the couch, half asleep, words only a mumble. It had made him feel a surge of affection in his chest to be the one of the people Lando was so comfortable with, he cared so much for him, and seeing him like this was just.. it just did something to Carlos. And if he fell asleep within minutes, smiling to himself, nobody had to know.

Okay so maybe he couldn’t keep it from everybody. Because perhaps Carlos was a little too cheerful and Caco instantly rolled his eyes when he saw him the next morning. 

“I don’t even wanna know,” was all he said as they went to grab breakfast and it wasn’t like there was anything to tell anyway. And even if there was, he wouldn’t have. On one hand, it was reassuring that Caco knew. But on the other, it also was a little unsettling. Throughout the whole weekend, he shot Carlos knowing glances and grinned or rolled his eyes whenever Lando was so much as in sight. Carlos knew that it wasn’t even unusual behavior for his cousin, he had done so before, and nobody would pick up on what he was about. He knew that nobody could know about him. Caco still was the only one. But still, Carlos felt more and more anxious the further the weekend progressed. Every time he so much as looked at Lando he felt like his feelings were written on his forehead for everyone to see. And it was on Saturday that he couldn’t take it anymore. FP3 had been okay but Carlos couldn’t concentrate properly as his thoughts kept drifting and he really needed to get this out of his system before qualifying if he aimed for a good result. Which he always did. 

As soon as he was out of his car, he made his way to his driver’s room, ignoring whoever shot him curious looks on the way. He searched for his phone and opened Grindr. He had briefly considered talking to Caco (and he would if Legolas wasn’t available) but he really wanted to talk to Legolas. He felt like he would get it. Caco would try to calm him down and try to tell him everything was fine but he wouldn’t actually know how it felt. 

HalaMadrid19: Hey, you there? 

HalaMadrid19: I think I need someone to talk to? 

Carlos made himself change and get in a few exercises to calm himself down. Also, he had to drive in less than two hours he couldn’t hang around there forever, waiting for an answer. When he took a look at his phone about ten minutes later, Legolas had just answered. 

LEG0L4S: What happened? You good?  

HalaMadrid19: Yes

HalaMadrid19: No

HalaMadrid19: I’m not sure 

LEG0L4S: Okay, I really wanna help you. But I’m afraid you don’t make a lot of sense right now

HalaMadrid19: Yeah, sorry. Ah, so I’m at work and I’m... freaking out a little. I feel like everyone knows?! 

LEG0L4S: Have you told anyone else? 

HalaMadrid19: No. It’s still only one person and I know they haven’t said anything. It’s not really possible that anyone else knows 

LEG0L4S: That’s good. So I’m sure nobody knows 

LEG0L4S: But I know exactly how you feel. I guess it’s because once you told someone it’s not a real secret anymore and you feel kinda exposed? 

LEG0L4S: If that makes sense? 

HalaMadrid19: But what if I’m really that obvious? Like my friend told me? Maybe everyone else just knows as well? 

LEG0L4S: Hey, you’re fine. I promise. 

LEG0L4S: I’m sure nobody knows. Take a deep breath and try to think about it rationally. You didn’t tell anyone other than your friend, who didn’t tell anyone as well. There’s no way anyone could know. 

LEG0L4S: I know it’s hard. I’ve been there. But it’s okay, I promise. You’ll be fine! 

LEG0L4S: Is your friend there? Maybe you can talk to them? I’m sure they will assure you that nobody knows as well

HalaMadrid19: I guess you’re right

HalaMadrid19: I’m sorry to spring that on you, I was a little bit of a mess there 

LEG0L4S: Don’t apologize. You can always talk to me. But I gotta go now. I’ll text you later, okay? Go talk to your friend. 

HalaMadrid19: I will. Thank you! 

It wasn’t like Carlos was completely convinced but he felt way calmer once he said it and he got it out of his system. Of course, Legolas was right. Rationally viewed, there was no way that anyone could know. Nobody had said or implied anything, he didn’t get any strange looks or something. Well, not stranger than usual, at least. His mind had been playing tricks on him but thankfully he had Legolas to talk to. Carlos wasn’t sure if Caco would have been able to calm him down the same. And maybe Carlos should feel weird about it, confiding in a complete strange, trusting that he would understand and be able to help him out instead of his cousin he knew his whole life. But no matter how hard he thought about it, he just didn’t feel like that. Legolas was a complete stranger, yes. But Carlos had a feeling that he was genuine in what he said and against all odds, Carlos actually trusted him. With things like that at least. Caco just didn’t know how it felt, couldn’t even if he tried, so Legolas had been the obvious choice for Carlos. 

Putting away his phone, he took a few more minutes to gather himself, trying to get back in the zone and forget about the last few hours. When he felt mostly like his usual self again, he started his pre-quali-routine and actually managed to keep his mind on the task at hand during the session and throughout the rest of the day. 

It was hours later, after qualifying and all media obligations were done, when Carlos thought about the morning again. Lando as well as Caco had asked him if he was okay but both of them bought the excuse that he was just tired. At least he hoped so. But it wasn’t even a lie exactly, Saturdays were tiring enough as they were but the additional stress from his meltdown wore him out even more. As he got back to the hotel, he showered once again, more to clear his mind than to actually get clean, and then went to bed. It was still relatively early but he had to be on his A-game for tomorrow’s race and even though he wouldn’t go to sleep just yet, getting comfortable in bed sounded like the best plan he could think of. 

Inevitably, his mind went back to earlier that day, back to him freaking out for no actual reason at all. Not that he knew that there was no actual reason. Now? Sure. Earlier? Not so much. But that was just the thing, right? That the mind isn’t able to think logically when you freak out like that. Often enough, Carlos had witnessed it when Lando had been anxious or panicking. And he never thought there was anything wrong with it, he just didn’t know how to act. Until Lando had explained to him that, rationally, he knew that what he was thinking wasn’t actually true but that his brain didn’t really believe him when he was in a state of panic. Up until now, Carlos had been the one trying to comfort, today he had been the one that needed comfort. But Lando’s explanations had helped Carlos to understand how he felt in those situations, helped him not to try and discuss moments like these but rather just try to calm him down. And after today, Carlos experienced firsthand what Lando had meant and how helpless it could make you feel. If anything, it made him feel even worse for his friend to have to go through it as often as he did.

It was awful how helpless Carlos always was, how he wanted nothing more than to be able to actually help Lando. And there he was once again. Lando. Carlos didn’t even notice how his mind instantly went towards Lando. Just like it was the case so often, lately. Over and over again, Carlos wished he could just talk to him about everything. He knew Lando would understand him, maybe not as much as someone who went through the same but still. He would be nothing but supportive and he could definitely teach Carlos a thing or two about how to deal with anxiety. The worst thing was that Carlos was certain that, even if he would tell Lando that he had feelings for him, wouldn’t be weirded out or distance himself. So, there wasn’t really any reason not to talk to him. At least not in theory. But there was still this thing about assuming and knowing and Carlos was way too afraid to gamble with their friendship. He couldn’t lose Lando. Hell, Carlos would be kind of risking his career, already did in a way, but even with everything that could go wrong, losing Lando would be the worst of all. 

Letting himself fall back into the pillow, Carlos ran a hand through his hair. When had his life gotten this complicated? It would be way easier if he didn’t want to talk to Lando so bad. Then again he could always go slow and just start by telling him that he was attracted to men as well. He didn’t have to tell him about his crush right away. Maybe.. He wondered if Lando maybe even knew already. Carlos frowned as he thought back to his conversation with Caco. He hadn’t been surprised. Not even a little. And sure, Caco knew him way longer than Lando did. But Carlos wasn’t sure if Lando didn’t know him just as well. So if Caco knew, could Lando know as well? Carlos took a deep breath to get rid of the lump that was building in his throat and then pinched the bridge of his nose. This wasn’t something he should think about the night before a race. Or maybe ever. 

Carlos took his phone from the nightstand in order to scroll through Instagram or whatever would keep his mind occupied enough to stop thinking. But when he was about to open an app, a small red dot on the folder that contained Grindr appeared. So he went to open Grindr instead, hoping it was Legolas that had messaged him. 

LEG0L4S: Hey, how are you feeling? Are you okay? 

HalaMadrid19: Yeah, I’m good, way calmer now

HalaMadrid19: Talking to you really helped. Thank you! 

LEG0L4S: All good, you don’t have to thank me. I know how much it can suck. We’ll have to stick together ;) 

HalaMadrid19: If you say so ;)  

LEG0L4S: Hey, what’s that supposed to mean? :D

HalaMadrid19: Just kidding, I’m glad you’re on my team

LEG0L4S: Wait

LEG0L4S: Was that a pun? 

LEG0L4S: Did you just make a joke?  

LEG0L4S: What the hell is happening? :D 

HalaMadrid19: What? You didn’t think I was funny, eh? 

LEG0L4S: I had my doubts :D

HalaMadrid19: I’m rolling my eyes. Just so you know. 

HalaMadrid19: I have to be up early tomorrow, so I’ll go to bed now. Good night, Legolas. And thank you again. 

LEG0L4S: Yeah, same.  

LEG0L4S: I’d tell you not to mention it but I have a feeling you’d do anyway 

LEG0L4S: Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite :)  

HalaMadrid19: :)

Smiling to himself, Carlos plugged in his phone and placed it on the nightstand. Sometimes Lando said just the same when they said good night and Carlos had always thought it was kind of cute. Just like every other night, Carlos wished he could have Lando there with him, telling each other good night as they would go to bed together. Preferably snuggled up against each other. Carlos couldn’t help but roll his eyes at himself as a laugh escaped his lips. Here he was again, or still, thinking about Lando. 

But it had gotten late and thankfully he was tired enough to fall asleep quickly without another round on the thought carousel. But like so often, Lando was the last thing on his mind before drifting off. 

LEG0L4S: Maybe we should just fall in love with each other lol

Carlos laughed out loud when he read the message. They had been talking about nothing in particular for a while but, just like so often, ended up discussing how much it sucked that they didn’t get to be with their respective crushes. After the initial amusement, Carlos took a minute to actually think about it. Legolas wasn’t serious and they still didn’t really know each other of course. But he had a point there to some extent. They did get along pretty well, being in the same situation and all that. But it wasn’t only that. Their conversation was effortless, easy. The texts vary from serious topics to good-natured banter. Maybe it would actually be easier to try and accept that he didn’t get to have Lando anyway and just move on. Right now Legolas would be the next best choice. Carlos cringed, that sounded so wrong even in his own head. Unfortunately, it was true. Everyone else would be exactly that: second choice. And Carlos knew pretty damn well that he wouldn’t get away from Lando anyway. He didn’t even really want to. But now that he thought about it it was kind of scary how much he liked Legolas without ever having met him. How much he trusted him and maybe he actually did feel a little attracted to him. Because they were on really good terms. But, more than that, Legolas actually reminded him of Lando. Their conversations and banter were so similar to the way Carlos and Lando talked to each other. Even his questionable humor reminded him of Lando. And, without even knowing how he looked, he still could effortlessly imagine Legolas slapping him with the too-long sleeves of his oversized hoodie just like Lando always did. It was actually a little scary how much of Lando Carlos saw in him. If anything, he made Carlos think of Lando even more. Lando. Who was always wearing hoodies even if it was way too warm. With his mob of curls. His toothy grin and his quick-witted banter. And yeah, well. Carlos was pretty sure that whoever would cross his path, Lando was the one he wanted. That much was kind of obvious.

Even though Legolas did get him so much. At this point, he probably understood Carlos better than anyone else, at least in that one regard. But then again, he still was a stranger. Carlos didn’t know what he did for a living, or where he lived. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he was for real. But nevertheless, it always felt good talking to him.

Another message brought him back to reality. Apparently, he had taken too long to reply, so Legolas seemed to be wanting to clarify.  

LEG0L4S: I’m just kidding

HalaMadrid19: I know. I just thought about it. I think you even have a point there. But unfortunately, I'm kinda set on someone ;) 

LEG0L4S: Ah, yeah right. That :D 

LEG0L4S: Could’ve been so easy, couldn’t it? 

LEG0L4S: But no, we two muppets have to be in love with guys beyond our reach :D

Carlos snorted. Legolas wasn’t wrong. But also he once again sounded so much like Lando. Especially when he called them muppets. Maybe this was why he felt so comfortable with Legolas. Because it was easy to imagine it was Lando he was talking to. 

HalaMadrid19: Would be too easy ;) 

LEG0L4S: Yeah well. I guess it would be easier if he wasn’t so stupidly hot all the time

HalaMadrid19: And funny probably? 

LEG0L4S: Naah

LEG0L4S: He thinks he is, but he’s really not :D 

LEG0L4S: Okay, well. maybe he is

HalaMadrid19: Ah, I get it. Mine can be pretty annoying sometimes. But like, in an endearing way 

Actually, Carlos could probably easily list a thousand things that made it hard not to be in love with Lando. And it would get pretty sappy as well. But Legolas seemed to be crushing just as hard as himself. It would be great to hear about everything he loved about his crush if it wasn’t as complicated as his own situation with Lando. Like, that it was a little sad actually. That maybe the person would never even know how much he was adored. 

LEG0L4S: God, yes. With his stupid (read: cute) Spanish nicknames all the time

HalaMadrid19: Hey, no trash-talking about anything Spanish 

HalaMadrid19: If he’s Spanish, he’s a good catch, I can assure you

LEG0L4S: Ah, yes. Right... Antonio. Should’ve known that you’d take his side :D 

HalaMadrid19: It’s his birthright 

LEG0L4S: Yeah sure :D 

LEG0L4S: So to sum it all up we're both on a dating app without actually wanting to go on a date because we're both in love with someone already. 

LEG0L4S: Is that strange? 

HalaMadrid19: Not strange. I like talking to you 

LEG0L4S: But are we gonna do something about it? Our crushes I mean 

HalaMadrid19: I thought we established already that there isn’t much we can do?

LEG0L4S: Yeah, I know but...

LEG0L4S: Like don't you wanna try? 

LEG0L4S: Sometimes I just wonder, you know. Like imagine you really love this person, not just a crush, and maybe he's like the one (I know how cheesy that sounds). And you just let him go? 

LEG0L4S: Maybe it’s worth the risk?

HalaMadrid19: Don’t get me wrong. I agree. But that's pretty deep for a Tuesday morning. Did something happen? 

LEG0L4S: Not really. Just... Whenever I spend time with him, I don't wanna pretend anymore you know? 

HalaMadrid19: Ah yes, I see. And also how can you ever get over it when you see that person that much? But you also don’t want to see them less.

LEG0L4S: Maybe we should try. 

LEG0L4S: Actually, We should make a pact or something

HalaMadrid19: Dios, where does this come from? I'm not sure I wanna make a pact with a stranger 

LEG0L4S: Hey I'm not a stranger.

LEG0L4S:  Not exactly :D

HalaMadrid19: Alright, alright. Let’s do this. Go get your hot Spaniard ;)

LEG0L4S: Muppet 

Did Carlos actually just agree to try and find out if Lando was maybe, possibly, perhaps kind of feeling the same? He shook his head, where did he go wrong that this was his life now? Of course, he could just ignore what he just said, or rather typed, since Legolas still was just some stranger on the internet. But what he had said made sense, it kind of got to Carlos. What if Lando really was his person (not that Carlos actually had any doubt about it, if he was being completely honest) and he just let him get away? Of course, that didn’t mean he wasn’t still scared shitless to destroy their friendship but he would just take it easy. Carefully try to figure out if maybe there could be something there, see if Lando maybe could have some kind of feelings towards him that exceeded friendship. How he was going to do that, he had no clue yet. 

Carlos really enjoyed the interval or races in Europe since it meant shorter travels and more time at home in between races. Even if it was just for a day, sleeping in his own bed always did wonders in terms of relaxation. Next up was Zandvoort, which was a weekend Carlos usually looked forward to. The track was demanding yet fun to race and the atmosphere was even better than Spa. On this Sunday, his race result wasn’t that bad either, placing third, completing the podium of Charles and Max. In order to celebrate the weekend that went by without any drama, a few of the drivers decided to go out. Or rather it was Charles who decided it and all but talked the rest of them into it. But it was nice, they had done that more often back then but now their days were often way too long for even a brief dinner out. So Carlos was actually looking forward to the evening. Aside from himself Lando, Pierre, Alex, and George joined them. 

In the backseat of the taxi, Carlos was thankful that Charles sat across from him and he briefly sent a text to answer something Legolas had texted him earlier. And for a moment, Carlos wondered if maybe they could cross paths. Two days ago Legolas had mentioned that he was in The Netherlands as well. It was probably rather an accident since he just said ‘at least the weather’s good for Holland’s standards’ and they usually didn’t tell each other about stuff like that. So, Carlos didn’t tell him that he was in the same country, wouldn’t really have felt comfortable with it. But he couldn’t help but wonder. The thing was, he wouldn’t even know if he met him, having no clue what he looked like. And, honestly, even The Netherlands wasn’t small enough to accidentally be in the same city let alone the same club. Naturally, his mind then drifted to Lando and even though Carlos had spent a good amount of time already trying to come up with a way to find out about potential feelings from Lando, he still came up empty. But maybe the night would provide an opportunity. That was what he told himself at least.  

Ten minutes later they stood in front of the club, waiting for Lando because of course they were. So Carlos went to check his phone for a moment. After dismissing a few Instagram notifications, he decided to briefly look if there was a message from Legolas.

LEG0L4S: I really think we can do this. I’m just gonna flirt the shit out of me

LEG0L4S: jk, I’m scared tbh

LEG0L4S: but we can do this

LEG0L4S: right? 

Carlos supposed he was talking about their ‘finding out about their crushes’ pact. It wasn’t exactly news that Legolas tended to just jabber from time to time and sometimes it took Carlos a while to know what he was going on about. But you could say he was used to it because he knew someone else that was just the same.  

HalaMadrid19: Dios, calm down ;) 

HalaMadrid19: But I’m also a little anxious. We can do this! 

LEG0L4S: Let’s hope so

LEG0L4S: Shit, gotta go. I’m too late already. 

HalaMadrid19: Don’t let your Spaniard wait ;) 

LEG0L4S: You know what? I shouldn’t have told you he’s Spanish. Now you’re always taking his side :( 

HalaMadrid19: Ah, don’t worry. Out of all the people, I don’t actually know, you’ll always be my favorite ;) 

HalaMadrid19: And now get going already

It was then that Lando came into view, hurrying around the corner, pocketing his phone with a big smile, and Carlos couldn’t help but wonder who got him smiling like that. Probably just Max with some stupid meme. Or so Carlos hoped. It wasn’t like he was jealous, he just.. okay, he was a bit jealous, he couldn’t lie even to himself. 

The first thing Carlos noticed was that Lando was wearing a button-down. Which wasn’t exactly uncommon for going out but Lando despised clubs and usually wore hoodies everywhere he went. In clubs probably just on principle. If he was miserable everyone else should see he was miserable, that was just Lando.  

But he looked far from it right then. His tight dark jeans clung to his defined thighs, a stark contrast to the burgundy shirt and white shoes, smile still in place. His curls were neatly styled for once instead of the usual mess. He looked kind of classy and maybe Carlos was biased, but he was absolutely stunning. It was certainly a rare sight that left Carlos' mouth dry and he was sure that his voice would come out a little too hoarse to be appropriate if he would say anything. Luckily, he didn’t have to, because George took care of it. 

“Oi mate, you’re gonna pick up a girl tonight?” he joked and maybe it was rather unfortunate that he was the one to talk first after all. Carlos knew he didn’t want to be mean, it was a joke. One that Lando usually would answer with a simple quip back. But Carlos could see how uncomfortable Lando felt, the blush already creeping at his cheeks, shoulders slightly hunched. He didn’t like going out and he especially didn’t like to dress up. Now that he took a step out of his comfort zone, jokes like these just hit too close to home. 

“Actually,” Carlos said, looking down at his own clothes and then at his friends, “looking at us, I think Lando is the only one that’ll even get into the club.” 

A huff escaped Charles' mouth before he started to explain why his outfit was absolutely perfect for this club, not quite getting that it was a joke. Or maybe he did and just wanted to talk about his outfit, Carlos didn’t care but Pierre joined in on the discussion while Alex and George went with them as they started walking towards the entrance. Lando hesitated but shot Carlos a grateful smile, and Carlos took it as a silent thank you. He just nodded with a smile of his own and before he could think too hard about it, said, “For what it’s worth, I think you’re looking really good.” 

Another blush threatened to take over his face but this time Lando didn’t seem to be as uncomfortable as before so Carlos took it as a win. 

Once they were inside, Lando stayed close to Carlos’ side. It was probably an unconscious decision because he was clearly intimidated by the number of people around them. Carlos knew how much he hated being crowded, the heat, the deafening music, all of it. Squeezing his shoulder, Carlos shot him a reassuring smile before letting his hand slide down to the small of his back. Guiding him through the crowd, letting him know that he was there, that he had his back. Just when Carlos was about to withdraw his hand, not wanting to overstep, Lando leaned into the touch, and Carlos couldn’t bring himself to stop touching him. So they made their way to the back of the club like that until they finally reached the less crowded VIP booth but Lando didn’t leave his side even then. Taking the seat next to Carlos he was sitting close enough that their whole bodies touched, shoulder to knee. It wasn’t unusual for them to be this close, their relationship had always been quite physical. But it still left Carlos wondering since there was enough space for all of them to probably even lie down. Yet Lando decided to basically sit in Carlos’ lap. Not that he was complaining. The opposite, really. 

It was the first of a few things that were rather strange that night. Lando seemed even more nervous than normal, fiddling with the buttons on the sleeve of his shirt, picking at imaginary lint on his pants. He even raised his hand a few times, probably in an attempt to comb them through his hair, but aborted the movement before they ever reached it. Carlos had asked him if he was okay more than once but Lando insisted everything was fine, smiling at him with what Carlos recognized as his edgy smile. And, look, Carlos was used to Lando not feeling exactly calm in an environment like that but he had rarely seen him this nervous. Especially since they weren’t in a crowd, only surrounded by their friends. He was about to once again ask him if something was wrong, if maybe he needed some fresh air when Lando honest to god asked if Carlos wanted to dance. And well... Carlos would really like to see how his face had looked at that exact moment. There was nothing wrong with the question itself aside from the fact that Lando was usually found in the corner farthest away from the dancefloor. Yet the most distressing part was how Lando had mumbled the words, face burning hot, avoiding Carlos’ gaze. Why the hell was Lando that embarrassed asking if they should go dancing? Carlos didn’t know but he was about to agree when George interrupted them. All but slamming a tablet of shot glasses onto the table in front of them, telling them to ‘drink up, ladies’. 

Lando skidded away a little, bringing some distance between them and before Carlos could ask if he was okay, he murmured something that sounded suspiciously like ‘bathroom’ and was gone. 

Only moments later, George already off to god-knows-where again, Charles slid into the seat next to Carlos, mischief glinting in his eyes. And Carlos had already noticed that when he wasn’t busy looking at Lando, he had seen Charles stare at him a few times throughout the evening. Always looking as if he wanted to say something, maybe just waiting for an opportunity to get Carlos alone. Which wasn’t an easy task since Lando had basically been glued to his side. But nevertheless, it couldn’t be good if Charles wanted to talk to him so badly. A persistent Charles wasn’t a good Charles. Especially not with that grin on his face.

“Mate,” he said, clapping Carlos on the back while leaning in close. “I can’t take it anymore.” 

“Uhm, what?” Carlos asked, confused, not knowing what his teammate was talking about. But Charles just rolled his eyes as if it was completely obvious. 

“Your heart eyes whenever Lando is so much as in the same country,” he deadpanned, and.. what ? 

Carlos felt his eyes go wide, his mouth was hanging slightly open and he probably looked exactly like the meme of him that went around the internet. Had he been that obvious? It couldn’t be. Right? He really tried not to stare at Lando too much, always tried not to give anything away. He felt the heat creeping up his torso towards his face. This was not what he had been expecting. Not at all. 

“My what?” he asked in a rather lame attempt at denial. Even though the screech in his voice must have sounded convincing. 

“Don’t even try to pretend,” Charles said, unfortunately knowing Carlos pretty well, being his teammate for two years already. And Carlos really shouldn’t be this surprised, Charles could be observant as shit if he wanted to. 

“Charles, what..?” 

“Don’t worry,” Charles reassured him, clapping his back once more. “I say this as a teammate and as your friend, you don’t have to worry. But if you don’t do anything about it, I’m gonna strangle you. As I said, I can’t take it anymore.” 

“I.. you... what?” Carlos got out after his mouth opened and closed a few times but Charles only rolled his eyes again. 

“Charles. I don’t know what you’re suggesting but I can’t just ‘do something about it’,” Carlos objected, realizing that any resistance was futile.

“You can and you should.” 

Why did Charles choose this night to be so damn cryptic and mysterious, what was he going on about? Did Lando say something? Did Charles know something? Carlos still wasn’t sure how he even knew that Carlos had feelings for Lando. Then again, he did spend a lot of time with Charles and at this point, he knew him better than a lot of people.

“Charles, I,” - “Oh my god,” Charles groaned, interrupting Carlos. “Are you really that oblivious? Lando has it bad for you. His heart eyes definitely match yours.” 

“ What? ” 

“Just trust me. And do something about it. I don’t actually want to have to strangle you.” 

“Well, thanks, I guess?” Carlos said, admitting his defeat but still unsure of what had exactly happened. 

Charles winked at him, well, if you could call it that, as he stood up. Before he actually left, he turned around again, smiling at Carlos. “I’m here for you, alright? If you want to talk or... whatever?” he offered and Carlos couldn’t help but return the smile. “Thank you, Charles.” 

And with this, he knew that Charles was another ally, someone that didn’t judge him, that wouldn’t say anything. Someone he could talk to. And he couldn’t even begin to describe how glad he was to have the Monégasque in his corner. 

When Charles sat down next to Pierre again, Carlos looked up and caught a glimpse of Lando who was standing a few meters away, having returned from the bathroom. And he looked.. Sad? Angry? Hurt? Carlos wasn’t sure. He usually could read him like an open book but right then, none of the emotions actually fit the expression on the younger’s face. 

Once he realized Carlos was watching him, he put on a smile but Carlos could tell it was fake. 

“You okay?” he asked as Lando sat down next to him, a little too far away for it to be normal. 

“I’m okay. Fine. All good.” And if anything else wouldn’t have been, this was evidence that he was all but. But he immediately leaned away from Carlos, talking to Alex so Carlos let it go. For the moment at least. 

He didn’t really get the chance to talk to Lando again since he avoided him the rest of the night and Carlos still didn’t figure out why. But if he was honest, he wasn’t trying too hard since he was still a little busy thinking about what Charles had said. That he had actually implied that Lando was feeling the same. Could he be right? Carlos knew him better than most people, how would he not have noticed? This was insane, right? And if it was true, why was Lando ignoring him? 

When they decided to leave, Carlos caught up to Lando. “Hey cabrón , wanna share a taxi? Our hotels aren’t that far, right?”

“I’m going with Alex, George, and Pierre.”

“Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine. See you, Carlos.” And with that he went towards their friends, leaving Carlos standing. And Carlos was too baffled to say anything, it probably wouldn’t have changed anything anyway. He could feel a headache coming even though he didn’t drink. But the evening was confusing enough as it was. Also, he was absolutely tired, so he decided to deal with it tomorrow. 

Finally in bed, Carlos’ mind was still kind of buzzing and he really wanted to talk to someone about his night. He thought about texting Legolas, also interested in how his night went but assumed he would be asleep anyway. And frankly, Carlos felt like he would fall asleep standing with how tired he was already. As if spending hours in a club wasn’t enough, Carlos had basically failed his mission to even come up with a way to somehow find out if Lando could feel the same. Lando, who had been acting a little strange throughout the whole night and then just ditched him, barely even saying goodbye. Not to forget about the conversation with Charles. Carlos pinched the bridge of his nose, maybe the headache of a hangover would have been more pleasant than this. 

The next morning he luckily felt way better than the night before. Sometimes, being able to sleep in did wonders. Carlos turned onto his side, allowing himself to stay in his cozy bed for a few more minutes, slowly waking up before he would have to get on with his day. He reached for his phone and was greeted with a message from Lando that read ‘I’m sorry for being a dick :( wasn’t your fault’ and was sent only minutes after Carlos must have fallen asleep. He briefly texted him back ‘Don’t worry, cabrón. You okay though? Did something happen yesterday?’ before moving on to Grindr to check his notifications there. 

Legolas had also texted him the night before, the first message with a timestamp that was exactly a minute after Lando’s text had arrived. 

LEG0L4S: Antoooonioooo

LEG0L4S: Can you do something? Like, you’re Spanish as well, can you convince him for me? 

LEG0L4S: That sounds wrong. I don’t wanna need to convince him

LEG0L4S: I just want him to loooove me 

LEG0L4S: I’m sorry. I’m not drunk by the way but my night was horrible 

LEG0L4S: It was actually fine at first until it wasn’t

LEG0L4S: He just doesn’t like me like that

LEG0L4S: Even if he would be into men he definitely wouldn’t be into me 

LEG0L4S: tbh I’m not even so sure he’s straight anymore. Like he was pretty cozy with that friend of ours?

LEG0L4S: I thought things were actually going well like I think we were actually flirting. Then I leave for a second and when I come back they’re all over each other? 

LEG0L4S: I mean, I get it, he’s pretty hot tbf

LEG0L4S: Oh and then I got jealous and snapped at him. I’m the worst friend ever :( 

LEG0L4S: I can totally see now why he doesn’t like me like that 

LEG0L4S: I’ll just go to sleep. Alone. Forever :(((( 

Carlos sighed, poor Legolas. He sounded a little devastated, actually. Even though his narration was a little funny and just a tiny bit dramatic or so Carlos assumed. But just like Lando he seemed to be a ‘talk first think later’ kind of guy. Nevertheless, Carlos felt for him. They had decided to see if their friends felt the same and Legolas had apparently tried but had been disappointed. Then again maybe it wasn’t even like that, Legolas had said the night started out well so maybe it was just a misunderstanding or something. Anyway, he definitely needed a friend and if he didn’t talk to someone already, Carlos was glad to be of help. Or try to at least. 

HalaMadrid19: Good morning, you okay? 

HalaMadrid19: Your night didn’t sound too amazing but maybe tell me exactly what happened? Like what do you mean they were all over each other? If you even wanna talk about it

Switching apps, Carlos bridged the time by scrolling through Instagram and replying to a few messages before he opened Grindr again to find an answer from Legolas waiting. 

LEG0L4S: Yeah, I’m fine. Kinda. Better than yesterday at least

LEG0L4S: I’m not sure if I kinda, maybe, perhaps overreacted a little?! 

HalaMadrid19: What makes you think that? ;) 

LEG0L4S: Consider me rolling my eyes

LEG0L4S: So as I said, I think we were flirting a little. Everything was good, I actually had a good time 

LEG0L4S: Then I was gone for a moment and when I came back, I saw a friend of ours sitting with him. And they were.. close? Like sitting really close, faces just inches apart, that kind of close 

LEG0L4S: That’s it actually. I turned around and tried to not look their way. It just made me.. jealous. Like that guy looks really good. And well, figured. If he’d be into men, he’d be into him not into me... 

LEG0L4S: Not to be depressing or anything :D 

HalaMadrid19: Ay, come one, mate. First of all, don’t belittle yourself, you’ve been so nice to a creepy stranger, I can only imagine you’re an amazing friend.

HalaMadrid19: Second I get that you got jealous, happens to the best of us :) 

HalaMadrid19: Third and most importantly you said that you were flirting earlier that night, yes? From what you’ve told me, he doesn’t exactly sound like someone that would flirt with you and then just move on to the next guy when you turn around. I mean, I don’t know if you were in a bar or in a club or something but maybe they were just close because it was too loud to talk otherwise? Or maybe it was something not everyone should hear?

HalaMadrid19: As long as they weren’t kissing or whatever maybe it actually wasn’t how it looked to you 

HalaMadrid19: But just to be clear, I’m siding with you, not the Spaniard ;) 

LEG0L4S: Thank you :D

LEG0L4S: No but really, thank you! 

LEG0L4S: Maybe you’re right, idk. It’s just.. you know it’s kinda stressing me out 

LEG0L4S: I’d really like to be with him. And he could literally have anyone

HalaMadrid19: Yeah, I feel you. But for what it’s worth, I think you’re a catch 

HalaMadrid19: Even though you’re not half as funny as you think you are ;) 

LEG0L4S: I AM funny, thank you very much! 

HalaMadrid19: Keep telling that to yourself 

HalaMadrid19: So, uhm, I talked to another friend yesterday 

LEG0L4S: Oh shit. Yeah? Sorry I didn’t ask how your night went

HalaMadrid19: All good. I didn’t intend to, actually. But he approached me when we were out and flat-out told me he can’t stand my ‘heart-eyes’ anymore. Apparently, I’m really obvious 

HalaMadrid19: Then again, he’s a close friend and immediate colleague, so.. anyway, he was supportive and everything but he told me to do something about it. According to him, my best friend is also having feelings

LEG0L4S: Oh god, really? That’s such good news! 

LEG0L4S: Why did you let me ramble on about my depressing night when you were told that? 

LEG0L4S: I’m really happy for you

HalaMadrid19: Thank you. Just... I’m not so sure about it, you know? 

LEG0L4S: Aw, come on. I don’t think he would just say something like that if he wasn’t sure

LEG0L4S: Maybe talk to him some more, maybe it will give you more certainty :)

HalaMadrid19: Maybe you’re right

LEG0L4S: Of course I am

HalaMadrid19: ..rolling my eyes

LEG0L4S: rolling my eyes at you rolling your eyes ;) 

Ah, yes. Of course, Legolas had to have the last word, nothing new actually. Carlos couldn't help but chuckle at the fact but something about their conversation was bothering him. A thought that was nagging at his brain. It probably was nothing but… something felt a little strange, a little off.

So, Legolas had been out with friends last night, just like Carlos. And Legolas was in The Netherlands, just like Carlos. And then Legolas snapped and was pissed at his friend, just like Lando had with Carlos. Those were just coincidences, right? Like it wouldn’t be possible that… Carlos didn’t even finish that though because it was ridiculous. There was no way those were not coincidences, couldn’t be. 

But anyway, hearing about Legolas getting jealous, Carlos couldn’t help but wonder if that was what had happened with Lando. It didn’t exactly make sense but he had ignored Carlos from the moment he came back from the bathroom and found Carlos chatting with Charles. Which wasn’t even out of the ordinary. They were teammates, friends. Why shouldn’t they talk? But what if, big if, Lando misunderstood the situation and thought they were.. Carlos wasn’t even sure. But why would Lando care? It would only make sense if he actually had feelings toward Carlos. It could be an explanation for his reaction, him snapping at Carlos, not talking to him the rest of the night. But maybe that was the misunderstanding. That Carlos thought there was something that wasn’t even there, maybe Lando hadn’t even been that pissy. Then again, Lando had apologized, hadn’t he? 

Before he knew it, Carlos could feel his headache coming back. Groaning, he let himself fall back onto the bed, once again wondering why his life was suddenly so complicated. It seemed a recurring thought at the moment but he made a decision to at least try and make it easier again. 

After a few minutes of just laying there, letting his thoughts wander while trying not to think too hard, he looked at his phone again. Lando had texted him back saying ‘Nah, I think I was just tired. Sorry again’ and then ‘We still on for FIFA tomorrow?’. 

Carlos knew it was a lame excuse but he let it slip since Lando didn’t seem to want to talk about it. Maybe he would another time but him hoping Carlos forgot about it was more likely. 

‘Of course, we’re still on, cabrón’ he send back, then already started typing another message. After a moment he paused, deleted half of it, typed again, paused, frowned. Without a second thought, he hit the send button: ‘Would you like to come to Italy a bit early? Stay at my place for a few days before the race?’ 

It has been just a passing thought at first but the more he thought about it the more he liked the idea. They had a week off between Zandvoort and Monza. If Lando would stay for a few days at Carlos’, they would finally be able to spend some quality time together and Carlos could try and find out if Charles really was onto something. And even if it wasn’t true, at least Carlos would have his best friend around. Sounded very much like a win-win situation.

And maybe Legolas was right and he should talk to Charles again. So he texted him as well, asking if he was free on Wednesday when they would be back in Maranello. He cringed a little, he should have asked directly if they could talk and not ask him to hang out like an idiot. But it was too late and apparently, Charles knew anyway since his answer said ‘Sure. As I said, you can talk to me :)’ just moments later. Even though the journey had been a bit questionable, he was very glad that Charles knew, he was a good guy and a good listener. 

The flight back home on Monday afternoon was thankfully short and Carlos couldn’t help but simply collapse onto the couch as soon as he was home. It was one week off only but it was definitely needed and he really looked forward to being able to relax a little. His Tuesday was rather lazy except for unpacking, cleaning up, and organizing a few things. Wednesday started with a morning workout and lunch with Rupert before Carlos made his way over to Charles’ place. 

Sitting in the shade of the sun blind, shielded from the hot Italian sun, sipping coffee, they talked about the last few races, the team, the strategy (or lack of it, from time to time), and Carlos was eternally grateful that Charles didn’t push the topic both of them knew Carlos actually wanted to talk about. Often Charles could be smug and presumptuous and annoying sometimes but he was one of the kindest people Carlos knew. And he could be actually sensitive if he wanted to and Carlos couldn’t appreciate it more that he apparently decided to not be a wiseass that day. 

“So.. uhm,” Carlos started, not knowing how to phrase what he wanted to say. 

Being friends aside, Carlos still wasn’t exactly comfortable talking about being in love with another man with his teammate while they worked in an environment that didn’t exactly support stuff like that.

Instead of saying something, Charles only looked at him, expectant, waiting for him to continue. When Carlos didn’t, Charles shook his head slightly, rolling his eyes. “Oh come on, just say it, mate,” he exclaimed but there was no heat behind his words. His expression more fond than honestly annoyed. 

Carlos grimaced, feeling the warmth of a slight blush creeping up on his cheeks.

“I just.. wondered how you knew. About Lando.” 

“You mean that you are absolutely and undyingly in love with him?” Charles quipped and it was Carlos’ turn to roll his eyes, playfully boxing his friend in the arm. 

“I’ve suspected for quite some time” - “You what now?” Carlos interrupted but Charles just went on, unfazed, “I know you’re best friends but the way you two are drawn to each other, how you look at each other had always left me wondering. But it’s actually how you talk about him, you’re just so annoyingly fond of him. It’s a little disgusting, to be honest.” Charles smiled at him. “And don’t even get me started on him. If I had to choose, his heart eyes are probably even worst. And yet he still hasn’t picked up on how cabrón is your nickname specifically for him. And don’t even try to pretend it has anything to do with you just calling him an idiot.”  

To say that left Carlos baffled was the understatement of the year, he couldn’t do much more than open and close his mouth, not able to even think of something to say to that. So either Charles was really, really observant or Carlos was obvious as hell. First Caco, now him. The way Charles talked about it, the whole paddock had to know already. Oh god, did the whole paddock know? That was impossible, right?

Charles reached out and squeezed his shoulder, probably trying to reassure him as he must have seen the panic on his face. And the touch actually calmed him down a little. 

“I don’t think it’s that obvious to most people. I’ve known Lando for years and we spend a lot of time together.” 

“And you’re nosy,” Carlos supplied, which just made Charles shrug, a smug grin playing on his lips... 

He was probably right, Caco had said something similar, it was likely that you had to know what you were looking for. 

“Does anyone else know?” 

“I.. hadn’t really figured it out yet. Until recently. But I’ve told Caco a few weeks ago. He was about as surprised as you were.” 

“Yeah well, he’s probably the one that knows you best, no?” 

“Him and Lando, yeah.” 

“Who doesn’t know about it, I assume?” 

“Of course, he doesn’t. I can’t just march up to him and tell him that I have feelings for him.” 

“First of all, you could and I still think you should. But I thought maybe you’ve told him that you’re attracted to men at least. Which would probably save you a lot of pining, by the way.” 

“What makes you so sure that he feels the same?” Carlos asked quietly.

“Mate, did you listen to anything I said earlier?” 

Carlos groaned. Why did it sound so easy when Charles talked about it? He still didn’t feel like he could just walk up to Lando, telling him that he was basically in love with him. Initially, he had wanted to use the following days to unwind, relax but maybe it would be helpful to try and think about this some more. There already were a few situations on his mind that could actually be viewed differently if he put on the ‘Lando could have feelings for him’ glasses. And maybe he had the right idea when he invited Lando, so when he would stay with him, Carlos would simply try and watch out for signs that Charles might actually be right. 

Only when the sun was starting to set, Carlos decided to leave. They had chatted some more and Charles even invited him to stay for dinner but Carlos felt like the Monégasque had done enough for him already. And, frankly, he was exhausted from the emotional whiplash their conversation had been to him. 

When Carlos left, he thanked Charles before pulling him in for a tight hug. He wasn’t able to tell him exactly how grateful he was that Charles had become such a good friend even though they hadn't been teammates for that long, but he had a feeling that Charles knew anyway. 

Before he knew it, it was Friday, and with it Lando's arrival in Italy. Even though it was only one and a half days, they seemed to go on forever and Carlos felt himself getting more nervous with every passing hour. He tried to tell himself that it wasn’t different from any other occasion, it was just Lando staying at his place like he had done before. But Carlos didn’t quite believe it. This felt way more real, more important. At this point, Carlos had spent hours, probably days, thinking about Lando. Replaying conversations they had had but also the ones with Charles and Legolas in his mind. Trying to find more evidence that Charles had actually been right, that Lando could have feelings for him. Debating if he really should make a move. Dreading the possibility that this was all a big misunderstanding, that Lando was his best friend and nothing more (which was fine as long as the misunderstanding wouldn’t torment their friendship as well). Contemplating how to approach a potential talk about it, how their relationship could work even. Carlos felt like he had thought through every possible scenario and yet he wasn’t in any way prepared for whatever could happen. 

Fortunately though, once Carlos picked up Lando from the airport, his nerves were gone. As soon as they greeted each other, Carlos pulled the younger into a bear hug, and as they made their way back home, it was the same effortless conversation and banter that always flowed easily between them. 

When they arrived at Carlos’ flat, they had lunch before Lando went to unpack his belongings. Or rather throw his bags into the guest room without actually taking anything out of them, Carlos mused going by previous experiences. But Carlos wasn’t going to comment on it. Especially since he talked Lando into hitting the gym in the afternoon. Which wasn’t exactly high on his list of priorities and even though it was only a short flight a bit of stretching definitely wasn’t going to do any harm and Carlos knew it would help Lando relax. And himself as well, hopefully. Because despite everything being normal between the two of them, the tension Carlos had felt earlier never completely left his body. Maybe he could just sweat it out, he thought. And in theory, this surely was a good concept. The reality looked a lot different though. At least 80 percent of his workout consisted of trying not to stare at Lando. At the way, his shirt stretched along his back or his shorts around his ass. At the way, his slightly sweaty curls were hanging on his face or his expressions while he lifted weights or relaxed between sets. And maybe, maybe it didn’t sound too hard. Maybe it shouldn’t be. But it was. It took all his willpower to concentrate on his own workout and not have all kinds of inappropriate thoughts.

And yes, he had been confident to just be a little more obvious and to see if he could coax Lando out of his shell but that was before Lando arrived. And this... This was a bit too much. There was no way he could just flirt with him in that kind of situation. It had to wait until they would be in more shallow waters. 

Once they were back home, they ate their prepared and trainer-approved dinners before making themselves comfortable on the couch, controller in hand, FIFA already loading up. 

And it was only then that Carlos was finally back to normal, it was the first time he felt himself relax that day. Just spending the evening with Lando, playing FIFA, this was something he knew. Safe territory, in a way. 

Lando on the other hand had been himself the whole day, at least Carlos didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. Now, he seemed rather nervous though. Fidgeting more than usual, averting his eyes when he met Carlos’ gaze. 

“Ay cabrón, I really missed winning against you,” Carlos joked, trying to lighten up the mood, ruffling Lando’s hair. And it did make the other laugh. 

“We didn’t even start playing, you muppet.” 

“But I know I’ll beat you anyway,” Carlos answered and winked at him, making him blush slightly. And this time it was Carlos who had to look away briefly because honestly, it was endearing whenever Lando turned red like that. Especially when Carlos was the cause of it. They kept playing for a while, occasionally mocking each other whenever there was a badly executed move or failed attempt. At one point, Lando actually seemed to think that sitting upright, leaning forward in order to concentrate would help his game. It didn’t. Much to his frustration. Groaning, he let himself fall back into the cushions when Carlos scored another goal, and Carlos couldn’t help but chuckle at how dramatic he was acting. Lando attempted to kick him but Carlos just caught his foot with another chuckle. Instead of letting him go, though, Carlos simply put it on his lap and Lando seemed to take it as an invitation, shifting so he was laying down, his left foot joining the right one in Carlos’ lap. It wasn’t the first time they did this, no strangers to proximity but when Lando looked up at Carlos his expression was almost sheepish. Insecure, maybe. Knowing him, he was probably overthinking what was happening, wondering if it was okay if he stayed like this. So Carlos just smiled at him, reassuring him that everything was fine. That he had no reason to be insecure around Carlos, ever. 

After yet another loss only a few minutes later (even though Lando did manage to score two admittedly nice goals), Lando tossed the controller aside with another groan that promptly turned into a yawn. It made Carlos chuckle but he hadn’t been better just moments ago.

“I’m done playing,” Lando complained half-heartedly.

“Ah, don’t worry, cabrón, you just need a bit more training.” 

“Next time we’re playing Call of Duty and you’ll lose spectacularly.” 

“If you say so,” Carlos acknowledged lazily and realized that his hand was resting on Lando’s shin. Apparently, he had absentmindedly put it there when he let go of his controller. Or maybe it was not so absentmindedly. Who knew. But Lando didn’t complain.

As Carlos looked up he found Lando’s eyes lingering on him before he quickly averted his gaze, letting it wander instead. 

“Did I tell you I really like your apartment?” In lieu of an answer, Carlos simply smiled at him. 

“I liked the one in Woking. For obvious reasons,” Lando grinned. “but this one is nice too. Brighter. Even though it could be because it’s in Italy and not in Britain..” Lando trailed off, apparently realizing that he had been rambling. It made Carlos chuckle way too fondly, his eyes closed, small smile playing on his lips. But Lando just concluded, “it’s nice. Homey.” 

“It’s homier with you here,” Carlos said and then froze. Opening his eyes, he took a look at Lando, trying to gauge his reaction. He maybe shouldn't have said that. It was the truth but maybe a little too true to say out loud. Maybe he should have thought before opening his mouth. It by far wasn’t the most daring thing he had said to Lando but right then it felt.. Heavy. Raw. Then again he had told himself to be bold and a little more obvious and now it was said anyway. 

Lando just looked at him, curious, probably pondering what Carlos meant. Then, slowly, the corners of his lips curled up into a small, genuine smile. Along with a slight blush that crept up his cheeks. This time Carlos couldn’t avert his eyes, though, simply returning the soft smile. Carlos wasn’t sure for how long they just stayed like that. It could have been seconds or hours. Just gazing into each other's eyes, none of them saying anything until Lando suddenly cleared his throat and looked down at his legs. Pulling his feet off of Carlos’ lap, he declared that they probably should go to sleep. And even though Carlos was still stuck on the moment they just had, he agreed. It had been a long day, for Lando even longer, and sleep sounded like a really good plan right then. The smile stayed on his lips regardless. 

The weekend was declared mostly as off-days, so they spent most of their day on the golf course on Saturday. Things were going well, especially for Carlos of course. But Lando had really gotten better over the course of the last few months, so it was a little more balanced than it had been at the start of their shared matches. 

“You’re really good today. Probably just luck, eh?” Carlos said and phrased it as a joke even though he did mean it, Lando did improve and he had to know it. It earned him a nudge into the side from Lando who was rolling his eyes. “A little more training and I’ll finally beat you, just wait and see.” 

“You know you won’t. You’re not that good,” Carlos teased, taking a precautionary step to the side, so Lando wouldn't be able to punch him again. 

“Oh, by the way, greetings from Charles,” Carlos then added nonchalantly, deliberately watching out for Lando’s reaction. He didn’t say anything, just looked at Carlos like he waited for him to go on. Probably wondering why he had brought up Charles. And well, maybe it was a little selfish. But Carlos had spent a while going over what happened that evening in the club, how Lando had reacted, and what Legolas had told him about being jealous when he saw his crush with their friend. Lando didn’t exactly strike him as the overly jealous type but it all matched up somehow. Also, he tended to be a little dramatic. So Carlos just wanted to see if it checked out, wanted to find out if Lando could have actually been jealous of Charles. And maybe it was a little mean but he felt like mentioning the Monégasque would be the most effective way to test his theory.

When Lando still didn’t answer, Carlos went on, “we’ve met up on Wednesday for coffee.” That made Lando frown, his head tilted to the side. “And he said he’d think about coming with us. Golfing, I mean. But in the end, he decided against it because he’s still not ready to play me. He wants to wait until he’s good enough to beat me,” Carlos ended, rolling his eyes but not without smiling. It was for the effect mostly, but Charles had said something like that before and it was a little ridiculous that he wouldn’t play Carlos until he thought he was good enough. But that was Charles and if Carlos was honest, he wasn’t the one that indulged his attention at that moment. Instead of thinking about Charles, Carlos was closely monitoring Lando’s reactions. And he could have sworn he saw the relief on his face when he realized that Charles wasn’t going to join them any moment. He chuckled slightly but it was forced, the one he’d use in interviews when he would actually be annoyed. Carlos knew him way too well to not see it. 

And well, that was interesting. Just like the question Lando asked after a few moments. “So, uhm, do you and Charles meet up a lot? Like outside of work?” 

He had tried to make it sound nonchalant but the slight tremble in his voice betrayed him just like the slight blush creeping at his cheeks. And at this point, it was pretty obvious that Lando didn’t exactly like the thought of Charles and him spending time together.

That was one of the insights Carlos gathered from his little experiment. The other was that he found it endlessly endearing that Lando apparently really was jealous. If only he knew that he had absolutely nothing to be jealous of. It made Carlos want to kiss him so bad. Also, it made him feel bad for tricking him like that. 

“Naah, not really,” Carlos said before stepping close to Lando, swiftly putting him in a headlock, “he’s a good friend. But you’re still the best teammate and on-grid-friend I’ve ever had,” he chuckled, ruffling Lando’s hair. 

“Oi!” The other exclaimed until Carlos let go of him. Then he softly added, “I’m glad to hear.” His voice just above a whisper while his cheeks turned rosy once again. And if Carlos had to take a step aside in order not to just lean in and kiss him, that was nobody's business.  

As always, the hours spent on the golf course flew by and Carlos simply enjoyed spending time with Lando. Even though it wasn’t easy keeping his head in the game this time. More often than not, he found himself watching Lando, wanting to be close to him, finding excuses to touch him. Well, he did have the intention to be a bit more flirty, to make a move. Especially now that he had almost confirmation that Lando had actually been jealous. But it turned out to be harder than he had thought since they had always been quite teasing and physical. Only that usually Carlos didn’t think twice about touching Lando and now he felt like he needed to come up with excuses so it wouldn’t be too obvious what he was doing. And yes, he did realize that that was actually the whole point but it was hard to get out of your head, alright? 

Luckily, most of the situations presented themselves without Carlos even having to do anything about them. Just like the moment when Lando completely fucked up his pitch. Admittedly, it was more because of Carlos who had made him laugh just moments before than his bad golfing but Carlos took what he could get. 

“Ay, Landito, what was that?” Carlos asked, barely keeping a straight face. Lando was still laughing, leaning on his golf club for support but still shoved at Carlos when he approached him. 

“You muppet. That was your fault,” Lando giggled, his voice high-pitched with laughter.  

“Always with the excuses. Maybe someone needs to show you the swing again. Here, young padawan,” Carlos said as he stepped behind Lando, mimicking his position but putting his hands on Lando’s as if he was teaching him how to use the club. Lando in front of him was almost crying with laughter already and Carlos couldn’t hold his own laughter back anymore. So they just ended up standing there, back to chest, laughing like idiots. But none of them made a move to put more space between them and after he finally started to calm down, Carlos wasn’t exactly sure if that was a good or a bad thing. 

When they decided to watch a movie instead of playing some game, Carlos couldn’t help but think of Spider-Man. Lando had tried to bully him into watching it more than once because he loved it so much and even Legolas had talked about it. When a few weeks ago, Carlos had asked about the quote in his profile, he had told him it was from the same Spider-Man movie (Carlos had then learned that there was more than one). Carlos had admitted that he hadn’t watched it and Legolas just said ‘What now? You’re telling me you haven’t seen Spider-Man? First Lord of the Rings, now Spider-Man. What the hell is wrong with you?’ and well, maybe now was the right time to close that apparent gap in his education. 

And even if the movie would have been absolute shit, the excitement Lando radiated when Carlos suggested watching it, would have been worth it anyway. 

“This one is sooo good, I’m sure you’ll like it. It’s one of my favorites. We’ll probably have to watch the others as well because they’re also really good and you’ll want to see them,” Lando babbled and Carlos couldn’t help but smile at him. Probably way more fondly than appropriate but Lando didn’t seem to notice or care. As soon as the movie started and the opening credits were done, Lando started quoting the voice over and somehow it had a distantly familiar ring to Carlos. But he couldn’t put his finger on it, maybe he had heard it somewhere before. When the movie progressed, Lando repeatedly pointed out scenes he liked or told Carlos whatever background knowledge he had. 

“This is so funny. Imagine you’d wake up and everything would stick to your hands,” Lando giggled at one point. And Carlos’ chuckle had more to do with the choice of words than the actual scene but well, Lando didn’t have to know. Funnily, Legolas had said something similar when he was on a Spider-Man rant that day they talked about it, completely ignoring that Carlos didn’t even know the movie. Which was a little strange, come to think of it. It was a similar feeling to that day in Zandvoort when Legolas had been in the same country, experiencing an evening that had been so alike Carlos’. Actually, there had been a few things already that made Carlos think. Every now and then, he just had a ‘what if’ thought, wondering if it could be possible that Lando and Legolas could be one and the same person. Just because there had been a few situations that could have been somewhat resembling by chance. Of course, he had always come to the conclusion that it couldn’t be possible, but moments like these still made him think. Making him feel kind of unsettled.  

His thoughts were interrupted by Lando who was shaking at his shoulder. “This is the best scene of the whole movie. Well, if you don’t count all the other amazing scenes. Amazing, see what I did there? Because he’s the amazing Spider-Man? Okay, shh, here it goes.”

Carlos couldn’t care less for the ‘best scene’ if he was being honest. But the way Lando’s eyes were glued to the TV, his excited jitter.. if Carlos wouldn’t be completely gone on him already, he wouldn’t stand a chance now. Right from the start, Carlos had a soft spot for his younger teammate. He could be annoying, sure, but he was beaming whenever he talked about things he loved. Had this childlike excitement that adults unfortunately lost along the way most of the time. There had been a lot of people saying he was too young, too childish, making him feel bad for liking to play games and his streams. But if you asked Carlos those were the best things about him. His devotion to the people he loved, his enthusiasm for the things he enjoyed. Just like then, Carlos almost didn’t dare to even think it but it wasn’t only endearing, it was adorable.

“So? What do you think? It’s great, right?” Lando asked before the movie even ended. 

“It was ah.. good, yeah,” Carlos said and well, it wasn’t bad but he had literally spent the last two hours mostly staring at his best friend, thinking how cute he was.  

“See, I told you you’d like it. We should’ve watched it earlier. The others are good as well, we can watch them too sometimes.” 

Honestly, this was a 20-year-old movie, and come to think of it Carlos was actually surprised that Lando even knew it. He probably watched them back from the newer Marvel movies or something. Carlos didn’t really care about the movie nor did he really pay that much attention to it. It was okay, not exactly a masterpiece but he didn’t mind. The way Lando was excited to watch it, commenting on everything and being so happy that Carlos watched it with him, made his time more than worth his while anyway. 

They spent Monday morning training since they had taken most of the weekend off and ended the day by just relaxing on the couch. A few matches of FIFA got rather boring after a while but they didn’t feel like putting on a movie, so it was just some documentary providing background noise to their chatter. 

When Lando went to take a quick shower, Carlos checked his phone for the first time since lunch. He scrolled through Instagram for a moment before he decided to see if Legolas had texted him. He felt a little bad for ignoring him the past few days but with Lando around, he almost forgot about him apart from the occasional thought when Lando said something that reminded Carlos of him. And honestly, he rather wanted to enjoy his time with Lando than talk to someone he didn’t even actually know. Legolas would probably understand but Carlos still wanted to let him know as much at least.

He indeed found a message from Legolas but it was a few days old already. 

LEG0L4S: So, I’m gonna stay at my friend’s for a few days and I’m kinda.. nervous? 

LEG0L4S: Like, I know it’s gonna be fine. I’m not nervous because of him. It’s just.. idk it feels different somehow? I think I wanna try and see if he feels the same but I’m kinda freaking out at the thought alone.

LEG0L4S: But I said it myself, right? We finally need to make a move

LEG0L4S: I’m betting you’re doing so much better with your crush, I’m a mess :D

Ugh, he was a bad friend, not knowing each other or not. He should have supported him there. 

HalaMadrid19: Sorry for the late reply, my friend is staying over. But anyway, how did it go? 

As soon as Carlos sent the text, Lando’s phone vibrated on the coffee table and Carlos almost jumped off the couch in shock. He hadn’t even noticed that Lando left it there but that wasn’t the surprising thing. The surprising thing was that Lando got a notification the second Carlos hit the ‘send’ button. But it was a coincidence, right? That was the only explanation. Just like the fact that Lando was staying at his place and Legolas told Carlos that he would be staying with his crush. Coincidence.

HalaMadrid19: Did you pull your hot Spaniard already? 

He didn’t actually intend to send another message but he couldn’t help it. He needed to see for himself that it really had been a fluke. But Lando’s phone rang again and Carlos’ mind went blank. 

There had been quite a few occasions already where he had had a feeling that there were suspiciously many similarities between Legolas and Lando but what were the chances? This still could be a coincidence. Maybe someone just texted him right at that moment. It was possible, right? Had to be. Carlos didn’t have a clue what to do or think, he was by no means prepared for a situation like this.

He thought about sending another text when Lando returned from the bathroom, hair still damp, smelling clean and like Carlos’ shower gel and Carlos had to avert his eyes. The gears in his head were still turning way too fast for his liking. This was confusing enough, he didn’t need to have fantasies about Lando showering to add fuel to the fire. 

“Your.. uhm, your phone vibrated, I think someone texted you,” Carlos said after clearing his throat. His voice way too unstable for a simple statement like that. And Lando did frown for a moment. “Oh, okay?” 

Lando picked up his phone and his face went blank as he shut off the display as soon as he could, almost sending the phone tumbling.  

“Who was it?” Carlos asked and it sounded strange to his own ears. His voice as well as the question, this wasn’t something he’d normally ask Lando. It wasn’t exactly his business. And Lando seemed to think so as well if his clenched jaw was any indication. 

“Uhm.. just.. just Max,” Lando muttered, a slight blush creeping up his cheeks, gaze sternly fixed on the ground.  

It made Carlos’ heart skip a beat. It wasn’t exactly a confirmation of his suspicion but it had definitely not been Max who had texted Lando, that much he knew. And what reason would Lando have to lie to him? Other than not wanting to talk about who was texting him. Carlos couldn’t think of anything else Lando would want to keep a secret from him like that. Especially not after the messages were incoming just when Carlos sent his. 

And actually.. now that he thought about it, he remembered yesterday. When they were watching the movie. That voiceover. It was the quote in Legolas’ biography and the things Lando had said hadn’t been similar to what Legolas had said, they were exactly what he had said. Including his favorite scene and... Dios! Carlos had been right, he had actually been right all the time. Or had he? He still didn’t want to believe it, even though his brain told him to finally accept it. This was just a little too much to digest. But he had to know.

“Hey uhm Lando,” Carlos said, his voice still not as steady as he would've wanted it to be. So he cleared his throat before he continued, ”we should get ice cream tomorrow, there’s a really good shop down the road. By the way, what do you think of pistachio ice cream?” 

This was stupid. Carlos felt stupid. But it was the only thing he could come up with on the fly. 

Lando frowned, probably wondering where this was coming from but it didn’t take long until his mouth twisted into obvious disgust. 

“Pistachio? It’s the.Worst.Flavor.Ever,” he punctuated every word with even more dismay. “Who the hell thought putting nuts into ice cream was a good idea? Especially green ones, ew. Hard nope. People who like pistachio ice cream are psychopaths. Psychopaths with no taste, that is. Pistachio ice cream.. that’s just nuts .”

Psychopaths with no taste. Green nuts. Carlos was well and truly fucked. As much as he tried to deny everything, he couldn’t anymore. There was no way Lando just said all those things Legolas told him by chance .  

“You know what, I’m pretty tired. I think I’m gonna go to bed. Night, Lando,” Carlos stuttered as he all but jumped off the couch. 

“Carlos, it’s 9 p.m,” Lando laughed but not without drawing his eyebrows together in wonder. 

“Yeah well, I’m not used to having you around so much anymore. You’re tiring,” Carlos chuckled, even though it was a fake one and Lando had to know. But he didn’t comment on it and Carlos was eternally grateful for it. He just wanted to lock himself in his room and think about what just happened.

“You really are an old man,” Lando said, gently smiling at him, “sleep tight!” 

After that, Carlos basically ran off to his bedroom. What the hell, what the hell, what the hell? The plan for the weekend had been to see if Lando was feeling the same and then confront him. At this point, he was pretty sure that Lando reciprocated the feelings. But this? This was nowhere near planned. Like, he had had his suspicions, there had been too many things already for it to be a coincidence. But denial was a strong thing. This though? This was pretty much evidence, wasn’t it? So.. not only was he in love with his best friend to whom he was going to confess. But said best friend was also his Grindr acquaintance whom he talked to about loving his best friend. Hence he had talked to Lando about being in love with Lando. Which meant that he was not only in love with Lando but also with Legolas. Because they were the same person. Carlos couldn’t believe this was actually happening. How the hell could this even happen? This whole thing was going to give him the worst headache of his life. He ran his hands through his hair, gripping it in frustration before letting go again. Letting out a groan, he shook his head, what were the chances? On the bright side, this might actually make the confession easier. Or worse. Carlos wasn’t exactly sure yet. He wasn’t sure about anything. Other than that he had to talk to Lando tomorrow. 

Going to bed had been a pretense to get away from Lando but Carlos felt like it would be the best thing to just sleep it off and hopefully think about it all more clearly tomorrow. And it did make him tired. But of course, his mind had other plans. As he was laying in bed, trying to relax, waiting for sleep to come, he couldn’t help but make a mental list of the things that gave Lando (or Legolas, or both) away: 

They sounded pretty much the same when they texted, as well as using the same lingo like ‘muppet’ and ‘mate’. Hell, even his name on Grindr. LEG0L4S with the 4, like teamL4NDO (that one made Carlos actually want to facepalm). They had been in The Netherlands at the same time. Legolas said he as well had a profession that didn’t allow him to just come out. The situation Legolas had described with his friends in the club was precisely at the same time as Carlos being out clubbing and Lando was behaving strangely after he had seen Carlos talk to Charles. The incoming notification when Carlos had texted Legolas...

And probably most importantly: They said exactly the same things. They had the same favorite scenes in their favorite movie, quoted them even, and had the same opinion on pistachio ice cream which they even worded exactly the same. 

There was no way those were coincidences anymore and Carlos really had to talk to Lando. Tomorrow. Now he only wanted to sleep. 

When Carlos woke up on Tuesday morning he wasn’t immediately aware of the chaos that had unfolded the night prior. For a few moments, the only difference from any other morning was that he spent a few more minutes in the comfort of his bed instead of getting up right away. But then he thought about Lando, wondering if he was awake already and everything came back to him. Lando. Lando, who was in his apartment. Lando, whom he was in love with. Lando, who also was Legolas as Carlos had discovered. Carlos groaned. He knew he had to talk to Lando, had wanted to anyway, but he felt like the conversation wouldn’t get any easier with the whole mess they were in. But then again... When Legolas had been Lando all along, talking about being in love with his best friend, a Spaniard, being jealous of Charles when they were in the club… That actually was the confirmation Carlos had been searching for all along. Lando was in love with him. Enough to whine to a stranger about it, even suggesting to do something about it. It made something in Carlos’ chest swell with affection. Legolas, Lando, had been so sad after the night out in Zandvoort, devastated at the feeling that Carlos wouldn’t want him. How could he not want him? It was a mess they had maneuvered themselves into but maybe it actually made it easier instead of more complicated. Maybe it was the push Carlos needed, the certainty he had searched for. At least it made Carlos way more hopeful, way more relaxed, putting him in a better mood than he was in just moments before. 

Getting up, making his way to the bathroom, he almost looked forward to the day. As long as he pretended everything would go fine and how he imagined it to go, everything was good. 

Lando was nowhere to be seen, which wasn’t unusual since it was rather early and therefore not exactly Lando’s favorite time. Carlos enjoyed his coffee before he changed into his running clothes to go for a jog. On any other day he would have waited for the other to talk him into joining him but that day Carlos just let him be. Having some alone time, going over everything that happened the last 24 hours but also the last weeks, sorting his thoughts was just what he needed. He definitely was going to talk to Lando once he was back home. But he needed a bit of figuring out how he was going to do it.      

He wasn’t actually any wiser when he came back home but still felt a little lighter, a little more certain. Passing Lando who was half sitting, half laying on the couch with a bowl of cereal, he yelled, “oi, careful not to spill anything.” It was more for the fun of it but it made Lando jump and actually almost spill his milk. Carlos couldn’t help but laugh when Lando glared at him. What could he say? He was in a good mood. Even though that changed sooner rather than later when he was showered and on the couch beside Lando. 

It wasn’t that his mood wasn’t still good, it was rather the nerves of actually talking to Lando, confronting him, not knowing how much Lando already knew or assumed about all of this. 

They didn’t talk much, both of them seemed to dwell on their thoughts, Carlos fidgeting with his phone without actually using it. He went over the plan he had made in the morning over and over, unsure if this would be the right way to approach it. Maybe he should rather actually talk to Lando? But he wasn’t always the best with words and Lando would probably be just as overwhelmed. Carlos unlocked his phone, opened Grindr and his conversation with Legolas, and then shot him a text. 

As he expected, Lando’s phone chimed with a notification but Lando ignored it. 

“Don’t you wanna look who it was?” Carlos asked hesitantly. 

“Naah, probably not important anyway,” Lando mumbled, not looking at Carlos and it felt like he already knew something was up. 

“Then I’ll do it,” was all Carlos said before he launched himself forward to grab the phone off the table. 

“No, don’t!” He sounded panicked and his eyes went wide as he reached for the phone as well, snatching it out of Carlos’ hands. Carlos tried to get it back, the two of them wrestling on the couch for a moment while Lando, again and again, told Carlos to back off. He laughed, but it was fake Carlos could tell and his voice was a little too high-pitched not to be frantic. Apparently, Lando didn’t assume anything and Carlos let go of him, not wanting to torture the other any more than actually needed. Carlos couldn't imagine how he would have felt if someone was about to discover his secret without his consent. So he changed his plan slightly. He grabbed his own phone, opening the conversation again before showing it to Lando. 

HalaMadrid19: I’m like 99% sure your hot Spaniard is in love with you as well <3 

Lando’s gaze went from Carlos to his phone and back. Over and over. His eyes were still wide but rather with shock than panic this time. As if he couldn’t understand what he was seeing, couldn’t believe it. But then his eyes settled on Carlos’. 

“Carlos..,” he said. His voice barely above a whisper. Carlos wasn’t sure if he was about to deny everything, apologize, ask what it meant, or something different entirely. And Carlos wasn’t used to not being able to read Lando, so he just waited even though the seconds seemed to last for hours. 

“Carlos,” he repeated, “I don.. wha.. how ?”

“It doesn’t matter, cariño ,” Carlos breathed ever so soft as he reached out and put his hand on Lando’s, “we’ve spent weeks talking to each other about each other without knowing. But the important thing is, that it’s real.” He made a brief pause, taking a deep breath, “I don’t just want you like a best friend, Lando. I want to be with you.” 

He didn’t think it was possible but Lando’s now watery eyes went even wider as he whispered “I want that, too.” And that was all Carlos would ever need. To hear those words from Lando’s mouth, to have him look at Carlos like that, blue eyes filled with love. His hand wandered from Lando’s hands to his cheek, cupping his face. And then Carlos crossed the distance and finally, finally felt Lando’s lips on his own. Soft, hesitant but oh so sweet. Driving for Ferrari, winning races, none of it mattered at that moment. Kissing Lando was everything Carlos had ever wanted and he would never get enough of it, that much he knew.