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English
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Fic In A Box 2022
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Published:
2022-11-19
Completed:
2022-11-19
Words:
1,000
Chapters:
5/5
Comments:
15
Kudos:
11
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1
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101

A variety of notices posted in the Library of Madness

Summary:

"This is not called the Library of Competent Advice."

Notes:

Chapter 1: Day Twelve

Chapter Text

Taking your required time off is required! The Lord of Shadows requires librarians, not additional records of the dangers of these books. We also already have enough first year replications of Rings or Necklaces: the complete guide to evil jewelry bound in deathwood or elf-skin. I would also note that anything from the corruption tier is available for projects, and choosing a lengthier book will result in more credit. There is even a bonus offered for a thorough study of On the Nature of Screambeasts, though I would recommend researching their current habitat beforehand.

All research projects need to be cleared through the senior librarian. Until some of you are able to properly experience the dark abyss and come through coherent, that group consists entirely of me. Because of this, be clear as to exactly how much assistance your project will require. I can request aid from the rest of the Bloodkeep, up to and including Queen-Regent Lilith, but only if I am properly informed.

The creation of magical items section is restricted, yes, but so is half the library. The Lord of Shadows has requested new additions to that area, and we are looking for talented scribes to assist.

Chapter 2: Day Twenty-One

Chapter Text

Please note that volumes one through seventeen of The Architecture of the Bloodkeep are now outdated, and that the (formerly) secret passage has now been replaced with a wall of spikes. Volume eighteen is still forthcoming, so do heed the disclaimers currently posted before attempting any plots, plans, or contrivances based around such details of the Bloodkeep itself.

I do not need to know the purpose behind a patron’s inquiries, and often would prefer not to know. Do not restrain yourself from making a request based on presumed judgment. It is the quality of your plots that will determine their reception, and that is to be determined by the standing leadership of the Forces of Evil.

As a reminder, removing books from the library without checking them out causes bleeding. For those members of the Forces of Evil without blood, suppurating wounds, strange hauntings, and a general sense of tinnitus may also occur. This is atop any other dangerous capabilities the books possess, of which there are many.

Despite the insistence of certain parties, A Spawnling’s Guide to Torture does not belong among the pillow books. We’ve had to re-shelve it multiple times. Fines may be collected in the future.

Chapter 3: Day Twenty-Seven

Chapter Text

I would like to remind all of you to stop removing your earplugs. Especially when you’re near the fifty-six volumes of Whispers of Despair. I do not wish to add a fifty-seventh volume. 

I am also currently taking recommendations for artists to prepare a series on nightmares for Sokhbarr, our Bog Lord. At least two copies will be needed, so as to provide him with a going away gift along with a volume for our own library. Anyone with experience in preservation techniques for damp environments would be helpful. Mold remains a major concern in bogs.

On a related noted, please do not bring checked-out tomes to the beast pens. The creatures there are not discerning and will happily devour leather covers, pages of fine elven skin, or lick out portions of hoof glue from the bindings. I’ve already had to replace two books this month, and will restrict access should there be any more incidents.

There will be a team-building event next week in the ambiance section. Please contact me if you can provide candles of human fat, or endless flames. Do not add such on your own. Barring the drowned books, most of the library is currently flammable.

Chapter 4: Day Forty-Three

Chapter Text

Gloves are required. Black or blood red is recommended, but a dark brown will do if necessary. The books are hungry and paper cuts have been the death of many an apprentice librarian. Despite its abundance, do not use elf or human leather for mundane bindings. There are enough spirits here already.

Blood is not an appropriate ink material, it doesn’t keep as well as we’d like. Please stop sending permanent copies utilizing it. They will not be accepted. Black is the acceptable color, not gray, silver, crimson or rust-brown. 

Do not allow Kraz-Thun near the tomes of summoning. A single enraged halfling can throw a bookcase every six seconds.

Do not comment on the appearance of the drowned books. They’re still sensitive over losing their beauty.

Do not bring axes in the library. The trees remember.

Yes, those holes have teeth. Even, no, especially that one.

A better organizational system for the slavering jaws of heat has been requested and will earn extra credit.

This is not called the Library of competent advice. If you are looking for that, might I recommend speaking to the boatwoman, Efink Murderdeath. Bring a new cocktail recipe with you if you do so.

Chapter 5: Day Sixty-Five

Chapter Text

If the checkout slip for a book is missing, you need merely speak to one of the librarians. Please note that the darkened void behind shelf seventeen is not in fact one of the librarians. Glorkag lives at the reception desk and would be happy to assist you.

Please do not attempt to throw objects through Glorkag. Especially dimensional voids. I do not need to remind you what combining two such voids can create, and thus the library has wards to ensure that anyone attempting such an action is immediately teleported to the bottom of the scary volcano. I understand that we now have lava mogs in residence there as well. No doubt they could use variety in their diets.

Many thanks to Queen-Regent Lilith and the Lord of Shadows for the addition of the endless stairs to our location. This should supply sufficient space for our entire back catalog, though we will still need additional librarians to handle the full records. Anyone interested in a career change should contact Keldriel, Librarian of Lore, with a brief work history and cover letter. We can train any interested parties if necessary. Please apply.

I DO NOT NEED TO READ THE BOOKS.