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The sky is luminous with stars and the waves of the sea are serene. Laura’s body floats like a lifeless piece of wood from a shipwreck. The cold air blows over the exposed part of her body sending an icy shiver all over her. But she stays in the water anyway. For Laura, the sound of the waves is calming.
The sensation of the cold waves against her skin as she looks up to the stars relaxes her. Floating and being carried by the waves gives her a sense of freedom from her thoughts. It has been a year since then and her mind won’t stop playing all those scenes in her head, especially today. Today has been the worst, so far.
“Hey Carm, I talked to dad today. He didn’t insist on coming over," she giggles softly, “he’s trying his best.”
“He’ll come around, cupcake,” Laura hears her girlfriend’s response muffled by the waves against her ears, “I’m sure, he just misses his only daughter.”
“Mhmm,” Laura reaches for her girlfriend’s hand, “you know… otters hold hands while they sleep or rest,” she pauses to stare at the stars for a few seconds and hears Carmilla responds with a light hum.
“Why is that?” Carmilla asks her. She knows that her girlfriend already read the answer to that, but Carmilla asks her anyway.
Laura smiles before answering the raven-haired girl, “so they don’t lose each other,” she tightens her hold onto Carmilla’s hand. Carmilla responds by holding her hand tighter too and brushing the woman's thumb against the back of her hand like Carmilla always does.
"So we're otters!" the shorter woman declares with so much enthusiasm.
"You are such a dork, Hollis," Carmilla teases her girlfriend.
Laura stays silent, her thoughts sail through the stars. Unaware, her hand starts to slip away from Carmilla, but her girlfriend reaches for hers before their hands get completely separated. As soon as their hands are joined again, Carmilla assures her, “You’re not going to lose me, Laura,” this time, her girlfriend’s words sounded clear, without any disruption from the waves.
“You’re not going to lose me…”
“You’re not going to lose me…”
Carmilla’s words echo inside her head.
Laura closes her eyes as she lets the waves cradle her to relax.
The room is white, everything she sees is white. The room smells like a hospital. The heart rate monitor beeps and an IV dextrose drip is attached in her hand. She’s in a hospital and she hates hospitals. Her mouth feels dry as she takes in a short breath before blinking a few times, trying to focus after waking up a little disassociated. The sun seems to shine too bright and Laura squints her eyes.
A figure moves closer in her peripheral so she looks towards the direction of the moving shape. Laura recognizes the person to be LaFontaine who is now moving closer to her bed. They seem to appear relieved but sad at the same time. Glancing at the side where LaFontaine came from, hoping that Carmilla would be there as well, but to her disappointment, there was no one else.
“Hey there, frosh,” they greet her with their utmost tenderness.
“Hey, Laf,” Laura couldn’t hide the disappointment in her voice and Lafontaine catches on it, she notices them tensing up, “where’s Carm?” LaFontaine swallows and holds off the tears threatening to run down their eyes.
Laura opens her eyes and resumes staring back up the stars. Tears start to fall down her eyes like a never ending stream. Her lips start to tremble, from the cold or from crying, or maybe both, she’s not really caring.
“I miss her, Carm…” her tears continues to fall and she bites her lips to try and stop it from trembling. Her girlfriend doesn't respond.
She focuses on her heartbeat.
Lub dub lub dub lub dub
“I love listening to your heartbeat,” Laura murmurs as she rests her ears against Carmilla’s chest.
“If you wanted to nuzzle against my chest, you didn’t need to make up excuses, buttercup,” Carmilla teases her and Laura feels her girlfriend’s chest shakes from the short giggle Carmilla just let out. The woman’s hand then proceeds to caress the top of her head with such affection.
Laura lets out a soft giggle herself, “Pfft. Shut up and let me listen,” she resumes listening to her girlfriend’s heartbeat while her fingers caress the outline of Carmilla’s face up and down. She could hear Carmilla’s heartbeat rise for a moment when her fingers brush against the woman’s face and then, resumes back to normal once her fingers start moving in a feather like touches.
Laura swallows the lump in her throat before shouting at the sky, “WHY… WHY US… WHY HER? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HER?”
LaFontaine gives Laura a note, unable to say anything or even answer her question.
You are my heart and I am yours.
You have my heart. Now, our heartbeat is one.
I will always be with you, my love.
I love you, always.
- Carmilla
P.S
Live. Follow your dreams.
“She asked me to write that before she…” their voice trails for a few seconds, they swallow again before continuing, “before she donated her heart to you. I’m sorry, L. She wouldn’t have survived and she was a compatible donor for you, so she…”
Laura opens her eyes again, “I miss you, Carm,” she moves her hands against the water, it’s empty, except for the cold waves against her skin, “I miss you and it hurts.” She feels so lonely and so small against the vast space in front of her. Her chest feels so heavy, she wants to sink.
“Is this how you felt when you looked at the stars alone?”
Laura takes a deep breath, she can taste the salty air as it fills her lungs before she submerges her whole body, this time, deeper into the darkness of the sea, letting herself sink while she continues to listen to her heartbeat. The waves swallow her and the water embraces her whole body. The luminance of the stars still registers at the surface of the water so she closes her eyes to embrace the darkness that’s wrapping around her. Their memories together flashing through her mind.
Lub dub lub dub
Lub dub lub dub lub dub
She raises her right hand towards the surface, towards the reflection of the stars.
You loved watching the stars. We used to stargaze a lot.
And I fell in love with you, over and over again, every single day.
Now… every heartbeat reminds me of you.
I should've died with you, Carm.
Carmilla’s words ring between Laura’s thoughts.
Lub dub
“You’re not going to lose me…”
Lub dub
“I will always be with you, cupcake.”
Lub dub
“Live. Follow your dreams.”
Lub dub
"Don't be an idiot, of course, I'm doing it for you."
Lub dub
Lub dub
"I love you, always."
Lub dub
Laura’s eyes shot up as if she’s waking up from a deathly nightmare. She swims back up the surface, reaching for the stars.
Lub dub lub dub
I’m sorry Carm. That was stupid.
I’m being a nostalgic idiot, aren’t I?
Let’s go and see the stars.