Chapter Text
Not on my first day.
10:07 AM
Why is this campus so big?
10:09 AM
Renjun felt light headed and almost out of breath when he pushed open the heavy door of the sports building and looked left. A big white plastic sign read practice rooms in blue letters and an arrow pointed to the stairs. He climbed up to the fourth floor and walked to the door facing him a few meters away.
“That must be it”, he said in a whisper he could not hear over the loud music coming from one of the rooms he had just passed. But when he reached the door and turned around, he realised the doors were not numbered.
He stood there for a few seconds, trying to calm down. He gave a knock on the door and proceeded to open it. He was surprised when he heard the music from earlier getting louder. It was coming from inside. He still opened the door and figured he would ask the people inside for directions. There turned out to be only one person in the room, who seemed too focused on the dance routine they were practicing that they failed to hear or see the door open. When the silhouette eventually caught his reflection in the mirror and rushed to the phone connected to the loudspeakers, Renjun instinctively fixed his posture. The music stopped and the stranger walked to him.
“Hi!” The boy stopped a few inches from the door, panting. “I'm sorry, I was borrowing this room because it was empty. Do you have a class here?”
“Hi. Uhm... actually my class has already started, I think I got the wrong room... or building. I'm looking for room 4E.”
“I think you've got the wrong floor. I can help you look for it.”
“Yes, please. If you don't mind”, Renjun nodded, “sorry for interrupting you though.” The boy standing in the doorway gave another smile, bigger this time, then shook his head.
“I don't mind at all. I was about to leave anyway. Let me just get my bag, I'll be right there.”
10:14 AM
The boy walked out in a new shirt and stopped on the doorstep, offering a handshake.
“I'm Jeno, by the way.”
“Renjun.”
“Nice to meet you, Renjun”, Jeno said as they shook hands, “shall we?”
The pair headed to the staircase in silence. Renjun buried his hands in his jeans' front pockets and saw the tall boy fix his cap on his head several times. Once they had reached the staircase, he broke the growingly awkward silence.
“Renjun, right?”
“Yeah.” Jeno gave a faint smile which Renjun failed to notice, as he was too focused on not falling down the flight of stairs. “Is it your first day?”
“Yes”, Renjun chuckled, “what gave it away?” Jeno snorted and went on :
“What do you study?”
“English and Economics. You?”
“Medicine. Second year.”
“I'm a second year too, actually. I just transferred here from Kangwon University.”
“Then maybe I'll see you around, I have two optional English classes. So, Kangwon? That's in Chuncheon, right?”
“Yeah. I'm from Seoul but I followed my best friend there. And he got accepted in a acting school in Jeju this year.”
“So you didn't feel like staying?”
“Not really. I didn't make many friends there”, Renjun shrugged as Jeno held the door open for him. “That was such a sad thing to say”, he added with a chuckle.
“No it's not, I understand that”, Jeno countered with a half smile.
“Besides I only went because of him, Seoul was my first choice.”
Jeno nodded and stopped in front of the second door to the right.
“That's the room you're looking for. They remodeled the building during the summer but apparently they forgot to number the rooms.”
“Oh, alright. Confusing.”
“So unnecessarily confusing. I'm glad I could help you though”, Jeno added with a pleased expression.
“Yeah, thanks by the way. I hope I'm not too late though...”
“They'll understand. What class is it by the way?”
“Oh, fencing.”
“Nice”, Jeno said with a surprised look, “I don't think I've ever actually met anyone who... fences. How long have you been taking classes?”
“It's been... I think I started in middle school.”
“That's so cool!”
“I guess”, Renjun answered, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.
Jeno opened his mouth as if to ask another question but pursed his lips when his eyes met Renjun's again. He joined his hands as an awkward smile grew on his face.
“You know what, I'm being rude, I should let you go in. You're already late.”
Renjun chuckled and reached for the doorknob. “It's alright, you just saved my first day, you know. I hope I'll see you around, Jeno. Thanks for your help.”
“You're welcome... I'm so sorry, what's your name again?”
“Renjun.”
“Renjun”, Jeno whispered. “Sorry, I'll remember it next time. Well, if you want to run into me again, I'll be in the room where you found me, around that time next Monday. It was nice meeting you, Renjun.”
They exchanged polite smiles and Renjun opened the door. He saw everyone was still changing into their sports clothes and he was not that late after all. He peered through the small window in the door and saw Jeno walking away and stood there for a moment. He only realised he was staring when Jeno turned to give one last look at the closed door and he rushed to the lockers before he could get caught.
7:32 PM
When Jeno got home to an unsurprisingly empty house after his first day, he dropped his bag and crashed on the couch, unconvincingly trying to dismiss the anxiety from the workload that awaited him for the next months. He knew he had to take it one day at a time, but he was still learning how to do that. He felt his brain get clogged with thoughts and closed his eyes for a moment and practised the breathing exercise he had learned in therapy all those years ago.
He felt lonely in this moment, and although he was used to it by now, the silence was getting louder and more oppressing.
His phone vibrated as he received a well timed message from his best friend.
Donghyuck | 7:36 PM
It is LUNCH TIME, my dudes :D I have until about 1 (so 9 for you, I think?? stupid time zones) if you want to FaceTime. I want to know all about your first day at university!! I miss you sm :((
The tension in his shoulders and back disappeared as he read the heartwarming text. This was their second year apart since they had met in middle school. Donghyuck had left for France two weeks prior for his second year in preparatory class. A year prior, his perfect grades had got him in before he even took the oral tests.
To make up for their time apart, Jeno had spent almost the entire summer at his house, but Donghyuck leaving for the second time was even harder, and he was glad that he had planned to come home for Christmas this year. Jeno almost instantly called him on FaceTime and they ate together. Donghyuck eating what he called his weekly cheat meal – but he was really currently on a quest to test and rank every single French variation of his favourite international fast food chains – and Jeno eating leftovers for dinner.
8:55 PM
After hanging up, Jeno took a shower and went to his room. He turned on his laptop and logged on Facebook. He wanted to look for the boy he had met earlier, but quickly realised he had no idea how to write the Chinese sounding name and closed his laptop right away. He checked his phone to set his alarm for the next day.
4 missed calls from Mom
Jeno closed his eyes and sighed. When he dialled his mother's number, he prayed she would not pick up. He loved and missed his mother, but he was not in a mood to talk anymore.
“Honey!”
“Hi Mom, sorry I missed your calls, I was having dinner with Donghyuck.”
“It's okay. I hope Donghyuck's doing well, send him my best.”
“Hm. Where are you anyway? I thought you were coming home today.”
“I did stop by today baby, but I couldn't make it tonight, I'm sorry”, his mother answered in a shy voice to wich Jeno sighed.
“Yeah, I get it.”
It had been this way for three years now. His mother was happy with her boyfriend and while she understood that Jeno did not get along with him, Jeno understood that his life and hers were just not as connected now and it was alright that she did not live here anymore.
“He's in town for just a few days and I haven't seen him in weeks.”
“Alright.”
“I'll be back soon. Three days tops.”
“Hmm.”
“How was your first day?”
“Good, I had a few classes in the afternoon but I got there in the morning. I met someone.”
Huh? Shut up, Jeno.
“Oh, I'm so glad you're making friends, honey!”
Oh thank God.
“Yeah, me too.”
His mother had always been worried about him making friends, just because he only had one close long term friendship and a group of friends from high school whom he had not seen in a while. But it was not like he had had any real conversation with her since he started university, so she never knew about the friends he had made there, even if they were far from being close friends.
“Listen, I left some cash for you on your desk, if you want to order takeout, maybe you can invite your new friend over!”
“Yes, I'll think about it. Thanks. Mom, I was going to go to sleep, I'm sorry but I'm really tired.”
“Yeah, of course, go get some sleep. Goodnight baby, have a good day tomorrow. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom, goodnight.”
Jeno hung up and went looking for the money on his desk. There was more than enough to feed five people for the next two weeks. He shook his head and put the money in his wallet. She had to know she gave him too much money for food and that he saved it up to buy video games.
Jeno's first class today was English Literature and as he walked into the lecture hall, unusually early, he caught himself looking for the boy from the first day. He spotted him in the second row, sitting next to someone and he walked up to him, probably unnoticed.
“Hi, Renjun”, Jeno said and realised he was interrupting a conversation. Renjun looked up at him and it took him a while before he replied with a shy smile.
“H- hey! Hi, Jeno.”
“Can I sit here?”
“Yeah, sure.” Renjun removed his bag from the chair to his left and Jeno sat down, mouthing a thank you before waving at the boy sitting two seats away.
“Hi!”
“This is Jeno, he helped me find my class on my first day.”
“Oh yeah, I remember”, the boy said with a half smile.“Hi, I'm Jaemin.”
Jeno gave a nod and took his notebook out of his bag.
“Are you two excited for our first modern English literature class?”, he cheered sarcastically.
“Not... not really”, Renjun answered. “I haven't even bought the book yet.”
“Oh, I haven't either.”
“I read it over the summer”, Jaemin put in smugly. “Took me a while, I'm not going to lie.”
“Where'd you buy it?”, Jeno asked.
“Ordered it online. But I'm pretty sure you can find it at the university bookshop.”
“I might go after class then. Renjun, do you want to come with?”
“Yeah, I have a bunch of other books to buy. I'll be done with classes at three thirty.”
“I have a free period between four and five. Let's meet there at... let's say past ten?”
Renjun nodded as the teacher cleared her throat and the room quieted down.
Just as promised, Renjun and Jeno met after class that day, and twenty minutes later they were walking out of the bookshop, each of them carrying a plastic bag full of hardcovers.
“You going home?”, Jeno asked.
“Yes. I mean, I'm going back to my dorm. My parents' house is actually not too far but we decided I should have a place on campus. You?”
“I have dance class in a few.”
“Right. First class of the year then?”
“Yeah, I'm excited!"
Renjun unintentionally nodded and added :
“Well, thanks for coming with me.”
“Oh, my pleasure. Besides I found new weapons to fight boredom in between classes”, Jeno answered, holding up his books. “I still have a few minutes before going to class. Can I walk you to your dorm?”
“Sure”, Renjun answered with a genuine smile.
On their way to Renjun's dorm, Jeno asked him about his friend Jaemin, and Renjun told him that they had met on their first day and had most of their classes together, since they shared the same major. He asked Jeno how his first week was going, and they talked about their current career prospects. Jeno was amused by how detached Renjun sounded when talking about his professional future. He was okay with the fact that he did not know yet what he wanted to do with his life, and had said that was what university was for, figuring things out. It made him sound unaffected by the stress of the first days of university, and Jeno found a little comfort in that.
Over the next few weeks, Jeno and Renjun would often sit together in class, although they did not talk that much. Their preferred way of communicating was through notes, that each would leave in the margins of the others' notebook. It was not deep, or profoundly interesting, just little jokes or facts about themselves, and it sure was a pretty unique way of befriending someone. That was how Jeno found out a collection of little fun facts about him.
Although he had made other friends in his differents classes, Renjun always seemed to be a comforting presence to him. He enjoyed finding the notes from him in his notebook, and it even motivated him to study sometimes. Reading them gave him a break from all his worries, and he felt like, although they only exchanged spoken words right before classes started and after they ended, they had connected somehow.
Overtime they did start talking more. Jeno, who was chronically late, started making the effort of coming earlier to class. Renjun took him up on that offer he had made the first day they met, and one Tuesday before fencing practice, he went to see him in that practice room on the fourth floor, bringing two cans of soda with him. Jeno had picked the Sprite and they had sat down with their backs against the mirror. Renjun had only realised when he checked the time around noon that he had missed practice. Jeno had felt bad and had apologised for making him lose track of time, but not enough to apologise again after Renjun had said it was fine. Instead, he had told Renjun he would bring the drinks next time, and set an alarm so he would not miss practice.
One Wednesday in October, Renjun offered him to visit an art exhibit that was organised by the art department, which Renjun was familiar with, since he took painting classes there. They remained pretty quiet for the first few minutes, and Jeno noticed that Renjun was lingering on most of the artworks, and he ended up being a bit ahead of him, often looking back at him and exchanging polite smiles with him.
Jeno did stop for more than a minute in front of one painting. It was in a rather small frame, with a hummingbird painted as if it had been captured in its movement. The more he looked at it, the more intrigued he got. That was one uncommon hummingbrid. It had webbed feet and two longer feathers stuck out of each of its wings. The purple and blue colours of its feathers stood out from the light green background. The texture looked so smooth it did not even look like it was painted, instead more like something that had been drawn digitally. But when he leaned closer to catch the details, he noticed the subtle strokes in the background colours.
He was unable to look away until he heard footsteps approach. He turned to Renjun, eyes still wide open and lips parted, and raised an eyebrow.
“Is it possible to fall in love with a piece of art? Or is it a weird thing to say?”
Renjun chuckled and gave a slight shrug.
“I wasn't expecting this but, thanks, that means a lot.”
“Wait, did you-” Jeno interrupted himself and looked for the small sign beside the painting that read “Dreamer, Huang Renjun”. “Wow, Renjun, I didn't even- you made this? Why didn't you tell me your art was in here?”
“I wanted to surprise you”, Renjun replied shyly, tying his hands behind his back.
“I really wasn't expecting it. And it's- this is gorgeous, I can't explain how much I love it.”
“Really?”
“I feel like it wants to tell a story.”
“It does have a story. Do you want to hear it?”
“Yes! Please”, Jeno answered, joining his hands. Renjun snorted and moved a step closer so he was now standing just beside Jeno, so they would look at the painting almost from the same exact angle.
“You see this?”, Renjun started, pointing at the bird's feet. “It has webbed feet which allow it to move better in the air and in the water. This bird feeds on dreams. He likes to visit humans and peek inside their dreams. If he likes their dream, he'll keep them, and this is why we often don't remember our dreams, or just remember some parts. I call them Dreamers but they fall more into the category of collectors. And when they feed on sweet dreams, their wings look like this. When they feed on nightmares, their wings turn to a black colour.”
“But why would they feed on nightmares?”, Jeno asked and turned to Renjun, who turned to him as well and now their faces were just inches away. He pulled back just a little and gave him a half smile.
“Excellent question. I remember I used to wake up some days, feeling scared, or angry and I didn't know why. And I used to think “maybe I had a nightmare”, although I couldn't remember it. So I'd just move on. This is where the idea came from. Dreamer birds visit us in our dreams and sometimes, when they have collected enough sweet dreams, they'll take away some nightmares. And they do it for children most of the time, because they feel like children are already so confused by our world, they need this little help.”
“Huh”, Jeno slowly nodded, mouth agape. “I love this story”, he added, a light appearing in his eyes.
“Thanks. I love it too.”
“But hey, why do they have webbed feet though? Don't they only visit humans?”
“Oh, not only humans, they visit their mermaid friends too.”
Renjun's proud smile warmed Jeno's heart. He could tell this boy's inner world was full and complex beyond what he himself could imagine.
“I love... I love that”, was all he could utter.
“Thanks. I don't usually tell people that kind of stuff, because they think it's cheesy, and childish. I'm glad my painting caught your eye though.”
“Yeah, and I loved its story. I hope this doesn't sound weird but I usually don't get this moved by paintings. It's... strange, really, I felt drawn to it as soon as I saw it.”
“You know this is the greatest compliment you can give an artist”, Renjun smirked.
“It's truly how I feel”, Jeno shrugged, although inside he was nearly panicking, for some reason.
After getting out of the exhibition, they took a walk around the campus and talked some more, about their classes, but also about themselves. Renjun told Jeno about his best friend Mark, who was now studying in Jeju and Jeno told him about Donghyuck. He was happy to notice that Renjun was comfortable telling him about things that you would not tell just any classmate, and he thought maybe he was not just Renjun's classmate anymore, maybe they were friends, and this feeling of comfort he got from Renjun was mutual. Soon it was time to say goodbye, and although they would see each other the next day in class, they both found themselves stalling. When Renjun offered Jeno to come up to his dorm though, the latter shook his head and politely declined the invitation instantly. Thinking about it afterwards, he realised he might have been a bit too quick to answer, and maybe it would have been nice to spend some quiet time together, but his immediate response was to get out of Renjun's way. Next time, he thought.