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Suguru held the curse he had just finished exorcizing in his hand, hesitating to slip it between his lips. His gut was already churning painfully, nauseous at just the thought of consuming another curse. But he had to, needing to get stronger. He closed his eyes tightly like that somehow might help make the curse taste better before finally shoving it into his mouth. Suguru swallowed it quickly, almost gagging as he couldn't avoid the awful taste. The curse’s energy felt slimy as it slid down his throat, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it.
Suguru had lost count of all the curses he had swallowed throughout his life. When he was younger he had hoped he’d eventually get used to the taste of them, used to the way they burned his throat as he swallowed them. But it seemed like the taste only got worse with each curse he swallowed. He could barely eat anything at all without feeling sick. Suguru never wanted to consume another curse, but he couldn’t stop, not until he was strong enough to protect everyone.
For years Suguru assumed he was already strong. He was a special grade sorcerer by the time he was sixteen and everyone had told him that he was practically untouchable. He felt untouchable, especially with Satoru by his side. Missions started to feel too easy, and Suguru became cocky, letting Satoru’s reckless brashness rub off on him. But then Riko died and everything fell apart.
The mission should’ve been easy, just protecting Riko until they could bring her to Master Tengen. But the two strongest sorcerers in the world hadn’t been strong enough to protect her. Fushiguro had killed Riko after almost killing Satoru. He overpowered Suguru easily and exorcized one of the most dangerous curses he had in his collection without any effort at all. Suguru thought he was strong, but Fushiguro showed him exactly how wrong he had been about that, tearing Suguru’s world down around him.
Both Suguru and Satoru had thrown themselves into training after Riko died, doing everything they could to make themselves stronger. It seemed effortless for Satoru, like all he had to do was think about getting stronger and then it happened for him. But it was harder for Suguru. He trained until his hands bled and his body ached. He was barely able to sleep and barely able to eat, throwing almost everything up no matter what it was. And he kept chasing strong curses to add them to his collection, choking down each one. It was all worth it though, just as long as it made Suguru even a little stronger.
But all of the training and all of the curses and all of the sleepless nights had been for nothing. Suguru still wasn’t strong enough to protect anyone. The harsh reality of his own weakness slammed into his chest when he saw Haibara’s body laid out in the infirmary. Nanami was there too, shoulders shaking even though there weren’t any tears running down his face. Suguru’s first thought was that he should’ve been there, should’ve been on the mission with them. But then he remembered Riko, remembered watching her die right in front of him. Riko’s face became Haribara’s in his memory, and Suguru’s heart twisted painfully as he realized he probably wouldn’t have been able to protect them even if he had been there.
Suguru kept consuming curses despite the way everything felt pointless. He consumed every curse he encountered regardless of grade and usefulness. He felt less and less like himself, like the curses might take him over, but Suguru didn’t stop, he couldn’t . If he could just swallow enough curses then no one else would ever die again.
But the curses were endless. It felt like for every curse Suguru swallowed, five more just immediately took its place. He devoured curse after curse until the awful, acrid taste stayed in his mouth all of the time. But eventually it all became too much. Suguru was finally ready to admit that there was really only one way to rid the world of curses completely. He just wasn’t sure he was ready to take the first step needed to create that world though.
The common room was surprisingly empty and quiet, everyone else out on missions. Suguru had thought it would feel less lonely than his dorm room, but he had been wrong. The uncharacteristic silence just made him feel even more alone than before, like he was the only person left in the world. He wanted to leave, wanted to crawl back into bed with the intention of never leaving it again, but he didn’t have enough energy to drag himself back to his room. So Suguru just stayed there, slumped in his chair and tried not to let his memories overwhelm him.
The door opening sounded overly loud after the silence, the sound echoing through the room. Suguru didn’t look up, not really interested in finding out who had entered. He knew it wasn’t Satoru as the other man would’ve immediately started talking and knew it wasn’t Shoko as he would’ve smelled the smoke from her cigarettes. So he assumed whoever had walked in was just passing through. Suguru kept his gaze on the ground, wishing, just for a moment, that Haribara had been the one who had just walked in.
Whoever entered the room didn’t say anything. They just walked into the room, their footsteps getting louder as they got closer. They stopped right in front of Suguru, their feet almost touching his, and Suguru’s chest tightened painfully as he realized they were probably there to send him on a new mission. He kept his head bowed, not ready to go out and swallow another curse just yet. But then he startled as the person suddenly thrust something out towards him. Suguru quickly looked up, both confused and curious.
It took Suguru a long moment to recognize Nanami, the younger man looking different than the last time he had seen him. His face was gaunt, and his hair was shorter, framing his face differently. His shoulders were broader, filling out his uniform more than before, and there was a small smile playing in his lips.
“Sorry Getou, I didn’t mean to startle you.” Nanami’s voice was quiet, like he was afraid of surprising Suguru again. Suguru smiled up at him before shaking his head.
“It’s my own fault for getting so lost in thought.” Suguru’s smile faltered as he remembered the last time he saw Nanami, struck by the sudden thought that Nanami had been looking for him because something terrible had happened. Suguru sat up a little straighter. “Is everything okay, Nanami?” The younger man’s smile widened just a little as it became softer.
“Everything's okay. I just…” Nanami’s cheeks started to turn pink as he trailed off. He held his arm higher, holding the thing in his hand out to Suguru more insistently. “This is for you.” Suguru took it carefully, confusion growing as it crinkled loudly. It was an oddly-colored piece of bread, sealed in plastic with the logo of a nearby bakery and the word ‘STRAWBERRY’ stamped onto it. Something twisted in Suguru’s chest as he looked at it.
“Thank you Nanami, but you didn’t have to get me this.” As touched as he was about the gift, Suguru also already felt nauseous, the thought of food almost enough to make him sick.
“I know.” Nanami didn’t say ‘but I wanted to’, but the words hung heavy between them anyway. Suguru held the bread tighter, the plastic crinkling louder as the thing in his chest twisted again.
“Thank you. I…I’ll eat it later.” Suguru wanted to be able to eat it later, but he knew he would just throw it up. He felt guilty about it, but he was planning to throw it away as soon as Nanami was gone. Something must’ve shown on his face as Nanami narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously.
“Please don’t just throw it away, Getou. It wasn’t cheap.” Nanami’s tone wasn’t harsh or anything, but Suguru still felt like he had just been scolded. His face felt hot as he felt a little ashamed of himself.
“I promise I’m not going to throw it away. I…” Suguru realized he didn’t really have anything else he could say. So instead he tried to swallow down his nausea and opened the plastic packaging. He ripped away a tiny piece of bread and brought it to his lips, his hand shaking a little with his nerves. Suguru closed his eyes tightly as he put the piece of bread in his mouth, bracing himself for the awful taste that clung to everything he tried to eat.
But the awful taste never came. The bread had just a hint of sweetness to it, nothing overpowering, but Suguru could actually taste it. He chewed it slowly, savoring the taste of something different, something that didn’t make him want to vomit. And then he immediately ate another, larger piece of the bread.
Suguru was only able to eat half of the bread, feeling too full to eat any more of it. It was the first time he could remember feeling full in a long time, and his stomach was surprisingly settled. He gently folded the plastic over the remaining bit of bread, actually intending to eat it later. He looked up at Nanami, who had just quietly watched him eat. Nanami’s cheeks were still pink, but he was also smiling softly. Suguru smiled back, the expression coming easily for the first time in a while.
“Thank you, Nanami.” Nanami’s cheeks turned a darker shade of pink at Suguru’s genuine gratitude.
“Of course. I..I’m glad you liked it. I’m supposed to meet Yaga for training soon, so I’ll see you later, Getou.” Nanami nodded stiffly before turning away abruptly, not even giving Suguru a chance to say goodbye. Suguru smiled to himself as he watched Nanami leave, his mood lighter than it had been all morning.
It started to become a routine between them. About once a week Nanami would find Suguru wherever he was on campus and give him a small pastry. The pastries were always just a little sweet, and Suguru could actually taste each of them. At first Suguru tried to give Nanami money for all the food, appreciating his kindness but not wanting to take advantage of it. But Nanami never accepted anything from Suguru, just saying ‘I know’ every time Suguru told him that he didn’t have to keep buying him food. Suguru eventually stopped trying to pay Nanami back, just letting the other man treat him even though he had no idea why Nanami wanted him to eat so badly.
Suguru grew to look forward to his weekly treats from Nanami, perking up every time he saw the other man. But it felt like something was missing, the lightness in his chest fading as soon as Nanami would leave. Suguru knew he was already being selfish enough, accepting all the food from Nanami without anything in return, but one day he finally decided to let himself be just a little more selfish.
Nanami had just given Suguru a fruity croissant and was already taking a step back to leave, but then Suguru grabbed his wrist, keeping him close. He wanted to drop Nanami’s wrist almost immediately, feeling awkward under the other man’s attention. But he just sat up a little straighter, smiling at Nanami nervously.
“Do you…do you want to eat with me?” Nanami blushed at Suguru’s question, which made him regret asking it. He dropped Nanami’s wrist and dropped his gaze to the floor. “Sorry, I–”
“Yeah, I’d like that.” Nanami sounded shy, but he was already sitting down in the chair across from Suguru. Something eased in Suguru’s chest as he looked back up, and he felt just a little weightless as their eyes met. He smiled at Nanami less nervously and watched him pull a sandwich out of his usual bakery bag. Suguru looked at it curiously, wondering what sorts of things Nanami liked to eat. His unasked question must’ve been obvious on his face as Nanami laughed to himself quietly before holding half of the sandwich out to Suguru. “It’s egg salad.”
Suguru took the sandwich tentatively, like he was afraid Nanami might suddenly change his mind and pull his arm back. But Nanami just sat there quietly and watched him. Suguru took a small bite of the sandwich, but then needed to cover his mouth with his hand as he immediately gagged. The sandwich tasted rancid, like he had just taken a bite out of a curse. Nanami frowned as he took the sandwich back, and the expression made his face look more severe than normal.
“I’m sorry, Getou. I–” Nanami cut himself off as Suguru shook his head, though he immediately regretted it as the action only made him feel more nauseous. Nanami sat patiently as Suguru waited for his nauseousness to pass. He only dropped his hand from his mouth once he was sure he wasn’t going to throw up on the other man.
“It’s okay, Nanami. I had hoped I’d be able to taste it, but my cursed technique had other ideas.” Suguru smiled self-deprecatingly, but Nanami’s frown stayed firmly in place.
“Is it really that bad?” There wasn’t any pity in Nanami’s question, which Suguru appreciated.
“Yeah it can be. But there are a few things I can still eat. Like this.” Suguru shook the pastry Nanami had just given him and he liked the immediate way the younger man blushed. He opened it quickly, wanting to get the rotten taste out of his mouth, but then he hesitated before bringing it to his lips. “Do you want to try it?” Suguru didn’t wait for Nanami to say anything, assuming the way his blush darkened was enough of an answer. He held the croissant out, liking the way their fingers brushed as Nanami took it from him. Nanami took a small bite, nose immediately wrinkling at the taste. Suguru hid his laughter behind his hand as he took the croissant back.
“Thank you, but I think it’s a little too sweet for me.” Nanami’s voice was overly polite, like he was afraid of offending Suguru. But Suguru just smiled at him before taking his own bite of the croissant. He could only taste a hint of sweetness, but it was still enough to chase away the terrible taste from before.
Nanami stayed with Suguru, even after they both finished eating. They talked about recent missions they had completed and curses they had encountered. They talked about their classmates and their teachers. They talked until the room started to get dark. And it was the happiest Suguru had remembered being in a long while.
Suguru and Nanami started eating lunch together more often. Nanami would find Suguru with a full bag from his favorite bakery, they’d eat together, and then they’d talk about anything they could think of. Nanami was easy to talk to. He was interesting, but also attentive and patient, rarely ever interrupting Suguru. Eating with Nanami quickly became one of Suguru’s favorite things to do, and his chest always felt light whenever get to see the other man.
It was one of the rare times Suguru, Satoru, and Shoko were all on campus together, and Suguru hadn’t realized how much he had missed just sitting with his friends until now. Satoru was doing almost all of the talking, but Suguru didn’t mind, content just listening to his friend. The jealousy he usually felt whenever Satoru bragged about his strength was still there, but it wasn’t as overwhelming as it usually was. Suguru finally admitted to himself that he was never going to be as strong as Satoru, but he also realized that he didn’t need to be. It had been a terrifying thing to realize, while also making his shoulders feel lighter, like a weight had finally dropped from them.
Suguru’s attention had been on his friends, but he noticed the moment Nanami walked in. He set up a little straighter and smiled just a little wider as he saw him. Nanami gave him a small smile back, but he didn’t walk any further into the room, glancing at Satoru and Shoko hesitantly. Something twisted in Suguru’s chest at the thought of Nanami leaving after he just got there, so he waved the other man over. His wave grabbed Satoru’s and Shoko’s attention, and they both immediately looked towards the door. Satoru waved too as soon as he saw Nanami, his wave more exuberant.
“Hey Nanami!” Satoru kept waving until Nanami finally walked over. He looked both awkward and annoyed, probably not in the mood to deal with Satoru. But Nanami’s expression softened as he looked at Suguru.
“Hello Getou, Ieiri, Gojo.” Nanami nodded to Shoko and Satoru as he said their names, but he kept his eyes and smile focused on Suguru. Suguru’s own smile widened under the attention, and he was already holding his hand out, curious as to what kind of pastry Nanami had gotten him today. Nanami laughed to himself quietly at Suguru’s eagerness before pulling something out of his bag. Suguru’s heart skipped a beat as he realized it was a slice of strawberry-flavored bread, remembering the first time Nanami had unexpectedly given him a treat.
“Thank you, Nanami.” Suguru’s voice was softer than he expected it to be, but Satoru surprisingly didn’t tease him for it. Instead he was too busy holding a hand out to Nanami, like he expected to get something too.
“What did you get me , Nanami?” Satoru stretched the question out and wiggled his hand obnoxiously.
“Nothing.” Nanami’s answer was immediate, and his voice was flat. Suguru hid his laugh behind his hand as Satoru pouted.
“But that’s not fair. I want a sweet treat too.” Satoru’s voice was whiny, sounding worse than a child. Suguru rolled his eyes at him.
“Life isn’t fair, Satoru, so stop being such a baby.” Suguru knew he sounded a little smug, but he couldn’t help himself. There was a warmth in his chest knowing that he was the only one Nanami bought food for. Satoru scowled at Suguru, but the expression only lasted a moment before being overtaken by a mischievous smile that made Suguru nervous.
Satoru grabbed the piece of bread out of Suguru’s hand before he realized what was happening. He used his unfair height to his advantage, holding the bread just out of Suguru’s reach. He knocked into Shoko as leaned back, but she just shoved him right back, pushing him further out of Suguru’s reach. Suguru scowled at them, but he was also already half-out of his seat, ready to try and wrestle the bread back. But Nanami got there before he could, snatching the bread out of Satoru’s hand easily.
“This is for Getou.” Nanami sounded like he was scolding Satoru, which reignited the warmth in Suguru’s chest. They all knew Satoru could’ve easily taken the bread back, but he just pouted again, crossing his arms against his chest tightly as he leaned back in his chair.
“But Suguru doesn’t even like sweets.” Satoru was whining again, sounding even more like a child than before. Shoko rolled her eyes at him while Suguru resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at Satoru.
“I get him sweets to help with the terrible way curses taste.” Nanami said it matter-of-factly, no sort of inflection in his voice at all, but Suguru’s heart skipped a beat anyway. Satoru laughed loudly, slipping his sunglasses down his nose a little as he looked up at Nanami.
“Oh I get it. You have a crush on Suguru, don’t you?” Satoru’s question was rude, and his smile was obnoxious, but Suguru was barely paying attention to him. Instead he was looking at Nanami, whose entire face had turned a dark shade of red.
“I…”
“Oh my god, you actually do.” Satoru laughed again, even louder than before, and Nanami’s blush somehow darkened even further. “So are you going to confess, Nanami? Do you need help?” Satoru said his name in an annoying sort of sing-song, making Nanami look uncomfortable. Suguru felt guilty as he looked at the younger man, feeling responsible for Satoru. But there was also a light, weightless feeling in his stomach at the thought that Nanami might have a crush on him.
“Nanami–” Nanami left before Suguru could say anything more than his name, bolting from the room. Satoru laughed loudly, ignoring the way Shoko and Suguru were both glaring at him.
“You’re such a jerk, Satoru.” Shoko’s tone was as flat as it always was, but Suguru could hear a hint of genuine annoyance in it.
“What? I was just trying to help Suguru get a date. I mean he’s pretty much hopeless on his own.” Satoru looked over at Suguru, like he expected him to agree with him. But Suguru just stood up, hoping he’d still be able to catch up with Nanami.
“Shut up, Satoru.” Suguru kicked the foot of Satoru’s chair as he walked past him. He knew Satoru’s infinity would protect him from actually hitting the floor, but he took some satisfaction in Satoru’s surprised shout as he fell.
Suguru was afraid that Nanami would’ve already been long gone by the time he reached the hallway, but the other man was still there, standing just a few feet away from the door. His face was still red, and he was hunched in on himself, but he met Suguru’s eyes. Something flipped in Suguru’s stomach as they looked at each other.
“Nanami, do you…” Suguru trailed off, realizing it was too direct to just ask Nanami if he had feelings for him. But Nanami knew what he didn’t ask anyway, nodding with a small, shy smile.
“I like you, Getou and I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. But I never wanted to burden you with my feelings.” Suguru’s heart twisted at Nanami’s confession, even though he didn’t understand why Nanami would think his feelings would be a burden.
“Is that why you’ve been buying me food?” Suguru had been curious as to why Nanami had started buying him treats, but hadn’t asked him before now, afraid that questioning it might make Nanami stop. Nanami’s smile widened slightly as he shrugged.
“It’s a little bit because of that. I noticed you haven’t been eating lately. And…” Nanami shifted his weight between his feet, his blush spreading down his neck. “I just wanted you to look up again.” Suguru’s face felt warm as his heart skipped another beat.
“Nanami–”
“You don’t have to say anything, Getou. And I understand if you want me to stop bringing you food. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” There was only a hint of sadness in Nanami’s voice, but Suguru noticed it immediately. Nanami took a step back, but he didn’t get far, Suguru grabbing his wrist before he could leave.
“I’m not uncomfortable, I don’t want to stop eating lunch with you, and your feelings aren’t a burden.” Nanemi’s eyes widened as Suguru spoke, but it seemed like he still didn't really believe him. So Suguru used the grip he had on Nanami’s wrist to tug him closer. Then he leaned in and brushed a featherlight kiss against his lips. “I like you, Nanami.”
“Getou…” Nanami searched Suguru’s face, like he was looking for any hint that Suguru hadn’t meant what he said. But whatever he found must’ve convinced him that Suguru’s feelings were genuine as he leaned back in, kissing him again.
Suguru could taste just a hint of something sweet against Nanami’s lips as they kissed.