Archive of Our Own ^omega

Realizing that she liked Minnie was the most exhilarating experience in Soyeon's teenage life. 

She liked girls in the past, but always girls she knew would never like her back. She liked straight girls, girls with boyfriends, straight girls with boyfriends, famous girls who are her seniors, or all of the above. She never experienced liking someone who was just within her grasp and who would—in theory—catch her if she ever needed to be caught from falling. It was perhaps a way to protect herself from heartbreak and people's judgment about her sexual orientation.

Minnie, in many ways, was possibly the woman of Soyeon's dreams. She knew this the moment she saw her in the company when the girl could say still no more than one sentence in Korean, her mascara smudged from crying so much after saying goodbye to her family, and starting a life on her own as a trainee. Soyeon saw her, quite literally in the corner of her eye, as she had just finished dissing one of their monthly evaluators. Soyeon, being an introvert, didn't do as much as a bow to her as a welcome.

The next time she saw her, the strange Thai girl was playing her own rendition of an American pop song on a piano. This seemed to gather the attention of not just Soyeon, but the other trainees as well. There weren't many female trainees at that time, considering that their company had just debuted a girl group a few months back. That same day, during lunchtime, Minnie sat down with her. “You're the only one who looks close to my age,” said Minnie in her ungrammatical Korean, matching with gestures to make her point, and for Soyeon to understand her. 

It was true. Most of the trainees were much younger than them (those who thought they had a better choice of debuting in the future because there just was no way the company would debut a new group this soon) or much older (those who missed their chance of debuting this year). 

Minnie introduced herself properly and ever since that day, they would eat together mostly in silence, but sometimes with gestures or with either of them looking up translations online, laughing when something became heavily mistranslated in their respective mother tongues. The older girl never asked Soyeon to help her with her Korean despite how much closer (without words, that was) they had gotten the past months, and Soyeon knew she would be a terrible teacher, so she never offered. Instead, they bonded while eating together and training together.

Both of them had a background in dance, but in different fields, so they both had something to learn from each other. This was Soyeon's favorite part because it was just their bodies and the art and their passion that talked. 

In the fourth month, Soyeon was told that she was going to be sent to a program called Produce 101 alongside some other trainees. Soyeon was still in high school then, so she knew that from then on, her time would be divided between Produce and studying. She would have separate schedules from other trainees, and therefore she wouldn't be with Minnie at all.

This was, she thought, when she first realized that she started having a little crush on her friend. But then again, at this point, she thought Minnie was straight, hence another one for her collection of unattainable women.

They didn't say goodbye on their last day of training together according to Soyeon's old schedule, they only traced the new schedule and figured out how they could train even at least once a month. 

“Good luck,” Minnie said then. “I hope you make it so you can debut right away.”

Soyeon wanted to debut more than anything, and she wanted to win. If there was one thing about Jeon Soyeon, it was that if she came, then she always came to win. She was not, however, one to voice that out without action, so she only smiled at Minnie. “I will.”

It was safe to say that Soyeon's time in Produce wasn't the best. She'd come home to the dorms tired and in distress, barely having time to think of anything else that didn't concern her trying to better her craft. Or, well, to shape her craft into something else that didn't feel like hers. Even at a young age, Soyeon took a lot of pride in her work, but this was also the time of her life when she thought she had to fit a certain mold somehow. It was a dark time if she must admit, and her only good days were those she spent with Minnie dancing and singing. 

Sometimes they'd sit together in silence (once Minnie had sought her out personally) with Soyeon making songs or practicing her rap, and Minnie sitting there, scrabbling words in her Korean notebook. Soyeon didn't really pay attention to the notebook that much, even if it was very endearing to see how eager the Thai girl was to learn. No, Soyeon was more focused on how Minnie's eyes would light up every time Soyeon would explain a certain word or phrase to her or how her nose would scrunch when she couldn't pronounce a word correctly. 

By the time Soyeon got out of Produce, and didn't win like she originally wanted, she was comforted by two things: First, she was out of that hell hole. Second, there was a chance she could debut with Minnie. 

She brought this up a month after returning from Produce. The Thai girl was almost fluent at this point and their conversations had gotten longer, but never to the point that they drained the introverted South Korean. Or maybe that was just Minnie's considerate nature. Either way, Soyeon liked being around her.

To this, Minnie sheepishly shook her head and said, “I don't think so.”

Soyeon was shocked to hear this. After a year of knowing each other, all she saw was the constant growth in Minnie's confidence, but by then she was smiling at her bitterly and Soyeon didn't know what to do with it. 

“They said I'm not that good at singing Korean pop songs. I'm also an average dancer so I guess… I won't be put in the same group as you, considering who you are.”

While the experience wasn't exactly ideal, Soyeon did gain a lot of recognition from Produce. People could now recognize her name, some recognized her outside on the streets, but more importantly, her voice was slowly being heard within the company. In retrospect, Minnie's insecurities were justified, but Soyeon would not allow her friend to put down herself for this. Instead of offering empty words to comfort her, Soyeon instead made efforts for both of them to be recognized during evaluations. They'd train together like always and perform together, too. 

When December rolled around the corner, Soyeon finally signed a contract with the company, and Minnie had decided she'd sign hers and would be introduced as one of the new trainees in the next months. That Christmas, Minnie thought she'd be spending her time alone, and Soyeon was more than ready to invite her over, but then she received a call during their last day before the Holidays.

“Is this Jeon Soyeon?” the person asked in English. 

As it turned out, it was Minnie's brother who was coming with their mother to surprise Minnie two days after that call. Soyeon, despite the language barrier, helped them out and the tears of joy on Minnie's face after everything made it all worth it. 

She ended up getting invited to a family dinner and that was when it all changed for Soyeon. 

“Any boyfriend?” Minnie's brother asked her jokingly.

“We are not allowed,” said Minnie, eyeing Soyeon consciously. 

“Girlfriend, then?” her brother pushed, not-so-subtly nodding in Soyeon's direction. 

Minnie replied in Thai after that, but her tone, the redness on her cheeks, and how she could not look Soyeon in the eyes said enough. 

Soyeon felt her heart in her throat then, and she could not bring herself to say anything. There was no denying at this point: She liked Minnie. She liked how relaxed yet how nervous she made her feel. And she liked how she smells, how her hand fits around her own. She liked many things about Minnie, really, but what shocked her was that apparently, Minnie might like her back. The concept seemed so odd and so new, for Soyeon that she felt the need to duck and protect herself after the gathering. 

They texted each other during the break, but it became less as the days passed. When Soyeon returned from her family home, she made a point of ignoring Minnie. In the second week, an opportunity presented itself to Soyeon that would once again send her away and allow her to get over her silly feelings. Perhaps when she came back, it would all go away. 

So then she quite literally begged the company to send her to Unpretty Rapstar. It was just not for her personal feelings, but for her professional aspirations as well. She was a rapper and this time the field would be hers. 

A week after she finally convinced them to send her, Soyeon walked into the dance studio that was apparently not empty. During the past weeks, she made sure to train when nobody else was. Unfortunately, Minnie found out and finally caught her. 

The older girl was sitting in the middle of the dance floor, looking straight at Soyeon through the mirror. 

“Hi,” Soyeon said, trying to sound as casual as possible.

But Minnie was glaring at her now, watching intently as Soyeon put her bag down. “Glad to know you still recognize me.”

Soyeon fought an eye roll but didn't make a move to get closer to the girl. “I've been busy.”

“I've seen you at your busiest and this isn't it,” Minnie said, her accent slipping. She stood there, looking at Soyeon face-to-face now. “And what is this I'm hearing about you going to another survival show?”

“It's a better one,” Soyeon told her, and in her guts, she knew she was correct. “Winner does not get put in a girl group, so when I come back we could still train and hope to debut together.”

To her surprise, Minnie let out a bitter laugh. “Sorry,” she barked, “I was under the impression that you no longer want me around.”

“That's not true,” Soyeon insisted. She was not fond of confrontations, especially not against a very emotional woman like Minnie… especially not against her feelings. 

Surprisingly, this response changed something in Minnie. She didn't seem angry anymore—just hurt. Not how a teenage girl looked hurt but how a child looked hurt as if something she didn't understand kept pulling her heart away. Quietly, she asked, “Is it because of what my brother said?”

Soyeon didn't want her body to be tense, but suddenly she was rigid. She could hear the constant sound of the air conditioning in the room, too aware of the light above, and their reflections in the three mirrors on the wall. Suddenly, her oversized dancing shirt felt very tight indeed around her body. She swallowed, not daring to break the sudden silence between them, as though breaking it meant breaking something forever—or, well, mending it.

Minnie took a step toward her, and another, and another. When she was just right in front of her, Soyeon looked away to not meet her gaze. “Are you disgusted, then? That I'm this way?”

“What? No!” She never would have thought Minnie would take it this way. Appalled, she added, “how can you say that?” against her better judgment, she moved quickly enough to take Minnie's hands with hers. “I—” 

Soyeon never came out to anyone. Liking girls was just something she did. Sure, it was something that made her doubt everything she ever believed in at first and even made her hateful indulge in a lot of self-hatred in the past. However, upon accepting that it was a part of her (a very normal part of her), she couldn't hate herself any longer. This was her and she owed it to herself to love it. Others be damned. 

This was not how she imagined coming out for the first time though. But she did it. 

“I'm bisexual,” she said, “so I don't… I don't judge about… that.”

Minnie blinked in disbelief. And then she laughed. “Oh,” she breathed, realization dawning. Seriously, she eyed Soyeon. “If you're not avoiding me because you think I'm disgusting, then—”

“I like you,” she told her, words suddenly slipping. It was one of those moments that just happened. There was no time to even pause to think if this was a good idea or not, nor was it an idea she had considered before. “And you're not obligated to say anything or do anything. One thing I know is that I need to get over these feelings and I promise to you, I'll come back and they'd be gone—”

“That's unfair.”

“What?” Soyeon asked, stuttering. The sound inside her chest seemed to grow louder and louder with every second passing. 

“I said that's unfair because what if I don't want those feelings gone?”

Silence rang in her head. “Minnie, I—”

Minnie's eyes had changed. It was sort of the one she seemed to practice putting on when she was performing, but this one was the real thing. This one challenged Soyeon's own intense gaze. This one lured Soyeon in and before she knew it, her lips were on Minnie's and a pair of strong hands were on the side of her shoulders, slowly snaking their way to her back. Soyeon didn't have time to register what was happening, she kissed back just as rough, her own hands wrapping around Minnie's waist.  

It was not a perfect kiss. Obviously not the first kiss she'd expect from women, though still felt better than it did with her first boy kiss. She felt Minnie's hand tilt her head upwards and she obliged, slowly she was being led to the table that stood beside the door. She hoisted herself up with the help of Minnie whose hands lingered on her thigh. Only when she was sitting at the table did she register where this was leading. 

This is happening too fast, she thought. “I—” Gently, she put her hand on the older girl's chest, smiling sheepishly against the kiss. “I think we should—”

Minnie chuckled, and when Soyeon opened her eyes she saw how much of a blushing mess the woman had become. Suddenly she couldn't look Soyeon in the eye, the trace of the woman lifting her so easily was gone.

“Sorry,” Minnie said, going even redder. Without looking at her, she helped Soyeon up to her feet. “I got excited.”

Soyeon laughed, deciding to go for it and kiss her once more, just quickly this time. When it was done, their eyes met. This, right here, was a very vivid frame in Soyeon's mind: Minnie's lips a little swollen from kissing, her lipstick a bit smudged, her cheeks several shades darker, her forehead a little sweaty despite the cold condition, and above all, her soft, awkward, but pure smile. The way her eyes shone with it. The way there was a small chuckle that accompanied it. Soyeon wanted to freeze the moment and capture it, to keep it in her pocket forever and always.

This was hers, she thought, this was her Minnie.

It all came crashing to her then. The first time she thought Minnie was pretty, the first time she accepted her as another one of her happy and unattainable crushes, and the first time she felt fear in her bones: when she realized Minnie might like her back. Now here they were, flustered like the teenage girls they were. On the company grounds—the same company that made them sign a contract that prohibited them from getting into relationships.

“We should talk first,” Soyeon said.

“We should.”

The conclusion of their talk? The company couldn't stop them if they weren't in a relationship.

Even with the mutual confession, neither of them put a name to what this actually was had the contract not been between them. It was just this. It was just something that they did. It was just something that was theirs and only theirs. 

There was fear, sure, whenever their bodies would touch in public and they wanted no more than to touch each other for real. But all of those worries, those second guesses, were all washed away whenever their lips touched as a secret, unspoken promise. And whenever Soyeon would wake up in Minnie's bed with Minnie looking at her like she hung the stars but would pretend to be looking anywhere else but her. They were like this, always, and the shyness they felt when things shifted remained between them. And yet the comfort and the lack of need to say things just to feel them were there just the same.

Minnie was Soyeon's first in a lot of things. The first girl on her bed that wasn't just for a sleepover, the first girl she played her songs to just because she wanted her to hear them (and maybe to impress her), and the first person she'd ever envisioned having in her life ten, twenty years from now.

They never argued, but mostly because either of them just knew each other so well that they'd back down when they saw how impactful something was for the other. Soyeon was not someone to relent, but Minnie had a power over her that separated her from the rest. When Minnie looked at her a certain way, she knew exactly what it meant. Mostly it meant to stop doing what she was doing because she disapproved of her. She liked to think she had the same power over the Thai girl. Minnie was stubborn, but she listened to Soyeon.

Perhaps they both challenged each other to be better, both constantly trying to impress the other (but mostly Soyeon), and both intensely smitten to the point that they'd let the other get away with everything else.

The day Soyeon was to leave the dorms again to film Unpretty Rapstar, Minnie was suddenly in a sour mood. Soyeon was not naturally someone who chased people, asked them what was wrong, and made them feel better. That was just not who she was, and so she didn't become that for Minnie as well. Still very young, the two did understand each other a lot, but there were things their egos just would not let them do. 

Soyeon almost didn't want to wash Minnie's scent away that morning, but she had to look like another person from then on. Before she left, Minnie finally spoke up. “Can you call me?”

“I can,” Soyeon said, “the regulations don't prohibit phones, but I'm not sure which time of the day I could.”

“Figure it out on the first day and then call me every other day at the same time.”

Soyeon looked at her amusedly. Minnie had never been demanding—not this explicitly, at least—but she found that she liked it. Soyeon could be too immersed in working and training, and she knew that if it was not part of her daily routine, there was a chance she'd just forget. “Possessive,” she said to tease, “I like it.”

But Minnie didn't falter. “I'll miss you.”

“I'll miss you too.”

The promised every-other-day phone calls turned into daily phone calls the entire time Soyeon was away. Minnie would also send her company gossip, pictures of her watching Soyeon on the TV, some posts online praising Soyeon, voice recordings of her singing random things, and updates on the girl groups they both followed. 

Minnie got announced to the public as a trainee that March and new recruits came as well. The older one would tell her about this new girl, Soojin, who almost debuted with another group from a different company. “Her charisma rivals yours.”

Soyeon would naturally just be humble, but she knew Minnie was trying to get a reaction, so she'd pretend to be offended. “But my charisma is your favorite.”

“Debatable,” Minnie would say, “though I must admit your charisma is not my favorite thing about you.”

“Uh-huh. It better not be.”

“I miss you.”

Every time those three words would be said, something seemed to shift between them. What was this? Sometimes Soyeon wanted to ask, but asking would ruin it, and ruining it was the last thing she wanted. 

“Not too long now, Ms. Minnie.”

Minnie didn't know it then, but Soyeon was already in negotiations with the company. She'd heard talks of her debuting by the upcoming year, and Soyeon was trying to convince them to allow her to debut with Minnie. One night, she called Minnie and asked her if she remembered the song she wrote called “Smile.”

“Of course. Why?”

“It's being put out for the show!” Soyeon exclaimed.

“Really?”

“Really!” she said with a laugh. “And guess what? You'll be performing it with me when we do it at the concert.”

Performing with Minnie that day was the happiest she'd felt in a while. People were cheering her name, her family was on the side of the stage, all wearing bracelets Minnie got as a gift, and she was sharing a stage with a person she'd want to spend her entire life performing with.

It was so natural, so easy, that when Soyeon came back, she spent the first night right away on Minnie's bed. 

She had the time of her life in Unpretty Rapstar that even though she didn't win, she came home with a huge smile on her face and a massive pride in her heart. After, in the dark, Soyeon found herself more sentimental than usual. If she were someone who cried when pleased, she would have wept entirely. She wasn't, so instead, they both got dressed and snuck into the music room. They played random chords on the piano, singing ad-libs of corny things about each other. 

The next morning, Soyeon met the Soojin girl Minnie had become close with since her arrival in February. She was, in fact, very sweet and calm. Nothing could have prepared Soyeon for when she saw her dancing. It was safe to say they got on pretty well. With Soojin, they never said a word about what was between them, though she seemed to have noticed but said nothing about it. Right away, Soyeon decided she trusted her fellow 98-liner.

This was also when something more romantic blossomed between Soyeon and Minnie. They'd go on dates to restaurants, concerts, and museums. They'd sit together studying music production (after Soyeon vouched for letting them both be allowed to take lessons). They'd sneak out together at night and it would all be well. They'd call their families with the two of them in the frame.

Even still, nothing was said verbally. No questions about whether they were in a relationship or not, whether they were lovers or something else entirely. 

Something shifted again two months after that, once Minnie started going out of her shell more and interacting not just with their fellow trainees but with other company's trainees and newly-debuted idols as well. Soyeon was always on the side during this, calm in her silence and solitude, though sometimes she spent that with Soojin which was no difference anyway. 

Also during then, a new trainee arrived. It was a cute Chinese girl named Song Yuqi who hit off with Minnie right off the bat. The only times Soyeon would tolerate Yuqi was when they would dance together, seemingly having similar styles. They were only mutual friends until one day, the dynamics were changed when they had a 2PM vs Super Junior dance battle. Yuqi declared them rivals since that day. In a good way, of course. In Yuqi's words (with help from Minnie who, to Soyeon's surprise, spoke a bit of Mandarin), it was “to push each other towards greatness.”

Another month after that and another wave of trainees came in. The biggest chunk yet. One of them was a pale-skinned goddess, Yeh Shuhua, whose beauty and shyness reverberated through the halls of the company just by her mere presence. It was Soojin who got close to her first, followed by Yuqi who spoke the same tongue, and then Minnie, and Soyeon by default. Before the latter knew it, her lunchtime changed from just being with a Thai girl who could barely speak Korean to a table of five girls (three of whom were loud).

Even with all these changes in how Minnie spent her days during training hours and free times, it was Soyeon she came home to. The arrangement placed Minnie and Yuqi together, but Yuqi was much of a social butterfly enough to try to get along with Soyeon's roommate at times, allowing Soyeon to spend most of her nights with Minnie. Yuqi, being her careless self, never suspected anything more than friendship between the two. 

For Soyeon's birthday that year, she received three gifts. One from Minnie and two from the company. The one from Minnie was a personalized CD of herself playing the piano and singing Soyeon's favorite songs. Soyeon knew even then that she'd be putting that CD among her most precious collections.

The ones from the company were massive. First, a digital solo debut this November with a song they were allowing her to write. Second, the confirmation of the promised debut early next year. With Minnie and the rest. 

The five started testing chemistry and concepts together and also moved out from the trainees' dorm. Soyeon, Yuqi, and Minnie shared the large room while Soojin and Shuhua shared the small one.

They trained together and were told to be as close as possible. All during these, Soyeon was making a song for her solo debut to milk the UPR3 publicity. Needless to say, Soyeon grew a little too occupied with working, she didn't notice how distant she had become in those months from August to October. Sure, she'd show up and laugh with them and train with them, but once that was over she would be nowhere to be found. 

In the middle of her preparations, a rather big change was made in the group's lineup. A celebrity-looking woman walked into their practice one day and was introduced as the sixth member of the group. 

“This is Cho Miyeon,” their CEO said, “treat her well.”

Soyeon, already the leader of the group, was the one who first made an effort to get closer to her. She kicked out Minnie from the bottom of their bunk bed and offered it to Miyeon. “I need to make her comfortable,” she reasoned as Minnie pouted, “it's my job.”

“What about my comfort?”

Soyeon laughed, kissing Minnie's jaw. “Right here.”

When November rolled around, Soyeon couldn't be around the group a lot. Because the oldest, Miyeon, was still shy, it was Minnie who took charge. They'd exchange phone calls where Minnie would give her updates about the new girl. “I think I've cracked her shell,” Minnie told her, “we're gonna cover songs together. Don't you think that's good? Nothing else is better than forming a bond through music.”

While Minnie was rather possessive whenever Soyeon was around Yuqi and Soojin, Soyeon didn't mind how much closer Minnie and Miyeon had gotten when she finally found her footing again and spent more time with them. 

The song she released, Jelly, didn't do well (nor was it meant to do well, really) but after it, they'd been given a debut date: February of 2018. It was soon, so they knew they had to work harder. Songs kept coming to them, possible title tracks and possible concepts, but none of them intrigued Soyeon much. 

One night in December, Minnie and Soyeon were on the couch alone, and Soyeon brought this up. “I'm concerned they don't know what to do with us.”

Minnie hummed then, kissing her neck. “Write us a song then.”

Soyeon chuckled, but Minnie stopped kissing her and looked up instead, lifting her chin softly. “I'm serious, baby. I think—no, I know—you can do it.”

Soyeon didn't listen and didn't start working on “Latata” right away. However, in January, they got told that obviously their debut was being pushed back to May due to the lack of songs and concepts that stuck and worked. Frustrated, Soyeon finally negotiated with what Minnie told her, and she got a “do what you want, but we can't say for certain we'll use your song.” from the company. 

Sleepless nights faced Soyeon in the next few days, especially after the company asked for one more song, saying she'd release one more single as a solo artist to tease the debut. On normal occasions, she wouldn't have minded, but there was too much work at hand, and she found herself overwhelmed. One night, she completely forgot about practice and stayed in the company's studio until eight in the evening. When she was about to send an apology, Minnie arrived with a hoodie, offering it to her. “Let's go for a walk.”

They did. Soyeon wore Minnie's hoodie as they walked hand-in-hand, eating street foods and laughing their worries away. Minnie said she'd have snuck out sooner but she had to stay with the group. Afterward, she convinced them that it was only her Soyeon needed. 

“You know you don't need to take the pressure by yourself, right?”

“I know,” she said. She knew, but that didn't mean she wouldn't. “I share them with you, don't I?”

“You should confide in the others too. They'll be our family for the next few years.”

Soyeon nodded, considering. She gestured to their entwined hands. “What about this? Do we tell them? At least to warn them or to not have them tell on us if they find out.”

“We can't,” Minnie said. “It's not that I don't trust them. It's just that it's hard, with something like this.”

She wanted to argue further, but she nodded. There was something that grew so safe, so intimate, about this not being clear to anyone but them. Heck, it was not even clear to them. 

They didn't come back to the dorm that night. They booked a hotel nearby. When they were both lying under the mattress after a passionate encounter, Soyeon asked in hushed whispers. “How long, then?”

“How long do we keep this a secret or how long do we keep doing this?”

There it was again, whatever this was. “Both.”

“The first one, until the contract ends. The second one… forever… always, if you want.”

Soyeon chuckled. She did want to be with Minnie for a long time, but was she ever with her? Was this territory something they really wanted to test? To be in this liaison while being in a girl group together, with other people who would take the blow with them if they were ever found out? To try to keep meeting sneakily even when they were in their mid-20s? Suddenly, the future became uncertain for Soyeon. She couldn't put a finger on it, but she knew they were being too idealistic at this moment. She said nothing though and allowed herself to melt in Minnie's embrace, sleep overtaking their worries. 

When they debuted, things began to change, especially on Soyeon's end. 

Minnie supported her through the process of fighting for “Latata” to be their debut song. She was always there, right behind her like a shadow that could never be shaken away. She was there as a part of her that Soyeon never wanted to stop to think about what would happen if she ever lost her. 

Their debut exceeded their expectations. Soyeon made a lot of deals outside the group, one with Miyeon that required the duo to fly overseas without the rest of the group. A few months later, she was hired by another company for a collaboration with three massive female idols. In simple words, Soyeon's career had taken a height she didn't expect to take this early on.

She was not the only one with solo activities, sure, but her activities (both solo and the work she was doing for the group) did force her to spend a lot of time away from the five of them. At first, this bothered Soyeon a lot. She didn't want to be alienated from them; even before, she made a point of actually getting along with the girls she would be put with. Now, however, Soyeon was content with casually greeting them whenever she saw them and then talking to them professionally most of the time rather than the other way around. 

Seemingly, this change started to cause a rift between herself and Minnie as well. One that was already too deep before she even realized it. 

“How about on Tuesday?” Minnie asked, kicking her foot a little. They were in Soyeon's new studio in the company, one built for the making of their second mini-album. This album, called “I Made”, was an album of romance in Soyeon's mind. Unknowingly, she wrote most of the songs so far with Minnie in mind, but what she didn't realize was that the more she wrote about her idea of her, the more she swept away from the real thing. 

“I can't,” she said, not looking away from the notes of her rap flow she just did. “I have to finish this by the end of the month.”

Minnie didn't respond, and for a second Soyeon thought she had gone quietly, but then she looked up and saw Minnie looking at her very strangely indeed. 

“We haven't hung out, just the two of us, since the beginning of this year,” Minnie stated as a matter of fact. “It's November.”

Soyeon placed her pen down. “Minnie, you know how busy I am. If I had time—”

“If you really care enough to pay attention, you would have made time,” Minnie said quietly. She was like this when she was really angry, Soyeon knew. Minnie dropped her voice lower and in one tone. “I'm not an incredibly clingy person, Soyeon. I've been way too understanding, you know this. I never demand anything from you but these days it's as though this doesn't matter anymore.”

For some reason, this made Soyeon snap. “What even is this?” she gestured between them. “We're not lovers. We're not friends. What the fuck are we?”

Minnie blinked as if Soyeon had just shot her. Perhaps, Soyeon thought, she never expected her to actually bring it up. Minnie knew Soyeon hated confrontation. They both did, really, which was why this had gone on this long. 

“See,” Soyeon said, standing up, “this doesn't even exist.”

“You know how I feel about you.”

A dark chuckle left her lips. “I don't anymore.”

These past few months, the only time they manage to steal for themselves was spent for work or the bedroom. There seemed to be no more conversations between them, and while that used to be a good thing as an indication of their deep understanding towards each other, now it served as a nagging feeling; like the ticking of a bomb ready to set off any time. 

“Well then, I don't know where I stand in your life anymore either!”

There it was. She raised her voice. Soyeon knew Minnie's anger had turned into frustration, and now she could see the side of her eyes watering. Soyeon looked away. “Go back to the dorm.”

“You have no compassion,” Minnie spat, “no regard and consideration of other people's feelings.”

“You can call me heartless, I don't care!” Soyeon wanted to laugh, seeing nothing but red. She had so much work to do and this was a girl who wouldn't even care enough to tell anyone about them nor even clear what this was between them.

Why, she asked, had I even thought this was a good idea? During this moment, nothing mattered. Not the way she saw Minnie, not the way she continued to see her through the years. Right now, it was just her need to finish working and be left alone. “Go back to the dorm,” she repeated. 

“If I leave,” Minnie said, “I'll never come back as I am ever again. I'll only ever come back as your colleague. Your fucking work mate.”

Soyeon didn't care. “Go ahead. Nobody's stopping you.”

So she did. Minnie left and Soyeon didn't even turn her head around to look at her. When the door shut, she felt herself gasping, though she didn't cry. She knew, later on, that Minnie didn't either. No, Minnie found solace in the presence of the other four. Laughing and making jokes and having the time of their lives. Nobody looked at Soyeon weirdly, so she knew she never told anyone nor did anyone notice. 

It was as though what they had was truly just a delusion she created in her head. It was never real, not even for either of them. And it hurt, it did, that not a single trace of it was found. 

But then they kept fucking.

It happened on the first day of the year. It had been weeks since they last spoke outside the professional settings aside from the casual greetings in the dorm. That day, when Soyeon had to stay behind while the girls planned a road trip, Minnie suddenly complained that she had killer menstrual cramps. 

“We'll all stay behind,” said Yuqi. “I know you have FOMO.”

But Minnie was firm. “No. Go on ahead without me.”

And so they did. Soyeon already had a feeling of what was to happen, but she was still shocked when she came home that afternoon with Minnie—perfectly without her period, she found out a few minutes later—waiting for her in the living room. 

“So you lied,” Soyeon said. 

Minnie smiled and gestured for her to sit down. It was a bad idea so naturally, Soyeon followed her instincts to go with it. 

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“No, you don't.”

Minnie chuckled. “No, I don't.”

These past few weeks, the two would catch themselves heating up just after a few seconds of eye contact. When practicing, their skins would touch and Soyeon would have to excuse herself and steady herself in the bathroom. One time, Minnie ran into her changing because she was taking too much time, and the older one didn't bother to pretend she didn't see her. She stared, and Soyeon almost teased her before she looked away. 

During dinners, Soyeon would catch Minnie looking at her and resist the urge to tease her about being picky with her food. Soyeon herself would need to control herself whenever they go out for seafood. Minnie had a certain way of eating oysters that could just send Soyeon into hysterics. Her beating heart betrayed her every time her gaze would drop to Minnie's lips.

Now, Minnie placed a steady hand on Soyeon's thigh and pulled her closer. Soyeon allowed herself to be pulled and then raised her leg above Minnie's own. When their eyes met, it was Soyeon who initiated a kiss. 

For the most part, the kiss told them everything they had been keeping. The I Hate You and the I Hate That You're Hot messages, mostly. It was not clean. It was not romantic, but Soyeon's heart had never beaten that fast before. She had never felt so alive. 

“I wanted to do that for so long,” Soyeon told her, breathlessly. 

Later that night, when the girls had texted they were on their way back, Soyeon was watching Minnie gather her clothes from her floor. Jokingly, she asked, “What are we?”

Minnie grinned. “Co-workers.”

No longer the young and infatuated women that they were, they started to get rougher, even more vulgar with themselves. Soyeon found herself away from herself sometimes, especially whenever they spent their nights together, in hushed voices and ragged breaths. 

Early that year, the group was split into two dorms. Soyeon made deals to be put in the same one as Minnie, while putting Yuqi with them, knowing that Yuqi would almost always be out anyway. 

Unlike their setup before, this was just strictly hooking up. They didn't go for walks or dates anymore. They didn't cuddle. They caught themselves whenever they started acting domestically. Even in public, Minnie decided to be more distant from her. Not that Soyeon minded in this regard, considering the company paired them up with Yuqi and Miyeon respectively. She knew it was safer this way, but she also couldn't shake the coldness that started growing in her heart whenever she looked at Minnie and Miyeon.

Every time she dwelled on it, Soyeon found herself hurt. She liked Minnie, that much she knew, but she didn't realize the extent of how much she valued her in her life. Many questions played in her mind: What if she made a move to make them official before? What if she weren't such a coward? What if she didn't take Minnie for granted and continued their original set-up?

It was also during then when Minnie's bond with Miyeon started to take off. Later the year, after Queendom, Soyeon grew content in their set-up. The questions she had before vanished. Sure, their relationship was not improving, but at least it was not changing. Minnie had grown to be the constant in her life—the person she came home to, the first person she played her songs for, and the last person she saw before she closed her eyes every night. 

Even with their unspoken agreements, Soyeon forced herself to swallow her inward feeling that this was temporary, that the ball was in Minnie's court; she could defeat her anytime and Soyeon would be helpless to defend. 

In November, almost a year after their “break-up”, which wasn't really a breakup, Soyeon was alone in the apartment with Minnie. The latter was having a bad day, which meant she was meaner than usual. She did that a lot but Soyeon never complained, considering she did that with everyone. Now, she was lying on the couch with her keyboard sitting on her stomach, playing random notes which started to make Soyeon agitated. 

Still, she said nothing about it. “Wanna grab dinner?” she asked instead. 

Minnie offered no answer, only stopped playing, and sat up, looking at Soyeon as if she had forgotten she was not completely alone in the place. “I need to tell you something,” she said. 

Soyeon blinked, heart rate suddenly fast. “About what?”

The older girl looked nervous, suddenly sheepish and apologetic. “I—” she put the keyboard down and crossed the room to sit on the floor, in front of where Soyeon was sitting. Soyeon allowed her to grab her hand, her forearms pressing the two sides of her thighs. The sensation was not new, of course, but she suddenly felt breathless. It was pathetic to think about how much effect Minnie still had on her after all these years. 

“There's no easy way to say this and I would really appear like an asshole and it could hurt you, and I promise you I don't wanna hurt you.”

Confusion grew in her chest. They hadn't talked about anything regarding their feelings for each other since that night. “Minnie, what is it?”

“Soyeon,” Minnie said, “I think I'm in love with Miyeon.”

She never believed that moments could be stopped and that time could be frozen, but it happened just then. Overwhelm was a word she'd use to describe it, and Soyeon felt it overbearing to even breathe. She stood, disentangling herself from Minnie and almost sprinting out of the room. Minnie steadied her, keeping her standing to make her look at her. “Soyeon,” she called, “Soyeon, look at me.”

Soyeon didn't know if she was more angry or hurt or embarrassed. She wanted to ask: You spend every night with me and you're falling in love with her? What does she have that I don't? 

Minnie was her constant, someone who'd always been there, and although there were doubts and fears, Soyeon didn't see this happening this soon, especially also involving one of their bandmates. 

“Oh, Soyeon,” Minnie cooed, reaching out for Soyeon's face but the latter swatted her hand away. Minnie only smiled sadly. “Please don't cry.”

How long? Soyeon wanted to ask, how long has it been since I last meant anything to you? 

But then it was her fault, wasn't it? It was she who took Minnie for granted and didn't shoot her shot when she had a chance. Why, then, do you kiss me like that? Why do you say my name like it's the sweetest sound in the world? Why do you look at me like I am more than the whole world? 

She didn't know what it was she was feeling, and she had no idea what the next months would bring, but Soyeon knew she had to say one thing. “I love you.”

Minnie froze but recovered by smiling sadly again. “I know.”

Perhaps she fed the delusion that despite the shift in their relationship, she could still keep Minnie's attention the way Minnie held hers around the palm of her hands. Attraction goes both ways, doesn't it? It was a rule. It wasn't, unfortunately. She said, “And I don't care if you love her. I'm in love with you. I hope this confession is enough to make you stop playing with me from now on.”

“I was not—”

“Yes, we decided to do this. Yes, we have an unspoken rule to not get our feelings involved this whole year. Yes, it's my fault, all right.”

“Soyeon—”

“It's okay,” she decided, wiping her own tears. “I'll be okay, Minnie.”

Soyeon busied herself starting from then. Thankfully, there was a lot to do with their upcoming world tour and their third mini-album. She would often spend the night in the studio and it was Yuqi who spent most of the time with her.

She was grateful for the presence, even though the younger member seemed to have made it her goal to annoy her. Soyeon liked the fact that she could make her smile. She liked her hugs too, and the way she lit up every time Soyeon complimented her. 

Yuqi made Soyeon feel like what she said, what she felt, and what she thought mattered. She made her feel like she mattered. Most importantly, with Yuqi, her mind was able to stray away from Minnie and the efforts she was making for Miyeon to notice that she liked her more than a friend should.

Unlike Minnie who made Soyeon feel on edge, always tense and ready to oblige, the dynamic was the other way around with Yuqi. Perhaps, Soyeon thought, this had to do with the difference in their age. Minnie had always been someone she respected as her senior, whose opinions mattered to her more than anything, and whose approval she so sickeningly always aimed for even before knowing it. With Yuqi, she was calmer, and she had grown to be closer to her in the span of three months than she had these past few years. 

Just when they were gearing up for the tour, however, a global pandemic broke and they had to cancel their initial plans. Soyeon, instead of thinking about anything else, was more focused on how upset Minnie had looked over the cancellation. She wanted badly to perform in her hometown and she hadn't talked about anything else since it was set. 

Now that it was canceled, Soyeon was too aware of Minnie's devastation. They hadn't been talking much aside from professional purposes, and because Soyeon was good at hiding her emotions, none of the girls noticed that something was amiss. She, too, avoided being alone with Minnie as much as she could. Sexual tension and prolonged eye contact wouldn't exist if she made an effort to completely remove them. 

That night, she went up to Yuqi and asked her for a favor. They were going to take Minnie out to cheer her up. It was better to do it with someone else than risk her own heart, Soyeon knew. And also, she didn't mind being around Yuqi these days. Yuqi was safe. 

Just when they were about to knock on Minnie's room, a familiar knock took their attention. Yuqi volunteered to open it and to Soyeon's surprise, the rest of the girls arrived to surprise them, bringing snacks with them. When Soojin went to hug Soyeon as a greeting, she whispered, “Miyeon's idea. She wants to cheer Minnie up.”

At this, Soyeon's heart seemed to grow small indeed. She was one-upped once more by Miyeon, much quicker and more wholesome, which probably explains why Minnie chose her. Bitterly, Soyeon smiled at Soojin and squeezed her hand in reassurance. They never told any of the girls what was between them, but Soyeon knew Soojin was aware that at least something was happening. Now, it was also obvious that Soojin was aware that something had changed, and here she was looking out for her. Soyeon felt the sudden urge to burst into tears at this realization. And here she was thinking she was masking her pain well. 

It was karaoke night, Shuhua decided. They brought out the old karaoke they hadn't used since the three moved into this dorm and started skimming through songs, bringing out a bottle of wine for those who drink. To Soyeon's surprise, Minnie sat next to her instead of Miyeon. Upon turning to look at her, Soyeon could tell she'd been crying. 

“Hey,” she said awkwardly as Yuqi blasted into some old Avril Lavigne. 

“Hey,” Minnie called back. 

“How are you feeling?”

“I think I'm overreacting.”

“You're not.”

Minnie nodded, urging Soyeon to lie her head on her shoulder. Soyeon knew it was a bad idea but she still did. She settled herself comfortably, the two of them watching the other girls in silence. When it was Miyeon's time to sing, she chose “Sandcastles” by Beyoncé. Soyeon felt Minnie giggling. “Why?” she asked. 

“She doesn't like me.”

Soyeon furrowed her eyebrows. “That's not true. She's as smitten as you. Even I can see it.”

“It doesn't matter,” Minnie said, “if she liked me, we'd just end up like us.”

She froze, not expecting Minnie to just say it casually. Did she not know how hurt she was still? Did she not know it was taking all of her not to wrap her hands around her and claim her for herself again? 

They ended up in Soyeon's bed that night. How it happened, they didn't know. Perhaps they were both drunk on wine or perhaps they were drunk on their own feelings. 

In the morning, however, Minnie looked at her seriously. “I'm sorry,” she said. 

“Why are you sorry?”

“I don't want you to feel like I'm using you. You're too important to me.”

Am I though? “Don't be silly.”

“We can't do this again, Soyeon. I can't keep hurting you.”

Soyeon nodded, though she wanted to say, ‘Use me all you want.’ or ‘I'll give you what you want. You'll never have to worry about being taken for granted ever again.’ She said neither and just agreed. “Yeah,” she said, “it's for the better.”

But that was only the beginning of what Soyeon had to endure. The next coming months in quarantine were spent with Minnie pining over Miyeon. Soyeon wished the girl had more empathy for her, but no, she had to deal with it daily as if there was never something between them. 

In fact, Soyeon had started wondering if there ever were. Nobody knew. Nobody remembered. Not even Minnie, as it seemed.

The hardest part about this was, in Soyeon's opinion, watching Minnie and Miyeon both yearn for each other. It made her want to scratch her hair but also to slap both women to help them see what was in front of them. The funny thing though was that why was she suddenly out of the equation? 

It seemed like she felt more and more out of it as days went by, with Miyeon and Minnie growing even closer and the latter finally slipping through her fingers. It was the point of no return now, and while Soyeon knew how much of a losing game it was, she couldn't help but love her still. 

Maybe if she were bolder, she'd approach her and make her realize why she was the better option. She didn't, of course, and just spent her days hanging around with Yuqi who seemed to be the only one home in their dorms these days.

In the end, she wasn't even sure if she was the better option. If anything, the ship had sailed and she was the reason why it sank. Perhaps it was time to accept it.

After their first online concert, Yuqi presented her with a song she already knew would make it to the album. As expected, Minnie also presented her with some. One of them was so clearly written for Miyeon and the irrational part of Soyeon wanted to scratch all of it and change its meaning, just to spite Minnie. And yet she was better than that and while she was angry and hurt, her respect for Minnie's artistry was still at an all-time high. 

One of the songs, “Moon”, was good but had English lyrics that were slightly not in line with the rest of the tracks in the album. To compromise, Minnie was the one who suggested that Soyeon rewrite it. “I trust you,” she said, and she didn't even need to say it for Soyeon to know that she did. The thought made her sides hurt.

When she finally rewrote Minnie's original lyrics, she cried. It was the second time she cried while writing a song, but this one felt even more personal somehow. It was also ironic, considering the last lines (and the only lines she was giving herself) of the song. 

By the time she was supposed to show it to the girls, she was contemplating. 

“What's wrong?” Minnie asked. 

“It's too… personal,” she admitted, showing it to Minnie. 

Minnie's lip was on a thin line. “Soyeon—”

“Don't pity me.”

“I don't,” Minnie said, “I just… I care about you a lot. Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean you're not important to me and I don't need you.”

“Stop saying that,” she said through gritted teeth. 

“What? You want me to lie?”

“If you'll lie, lie about that,” she spat. 

Minnie grunted. “If that makes you feel better.”

“It does.”

“You're stubborn,” Minnie said, “but I'm really, really sorry.”

“I don't wanna hear that either,” she stood then, taking the lyrics from Minnie. When the latter let go of it, it felt like there was something else she was letting go with it. Their eyes met for a split second before Soyeon broke it. “Come on. I'll show them.”

The release of their mini-album as well as the reception from the industry and fans alike were more than they hoped for. Their happiness, however, was short-lived. 

A controversy surrounded their group once an unfair allegation was made against Soojin. Soyeon had to watch as their plans evaporated into thin air, as Soojin was forced to go on hiatus and the five of them had to pretend like nothing was happening. 

Nothing else seemed to matter then, as the five of them gathered around in solidarity, supporting Soojin and hoping that everything would calm down soon. When it didn't, the foreign line was offered to go home to their countries and for Soojin to go back to her hometown. Upon deliberation, all of them accepted this and parted ways hugely for the first time since their trainee days.

“I'll call you every single day!” Yuqi promised jokingly, but she did call her almost every day when it came to it. Soojin and Shuhua as well, with Soyeon making time to squeeze everyone's call time in her schedule while writing her debut album.

The only person she wasn't hearing from was Minnie. Not even a single word from her since she went aside from the exchange in their group chat.

Minnie withdrew a whole lot from her ever since the controversy happened. But then again, Soyeon just became too busy to be there emotionally for the rest. She had to attend the meetings and also appear to the public just like Miyeon did. Unlike Miyeon, however, Soyeon was not that good at handling emotions, much less understanding other people's, so she didn't.

The only updates she heard about Minnie were from Miyeon. The stories she was telling about her and the life she had in Thailand seemed far-fetched from how she knew her as if these past months had merged her into becoming a new person—someone she didn't know.

“You should try calling her,” Miyeon said sympathetically. “She feels a bit awkward, she thinks she doesn't deserve your time.”

“That's just a dumb thing to think about.”

Miyeon laughed, agreeing. “She thinks you hate her even more now that we're together.”

Soyeon was a rapper. Her vocabulary and ability to form sentences were more than an average person's. However, during that time, she found herself lost for words. Miyeon seemed to catch her mistake and withdrew from her a bit. “She didn't tell you?”

She forced herself to smile. “No, but it's okay. I'm glad you figured it out. Do the girls know?”

But Miyeon didn't fake a smile for her. “We told them, yes.” She shifted uncomfortably, “She said she'd be telling you so I assumed she already did. You should talk, Soyeon.”

Soyeon waved her hand. “You two don't owe me anything. Don't worry, I won't tell on you.”

At this, Miyeon smiled sadly. “That's not what I'm worried about.”

Upon Miyeon's urging, Soyeon found herself on the phone with Minnie later that day, hearing a voice she felt like she didn't hear for years. 

“I heard you're together now.”

“Yeah,” Minnie whispered from the other line as if it was a confession she didn't want to make. “She just told me she let it slip. I'm sorry you had to find out that way.”

Soyeon knew the two would get together sooner or later. She knew one day, she'd have to deal with watching them be together while she stayed lonely. What she didn't expect were the feelings that came with it. Even still, she said, “Don't be sorry.”

“But I am. We got together before I left for Thailand and we took the risk because, you know, what happened with Soojin let us know that our time is not infinite.”

Soyeon didn't know what to say. What should she even say? That she was happy for them (she wasn't)? That she was glad they were happy (she also wasn't)? She thought of herself as cruel. Miyeon was the sweetest human and she deserved all the love she could get, but Soyeon would be lying to herself if she said she didn't wish it were still her. She and Minnie—the way it should be.

“Did you tell her?” she asked. “About us?”

“I told her we used to hook up. She said she and the girls know.” Minnie laughed half-heartedly which was enough for Soyeon to let out a bitter chuckle.

“Right,” she snorted, “nothing but hook-up buddies.”

Silence, and then: “That's not what I meant.”

Soyeon hummed. “I'm tired.” At this, she pretended to yawn, making sure it was heard on the other line. “Good night, Minnie.”

“Soyeon—” but Soyeon cut the line off before Minnie could induce another lie.

Miyeon, Soyeon decided, was the best girl on earth. If there was one person who deserved to be loved back by the woman she loved dearly, it was her. Miyeon was considerate and selfless and was always there in Soyeon's dorm she shared with Yuqi and Minnie. Ever since the others left and the two Koreans were left to stay alone in their respective dorms, Miyeon took it upon herself to basically move in with Soyeon. The leader, while she would never say it outright, was grateful for it. She even thought about it before Miyeon did it, but her pride was too much for her to ask. And yet Miyeon knew exactly what she needed. For that, she was most grateful to Cho Miyeon. 

Soyeon could easily say with ease that they were closer than before. More open, softer, and even more patient. Soyeon's sometimes worn out these past few weeks during the promotion of her first mini-album, but Miyeon was always there to ease her mind. The best thing, however, that Miyeon had done for her happened the night after Soyeon found out about their relationship.

She woke up in the middle of the night without Miyeon on the bed they shared (Miyeon knew how much comfort she brought). Confused about whether something had happened, Soyeon stood and made it to the living room until she heard hushed whispers from the kitchen. 

“I know,” Miyeon said, “Don't worry too much.”

When she heard the voice from the other line, Soyeon recoiled. It was Minnie. 

“How can I not?” Minnie's voice rang, soft and sweet and careful. Soyeon wondered if she'd ever spoken to her like that or if it was a tone she'd only ever saved for Miyeon. “You girls are my family. I'm glad you and Soyeon have each other… and I feel so bad I had to ruin it for you.”

“The world doesn't revolve around you, Min,” Miyeon joked, “but I promise. I swear it, we're not fighting over you. Soyeon's been doing her best and so have I. It's just us now, seemingly against the world.”

This statement, Soyeon would realize, was later proven correct. It was just the two of them when Soojin's official departure was announced, the two of them when Soyeon had to celebrate her birthday in the limelight like everything was alright. Soyeon, of course, gave back the sentiment during Miyeon's own lonely nights.

“Hmm,” Minnie hummed then. “I'm so, so in love with you. Haven't I told you that?”

Miyeon chuckled, and from where Soyeon was, she could see the back of her ears reddening. “You have. Over and over. But I won't ever be tired of it.”

When Miyeon came back to bed that night, she slid so carefully under the sheets but froze momentarily, and Soyeon knew she stared at her for a short while.

She never heard Miyeon take a phone call from Minnie since that night. She concluded that Miyeon figured she was awake and kept it in mind to only converse with the Thai when she couldn't hear it. Soyeon would lie and say Miyeon shouldn't have bothered, but she was glad that she did. While the sentiment was good indeed, she couldn't help the deepening of the wound she felt in her chest. 

Ever since this realization, Soyeon convinced herself to start being okay. Not for the sake of her or of Minnie, but even just for Miyeon. Little by little, she would tend to her hurt and she would make sure Miyeon wouldn't need to hide her love for Minnie from her by the time the latter came back. 

It was the end of November when Minnie came back as if November was really something that played a huge role in their lives. Minnie told animated stories about her home and even made fun of her “slowly fading Korean”.  

As she watched her and listened to her stories, Soyeon felt she was a completely different person. In retrospect, nothing changed in her that didn't change in the rest of the girls. Hell, they were all changed. All it would take was one look at their group and they'd feel a disturbing, lasting pain of loss. A void left by Soojin. 

What she realized, however, as she was left alone with Minnie at their dining table that night, was that it was not Minnie who changed. No, it was the way she saw her.

The whole time she knew her, Minnie was the epitome of grace, of a girl found only in Soyeon's dreams. She was never just another person in Soyeon's life; she was always something special. She was still, even then, but the adoration, at that moment, was tainted by bitterness and the want to forget. 

A sense of relief flashed across Soyeon's eyes. She wasn't hurt anymore. She was resentful. 

They were co-workers before, but now that was all that they were. 

The last thing Soyeon did as the year came to an end was to move out of the dorms. The rest did too, but unlike them, she moved out on her own. Minnie, as expected, moved in with Miyeon. Soyeon didn't mind. In fact, she was grateful for the boundaries being drawn.

Due to the change in Soyeon, Minnie seemed to follow the pattern as well. She started referring to Soyeon more formally, even to their friends or the fans. At first, Soyeon thought this could raise some suspicion that they were quarreling, but then she realized that she didn't care what they would think. 

The year was 2022 and they were preparing for their first comeback as a five-piece. This professional relationship between the two of them was kept even as they worked together on the album, with two of Minnie's songs successfully being picked by Soyeon and the company to make it to the album.

It was, at its heart, a really overwhelming experience. To hear Minnie's demo and the rawness of her passion and emotion were almost enough to strip Soyeon bare. Art, like always, seemed to undo them and put them back at square one. When Soyeon looked at her that night she completed her rap for “Already”, she saw the fire in her eyes reflected in Minnie's. 

Had they always looked at each other this way? With such anger and hunger? 

When she recorded the rap with Minnie behind the booth, all the anger seemed to have resonated through the music. “Good,” Minnie said, smiling. She'd been way too nice lately. Formal and professional, but even nicer than usual. “That's it. We have it.”

Once Soyeon was out of the booth, Minnie offered to listen to the whole song together. “It's roughly put together and your rap isn't here yet but we can just play it in cuts.”

And so they did, sitting there with the rest of the team together, but seeming as though it was only just them. When the song finished, Soyeon chuckled. “Wow.”

Minnie nodded. “I wrote the song and my lyrics with you in mind.”

There was a lump in Soyeon's throat. “I know,” she agreed. “I wrote my rap with you in mind.”

Once the recordings were done, it was time for other matters. Soyeon was occupied in more ways than one; she took it upon herself to take responsibility if this title failed. She had worked on this during the entire hiatus, experimenting with sounds and focusing down to the tiniest details. The girls were, like always, supportive. Even still, she couldn't help herself but look for one more encouraging voice to speak out. Soojin, usually the quietest member, was always the loudest one to cheer for her. She wasn't here anymore. 

It all came crashing down on them at Miyeon's birthday party. Soojin was there, seeing most of them for the first time since she'd left Seoul, and made a speech of appreciation for all of them. 

All while she was speaking, Soyeon could not help but feel like she didn't deserve to be thanked. She made efforts, yes, all of which were unsuccessful. Soojin was still wrongfully snatched out of her dreams. 

When she was finished, all of them aside from Soyeon started to tear up. She never knew what to do with herself whenever this happened before, and she didn't know what to do now. When she looked up, she saw Miyeon smiling sadly at her as she rubbed Minnie's wrist gently. “Soyeon,” she said, “You don't have to be tough all the time. You've already endured so much. It's okay and if it isn't, we'll all be not okay together.”

And so Soyeon allowed herself to break. For many reasons, really, but she didn't have to verbalize any of them. The girls just knew. The girls always knew.

As she wiped her tears and her eyes strayed at Minnie's own pool of tears, she found herself smiling. Halfway there, she thought, halfway to healing.

“Yuqi likes you.”

Soyeon looked up, completely not expecting the person who just entered the bathroom with her, backstage at their third comeback music show performance for Tomboy. So far, it was a massive success, especially by their standards. Soyeon was slowly allowing herself to breathe properly and take off the load on her shoulder.

Yuqi, during the promotions, had been extra clingy to Soyeon. She had been like that to everyone since she came back, really, so Soyeon wasn't thinking anything of it.

“Why would you think that?”

“I think she always had,” Minnie said, “she never told me though, so take this with a grain of salt.”

Soyeon rolled her eyes. “You're in no position to talk to me like this.” The harshness, both in her tone and her words, surprised both of them. 

“Sorry,” Minnie said, biting her lips. Quietly, she asked, “will you always hate me like this, Soyeonnie?”

She didn't look at her but she shook her head. “I don't hate you, Minnie.”

“But you did, didn't you? At some point?”

Minnie looked small this way as if one word from Soyeon was enough to wound her. And maybe it was. Once, at the peak of her resentment, Soyeon could have rejoiced at this knowledge. Not now though. Now, she just felt bad. What had happened to them? A friendship once so pure turned into whatever this was.

“Yes,” she admitted. 

“I can't blame you,” Minnie said, “you probably felt like I just used you.”

“We don't need to talk about it.”

“But I never really explained myself,” Minnie countered, making her look at her. “You're important to me. If you're okay with our set-up right now, then I'm not. I know I deserve your hate but at least let me voice this out.”

“For what?”

“Peace of mind.”

Soyeon chuckled. Oh, how much would she give to have that? “Minnie, I took you for granted. I didn't make you feel special as I should have. I stayed in love with you even during our no strings attached set-up. It was my fault.

“The only reason why I was angry is that I was angry at myself. For being a coward then, and for being bitter now when I shouldn't be.”

“How many times do we have to tell you that your emotions are not any less?”

Soyeon blinked, taking notice of the way Minnie was looking at her now. It was familiar yet foreign. Love, but not the way it was before.

“Soyeon, I loved you so much,” Minnie confessed, “so much that I felt like there was nothing else in the world I could love more than you. We were young though, and we didn't communicate our feelings very well. We were scared too, and I think that added a lot to how we behaved.”

Looking back now, it was true. One of them could have just made a move to make them official. One of them could have made them official the second time around. One of them could have done something. But no, they were both caught up in their own worlds, considering only their own feelings, wrapped up in their own struggles. 

“My greatest regret was after. I should have been more sensitive to your feelings, but instead, I went to you for comfort about my feelings for Miyeon. That was shitty, and I admit I did it to spite you at first.” A dark chuckle left Minnie. “When I told you I loved Miyeon, I did intend to hurt you. I wanted you to realize what you've lost. I was an asshole, Soyeon. You deserve to know this.”

But Soyeon was over feeling blue about that. She laughed. “You deserved my spite, then.”

Minnie nodded, the brim of her eyes was red. “Yeah. It changed right away as you still helped me despite your feelings.” She looked down at Soyeon, eyes full. “I understand if you really don't wanna be associated with me personally anymore. It's selfish of me to try, but I don't wanna lose you. I deserve it if I do, of course, but we're gonna work together and it's just the five of us now so…”

“It's not easy,” Soyeon said truthfully. They'd proven time and time again that they could hurt each other even when they didn't mean it—especially when they didn't mean it—so what was the guarantee now? Soyeon was sure she was over the heartbreak, but how sure was she that it would never come creeping back?

“I don't know,” Soyeon finalized. “We can try.”

While Miyeon became busy with her first solo album, Soyeon was busy with variety shows and going on dates with Yuqi. 

She didn't know who asked who first, but she knew they'd been going out on these more-than-friendly dates and she found herself at ease almost 100% of the time. 

Soyeon didn't realize how much of herself she allowed to come out when she was with Yuqi. She didn't even consider it before because it was just something that was. What made it special, she understood, was that it was so natural and it didn't feel special. 

When Miyeon came back from her promotions, they started working on their next album all while preparing for a world tour. Suddenly and surprisingly, the atmosphere seemed almost as normal as it was when they were trainees. Soojin was not around, of course, and that was costing them a lot, but other than that, Soyeon found herself more at ease around Minnie. 

She started talking and joking casually around her like before. Hell, she even caught herself smiling when she saw her kiss Miyeon quickly as if trying to hide it from the rest of them. 

Earlier that year, Soyeon would make a point of leaving whenever she knew the two would be cuddled up. She knew too that the two did make efforts to spare her feelings, but now she was done with that. On their last day of rehearsal for the Seoul shows, she pulled both of them and said, “You can act all couple-like around me. I don't care.”

As she said the words, she knew she meant them. Looking at Minnie was an action that was tainted forever. She would be lying if she said memories would never haunt her, but she was sure those were all that they were: memories and nothing else. They would never be real anymore and hence, Soyeon needn't protect herself from them at this point. 

They would never be the best of friends again and Soyeon knew she'd always keep her guard up around Minnie, but there was no anger now, only determination to build this bond and pure love for the girls as her found family. “I promise,” Soyeon said. 

Later, Miyeon would tell her that Minnie told her everything. “I should've known,” Miyeon laughed, “I should've asked for your permission first before I pursued her.”

Soyeon shook her head. “No, Miyeon. Thanks for saving us the drama.”

Miyeon grinned. “I'm genuinely sorry though, for ever causing you pain.”

“Never,” Soyeon said, and it was true, it was never Miyeon who had hurt her—it was just herself and Minnie. Their relationship was theirs; it was theirs to protect or to ruin. They chose the latter. It was on them. “I'm glad it all worked out now.”

“I know,” Miyeon said, nudging her. “I always thought Yuqi was straight.”

Soyeon laughed. “I thought you were straight!”

After their first concert overseas, they decided to go on Vlive to talk to their fans, but not after spending a few minutes on a call with Soojin. The experience was insane in Soyeon's head. They had dreamed of this for so long—the six of them—and there was so much pain in her heart that they couldn't share this together, but also relief due to how despite everything, they were still together. 

The years had brought so many changes in their lives, and yet here there were. The pride and the joy, they all shared them. The frustration and the burden, they shared those too.

After the live, after being shown love and appreciation that for now served as a good thing, the five girls sat across from each other in Soyeon's hotel room. Shuhua was at the corner trying to get Soojin back on the phone so they could talk more while Yuqi and Miyeon were on the balcony taking pictures. On the bed were Soyeon and Minnie, sitting away from each other. 

Minnie caught her looking and frowned, “What'd I do now?”

She rolled her eyes. “Is it a crime to look at you?”

“I mean, I'm way too nice to look at so probably not,” Minnie grinned, “and you also don't look like you wanna strangle me anymore, so maybe this is a win.”

Soyeon threw a pillow at her which caused her to squeak in laughter. “I preferred it when we were not friends.”

“So never?”

She knew she was supposed to say something smart back, but the thought sent her somewhere. It was just Soyeon and Minnie at first, and it was still them now. So much had changed and yet they were still the kids that only dreamed of this. Now here they were, in a completely different country, loved by countless people around the world. 

So much love and resentment lived between them, but now it was just the former. “I read some comments,” Soyeon said instead, putting the phone down. “They said it's been looking like we don't get along.”

Minnie laughed. “We don't.”

“Some of them think we were never close.”

At this, they both snorted. “If only they know.”

“It's true though,” Soyeon urged, “we never appear that close on camera.”

“We were too scared we'd raise suspicions,” Minnie agreed.

“We have nothing to be afraid of now.”

Minnie grinned. “Right.”

“You know,” Soyeon wondered, “if we weren't workmates, we would do the first thing we could to stay further away from each other after everything.”

“If we weren't workmates, maybe we would've worked out.”

She chuckled. “We were never gonna work out.” It hurt to say it but the moment it left her lips, she knew it was true. “When we're young, we say the most absurd things like ‘I'm gonna change the world’ or ‘I'm gonna love you forever.’”

Minnie cracked up with her. “I'm glad we're workmates then, because I don't think I can afford to just lose you like that.”

“Me too, Minnie,” she said, watching Yuqi and Miyeon make their way toward them, giggling loudly while looking at the pictures they took of each other. Smiling, she repeated, “Me too.”

If realizing that she liked Minnie was the most exhilarating experience in Soyeon's teenage life, then finally getting over her was the most rewarding.