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“What, you’re not scared, are you?”
Leia’s tongue darted teasingly between her teeth as she surveyed Han’s indignant expression.
“Scared? Yeah, fifty years of flying from one end of this galaxy to the other, and a kriffin’ haunted house is what really gets to me.” Han raised a reprimanding eyebrow at Leia’s audacity, which only drew a smug smirk from her mouth.
“So what is your excuse for disappointing the eager hearts of youth,” Leia said, with the tone of elegant drama that was usually reserved only for the Senate floor or inescapable charity functions. She pressed a hand to her chest in emphasis. “As well as abandoning your beloved wife to an onslaught of ghosts and ghouls?”
“You spent twenty-five years in the Senate, sweetheart. You’ve seen plenty of ghosts and ghouls.”
Leia’s composure broke with a snort of laughter. “Fine. I want you to come, obviously. But my curiosity has been peaked. I have to know this terrible secret you’re harbouring. Why don’t you want to visit an amusement park’s silly little haunted house?”
Han sighed, leaning back in his armchair as he surveyed her, his sharp eyes assessing his best way around this. Leia quirked an eyebrow, resolute, and Han rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he exclaimed. Leia’s smug smirk returned. “I don’t like those things, because whenever I’m in them I always end up getting lost.”
“Lost?” Leia said incredulously.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, princess, but it’s dark as hell in there. It’s a kriffin maze to start with, and then you’ve got every idiot in the galaxy shoving their way round you.”
“Han… you fly in space.”
“It’s not the same thing,” Han said with a dismissive hand. Leia’s mouth was agape, and she seemed torn between laughing and arguing. “I’ve got a nav, in the Falcon! And I can see what’s coming towards me. Not hard to avoid something that’s about to take out half your ship.”
“But what about… Han, I don’t know, every single crowded city you’ve visited in your life?” Leia said in dismay. “Every time you’ve been surrounded by stormtroopers or bounty hunters or whatever trouble is following you around that day?”
“Tryna pretend like you’re not the main attraction of that trouble,” Han muttered as he got up and headed towards the kitchen. “Being married to you should come with an insurance policy, sweetheart.”
“Thirty-five years and you seem to be doing just fine,” Leia quipped. “But what in the world is so different about avoiding some ghost droid than someone murdering for pay?”
“People are predictable,” said Han, pouring out some cold kaf he’d grabbed from the fridge. “Make the same mistakes. Easy to know what they’re gonna do, especially when they’re reacting to pressure. Those droids aren’t reacting to anything – they’re just programmed to scare you, right? But it’s just kriffin annoying, and it doesn’t make any sense.” He took a gulp of kaf. “Why the heck would someone try to block off their own escape route?”
Leia’s eyes narrowed curiously as she surveyed him. “Okay. Point taken. But I’m sure together we can defeat the threats to the galaxy that are droid ghosts.”
“Well, yeah, but…” Han said more quietly, looking like he was trying to avoid admitting something. “It’s still gonna throw me off, and I’ll probably lose you in the crowd anyway. And then I’ll look an idiot, and I’ll be hearing about it every kriffin day from those kids tryna call themselves generals. And then from the whole air base, too,” Han added, waving a finger at Leia, as if Poe and Finn’s proclivity for winding Han up was somehow her fault.
“Ahh, I see,” she said with a knowing smile. “You’re afraid of losing face in front of the recruits.”
“I’m not afraid of a bunch of kids, princess,” Han told her smarmily. “I just don’t wanna make my job any harder than it needs to be.”
“I disagree,” Leia said, getting up from the sofa and sauntering over to him. “I think you’re afraid. Of a little haunted house, a few ghost droids and a base full of pilots.”
Han drew himself up as Leia approached, a smug smile plastered on her face, and stared challengingly down at her. “You’re not gonna taunt me into getting your way, sweetheart.”
“Of course not,” Leia said archly, running her hands down Han’s chest and playing absent-mindedly with his shirt buttons. “I know you don’t want to come. And honestly, I understand. Better to leave the haunted house to the aficionados, and you can have a nice, relaxing evening by yourself.”
Han’s eyes narrowed, his jaw clenching. Leia’s poker face remained flawless.
“Fine,” he said impishly. “But I’m throwing you to the first haunted sarlacc we find.”
“If you don’t get lost,” Leia smirked.
*
“Solo! You came!”
Poe’s excited bellow travelled easily across the crowds gathered outside the haunted house.
“Kriff, how does he do that?” Han muttered. “I swear that kid can see for miles.”
“I’ve heard some pilots are supposed to have good eyesight, but I wouldn’t know from experience,” she said, utterly deadpan.
Han’s fingers squeezed harshly around her waist, drawing a delighted yelp from Leia. “I will hunt down that sarlacc myself,” he growled in her ear.
They pulled apart just as they emerged from the crowd to reach their co-adventurers, Leia’s face an instant picture of composure.
“Oh, so you’re all prepared, I see?” she said, surveying their range of outfits so full of bomber jackets, weapons belts and heavy boots, they looked ready to embark on some audacious off-regulation jaunt into unbeknown danger on a far-away trip around the galaxy.
(Or what was considered a fun weekend outing, for her boisterous and irrepressible family.)
“Hey, isn’t that cheating?” Han asked, nodding at the lightsaber hilt tucked subtly away under Rey’s tunic.
“It’s always good to be prepared,” she told him, amusingly primly, shifting her belt so the lightsaber was better hidden.
“See, this is what makes Rey such an excellent teacher for the future Jedi of the galaxy,” Finn said, clapping a hand on her shoulder. Rey beamed, a little smugly.
“Yeah, yeah,” Han said breezily, but utterly unable to hide the pride on his face. “Alright, we doing this then?”
“Hey,” Luke said in an undertone, nudging his arm as they wandered towards the line. “You, er – you know what we’re doing, right?”
Han looked at him incredulously. “You don’t?”
“I’ve never been to one!”
“What the – alright, well, as long as you don’t get lost, you’ll be fine.”
“People get lost in there?” Luke asked, his surprised tone and baffled expression disguising, for a brief moment, his usually wise and all-knowing persona under a cloak of naïve innocence.
“Yeah... yeah,” Han said, a little too casually. “It happens – you know, occasionally.”
Luke surveyed him carefully, but Han merely raised an eyebrow back, reminding Luke he was the one who taught Han the handy trick of shutting his mind off to Force manipulation, lest he fall victim to slightly over-zealous Jedi youth.
“Tickets?” asked the droid at the entrance. Rose carefully counted out seven slim translucent tiles. They were closely inspected by the droid, before the metal door slid open with a clanging grate, which drew a pained wince from Rose. Rey frowned, and brushed a hand across the door as they walked through; it closed noiselessly behind them.
“Where is everyone?” Luke asked, as the group stood in silent darkness, disturbed only by faint, ominous music, creaking floorboards from an undetectable location, and an uncomfortable rustling sound around their feet.
“They stagger the entry so you’re on your own,” Poe said cheerily. “Keeps the suspense. Alright, this way, I think.” He began heading off down a corridor to their right, followed by an eager Rey, then a slightly more suspicious Finn and Rose, behind whom was a curious Luke, eyes darting over the shrouded scene around them – which left Han and Leia trailing at the back.
“Well, as long as we follow Poe, I’m sure we’ll be fine,” Leia said, slipping her fingers into Han’s.
“Where is he taking us?” Han asked, craning his neck slightly to see where Poe was headed towards.
“I have absolutely no idea. I assume to wherever he thinks is the most interesting part.”
Han made a small, amused noise at the back of this throat. They turned the corner, passing several narrow corridors to their right and left, but Poe continued on. “I can think of something pretty interesting,” Han murmured to Leia. “If you wanna play hooky.”
“Oh? Already willing to test your powers of navigation?”
“I’m putting a lot of faith in your Jedi powers to get us out of here,” Han told her. “But I’ve got a few other things I can interest you in.”
“Mm?” said Leia innocently, skirting effortlessly around a sheet of cobwebs that slung down at them from the ceiling. “I’m intrigued, I’ll admit, but I can’t say I’m persuaded to abandon the possibilities of adventure just yet.”
“Looking to be impressed, sweetheart?” Han said, his arm snapping out to stop the approaching miniature bantha in its tracks without so much as a blink.
“I guess it depends what you consider impressive.” She paused, shooting a sly smile up at him. Her fingers moved in a rhythmic wave over the floor, drawing the carpet of smoke rolling over it upwards to spiral delicately around Han. His eyes widened slightly in awe, his mouth spreading into a delighted, mischievous smile.
“Well,” Han said, his voice slightly huskier as he swept Leia’s fingers up in his own. “I guess we all have our talents.” He brushed his lips across her skin, his warm breath drawing a shiver against the icy coolness of the corridor around them. Leia’s eyes twinkled up at him, her mouth falling slightly open as her tongue darted across her bottom lip.
A loud crash from the other end of the corridor tore them from their reverie.
“Fuck – Poe! What the fuck was that?” Finn’s angry voice echoed over the eerie music towards them, followed by collision of shouts between Rey, Rose and Poe.
Leia and Han shot each other a curious, amused look, and then headed further down the gloomy corridor towards the sounds of chaos. The light flickering from the glowrod lamps only dimmed as they reached a net of leafy mesh hanging over a low, crumbling arch that marked their way into the next room. Han pushed it cautiously aside, and they peered through.
“Oh – careful, that– ”
Luke’s warning was broken by the enormous mynock hurtling towards them as they shimmied through the mesh. Leia ducked, her small frame narrowly avoiding it, but Han was cuffed brashly round the head, letting out a series of expletives that reverberated around the room as they emerged. Finn stood against the far wall, rubbing his shoulder and muttering darkly to Poe.
“That was not a droid,” Rose said insistently from the middle of the room. She was looking slightly unnerved, casting glances at the ceiling above them, with Rey’s arm slipped between hers.
“It could have been a holo-environmental overlay,” Rey suggested contemplatively.
“What was it?” Han asked, shaking the remains of the mesh leaves off his arms.
“Some huge-ass ghoul came right towards me,” Finn exclaimed, looking slightly affronted at this personal attack. “And then just before it was about to hit me, it vanished in thin air!”
“It was a projection,” Luke told him.
“It was not a – I felt its breath!” Finn insisted indignantly.
“Alright, look – let’s just head to the next room,” Poe said placatingly. “Doesn’t matter what it was now, it’s gone - let's go see what’s next.”
Finn grumbled something under his breath, but didn’t protest any further as Poe slipped a hand through his and led him around some ominously rocking furniture towards a ramp at the other end of the room.
Leia peered around them curiously. “Was it a projection?” she asked Luke.
He looked at her assuredly. “It had to be.”
Leia’s eyes flicked over to Han for a moment, raising an intrigued eyebrow at him, and then the three headed through the room.
“Looks like we’re going down a level,” Han murmured, squinting down to the end of the steep ramp. Luke jumped effortlessly over it, sailing down to the floor with a soft thud.
“It’s a bit gooey!” he called up.
“Gooey?”
It was, indeed, a patchwork of wooden slats and growing sludge when they reached the floor, which their rancor-skin boots were thankfully impervious to, but it still drew a wrinkle from their noses at its rotten-egg smell.
“Charming,” Leia said dryly.
“Hey – where did the others go?” Han asked, peering around in the now almost non-existent light.
“We’re over here!” called Rey, her voice muted eerily by what felt like foggy interference in the air.
“Where’s ‘here’?” Leia replied, moving hesitantly in what seemed like the right direction.
“It’s –”
Rey’s voice was cut off by a thunderous rumble around the room. The walls began to tremble, the fixtures holding tenuously on them rattling ominously. Han reached quickly for Leia’s hand, just as wave of deep magenta smoke poured into the room.
“What the –”
Leia choked slightly, waving it away from her nose. “It smells like some sort of… perfume,” she said in confusion.
“What kind of haunted house is perfumed?” Han asked, batting their way through the smoke.
“I’ve no idea – Rey, where are you?”
The room was quiet except for the faint sound of rushing wind, and a low drip, drip, drip from a corner somewhere.
“Room’s empty,” Han observed suspiciously as the smoke cleared, frowning in concern at what seemed like an empty shack around them.
“Where did they go?” Leia asked, moving round with the room. “I don’t see a door.” Her free hand ran across the walls. “Ow!” she winced, snatching her hand away.
“What is it?” Han asked in concern, reaching up to take the fingers she was now clenching against her lips.
“Something bit me!” she exclaimed, letting Han run his rough pads over her stinging hand.
“Bit you?”
“Right from the wall!”
Han followed the direction of her gaze, eyeing it ominously. “Come on, let’s get out of here,” he said darkly, letting go of her sore fingers to slip a slightly protective arm around her waist.
“Over there,” Leia nodded, and they headed towards a small door that seemed to have appeared out of thin air in the corner of the room.
“I don’t like this.”
“I can hear voices – we must be near the centre again,” Leia said, pushing at the door. It remained still.
“Hang on, I think it’s got a code,” Han murmured, jabbing away at a series of digits on a keypad to its side. The door breezed open.
“How did you know that?” Leia asked in surprise as they walked through it.
“Was on the tickets. Memorised it just in case,” Han said. He gave her a slightly cocky smile, and got an amused but undoubtedly impressed smirk in response.
They appeared to be in another long corridor, as empty as the room they’d just left.
“Where are they?” Leia asked.
“Probably in another room heading our way – look, let’s wait here,” Han said, pulling at her to stop.
“I don’t see any doors,” frowned Leia in concern.
“Yeah, well, we didn’t see that last one til it was right in front of us,” Han reminded her. “Come on,” he said, his tone shifting slightly as he tugged her gently towards him. “Finally got you alone.”
“Oh, so this was your ploy?” Leia said teasingly, sliding her hands around Han’s waist nonetheless as he encircled her shoulders with his arms.
“Did I not win you over cracking the code to get us here?” Han asked her roguishly.
“Mm, that was an impressive bit of deduction.”
“Good job I’m here, sweetheart,” Han said, leaning down towards her. “You’d be lost without me, otherwise.”
“I don’t doubt that,” she murmured, humming happily as he stole the tail of her words with a kiss. Han’s fingers toyed affectionately with the elaborate neck of her silky tunic, probably a little too expensive to be dragged through the smoky muck of a haunted house.
“I forgot to tell you how much I like this one.” Han sucked lightly on her bottom lip as his hands ran over her shoulders.
“I think I get the idea,” Leia responded, drawing a low, amused chuckle from Han.
“See,” he said, pulling her tighter against him. “This is much more fun.”
Leia smiled, sighing a little as her head tipped back and they slid into a kiss probably far deeper than was appropriate for two seasoned New Republic leaders, tenuously but still prestigiously affiliated with the new government, in the middle of a haunted house on a Saturday night. Neither of them had a care in the world, though.
“If only we could get lost somewhere a little more private,” Leia mumbled teasingly against his lips, nipping slightly at one of them.
“Oh, now you’re fine with getting lost?” Han mocked, brushing kisses against her jawline.
Leia laughed, tipping her head back further as Han reached her neck. “If it has its advantages, yes.” She gasped as Han hit a particularly sensitive spot, clutching a little tighter at his jacket. “Or perhaps we could just hurry home.”
Han grinned against her skin in what she was sure was smugness. “Yeah, I’d be on board with that.” He pressed one final kiss against her lips, then slid his hands down to entwine with hers. “Come on. They haven’t turned up – let’s head out of here.”
“Well, I’m not entirely sure where here is,” Leia admitted, as they wandered slowly through the gloom. The air had become suspiciously damp, slightly salty as if they were standing on the muggy shore of the sea. The metal panels echoed under their shoes, the sound of something uncomfortably cavernous underneath.
“The door’s shut again,” Leia said in frustration. “Why is there never any exit?”
“Sorry, princess, but aren’t you used to breaking out of places?” Han asked. “How are you getting thwarted by a little haunted house after tight escapes from bucket heads?”
Leia glared, drawing a satisfied smirk from Han.
“Look, there’s a circuit board,” he said, nodding at the side of the door. “I’m just gonna rig it.” He pulled out his elaborate pen knife from his weapons belt, and began prizing open the circuit board casing, which came off the wall with a satisfying click. “Kriff, what is this?” he muttered.
“Is that a bad ‘what is this’?” Leia asked, peering round him.
“It’s a who built this damn thing ‘what is this’,” Han said, poking through the mass of wires. “Half this shit doesn’t connect – how have they got power going through them…?” Han trailed off, muttering to himself as he began twisting away at the wires.
“Can you get us out of here?” Leia asked, pressing a kiss against his back as she slipped her arms around his waist.
“Yeah, yeah…” Han murmured distractedly. Leia smiled, grazing her hands lower down his waist until they were resting on his hips, her thumbs just brushing the curve of his ass. Han was silent, still intently fiddling with the circuit board in front of him. Leia’s hands wandered further down, sliding over Han’s legs, until –
“Princess,” Han said warningly, as her palms splayed across his thighs. “I’m trying to figure this out.”
“I can see that,” she said, letting her hands move teasingly inwards nonetheless.
“Leia,” Han repeated, trying not to laugh through his attempt at a rebuke.
“Surely you’re an experienced enough mechanic not to get distracted?”
Han’s breath hitched as he tried to bat away the hands that were now sliding over his crotch. “Would you…”
Leia bit down on the side of his arm with a smile.
“Weren’t you the one who wanted to get home?” Han asked, his voice slightly strained as he gave up on fighting her determined fingers in an effort to reconfigure the circuit board.
“I doubt this is a disincentive,” Leia said in a low voice, pressing the heel of her hand unabashedly against him.
“Leia,” Han said through gritted teeth. His knife slipped on one of the wires, slicing through it with a spark – and the door in front of them sprang open. They jumped back, shooting a suprised look at each other.
“Alright, well,” Han said hesitantly. He pulled out his blaster, and they crept slowly down the corridor.
“Why is it so quiet?” Leia asked. “We haven’t seen a single person since we lost the others.”
“I know,” Han said in concern. “I don’t like this. Something’s off.”
It was almost pitch black, although purple in the eerie glow from… somewhere they couldn’t see. There were no visible lights, but the oval room was still somehow disorientingly illuminated.
“This might be a time for some of that Jedi guidance, sweetheart.”
“I don’t know if I can just… find the exit so specifically,” Leia said. She closed her eyes anyway, taking a deep breath as she tried to sink into the Force amidst her nervousness and the disturbances around her.. and the feeling of Han watching her avidly.
“Would you stop?” she asked, peeling one eye open and catching his rapt expression. “I can’t focus with you ogling me.”
“I’m not ogling,” he said, but moved away from her anyway to inspect a series of what seemed like brainworms lining the wall, casting her one more entranced glance from over his shoulder.
Leia breathed out heavily through her nose, trying to reach something she didn’t even know how to look for. All she could feel were familiar glimmers in the Force. She sighed.
“Well, I can’t conjure up a map to get us out of here,” she said dryly. “But the rest of them are that way.” She nodded towards the corner of the room.
“Thanks, sweetheart,” Han said, dropping a kiss atop her head, which drew a sweet and slightly bashful smile from Leia.
They peeled open a curtain of cobwebs, leading them through to yet another dark, quiet corridor.
“This feels like the same one as before,” Leia murmured. “Are we just going round in circles?”
“Can’t be,” Han said, peering suspiciously round at their surroundings. “Came out through a different exit.”
Leia stopped suddenly, grabbing Han’s arm. “Listen – can you hear that?”
“Here what?”
“That shaking?”
A small explosion ripped through the air, and they jumped round, Han’s blaster in front of them as a herd of ice spiders appeared out of nowhere.
“What the…”
“Run,” Leia said urgently, grasping Han’s free hand. “Run!”
She yanked him hard, and they leapt back, sprinting down the corridor. They curved to a sharp left, slipping slightly on the damp floors, running as fast as they could down the endless gloom.
“Where the fuck is this going?” Han shouted.
“I don’t know... how are they still following us?”
They reached a dead end, stopping, panting in front of us. “It’s wood,” Han said, hitting at the wall. “Sweetheart, help me out here.”
Han thumped hard at the rough wooden slats, shaking the wall as Leia calmly reached out, focusing hard – and then the wall fell away in a crash, throwing dust and splinters into the air as light blazed suddenly in front of them.
“Did we…?” began Leia, squinting at the glowrod-torches blazing in the dark night air.
“I think so,” Han said, stepping over the remains of the wall onto the grass. Excited shouting and the sound of rollercoasters flittered round from the other side of the haunted house.
“I guess that’s one way of getting out,” Leia said. They looked round at each other, faces still frozen in surprise, before they burst out into laughter.
“This was your idea!” Han said, poking her affectionately in the chest.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Leia replied wickedly. “All I suggested was a fun evening with our friends in a perfectly harmless haunted house.”
“Harmless?” Han smirked.
“Well. We got out, didn’t we?”
“Yeah, some pretty good teamwork, huh sweetheart?” Han brushed some loose hair out of her forehead.
“I’d hope so,” replied Leia, running her fingers down the edges of his lapels. Han gave a small huff of laughter. “I wonder where the others are? We should probably wait for them.”
“Mm,” Han said, leaning forward.
Leia watched him with sparkling eyes as his hands slid down to her hips, nudging her gently backwards. Her mouth spread into a slow smile as she let herself be moved slowly across the grass, utterly unconcerned with where she was going as Han held her in his heated gaze, until her back collided softly with the side of the wall that was still standing. Han’s eyes drank in her face hungrily, drawing a small gasp from Leia, before he captured the sound in his mouth with lustful abandon. They were oblivious to the cacophony of the fair beyond the house, and the low, eerie music still emerging from it; Han pressed Leia into the wall, slipping a knee between her legs as her hands pulled insistently at his arms.
“About that incentive for getting home…” Han murmured into her ear, rolling his hips into Leia and drawing a tremulous moan from her lips.
“I’m definitely… very interested in that,” she gasped, as Han sucked lightly at her ear, his hands running dangerously up her waist. “Do you think the others – what if something happened?”
“They’ve got two Jedi,” Han reminded her, kissing the corners of her mouth. “And Rose is smarter than the rest of them put together.”
“That’s a good point,” Leia agreed breathlessly.
“And if we don’t get home I’m gonna have to find a way to get you off over these clothes outdoors,” Han growled against her. Leia’s knees buckled.
“Also a good point.”
“That wouldn’t be a good look for a princess.”
“No, I rather think…” Leia’s words caught in her throat as Han’s fingers snuck between her legs. Her head tipped back for a moment, and then she wrestled some determination from within herself, and pushed insistently at his chest. “Home,” she said firmly. “Now.”
Han grinned. “Yeah, you know...” he said, running his eyes unabashedly over Leia’s flushed, heaving body. “I’d say this haunted house was worth it.”