Work Text:
Mika’s voice lifted into the dim light of the bedroom before their breathing had even returned to normal.
“Nnnyyyaaah, Oshi-San,” Shuu turned his head to look into Mika’s eyes, a very slight movement since Mika’s head was on his shoulder. “Y’make me feel so good .”
His lips turned up into a happy little smile, and he closed his lilac eyes to lean the short distance, pressing a soft, loving kiss to Mika’s lips. “As do you, sweet one.” By default, Shuu was a workaholic, but even he appreciated times like this, where he didn’t have anything that needed to pull him from the bliss of Mika’s arms for a few days. They had spent this past weekend together, one of the longest non-working periods they had had since they had officially become an item. (This was not Shuu’s favorite way to label what had happened, but truth be told, he didn’t like any way of labeling it. He just liked Mika, had for so long. Finally, he could say he had them all to himself.)
Mika stretched a little in his arms, his porcelain skin still glistening with sweat, and Shuu couldn’t resist using his other hand to gently trail his fingers down, beginning at his collar bone and across his chest, along his belly. Mika giggled, sighing before reaching to stop his hand, leaning for another kiss, two more, three. “Love ya…”
“I love you, Kagehira.” Shuu whispered gently, hand coming back up, cupping his cheek, thumb stroking. “I’m so happy.” For a moment, Shuu relished looking into mismatched eyes, enjoying their speckles of color, like a painting by Georges Seurat. There was a time early on when he had not seen the beauty of Mika’s eyes, his cheerful demeanor, him in general. Then, everything was Nito. He was blinded to any other beauty in the world around him, and there was not a day that went by that he wasn’t grateful that that time was over.
After a few minutes, Mika blinked shyly, still so self conscious about his eyes. Shuu might have said something, but Mika beat him to it. “I never dreamed we could be here, Oshi-San. That you’d be with me.” He smiled at Shuu, reaching for his hand, fingers intertwining with Shuu’s longer digits. “Y’know, I…I never…” Mika’s face flushed nearly crimson, and he motioned between them in the bed. “With anyone before you. I mean, I didn’ have time, workin’ so hard obviously, we didn’ have time t’be doin’ all this…but ‘m so glad it’s been us, Oshi-San, you ‘n’ me. That this started with us.”
And just like that, Shuu’s smile nearly fell completely. He hadn’t really thought about the day that he’d have to talk to Mika about his sexual past. True, he probably should have up front, at least, that sounded like the textbook answer. He squeezed Mika’s hand gently. “Mon sucre d’orge…I cannot tell you how much it means to me, that you care so deeply for me. And that we are together. And I love our life, making art and traveling and making love…” He swallowed. “And I know I was your first, and I treasure the knowledge that you gave me that gift. But…” He could see a question beginning to churn in the two rings of Pointillism staring at him, and that made his stomach twist anxiously. “The truth is, I have been with someone else.”
“Oh.” Mika looked down at the crack that their two bodies pressed together formed, he felt extra naked suddenly, like he had disrobed in the Ensemble Square lobby. It was strange to feel so self conscious again. He immediately began to side step and counter the barrage of self loathing thoughts that hit him. Of course he had been with someone else, Shuu had refined tastes and loved beautiful things. But Mika had watched him, had been with him for so long even before Shuu had taken to looking at him as more than just a stage partner. He blinked, glancing up at him. “But a long time ago, I get that.”
Shuu shook his head. “Yes, and no. I…” Mika was staring at him now, and Shuu suddenly felt himself break into a cold sweat. “You have to understand, with Nito I…” The name dragged Mika into an upright position like he had been lifted by his strings. He hadn’t ever made his peace with Nazuna-Nii, even despite Shuu’s requests he do so, and his skin burned hot at the idea of Shuu and Nito like this, like them. “Mika, please…”
But Mika remained sitting upright, legs swung over the side of the bed, his back to Shuu. “What are you tellin’ me, Oshi-San? That ya fucked Nazuna-Nii?”
Wincing, Shuu sat up. “Don’t say such an ugly word, not from your beautiful lips,” Mika looked over his shoulder, eyes narrowed and Shuu sighed. “I….yes.”
Mika nodded, swallowing past the sensation of ‘I knew it’. “But that woulda been ‘fore he left us. So years ago.” His shoulders relaxed a little as he said that, talking himself down from the panic of potential betrayal. He turned towards Shuu, expecting relief on his face, but was nearly startled to see regret in his eyes.
Licking his lips, the older man sighed. “I wish I could tell you yes, I wish I could give you that, Mika, I wish you knew how much I want to give you that.” They both teetered on the tension between them as Shuu worked up the nerve to continue, doing so in a quieter voice. “My feelings for Nito were complicated, and unhealthy, something I didn’t learn for a long time. And after Nito left, I acted on them in a terrible place in my mind. We didn’t carry on the whole time since, but once in a while we’d be brought together through school or work and…”
“Tanabata,” Mika croaked, his chest tight with pain. “And after Tanabata?”
Shuu nodded. “Yes.”
Mika took a deep breath that sounded spastic and shaky and Shuu wanted so desperately to help him. He moved ever so slightly and Mika held up a hand. “Oshi-San, that whole time, I was so in love with ya. All I wanted was for ya to see me th’way I saw you. I thought with Nazuna-nii gone y…” He shook his head. “Yer tellin’ me he wasn’t though.”
“Listen to me,” Shuu begged, reaching to turn Mika to face him fully, hands both moving to clasp either side of his face. “All these years I saw you, okay? That’s why I’ve pushed you so hard to be human, to care for yourself. Because you deserve to be healthy, and to have happiness and to know that you are beautiful. You are. The difference between us and me and Nito is that I don’t need to own you and control you. And I know you think that’s a bad thing, Mika, I know. But it isn’t.”
“Can’t be good, Oshi-San. Means y’don’t want me the same that ya wanted him. Y’needed him so much.” Mika’s eyes were welled with tears now, and Shuu leaned to kiss his forehead.
“How wrong you are, Mika. I want you more. I was infatuated with Nito, and yes, I did want and need him because of that. But I want and need you because I’m in love with you. I was never in love with Nito. If I could go back now and be a different person I think I would, but only if I knew I’d still end up with you if I did.” That broke the floodgates for Mika, tears rolled hot down his face and Shuu immediately kissed them away. “Oh my sweet, ma poupette, y-a-t-il quelque chose que j’aime plus que toi ?”
Shuu’s hands were gentle, caressing his face steadily and Mika sighed, because he didn’t know what Shuu had asked, but he could certainly feel how loved he was. His own hands came up to cover Shuu’s at last and he smiled meekly at his lover. “I dunno what that means, Oshi-San, but yer so good at sayin’ it.”
“It means that I won’t ever love anyone the way I love you, and I never have. And I never want to.” Shuu professed warmly, his voice thick with emotion, low and coated in love deep in his chest. It was the same place he sang from. “I’m sorry I never told you the truth before. I promise I won’t keep secrets from you again.”
“Well,” Mika sniffled. “You can keep some secrets, like presents and surprises.” It was his gentle way of letting Shuu know they’d be okay. As long as they had the important things out in the open. Leaning, he pecked the tip of Shuu’s nose, wiping at the drying trails on his face. “‘M tired. Let’s sleep.”
They eased down to lay again, Mika sliding easily into Shuu’s arms. This time, Shuu held him more tightly, clutching his warmth close. He had thought he was really going to lose it for a moment there, and that idea was unbearable. As bad as he was expressing himself, talking about things, he was never going to risk that again. Settling his chin in Mika’s hair, he nuzzled gently, humming the melody of Cloth Waltz softly into the room now until they both drifted off into sleep.
Translations:
Mon sucre d’orge: my candy
Ma poupette: my doll, my puppet
Y-a-t-il quelque chose que j’aime plus que toi?: is there anything I love more than you?