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He was dying.
He was actually dying.
This was not one of the simulated deaths that took place on Summoner’s Rift. The kind where you could respawn, in pain and sore but whole back at the magical healing fountain in your base.
This was his real physical body dying, his soul dwindling away to nothing.
It hurt so, so much.
He had always thought he would die adventuring, like his parents. Caught in a trap. Surrounded by guards or mummies. Eaten by a giant snake. Starved at the bottom of a pit. Impaled by spikes. Cursed by an ancient amulet. He had spent far too much time imagining the demise of his parents or calculating how he could slip up and meet his own end. The list went on and on.
He never thought it would happen like this.
It felt anticlimactic, somehow.
It felt pathetic.
He did not want to die like this.
He did not want to die, period.
He was terrified.
He was only twenty years old. He felt like he had accomplished nothing.
Why him?
Ezreal stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, clutching the side of the sink, holding himself up weakly. His shallow breaths echoed off of the tile in the small room. He could not stop shaking.
He felt another wave coming on.
It was getting worse by the day, the sickness spreading and taking hold.
He could not even brace himself for the pain when he knew it was coming.
He felt faint.
He glared at his reflection out of sunken eyes, the runes on his high cheekbones once brilliant and bright now dim and flickering.
Damn it.
It was all his fault that he was like this, too.
If he was just different…Less cocky and arrogant, less narcissistic, maybe things would not have turned out this way.
He cursed himself as the world went dark.
-
One month earlier.
-
Ezreal had a tickle in his throat.
It was annoying as hell.
He cleared his throat several times, but it wouldn’t go away.
He must be coming down with a cold or something.
But he was not going to let it stop him, he had a match to get to.
He swallowed when he was who he was up against in lane.
No big deal.
It’s fine.
His palms were sweating, his knees felt weak.
He used to have to fight against Lux all the time when he had a schoolboy crush on her. And this was just the same as that.
Right?
-
Fighting against Kai’Sa was exhilarating like nothing else. She anticipated his moves, weaving in and out of his attacks with practiced ease born of years of fighting for her survival.
Her keen eyes tracking his movements made his heart race. Her penetrating gaze never left him for more than a millisecond, darting between him, the minions, and back to him again. Trying to read his attacks, his steps, watching his hands, his legs with unblinking eyes. It made him suppress a shiver.
The burning sensation of her plasma missiles hitting him sent a strange wave of pleasure through him. It hurt, but it felt good, too.
-
His health was low, so he did was he did best, he ran away.
Unfortunately, Kai’Sa was close on his heels, chasing him down the river.
She calculated the direction and speed at which he was running and aimed a flawless plasma missle, marking his shoulder. He cried out in pain, stumbling but catching himself and running faster. He knew it was pointless, that she would catch up to him once he was marked. But he refused to give up. He might just make it out alive.
She teleported behind him and he ducked into the dragon pit, hoping to Arcane Shift between the cave wall and escape but she cornered him, tackling him to the ground before he could activate his gauntlet.
She was on top of him and had him pinned to the ground, which would be extremely arousing if it wasn’t for the sharp claw at his throat and her shoulder cannons glowing menacingly, plasma charged and ready to decimate him into a fine paste.
The uncomfortable tickle suddenly became unbearable, he felt his throat start to seize. She had his arms pinned so he couldn’t move to cough into his elbow.
Oh no. He cringed internally, unable to stop it.
He coughed straight into her face.
She squinted through the shower of sunflower petals that fluttered at her.
She blinked.
“What just happened?” Kai’Sa asked, staring down at him in shock.
“I think… I just coughed up flowers?” Ezreal said with dawning horror.
It couldn’t be.
He had heard legends about Hanahaki disease before. But they couldn’t be true… could they?
There’s no way.
She raised an eyebrow.
“Why?” She asked simply.
Ezreal forced down a hysterical laugh.
Unrequited love.
Which leads to a slow, agonizing death.
Just his luck.
“It’s probably something Lulu did to me when she polymorphed me.” He lied, sweating. Kai’Sa had been just a child when she had been lost to the void. And she only just recently got back to Runeterra. It makes sense that she would not know what Hanahaki was. She had never heard the legends, the horror stories passed down through generations.
She narrowed her eyes at him, leaning closer. “Lulu has not fought in this match.”
“…Residual polymorph effects?” Ezreal squeaked, trying to lean away but only succeeding in mashing his hair further into the dirt.
She grasped his face with one hand, her other hand still holding his arms in place above his head.
“Mmf?”
She applied pressure to his cheeks, popping his jaw open. Curiously squinting, she loomed over him and looked into his mouth closely.
He was almost at first base! Maybe this whole Hanahaki thing wasn’t so bad, after all.
Kai’Sa sat back, looking down at him with a frown. “Can you do that again?” She asked.
“Uh…Give me a second.” Ezreal said between her fingers and thumb, stalling for time while thinking frantically. The woman he was in love with was literally sitting on top of him, what more did he need to get the flower stuff going? How did it work?
He had Hanahaki disease. Did he need to think about how much she did not feel the same way he felt?
His throat and chest suddenly felt tight, like someone was stepping on him, crushing him.
He stopped caring if Kai’Sa wanted to see him do it again, it hurt too much physically and mentally to think about. It felt like his chest was going to burst, he groaned in pain, petals rising in his throat. Kai’Sa’s brow furrowed with what looked like worry.
“Are you alr-“ she started.
Nami popped her head into the dragon pit. “Hurry up and kill him!” She called, dropping a ward.
Kai’Sa’s head snapped from Nami to Ezreal.
Ezreal gave her a weak smile.
At least she finished him off quickly.
-
Word traveled fast in the League champion dorms and soon everyone was talking about Ezreal. Which he would have loved, had it been under any other circumstance. Everyone was speculating about who could be the recipient of his unwanted affections. Most (in some cases literal) bets (thanks, Tahm Kench and Twisted Fate) were on Luxanna Crownguard.
For years, Ezreal had boasted about how he was going to marry into the Crownguard family despite never having actually spoken to Lux before. Practically the whole population of Runeterra knew of his infamous crush on the Demacian.
As well-known as his crush was the fact that Lux and Jinx were an item. They had been dating for the past year, caught up in a whirlwind romance.
-
The next day, a polite knock echoed on the other side of Ezreal’s door.
He stared listlessly at his locked door, debating on ignoring it. His adoring public could wait. He was busy moping and being in pain.
A more tentative knock came, this time.
Ugh.
He dragged himself out of bed and put on a charming smile, opening the door.
Lux was standing on the other side, fist raised halfway to knock again. She smiled at him and waved slightly awkwardly. “Hi, Ezreal!” She said brightly.
“Oh, uh. Hey, Lux!” He said. He had never actually spoken to her outside of combat before. What should he say? ‘Nice to meet you? I used to have a huge crush on you but now I’m madly in love with another woman and it’s literally killing me, how’ve you been? You look great, by the way.’
Lux bounced on the heels of her feet. “May I come in?”
Ezreal blinked. “Sure!” He got out of the way quickly, letting her into his room.
She looked around with interest, admiring the many artifacts and trinkets from various lands and cultures decorating his walls with her hands behind her back, like she was in a museum.
“So…” he said.
She looked at him.
He winced. “How are things?”
“Things are swell! I’m reading this fascinating magic grimoire I found in the library, and Zyra is helping me with my garden and I found the perfect spot for watching the clouds in the courtyard! And, oh my, I could go on and on! How are you doing?” She seemed to remember something after she spoke, her smile faltering slightly. She looked at him expectantly.
He ignored her question, “How’s Jinx? I saw some explosions the other night. I’m guessing that was her?”
She laughed happily. It was infectious and lifted his spirits to hear it.
“How did you know!”
“Well, I could have guessed it was Ziggs but the pink smoke sort of gave her away.” Ezreal rolled his eyes.
Lux giggled. “Those two were having a competition!”
“Really?”
“Yep!”
“Who won?”
“Jinx did.” Lux said proudly.
“Of course she did.” Ezreal sighed, shaking his head. Ziggs probably blew himself up for his trouble and had a great time while he was at it.
Lux suddenly looked serious, taking Ezreal’s hands in hers.
“But really, Ezreal. How are you? Be honest with me.”
He sighed deeply. He had not been honest with anyone about it yet. Had not had the chance to talk about it. But he felt like he could be open and genuine with Lux.
“It hurts.” He said quietly. “And I… I can feel it. It’s killing me. It’s slow, but it’s happening. I’m growing weaker every day, the roots in my lungs and around my heart are growing stronger and choking me. I don’t have much longer.”
Lux’s eyes grew misty. She was silent for a moment before speaking quietly, “What Jinx and I have…” she swallowed. “Is so special, so joyous.” She gave him a brilliant smile before blinking hard. Tears welled in her eyes. “But you’re one of my precious allies. And I…” she looked up, blinking away tears, a single droplet rolling down her cheek.
It made Ezreal’s heart hurt to see her like this.
She squared her shoulders, a watery smile forced on her face. “I can try to love you.” She said seriously.
“What?” He exclaimed, jaw dropping.
Her shoulders shook, “I- I can b-break up with Jinx and try to love you…” she broke down into sobs, burying her face in her hands.
He placed a hand on her shoulder, genuinely confused. “Why would you do that?” He asked.
“To cure your Hanahaki disease.” She whimpered.
Ezreal huffed a laugh. Not at her, per say.
Okay, he was kind of laughing at her.
No one ever said he was a nice guy.
“I’m not in love with you anymore!” He said, spreading his hands, “that was like, years ago!”
“Oh.” Lux straightened, turning pink. “Really?”
He rolled his eyes. “Yes, Lux. I’m over you. Been there, done that. Well, I haven’t done that, but-“
“Well then!” She cut him off, beaming, “that’s a huge relief! Now I can still be with Jinx!”
Ezreal coughed lightly and smiled, wiping away a stray sunflower petal that had come out of his mouth.
She blinked, her smile fading like the sun on a cloudy day. “But, Ezreal…”
“Yeah?” He asked.
“That means you’re still dying.”
He stilled.
They both stared at each other.
Lux clapped her hands to her mouth in horror.
“I’m sorry.” She squeaked. “That was terribly rude of me.”
Ezreal casually put his hands behind his head, “hey, don’t mention it.”
“May I ask…?”
He sighed, dropping his hands to his sides and shoving them in his pockets. It wouldn’t hurt to tell her who was the recipient of his unrequited affections.
He kicked at a pebble on the ground. “It’s Kai’Sa.” He said, even while saying her name in such a grim context he couldn’t help a small smile from blooming on his face.
He cleared his throat at the unpleasant tickle that thoughts of her conjured.
“Oh, Ezreal…” Lux said sadly.
He jerked a thumb at himself, forcing a cocky grin. “What? Are you saying I don’t have a chance with her?”
Lux looked at the ground and sniffled slightly, shuffling her feet.
“C’mon, Lux! Positivity is like, your thing! Where’s the pep talk?”
“Oh! Um…”
“Mhmm…?” He prompted.
“You can do it! I’m sure she’ll fall for you and your…” she paused, uncertainty on her face.
“My charms? My dazzling personality? My good looks?” He asked.
“Yeah! Um…All of that!” She pumped a fist in the air. “You can do it!”
He laughed.
-
He needed to get away. He needed to get some fresh soil under his boots, some ancient crumbling tile and earth in the tread. He needed the Shuriman sands in his hair, his hands and pockets filled with priceless artifacts. He needed to get out and explore somewhere.
He took a day trip.
He spent the day exploring an ancient temple. He dodged traps, jumped over pits of spikes and alligators, fought living statues, avoided snakes, stole some treasure and found a void rift, the usual.
He almost felt like himself.
The pain was still there, he still felt weak and he knew he was running out of stamina far faster than he normally would. But he had some fun.
As he was fighting voidlings, though, he ran into her.
“Ezreal. Hello.” Kai’Sa called after him.
“Hey, Kai.” Ezreal forced a cocky grin and shot finger guns her way.
They began walking together down a dark, dusty corridor, Ezreal’s gauntlet and Kai’Sa’s cannons lighting the way, notes of dust floating in the beams of light.
“What brings you here?” She asked conversationally.
“You know,” he said, waving a hand, “exploring? That’s like, my thing.”
She nodded, a slight smile on her face. “Mind if I join you?”
He smirked, “haven’t you already?”
She ducked her head slightly. “I figured I should ask.”
Suddenly, Ezreal stumbled, feeling weak.
Kai’Sa caught him, supporting him with an arm under his shoulder as he leaned on her.
“Whats wrong?” She asked, concern creasing the markings on her face.
“It’s nothing.” He said, standing back up.
“Do not lie to me.” She said, eyes hard.
He brushed off his jacket. “You’ve probably heard to rumors.” He frowned.
“I do not care for rumors.” She said. “Besides, I mostly keep to myself, if I’m not talking to you or Taliyah.”
He closed his eyes. He should be honest with her like he was with Lux. She deserved to know the truth.
Well, part of the truth.
He wanted to be able to say goodbye to her.
His chest felt like it was being crushed.
“I’m dying, Kai’Sa.” Ezreal sighed, looking away from her.
Her eyes widened, but she recovered quickly, looking calm and composed once more.
“What can I do?” She asked seriously.
Not ‘how?’ Or ‘why?’ But ‘what can I do to help?’
If only Ezreal could answer honestly.
“Nothing.” He replied, trying not to sound bitter. He shouldn’t have said anything at all, this was only making things harder.
She stared at him evenly.
Her eyebrows lowered. She looked grave. “There must be something I can do.”
He stretched casually. “Nope.” He said, popping the ‘p’.
“Ezreal.” She said, reaching up and taking his hand.
He bit back the flowers threatening to spill from his mouth.
She was a concerned friend. He should be grateful.
She cared.
He appreciated that.
Why did it have to be destroying him?
Why couldn’t he be happy with what he had?
Was it in his blood as an explorer to never be sated? To never be happy with what he had? To always seek more and more? To push his limits and search for new and exciting things until he was eliminated in the process?
Was this his fate?
Was this destiny?
Kai’Sa’s eyes searched his, silently begging him to explain what was going on.
He tried not to gag on the head of a sunflower.
He felt sick.
“You’re truly dying?” She asked sadly. “And there is nothing I can do?” She looked like she was going to cry. Ezreal wished he hadn’t said anything. He hated seeing her like this.
Kai’Sa cleared her throat, her eyes clenching shut as one hand cupped her neck.
She coughed into her fist, pale lilac lily petals sticking out of the corner of her mouth.
No…
Ezreal was horrified.
Kai’Sa looked down at the flowers in her hand with fascination, then alarm.
She looked up at him. “What is happening?” She asked, breathing fast, purple eyes wide. “Is it contagious? What did you do to me?”
He reflexively and defensively wanted to say something nasty about it being her own fault but he held his tongue. Deep down, all he wanted was for her to be safe and happy, even if it meant her being happy with someone else. It broke his heart into pieces that her own unrequited love was literally killing her from the inside out.
“It’s…” he could hardly get the words out around the clenching, burning pain in his chest, “it’s called Hanahaki disease.” He explained. “Sometimes, when you truly love someone and they’re you’re soulmate, but they don’t love you back, flowers grow in your lungs and heart until they consume you.”
She tilted her head to the side, face drawn. The gesture was so her , so innocent and alien and Kai’Sa all over. It made his heart hurt.
She narrowed her eyes, straightening. “This makes no sense.”
“You’re telling me.” He huffed.
“Why don’t you tell this person?” She asked suddenly.
Ezreal looked at her. “What?”
“Why don’t you tell them how you feel?”
Ezreal’s eyes hardened. “I’m not doing that to her. I wouldn’t do that to anyone. Can you imagine the guilt a person would feel knowing that they’re the reason someone else is dying?”
Kai’Sa stared at him silently.
He continued, “I love this woman, I’m not going to spend my final days making her feel horrible for not loving me back. That’s not the kind of guy I am.”
“I know that.”
“Good.” Ezreal said evenly, a little relieved.
They were both silent for a moment.
“Who is she?” Kai’Sa asked quietly.
He scoffed. “I’m not telling you.”
Kai’Sa looked away. “Fine.” She said simply.
Ezreal nodded at her. “Well?” He asked.
“Hm?”
He put his hands on his hips. “Who is your person?”
Kai’Sa frowned at him. “I am not sure.”
Ezreal gaped at her. “What.”
“I am not sure.” She repeated.
“How are you not sure who you’re in love with?” He exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.
“I have never been in love before. This is all very strange to me.” She said.
Ezreal began to pace.
Kai’Sa tracked him with her eyes. “What is it like for you?” She asked.
Ezreal turned red and walked faster, leaving a trail of frantic boot prints in the dirt floor of the temple.
“It’s… I don’t know!”
“You do not know?”
“Ok, so you love someone, right?” Ezreal said. Kai’Sa’s eyes moved back and forth as she watched him pace. She chewed on a flower petal slowly.
“You spend a lot of time with them, but you can’t seem to spend enough time with them. They make you happy. Even if they might make you confused or frustrated sometimes. You maybe know a lot about them, or maybe you don’t! Like, they’re kind of mysterious. But you want to know more about them! And they’re cool and cute and beautiful and sexy all at the same time! And you fight really well together, like you make an amazing team.”
Kai’Sa stared at him blankly.
Ezreal wasn’t paying attention.
“And when they get hurt, it’s really scary. It feels worse than getting hurt yourself. You care about this person even more than you care about yourself. Which is like, impossible! You’d do anything for this person, anything. Even, I don’t know, give up your gauntlet for them because they mean so much to you. That’s what love is like for me.”
He finally looked at her, out of breath, cheeks flushed, heart racing, barely keeping petals from spilling out of his mouth.
There was a tense moment of silence and stillness between them, the yawning, dark temple eerily quiet.
She pointed at him.
“I don’t have a gauntlet,” Kai’Sa said, deadly serious “but I would give up my exoskeleton for you.”
“Huh?” Ezreal asked dumbly.
“You’re my flower-person.”
“What?”
Kai’Sa stared into his eyes. “I love you.”
Ezreal looked angry. “No.” He said.
Kai’Sa was taken aback. She began to look angry, too. “No…?” She asked in disbelief.
“It’s unrequited!” He threw out a hand, “that’s why I’m dying! That’s why you’re dying! Hanahaki happens due to unrequited love!”
Kai’Sa grit her teeth around the silky lily petals in her mouth. “But I do love you!”
“No, you don’t!” Ezreal insisted, tears forming in his eyes. His chest was burning, he felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“You do not get to tell me how I feel.” She stated cooly.
Ezreal rubbed a hand roughly over his face. “Ugh, I just wanted to get away from all of this for a day before I went back to my slow, agonizing death. Do I really need to have emotional torture on top of everything?”
“Ezreal, I really do love you.” Kai’Sa said sincerely.
Ezreal sucked in a shaky breath. He opened his mouth to argue more before Kai’Sa spoke:
“You have not coughed up any flowers since I told you that.” She pointed out.
He froze.
Silence echoed between them.
She was right.
Ever since she said those words, his chest had felt lighter, he had not coughed or cleared his throat. And there wasn’t a petal in sight.
Kai’Sa coughed, looking pained.
Petals seeped from the corners of her mouth.
Ezreal blinked, face falling. He rushed forward, embracing her. “Kai, I love you! I love you so much!” he said, honestly and earnestly.
She hugged him back, clutching him tightly, tears of joy in her eyes.